Two extremely reserved introverts... can it work out?

[asianlady88]

tl;dr: My boyfriend and I are both extremely introverted. He is a great guy who treats me really well, but I feel disconnected. I crave connection but due to my introversion, I need a partner who is more extroverted with better social skills who can bring me out of my shell. My partner doesn't seem to have that same craving for connection . He seems content. Are we not the right match?

 

 

__________

I am a 33F who has been in a relationship with a 36M for almost 2 years. We moved in together 6 months ago.

Background: I've always been a shy introvert. Grew up in a broken home and has battled with mild depression and existential crises my whole life. My parents were extremely cold and reserved. As a child, I'd always yearned for warm, loving parents because I had cold, emotionally abusive ones. I've done a lot of work on my depression and feelings of emptiness. For the most part, I do think the greatest joys in life are found in connections with others - humans and animals. I find great meaning in connection, but I also strongly prefer lots of quiet and alone time. It is partly due to shyness and depression, but I have always been naturally introverted. On the MBTI I score as a INTP, extreme on the I and T.

My boyfriend is a 36 M who scores as an ISTP, extreme on all 4 dimensions. He's an engineer and very reserved. A part of it is due to shyness/self consciousness, but he is naturally introverted too. He is an honest, ethical and practical person. He lives a pretty rigid and normal life, working 9-5, while I'm more of a crazy philosopher type who is a self employed entrepreneur and cannot stick to a schedule.

I like my boyfriend because he is an honest person with high integrity. He is intelligent and rational;a "left brained" math and science kind of guy. He is responsible and trustworthy and has treated me very well. In fact, he has never gotten upset or nasty with me. I feel like he is afraid/incapable of expressing himself so that even if I did something that bothered him, he may refrain from saying anything because he doesn't want to upset me. He could be afraid that I would leave, or he is afraid of confrontation in general due to his shy nature.

My boyfriend has told me that I am a lot like him, which is partly what made him attracted to me. I am also seen as someone who is honest with high integrity, rational and left brained. We share a lot of the same world views. I know it is important for two people in relationship to share the same values... (we are both atheist, realistic, ethical, and somewhat cynical) but I feel like some of what we share are the same deficiencies: we are both painfully reserved, socially stunted, and unable to express ourselves.

Thus, I often feel disconnected to him. I think he might be okay with the way things are because he is so busy with his job that in his free time he just wants to have someone to relax, go out to eat, and have physical contact with. He doesn't want to analyze things too much.

On the other hand, I am constantly struck with a sense of emptiness (regardless of my boyfriend). I desire the kind of relationship where I feel extremely close to someone... Where I can share my innermost thoughts with them and vice versa. It's been 2 years and it hasn't happened with my boyfriend. I still hide a lot of my true feelings and my problems (depression, anxiety) and dark thoughts from him. I just don't feel like he would understand.

In the past, I've dated/ been in relationships with guys with whom I shared much more with emotionally. We talked to each other about everything including our deepest fears and regrets. I don't even know how to bring this kind of stuff to my current boyfriend because he just seems so normal and we feel so disconnected. (example: the home page on his browser is an child friendly site called wimp.com... does he secretly browse bestgore or pornhub??? Is he trying to preserve a pristine image to me because he is afraid of being judged???) He doesn't seem to have any mental issues of his own. He has always been the "normal, responsible, dependable guy". A while back, I asked him if he has ever talked to his friends or family about hardships he is going through. For instance, he was once in a 8 year relationship which ended. I said, "You must've been sad when it ended. Did you talk to your friends or family to help you get through it?" He said "no, i just dealt with it on my own."

I've talked to him about this issue of disconnection between us before and he doesn't seem to feel the same way. Perhaps his need for connection is lower than mine.

My boyfriend is a great guy who treats me extremely well. I can count on him to do the right thing and take care of me. Honesty, integrity, and character are all VERY important to me in a relationship and he exceeds that. However, a sense of connection is also important to me, and I feel we are lacking that. It's not his fault. We simply seem to share the same trait of being extremely reserved, and what I REALLY want in life is someone who can bring me out of my shell, to help me fully experience life and human emotion. I don't want to be with someone who is a wimp to emotion and avoids them. I don't want to relive that childhood of having reserved parents who never asked how I was doing, even though I was secretly drowning. I want someone who will reach out to me. Someone who isn't afraid to ask offensive questions or upsetting me. Someone who isn't afraid of emotion because I am. I have a hard time reaching out, so I want someone who is naturally inclined to reach out to me to help the relationship grow.

I don't know if I'm just neurotic and need someone who is also neurotic to connect with. Or are my boyfriend and I simply incompatible due to both us being extremely shy and introverted?

[Emilia]

This has nothing to do with introversion.

 

In your previous relationships where you could share more: how did they progress? Did you have more drama? Did things get out of hand? Or was it calm with those guys too?

[salparadise]

On the MBTI I score as a INTP, extreme on the I and T. My boyfriend is a 36 M who scores as an ISTP, extreme on all 4 dimensions.

 

I agree with Emilia, this isn't just about introversion. It also cannot be reduced to MBTI types, however, typing does provide clues. For starters, you're opposites on the S/N, which is probably the most important dimension for compatibility. You experience the world differently. Secondly, you're both strong Ts, and being I means that T is the dominant function for both of you. This is probably where the lack of connection lies... neither of you operate in feeling mode very well.

 

I am INTJ, my girlfriend is INFJ. I am moderate on the T and have consciously developed my F. She is intelligent and rational when she needs to be, definitely not always a bundle of feelings. It works for us because we're both N and because my balanced F/T fits with her stronger F. We are often amazed at how much we're on the same wavelength and inherently resonate with each other.

 

I used to be married to an ESFP, and it was not a good fit. However, my theoretical best match is ENFP (close but no cigar).

 

As an NT, you need a NF, and he probably needs a SF. Opposites work on all dimensions except S/N. Strong Ts need at least a moderate F to balance all of that rationality. And strong Fs need some rational thinking within the same mode.

 

This is a T post, isn't it? I had a feeling recently... I think it was yesterday.

Edited May 20, 2016 by salparadise

[mikeylo]

TLtr! Well, 2 neither extremely introverts or extroverts can work great for long term. Clashes are more common while some might say because interests are same etc but everyday life? Nope.

 

A balance is very important. Mild of both could work. Usually if one is introvert and other slightly extrovert , works better. It depends on individuals as well, how willing are they to go out of their comfort zone

 

Without a connection , a relationship doesn't grow!

[Els]

It's not the introversion that is the problem. My SO and I are both highly introverted and have never experienced the sort of disconnect you mention. Same with several other couples I know. In fact, from what I've noticed, introverts can build extremely close and connected relationships with a few compatible people. We're just not good at socializing with a large number of acquaintances, in general.

 

You are both probably incompatible, but the incompatibility has nothing to do with your introversion. It's entirely possible you'll meet another guy who is equally introverted but whom you actually ARE compatible with.

[startingagain15]

It feels like maybe you guys just don't click in a way you feel you need and he doesn't realize it maybe. If you want to save the relationship you have to bring up how you feel, start sharing things that might make both of you uncomfortable. See how he reacts, only then can you judge if you can be happy with him or not.

 

My BF and I are both introverts, I don't think that has much to do with our connectedness. We have struggled at times, mostly due to the fact that neither of us are big talkers. I make a big effort to get myself and him talking. When we do talk and get going it's good. I even write notes and questions for us on a note in my phone, because I have a block about things to talk about when I'm with people (personal problem). I was also raised in an emotionally stunted family where nobody talked about anything.

 

Also that past hurts are maybe part of why your BF struggles to open up and wants to maintain things as they are. I know that is part of my BF's problem, he was badly hurt and cheated on in his 17 year marriage, so bringing him out of his protective shell is a slow process that has taken a lot of patience.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I agree with others, I dont think this has anything to do with introversion and everything to do with that indefinable aspect called chemistry.

 

Have you ever noticed how some people are just easy to click with and instantly feel like close confidantes, while others you may know for years and still struggle to find things to say to?

 

Thats chemistry, and it doesnt sound like you and your boyfriend have enough of it. IMO, it's probably a lost cause if you are feeling this way, but you can attempt to fix the relationship by making a conscious effort to be muh more open. It sounds like it will probably be a struggle on both ends- for you to open up when it doesnt feel natural, and for your boyfriend to be receptive to it if he cannot relate- but I think thats the only option you have if you want to save this. Continuing down the current path where you feel isolated with your thoughts is not sustainable.

 

I, too, was in a long-term relationship with a great guy whom I trusted and had grown to love, but with whom thisa connection was hard to come by. It was an extremely difficult decision to end things, because what was missing seemed so vague in contrast with all the positives he brought to my life. It took 3 years of working with a therapist to come to that decision, but now that I am dating someone with whom I do click, I am so glad I made that choice.

[Popsicle]

Everything you just said about your boyfriend, he could say the same about you. You probably appear the exact same way to him, especially considering that you can't even tell him that you're feeling this way. You can't tell him your feelings, he can't tell you his feelings, you're even. Someone has to break the freeze and if you're waiting for him (a man) to add expressiveness to your relationship, you're going to be waiting forever. You have to introduce it yourself, or dump him and find someone else who is more naturally adept at easing you into emoting.

[Popsicle]

You might enjoy dating men who are ENFx types more, but it's pretty hard to look for specific types.

 

Oh and send your BF my way, I love ISTP's.

Edited May 20, 2016 by Popsicle

[central]

... For starters, you're opposites on the S/N, which is probably the most important dimension for compatibility. You experience the world differently. Secondly, you're both strong Ts, and being I means that T is the dominant function for both of you. This is probably where the lack of connection lies... neither of you operate in feeling mode very well.

...

As an NT, you need a NF, and he probably needs a SF. Opposites work on all dimensions except S/N. Strong Ts need at least a moderate F to balance all of that rationality. And strong Fs need some rational thinking within the same mode.

 

This is a T post, isn't it? I had a feeling recently... I think it was yesterday.

 

I agree with this - NT and ST don't usually work out (and N and S in general), and even when it does it requires extraordinary effort.

 

 

Your best match is an NF, as salparadise suggests. All of my best dates, relationships - and wife - are NFs to my NT. We're both introverts, but she's borderline extrovert.

[No_Go]

Indeed, from personal experience INTJ (me) + ENFP (my date) was... WOW. I've never had such enjoyable connection in my life. I'm still sad this guy decided to cut it short, before we turned it into a relationship...

 

But also from personal experience - 2 introverts (or let say socially challenged people) is VERY hard. I think I'd never be dating if I haven't met my first VERY extroverted BF to give me the necessary initial kick in my communication with men.

 

I agree with Emilia, this isn't just about introversion. It also cannot be reduced to MBTI types, however, typing does provide clues. For starters, you're opposites on the S/N, which is probably the most important dimension for compatibility. You experience the world differently. Secondly, you're both strong Ts, and being I means that T is the dominant function for both of you. This is probably where the lack of connection lies... neither of you operate in feeling mode very well.

 

I am INTJ, my girlfriend is INFJ. I am moderate on the T and have consciously developed my F. She is intelligent and rational when she needs to be, definitely not always a bundle of feelings. It works for us because we're both N and because my balanced F/T fits with her stronger F. We are often amazed at how much we're on the same wavelength and inherently resonate with each other.

 

I used to be married to an ESFP, and it was not a good fit. However, my theoretical best match is ENFP (close but no cigar).

 

As an NT, you need a NF, and he probably needs a SF. Opposites work on all dimensions except S/N. Strong Ts need at least a moderate F to balance all of that rationality. And strong Fs need some rational thinking within the same mode.

 

This is a T post, isn't it? I had a feeling recently... I think it was yesterday.

[SwordofFlame]

I'm on the introverted side myself, but not anywhere to the extreme. I find it very challenging to date someone who's more introverted than I am. I feel like you need to have very good people skills or "game" to date really introverted women. My advice is to date an extrovert with good people skills.

[Miss Peach]

BF and I are both introverts but we both have self confidence. Neither of us are the socially awkward type of introverts. We just enjoy our alone time. I find I can socialize and enjoy it more than he does but no issues from both of us being introverts other than negotiating the amount of alone time we both needed.

[asianlady88]

Wow, thanks for all the helpful responses guys.

 

I see a lot of comments about how it isn't an introversion problem. I think you guys are absolutely right.

 

My previous relationships were with an ENFP, INTJ, and INFP.

 

I was able to connect with all of them. I think it has something to do with their upbringing too - they came from warm, emotionally expressive families. I had cold, distant parents and so did my boyfriend. So we were not raised in an environment where communication was open.

 

My previous partners were also all somewhat neurotic... the first one had depression, second and third one had anxiety. Our mental issues was one of the things we connected on. We were able to relate/understand each other, and I think the acceptance of each other in spite of our issues made the connection deeper. My current boyfriend doesn't appear to have any mental issues except being a little self conscious and shy. I always feel closer to someone after they open up to me, such as telling me their worries, fears, shames, etc. My boyfriend never really opens up, or maybe he just doesn't have any deep/dark thoughts?

 

Aside from that, maybe it is more of the sensing/intuiting dimension that explains my lack of connection with the current boyfriend. We have a lot of the same values, but we don't really take in information the same way. I'm always analyzing/theorizing about situations, whereas my boyfriend mainly cares about the facts and what's in front of him.

 

I've also noticed that some of my closest friends with whom I had the best connections with were ENFPs or ENTPs...

[Cinnamonstix]

Wow, thanks for all the helpful responses guys.

 

I see a lot of comments about how it isn't an introversion problem. I think you guys are absolutely right.

 

My previous relationships were with an ENFP, INTJ, and INFP.

 

I was able to connect with all of them. I think it has something to do with their upbringing too - they came from warm, emotionally expressive families. I had cold, distant parents and so did my boyfriend. So we were not raised in an environment where communication was open.

 

My previous partners were also all somewhat neurotic... the first one had depression, second and third one had anxiety. Our mental issues was one of the things we connected on. We were able to relate/understand each other, and I think the acceptance of each other in spite of our issues made the connection deeper. My current boyfriend doesn't appear to have any mental issues except being a little self conscious and shy. I always feel closer to someone after they open up to me, such as telling me their worries, fears, shames, etc. My boyfriend never really opens up, or maybe he just doesn't have any deep/dark thoughts?

 

Aside from that, maybe it is more of the sensing/intuiting dimension that explains my lack of connection with the current boyfriend. We have a lot of the same values, but we don't really take in information the same way. I'm always analyzing/theorizing about situations, whereas my boyfriend mainly cares about the facts and what's in front of him.

 

I've also noticed that some of my closest friends with whom I had the best connections with were ENFPs or ENTPs...

 

I am an INFP. I have noticed that I much, much, much prefer fellow intuitive types as well (even as friends). You really do see the world the same way.

 

As for the introversion dimension, I agree that it's not relevant to your lack of connection. If anything, it should make you understand each other more; you're more likely to share the same lifestyle, at least in terms of preferences for socializing.

 

In any case, my view in dating and relationships is that each relationship should be a step up from the last. So if you were able to connect to your partners before and that part is missing in your current relationship, you have traded down in that regard. Find someone you connect with. Life is too short and connection really is the most important thing.

[azaleigha]

It must be tough to feel that disconnect with someone you care about. I know you said that he's not much for talking about things, but have you ever tried to talk to him about how you're feeling? It sounds like you're assuming he won't want to talk, or won't understand your concerns, but sometimes people can surprise us. Who knows; maybe he's feeling similar things that you are, but doesn't know how to bring them up to you. Or, like others are saying, it's possible that there's just something missing in your relationship. Have you thought about seeking out counseling for your relationship? If you think you want to invest more in this relationship and see if it's worth saving, it might be a good idea to look into that. I hope that you can figure out what will be best for both of you, and have some peace about it. Hang in there, friend.

[katiegrl]

tl;dr: My boyfriend and I are both extremely introverted. He is a great guy who treats me really well, but I feel disconnected. I crave connection but due to my introversion, I need a partner who is more extroverted with better social skills who can bring me out of my shell. My partner doesn't seem to have that same craving for connection . He seems content. Are we not the right match?

 

 

You crave connection... he doesn't.

 

Yup like the others have said you are incompatible, simple as that.

 

Most people do crave that connection within the context of an intimate RL.

 

The fact he doesn't most likely means he either has some sort of fear of intimacy or otherwise is emotional unavailable.

 

I wouldn't waste my time.

 

Next.

 

Just me.

[Els]

Indeed, from personal experience INTJ (me) + ENFP (my date) was... WOW. I've never had such enjoyable connection in my life. I'm still sad this guy decided to cut it short, before we turned it into a relationship...

 

But also from personal experience - 2 introverts (or let say socially challenged people) is VERY hard. I think I'd never be dating if I haven't met my first VERY extroverted BF to give me the necessary initial kick in my communication with men.

 

I really don't get how people think that introverts are automatically 'socially challenged'. Perhaps some of us might be in situations where there are a lot of people or people we don't know well. But when you've gotten to know each other and are in a more personal setting, introverts are not any less communicative or socially capable than anyone else.

 

From personal experience, I've found it much easier to have a compatible R with a fellow introvert (though of course as I said, introversion alone doesn't guarantee a compatible R). I would find a LTR with an extreme extrovert very, very difficult. I have no desire to go out and meet different people every day, and it would be exhausting if my partner did. I do value friendships, but a small, close circle of friends is my preference. And even those I prefer to meet once a week or so. My SO feels the same way, which makes spending leisure time together much easier.

 

I've never been attracted to extreme extroverts, but one of my exes was borderline E/I. In hindsight, that was a big part of the reason for our incompatibility and eventual breakup.

[Emilia]

Wow, thanks for all the helpful responses guys.

 

I see a lot of comments about how it isn't an introversion problem. I think you guys are absolutely right.

 

My previous relationships were with an ENFP, INTJ, and INFP.

 

I was able to connect with all of them. I think it has something to do with their upbringing too - they came from warm, emotionally expressive families. I had cold, distant parents and so did my boyfriend. So we were not raised in an environment where communication was open.

 

My previous partners were also all somewhat neurotic... the first one had depression, second and third one had anxiety. Our mental issues was one of the things we connected on. We were able to relate/understand each other, and I think the acceptance of each other in spite of our issues made the connection deeper. My current boyfriend doesn't appear to have any mental issues except being a little self conscious and shy. I always feel closer to someone after they open up to me, such as telling me their worries, fears, shames, etc. My boyfriend never really opens up, or maybe he just doesn't have any deep/dark thoughts?

 

Aside from that, maybe it is more of the sensing/intuiting dimension that explains my lack of connection with the current boyfriend. We have a lot of the same values, but we don't really take in information the same way. I'm always analyzing/theorizing about situations, whereas my boyfriend mainly cares about the facts and what's in front of him.

 

I've also noticed that some of my closest friends with whom I had the best connections with were ENFPs or ENTPs...

This is what I was alluding to. Not some numbers like E or I to T or any of that nonsense.

 

You like neurotic guys who have boundary problems. Who say too much about their inner world, who are depressed, maybe have chemical dependencies, don't quite have their life together. In other words, you are drawn to dysfunctional people and drama.

 

Now you are dating someone normal who has firm boundaries and you miss that drama. You are bored without the ups and downs.