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BF left cause is bored in bed and needs time to think

Jpiccolo6

By Jpiccolo6
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I meant sexual experiences. He is talking so much *** that I agree that he is confused. I reckon he is scared of what he really wants, which is quite possibly men.

Either way, I think it's really sad that you are sitting around waiting for a man to get his 'desire back' for you. You should value yourself higher.

 

I was about to speculate on that, also.

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Jpiccolo6 Member

Jpiccolo6

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It's not that I'm wAiting. I don't want to be with anyone else right now. I love him too much. It's too soon to wNt to date anyone else. He said if he comes back it's gonna be for good. He's not gonna keep seeing me then leaving. It's too hard.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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You should break this off OP. This guy cannot be trusted.

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Jpiccolo6 Member

Jpiccolo6

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He said it had nothing to do with physical attraction. He's attracted to me and thinks I'm beautiful. It's just now when we have sex he gets stressed cause he thinks about how are sex went "blah"

And is Afraid he can't get it up.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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He said it had nothing to do with physical attraction. He's attracted to me and thinks I'm beautiful. It's just now when we have sex he gets stressed cause he thinks about how are sex went "blah"

And is Afraid he can't get it up.

Do you seriously believe you should be having these problems within a year of a relationship? With someone who has a very shady past, who has lied about why he went to prison, who spent 11 years there probably having sexual experiences that are now likely affecting your relationship?

 

Is this the life you imagined for yourself when you were a young girl? When are you going to take responsibility for looking after yourself?

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Jpiccolo6 Member

Jpiccolo6

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Why Are you saying he's lying about prison? He's not. I know why he was there. I saw the records.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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Why Are you saying he's lying about prison? He's not. I know why he was there. I saw the records.

What was it? The last thing I read here was his lie about not grassing people up. What was the real reason?

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Jpiccolo6 Member

Jpiccolo6

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I don't know what grassing people up means

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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I don't know what grassing people up means

Ratting. Not giving up incriminating information on someone

 

Urban Dictionary: Grassed Up

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Jpiccolo6 Member

Jpiccolo6

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Yeah that was pArt of it. He got caught trying to sell a lot of x. He got caught and wouldn't give up the people he got it from.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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Yeah that was pArt of it. He got caught trying to sell a lot of x. He got caught and wouldn't give up the people he got it from.

Not the innocent, noble guy he originally portrayed himself as?

 

Yet you choose to believe all the nonsense that comes out of his mouth and sit around waiting for him to decide whether he is gay or not?

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Jpiccolo6 Member

Jpiccolo6

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lol that's not the case

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Jpiccolo6 Member

Jpiccolo6

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And he never portrayed himself as innocent. He was honest with me from the start. I don't judge him for a stupid mistake when he wAs 22 years old.

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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Age isn't an excuse to do blatantly illegal things. I, and many others, made it through our twenties without dealing drugs.

 

I know it's tough to look at what's really what here, but you seem like you're in a lot of denial because you know the truth probably means losing this relationship.

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Jpiccolo6 Member

Jpiccolo6

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That was so long ago. I don't care that he used to do that.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Whatever the real reason behind his behaviour, it's clear that he is deeply conflicted. Nobody is perfect but you should not be in this position after just one year of dating. I suspect there's a lot you don't know about him.

 

I would not wait around for him, OP. Sure, he's saying all the right things about how if he comes back, it's going to be for good, etc etc. But he's showing you that is very unlikely to happen. I would steer clear.

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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OK, well then there's still the current and more relevant issue of his confusion about your relationship. Speaking as a man, if I've ever been confused or uncertain about a relationship, it has always eventually proved to be because it was not a good fit for me or wasn't something I sincerely wanted.

 

You say you aren't waiting for him because you don't want to be with anyone else. Those aren't mutual things. You can move on with your life without wanting someone else.

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Jpiccolo6 Member

Jpiccolo6

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I actually know everything about him. PArt of the problem is we moved too fast. He never left my side from day 1. We've never been apArt in a whole year.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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That was so long ago. I don't care that he used to do that.

 

OP, those past choices had consequences that are apparently very much part of his present. You can pretend it's all fine and brush off 11 years of hard time, but you need to get real with yourself for a moment: it is affecting him now. It's not irrelevant.

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Jpiccolo6 Member

Jpiccolo6

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Everyone is saying all the bad things but what if he decides to come back and everything g goes well and works out? Isn't worth a shot for someone you love?

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I actually know everything about him. PArt of the problem is we moved too fast. He never left my side from day 1. We've never been apArt in a whole year.

 

Nobody knows everything about someone after just 12 months. I know you don't want to hear it, but it's simply not possible, I mean, you were blindsided by him leaving, right? Clearly there is a lot he doesn't share with you or that wouldn't have been such a shock.

 

Anyway, I wish you luck. I think you're going to need it if you decide to hang around waiting for this guy.

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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Love is not enough.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Everyone is saying all the bad things but what if he decides to come back and everything g goes well and works out? Isn't worth a shot for someone you love?

 

Because given the circumstances and his current lack of desire to be with you, that outcome is extremely unlikely.

 

I'm not sure how old you are, but I sense some of us have run into men like him before. Many of us speak from experience and can see when someone is building up false hope for themselves.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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Loving someone is not some kind of get-out-clause for stopping to look after yourself and for stopping having expectations towards the other person.

 

Just because you love someone, it doesn't mean you are given some kind of an excuse to ignore his major emotional issues (that this guy so clearly has).

 

Loving someone still means you have to keep your eyes open and make the decision to leave when they are treating you badly, it's not some kind of excuse to stop making an effort in your relationship and hope for the best.

 

When you have non-existent boundaries and allow other people to walk all over you, you attract users and liars into your life - like this guy, OP. The only way you can have a loving relationship is by setting and maintaining healthy boundaries because this is how you attract people who care about you.

 

For a good man who would potentially care about you, reading a thread like this would be incredibly unattractive. He would also think twice about getting involved with a woman who lived with an excon and allowed him to manipulate her.

 

What you choose to do OP will have considerable consequences for the rest of your life. This is not a game.

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Taramere Established Member

Taramere

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Obviously you're of that small % that is focusing on him being an ex-con. Are you denying that you have formed a judgement against him which is obvious in your previous posts that is based on that fact?

 

I used my friend as an example as why we shouldn't label and judge people on the present, based on past actions and behaviors. The past is rarely a good indicator of someone's character and everyone deserves the benefit of doubt.

 

Look I'm not saying that you have bad intentions. Obviously you want to help the OP. What I'm debating here is the approach. Which I find it to be one sided and biased.

 

People can disappear for more than 3 weeks, when they're in a state of confusion. Yes he could be avoiding facing the situation like a man, afraid of coming clear, stating what he really wants and in extend putting the OP in a limbo. We don't know that for sure though.

I personally disappeared from a partner for 6 weeks because I was utterly confused about a situation and certainly i did it the wrong way. Yet at the same time I loved that person more than anything else in this world and I left because of that. I did this mistake and I paid for it dearly, because some "good Samaritans" convinced her that I didn't love her and I was being selfish.

 

I don't think a person would have to be particularly insecure, nor brainwashed by third parties, to believe that a partner who suddenly disappeared without explanation for 6 weeks wasn't a good long term bet for a serious relationship. Romantic love isn't enough. A person also has to be stable and trustworthy. Disappearing off the scene for 6 weeks because you're confused is absolutely flaky behaviour that lets people know you're not somebody they can depend on when the going gets tough. Would you honestly expect not to pay for it by losing a relationship with the person you let down in that way? Would you honestly believe them to accept "I was confused" as a good enough explanation?

 

Whether you think this guy should be judged for the time he spent in prison or not, the reality is he will be judged by most people unless they also have that sort of history. I mean, 11 years? That's some serious stuff. Apart from anything else, what does 11 years in prison do to a person, and their ability to form healthy, trusting relationships on the outside? To my mind, a guy would have to be a really exceptional (mature, self aware, empathic) sort of a person to make it worth taking a situation like that on. If said guy suddenly turned round and said "I'm not really into you any more, but I'm prepared to try to work on that" I've got to say, while I probably wouldn't say "well, that's big of you..." I would certainly be tempted to. I mean is he seriously that lacking in comprehension about how lucky he is to have found a woman who is devoting herself to him in the way that the OP is?

 

The answer would appear to be that yes, he is. That he perceives this situation in terms of "I'm bored of our sex life but I'm willing to work on that" seems, to me, to send out a very loud and clear message that this is a self absorbed character who doesn't appreciate the OP nor the relationship he has developed with her. Who takes her love and continued commitment to the relationship for granted - and never mind what social stigma or loss of respect from friends, family, colleagues and neighbours and family she might have incurred by being prepared to have a relationship with somebody with his history. That is the reality of life. Whether you think people should make those judgements or not, they can and they do...and a partner who is willing to incur the judgements deserves a lot more respect, love and appreciation from the person she incurred those judgements for than "I'm bored of sex with you, but I'm willing to work on that."

 

I'm with Emilia on the likelihood of his sexual desires and preferences likely having been shaped very significantly by having spent so many years inside. Having taken on that stigma of having a partner who has spent almost a third of his life in prison, the OP is now finding herself in limbo - as you rightly put it - because this guy she has seriously stigmatised herself by developing a relationship with is bored of their sex life. I just don't understand how it's in any way beneficial to the OP to have posters encouraging her in the belief that this guy is worth her continued efforts, emotional investment and understanding. This is her opportunity to get out, guilt free, from a situation that may have already created more problems in her life than she currently realises - setting him free to pursue whatever it is that turns him on. She just needs to take off the rose tinted spectacles and grab that opportunity.

Edited by Taramere
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