oldshirt Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 the way he is handling the situation is very immature. I think it's bc he is about 10 years behind in life. He lost 10 yrs of his life due to be stupid and ending up in jail from 22 years old to 33 yrs old. He doesn't have the mentality of a 37 yr old. He didn't have sex for all of his 20's. I gotta be honest here. you've been saying that he has some kind of delayed development, but yet I think you are the one displaying a concerning level of naivette and gullibility here. He may be an ex con that is a bit lacking in basic decency and decorum, but you are showing a concerning level of denial and not facing reality here. One would think that if someone has been locked up with a bunch of bad men for over a decade that any kind of contact with a woman AT ALL would be something they would be cherishing and holding on to, not fading away like a fart in the wind because they aren't swinging from the chadeliers in the exact manner that they'd want. I think you need to start looking inward and find out why your standards are so low that you are clinging on to a convicted criminal and wondering what you can do to appease him when he is treating you so badly and with such blatant disregard. Why are you accepting this maltreatment and manipulation? Why are your standards for a healthy relationship so low that you see this as something worth salvaging? Why did you become involved with someone of such bad character and criminality to begin with and why are struggling so hard to maintain it? Those are the questions you need to be addressing. 1
Author Jpiccolo6 Posted May 22, 2016 Author Posted May 22, 2016 He's not a bad person. He made a stupid decision when he wAs 22 years old. I don't hold that against him. He's not that person anymore. He said he appreciates me more bc of all the years he has lost but is just not happy with the sex life.
oldshirt Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 One of my best friends got 8years for manslaughter That's kind of my point. your friend got 8 years for killing someone, the OP's BF got 11. I'm not saying the criminal justice system isn't without flaw, but I think we can all assume that he didn't get sent up the river for peeing in the park or tearing the tags off of a mattress. Assuming he squeaky clean in prison and was a model prisoner, if he served 11 years, he was likely sentenced to over 20. And I think we all have been around enough to know that when you get that kind of sentence handed down, it is rarely that person's first offense. To be sent up the river for that long at the age of 22, it wasn't any kind of traffic violation or writing a few bad checks and it likely wasn't the result of one night of getting drunk and stupid out of the blue on the way home from a bible study meeting. Yes, he has served his time and deserves a chance to turn his life around and be a good citizen and contributing member of society. And some people absolutely do go on to be good people. But we would all be irresponsible and naïve to not recognize that there may be some serious character flaws at play here. When you are an ex con with a serious conviction in your past, the impetus is on you to walk the straight and narrow. Noone is going to give you the benefit of the doubt. It's on you to do it cleaner and better than the next guy. So what I am saying here is that does not get the benefit of the doubt here. As the others have said, this is more about dumping her and doing a vanishing act for 3 weeks. Even a choir boy that goes to church 3 days a week does not get a get out of jail free card for that. When it is a convicted felon, that is even more reason to send them packing. When/if he does come to her place tomorrow (or tonight if his potluck gets out early) she should have his stuff waiting on the front step. 1
oldshirt Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 He's not a bad person. He made a stupid decision when he wAs 22 years old. I don't hold that against him. He's not that person anymore. He said he appreciates me more bc of all the years he has lost but is just not happy with the sex life. It doesn't matter if he is a hardened criminal or a church choir boy, he dumped you and dropped of the planet for weeks and is only now coming by at his convenience because you contacted him wanting closure. There's your sign. 1
JuanDelToro Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 A very small % of the posts on this thread have focused on the fact that this person is an ex-con. The point everyone is making is that you don't disappear for 3 weeks when you are in a relationship. What the hell has that anything to do with your friend? Obviously you're of that small % that is focusing on him being an ex-con. Are you denying that you have formed a judgement against him which is obvious in your previous posts that is based on that fact? I used my friend as an example as why we shouldn't label and judge people on the present, based on past actions and behaviors. The past is rarely a good indicator of someone's character and everyone deserves the benefit of doubt. Look I'm not saying that you have bad intentions. Obviously you want to help the OP. What I'm debating here is the approach. Which I find it to be one sided and biased. People can disappear for more than 3 weeks, when they're in a state of confusion. Yes he could be avoiding facing the situation like a man, afraid of coming clear, stating what he really wants and in extend putting the OP in a limbo. We don't know that for sure though. I personally disappeared from a partner for 6 weeks because I was utterly confused about a situation and certainly i did it the wrong way. Yet at the same time I loved that person more than anything else in this world and I left because of that. I did this mistake and I paid for it dearly, because some "good Samaritans" convinced her that I didn't love her and I was being selfish.
oldshirt Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 But all of this about prison and lackluster sex and lost youth etc etc is all just a bunch of background noise and nothing but a big red herring. Peel back the layers and all it is is someone stepping out of the relationship for a supposed "break" and needing "time to think" blah blah blah. People are either in or they're out. They either want to be a relationship with you or they don't. There really are no "breaks." When someone wants a break, it is so they can test drive some other people to see if they can do better but they are afraid to cut the cord and be left standing without a chair if the others don't pan out. Period. No one should EVER accept being placed on the shelf and held in reserve while someone else runs around sewing their wild oats and sampling all that is available while they keep the other person waiting. NEVER accept that. If he wants to break up with you, that is his prerogative and his right. But no one ever has the right to ask you to sit on the shelf while they twiddle around taking their sweet time deciding what they want to do. no way no how. If he wants time to think and wants to date other women, that is fine. Toss all his $h!t out on the front step and start dating other people yourself and start moving on with your own life and he can sit and think about what he wants as much as he likes. If he decides to come crawling back weeks, months or years down the road, you can decide whatever you want at that time. But do NOT sit patiently waiting on the shelf for anyone ever. Always be moving forward with your own life and always have other options of your own. 2
Author Jpiccolo6 Posted May 22, 2016 Author Posted May 22, 2016 Yes and everyone is saying he doesn't really love me bc of what he is doing but I know he does. It'd be do much easier if didn't love me anymore. Him being an ex con is not the issue.
Itspointless Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 I was in a similar situation to the original poster, but from the other side. [...] Though the bad sex didn't necessarily kill the relationship, what killed it was her refusal to discuss it and work on it. I saw no prospect of improvement so I ended it. I didn't cheat or find someone else, I just said stop. No you were not on the other side, you were on her side. She was willing to discuss and work on it, he wasn't.
kidm Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 hmm maybe he is questioning his sexuality. I am trying to understand how the sex life can be so boring that it's not salvageable and he had to run away from home for 18 days. If you love someone and find them physically attractive, I would think spicing things up would be an easy fix. Hope your conversation with him is productive and you're able to find a way forward whether together or apart. Best wishes OP!
Author Jpiccolo6 Posted May 22, 2016 Author Posted May 22, 2016 My point exactly... It's not a hard thing to fix. I'm willing to do anything to fix it. He's at the point where he says "I don't know if I can be fixed" he says when he loses interest in the bedroom it's hard for him to get it back.
Blanco Posted May 22, 2016 Posted May 22, 2016 My point exactly... It's not a hard thing to fix. I'm willing to do anything to fix it. He's at the point where he says "I don't know if I can be fixed" he says when he loses interest in the bedroom it's hard for him to get it back. We can condense the 8 pages of this thread down to the above. You're willing to do anything to fix it. He's not. 2
bathtub-row Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 Yes and everyone is saying he doesn't really love me bc of what he is doing but I know he does. It'd be do much easier if didn't love me anymore. Him being an ex con is not the issue. I'm pretty certain he loves you, which is why it's difficult for him to break up with you. But I also think he's convinced that what he sees is what he gets and if you have to make an effort, the game is already over. If I were in his shoes, I'd believe that you'd try for awhile and then things would eventually go right back to the way they were. Because you cannot continually "make an effort" and he can't feel happy making love to someone who's, in their heart, truly disinterested in sex. It just doesn't work. I think that when the two of you do talk, he's going to either end things with you, or he's going to stay on the fence. If he's still on the fence, you should end it. As someone else said, men rarely end things. They'll just keep pushing the woman until she gets tired of it.
Author Jpiccolo6 Posted May 23, 2016 Author Posted May 23, 2016 I'm not did interested in sex at all. I think we moved really fast and it became routine. I still enjoy it with him though. It's never going to be the same as the beginning and I feel like he jumps from girl to girl thinking that "new" relationship rush should always be there. It's not realistic.
oldshirt Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I think that when the two of you do talk, he's going to either end things with you, or he's going to stay on the fence. If he's still on the fence, you should end it. As someone else said, men rarely end things. They'll just keep pushing the woman until she gets tired of it. Agreed. There are two possible solutions for this. All in or all out. Those are the only two possibilities. Either he is all in and puts in full faith effort to work things out. Or all out, in which case both of you move on. Those are the only long term solutions that can have any potential of living a happy, healthy existence. Any kind of fence-sitting or limbo or FWB/booty call situation is going to be prolonged suffering and ongoing dysfunction. All in or all out. No breaks, no time to think, no compromising or hybrid relationships. All in or all out. If you go all out, it will involve a period of pain and tears on the pillow but in good time you will move on to a normal, happy, healthy life and a great probability of moving on with someone else with whom you are more compatible. If you settle for anything less than all in or all out, it will be indefinite angst and suffering with no logical conclusion.
xxoo Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I'm not did interested in sex at all. I think we moved really fast and it became routine. I still enjoy it with him though. It's never going to be the same as the beginning and I feel like he jumps from girl to girl thinking that "new" relationship rush should always be there. It's not realistic. So it's not realistic. So what? Do you think you're going to change his mind? Let's say you're right. How does that change anything?
oldshirt Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I don't think that this "bored with sex life" is really the issue here, I think he is just looking for an excuse to fade out. But that being said, I disagree with the notion that sexual incompatibility is an easy fix. Sexual chemistry is a funny thing and it's not something that can be conjured up out thin air. If there is some isolated thing that is blocking some kind of sexual response or activity, that is one thing. But if a couple is sexually active and someone is citing boredom after a year, I'm not sure there is a fix for that. But like I said, I don't think that's really it. I think the relationship has simply run it's course for him and that is his excuse for doing a fade out and going out with other people.
oldshirt Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 I feel like he jumps from girl to girl thinking that "new" relationship rush should always be there. It's not realistic. You are correct in that it is not realistic to expect that initial rush after a year or more. But if someone wants to serial date and and wants to screw a lot of people and doesn't want to stick with any one person for very long, There's not a dang thing in the world that you can do about it. It's a choice on their part and if they don't want to date you any more and they want to see other people, there's nothing you can do about that. Your only choice is what you will accept and whether you will allow yourself to sit on the shelf and wait for them or to be a booty call etc etc. You can't force them to be with you or do any magic or parlor tricks to make them want to stay. My personal opinion is that this isn't really about bad sex per se but rather he simply just wants to move on.
funnyman7878 Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 Eventually she went on with this and just notified him that she's doing it, hoping he won't leave. It's been almost a years she's doing it (keep males friends for To each his own, but for me fidelity is a core and central component to a committed relationship. So, in my case, if there is any infidelity - no matter what justification - the relationship is over with zero chance of reconciliation. In addition, "sex has become boring" is a shallow reason to end a relationship. So, what is he doing to improve it? I am guessing it wasn't like this since inception? Well, things that are familiar always become a bit boring... so what is he going to do? Keep changing partners for excitement? Well, that is a different lifestyle which is incompatible with yours. Find someone who will commit to you and is happy to be committed to you. Lose this guy. 1
Author Jpiccolo6 Posted May 29, 2016 Author Posted May 29, 2016 He came over to talk and it went pretty well. I could tell he's really hurting and is torn. He misses me a lot. We actually had a good talk and I finally understood what he is feeling. He loves me and wants to be with me. The reason he thinks time away from each other will help is bc he said when we have sex he gets stressed and nervous. He thinks time away will be the only thing to help get the desire back. There is no one else. I believe him. He has a very strong personality and if there was someone else he'd just leave. I know him. He sAid just give him time. He'll come around on his own. I think I messed up though. I got drunk Friday night and called him at 3 am. He called me back but I wAs already passed out. In the morning I saw a text from him saying.... Why are you calling me at 3 am? He hasn't answered my texts now.
Emilia Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 So he is still away and you are still waiting. I'm thinking more and more that this is related to his prison experiences.
Author Jpiccolo6 Posted May 29, 2016 Author Posted May 29, 2016 It definitely is related to that. I told him that he's immature bc he lost all of his 20's. I told him if he keeps up this way of thinking he's just gonna keep jumping from girl to girl and be alone forever. He actually said I was right. See ... His problem is . He's used to dating girls he doesn't love or care about so when something goes wrong he has no problem leaving bc he doesn't care about them. With me, he said he loves me so much he can't leave. So his way of dealing with it is to be away from each other so he misses me and get the desire back.
Emilia Posted May 29, 2016 Posted May 29, 2016 It definitely is related to that. I told him that he's immature bc he lost all of his 20's. I told him if he keeps up this way of thinking he's just gonna keep jumping from girl to girl and be alone forever. He actually said I was right. See ... His problem is . He's used to dating girls he doesn't love or care about so when something goes wrong he has no problem leaving bc he doesn't care about them. With me, he said he loves me so much he can't leave. So his way of dealing with it is to be away from each other so he misses me and get the desire back. I meant sexual experiences. He is talking so much *** that I agree that he is confused. I reckon he is scared of what he really wants, which is quite possibly men. Either way, I think it's really sad that you are sitting around waiting for a man to get his 'desire back' for you. You should value yourself higher.
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