Is it time to break up and move on?

[khaleesi_pri]

Hi guys.

I've been dating a guy for two years. In the first year, everything was pretty relaxed and casual. We'd see each other just to hang out and have fun. Gradually, I realised that I was pretty low on his priority list in terms of dates. Not that he was seeing other women, but he was pretty busy with his mates, and had practically no time to see me. That bothered me, and we started having arguments. Finally, he told me he did not feel the same way about me and I should find someone else.

It was a clean break after that, I moved on. Got a job, worked on a few projects and hung out with my buddies. Then he came back after a few months. Saying how much he missed me, he wanted me back, and it was a mistake. I refused to buy his excuses initially, but he literally pleaded. He said he genuinely loved me, and couldn't see me with someone else. I gave him another chance. We started dating, he was sweet and loving and caring. Now we're pretty much exclusive.

There are a few issues though. Firstly, every time I point out some issue, he gets on the defensive. No he is not cheating, but he has a lot of female friends and it irks me sometimes,even though I know it's all platonic. Secondly, he's gone back to his old ways of not having enough time to hang out. I even called him on it, especially since I felt he was in it only for the physical part of the relationship. He not only denied it, but got furious!

I don't know what to do. Should I completely cut him loose? I feel like I am making the initiative all the time. I understand everyone has a life, but catching up once in a blue moon doesn't hurt. Is it that he's comfortable in the relationship? How do I get him to step it up? There are days when he's very sweet and caring and loving, but on some days, he's sarcastic and rude. What's more, he'll be going away to college this summer. So we're going to have to choose between a clean split, or sorting this out and do a long distance relationship. Every time I try to bring this up, he avoids the topic, and won't let me break up and move on.

I'm very confused.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi guys.

I've been dating a guy for two years. In the first year, everything was pretty relaxed and casual. We'd see each other just to hang out and have fun. Gradually, I realised that I was pretty low on his priority list in terms of dates. Not that he was seeing other women, but he was pretty busy with his mates, and had practically no time to see me. That bothered me, and we started having arguments. Finally, he told me he did not feel the same way about me and I should find someone else.

It was a clean break after that, I moved on. Got a job, worked on a few projects and hung out with my buddies. Then he came back after a few months. Saying how much he missed me, he wanted me back, and it was a mistake. I refused to buy his excuses initially, but he literally pleaded. He said he genuinely loved me, and couldn't see me with someone else. I gave him another chance. We started dating, he was sweet and loving and caring. Now we're pretty much exclusive.

There are a few issues though. Firstly, every time I point out some issue, he gets on the defensive. No he is not cheating, but he has a lot of female friends and it irks me sometimes,even though I know it's all platonic. Secondly, he's gone back to his old ways of not having enough time to hang out. I even called him on it, especially since I felt he was in it only for the physical part of the relationship. He not only denied it, but got furious!

I don't know what to do. Should I completely cut him loose? I feel like I am making the initiative all the time. I understand everyone has a life, but catching up once in a blue moon doesn't hurt. Is it that he's comfortable in the relationship? How do I get him to step it up? There are days when he's very sweet and caring and loving, but on some days, he's sarcastic and rude. What's more, he'll be going away to college this summer. So we're going to have to choose between a clean split, or sorting this out and do a long distance relationship. Every time I try to bring this up, he avoids the topic, and won't let me break up and move on.

I'm very confused.

 

You don't need his permission to end the relationship. You can do so if you want.

 

It sounds like you have very different needs in a relationship. How often do you see each other? And how often would you like to see him? What seems like a lot or too little to one person sometimes is a comfortable amount for the other. How often do you hear from him, if you don't reach out?

 

You also mentioned he has female friends who you know are platonic, but it bothers you. What makes you uncomfortable with these friendships? There must be something there that isn't sitting well with you, unless you coming from a place of general insecurity.

 

The bottom line is that you can't get someone to step it up if they just don't want to. There's always room for compromise of course, but you should never have to campaign for your partner's attention. He doesn't seem particularly motivated to invest further in the relationship, based on your description.

 

Long-distance will compound these problems, not make them better - especially if he is going off to school. You feel unsatisfied now with him in your vicinity. Imagine how that feeling will be magnified when he's away. I wouldn't count on this relationship surviving the distance.

[tayriley]

i think he is slowly letting the relationship die down on his own terms. it sounds like he has emotionally left the relationship already. he probably he still likes the comfort of having a gf to go to dinner with, cuddle with or have sex with. but if you dont break up with him, i'm sure he will with you...he doesnt sound very proactive so he might even let it drag out long distance, all the while being emotionally distant.

 

the fact that he refuses to talk to you about your concerns is a problem as well. this is very immature behavior. moving to different cities is a big issue and the fact that he doesnt want to discuss spells bad things for your future. is this the type of person you want to hitch yourself to? someone who doesnt want to communicate with you and ignores you when you are worried?

 

i think you should cut your losses here. he isn't the guy you fell for anymore. he has changed. this is normal, especially for guys his age. guys at that age are thinking about all the sex they will be able to have with all the hot co-eds in their new school. they are not thinking about settling down to a sexless long distance relationship. trust me, i've been there.