IslandDude Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 I (guy) have a friend (girl) that I've known for a few years through work but we no longer work together. We went on a few dates years ago but I don't think the timing in our lives was really right for either of us at the time and nothing really came of it but we've stayed in touch over the years. We've met up for just casual coffee or lunch, etc. a few times in the last few months. Nothing at all like dating but just chit chat keep in touch type stuff. We text back and forth a little during the day almost every day. Every once in awhile I'll hint that we should go out or that I find her attractive and whenever I do she completely freezes. Like full deer in headlights and doesn't even respond to my text. Once this happens it's like she won't even send me another message until I send her something that is unrelated just so she can ignore the original message. Is this a common thing with girls? I see how this is an obvious hint that she's not interested or whatever but we've known each other quite some time and I would think she could just say no thanks or something instead of just flat ignoring me for days. Maybe she doesn't want to hurt my feelings? Example: She'll say something like "I feel so fat today after having ice cream nobody will ever think I'm pretty"... which to me is just asking for reassurance from a guy friend, right? So I just say something like "Whatever, I think you're very pretty even after ice cream". And then... nothing. Or, she'll say "I've got nothing to do this weekend I'm going to be so bored" and I'll say "Instead of being bored I'll take you out to dinner". And then... nothing. It's like anything at all that I mention about me even being possibly attracted to her shuts her down. This can go on for however long I let it too. I haven't tested it because I always give in and want to talk to her about something within a few days but it seems like if I don't send her another message about something else she will never text me again. I don't feel like I'm saying anything crazy to her and think that I'm actually being a really nice friend and not pushing her and am still talking to her even after she ignores me because we are friends after all. I guess she just has me in the friend for life column and can't even handle me talking about anything else!
tayriley Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 she's not into you. she just wants attention. also, she doesnt sound like a great person either. i know i wouldnt be friends with a girl that fishes for compliments like that...especially from a guy she knows is into her. ugh how annoying. move on. you deserve better than this. 1
Erik30 Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 (edited) She's probably not interested in you romantically. She doesn't have the guts to tell you that, so she ignores everything you say that seems like "more than friends" stuff. You're just friends right now, but I think she might be worried you're still into her. She likes the attention until you cross a certain line, and then realizes she doesn't want to give you the wrong idea. (But she has to know what she's doing) Edited May 20, 2016 by Erik30 2
Versacehottie Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 We text back and forth a little during the day almost every day. Every once in awhile I'll hint that we should go out or that I find her attractive and whenever I do she completely freezes. Like full deer in headlights and doesn't even respond to my text. Once this happens it's like she won't even send me another message until I send her something that is unrelated just so she can ignore the original message. Is this a common thing with girls? I see how this is an obvious hint that she's not interested or whatever but we've known each other quite some time and I would think she could just say no thanks or something instead of just flat ignoring me for days. Maybe she doesn't want to hurt my feelings? I would say so, yes it's common. She is freezing up because she doesn't want to encourage a conversation that is about being more than friends. I think she does the "fishing for compliments" type of things both to get male validation from you (which is different that meaning she is interested) AND because she wants to know what A GUY thinks of her, from a guy's point of view. She probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings but that is besides the point. I take it that this is a different girl than the one from your other thread? You have the same pattern though of what YOU do. You kinda pussyfoot around the issue and continue to hang around girls who are treating you like friends at best that you actually have feelings for. You give weak signals and give it far too much time. You don't really do anything solid to progress the relationship. In addition, sticking around hoping for a miracle you prevent yourself from having a real romantic relationship that will make you happy and give you what you want. BTW, there are elements of how you describe the girl in this thread where she is not a great friend to you either! Pull back from this unbalanced friendship. *ps I do think guys that continually hang on and hope and orbit in this way actually start to take on a desperate and hopeless persona which is carried with them as their vibe so you want to do something solid and definitive to take control of your own life and dating destiny. Sorry, I'm saying this because I think within groups of friends or even on the street, lots of us girls can pick out this type of guy. It's a persona that starts to "stick" on you, probably due to confusion among other things. Do something proactive. good luck 2
Author IslandDude Posted May 20, 2016 Author Posted May 20, 2016 I would say so, yes it's common. She is freezing up because she doesn't want to encourage a conversation that is about being more than friends. I think she does the "fishing for compliments" type of things both to get male validation from you (which is different that meaning she is interested) AND because she wants to know what A GUY thinks of her, from a guy's point of view. She probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings but that is besides the point. I take it that this is a different girl than the one from your other thread? You have the same pattern though of what YOU do. You kinda pussyfoot around the issue and continue to hang around girls who are treating you like friends at best that you actually have feelings for. You give weak signals and give it far too much time. You don't really do anything solid to progress the relationship. In addition, sticking around hoping for a miracle you prevent yourself from having a real romantic relationship that will make you happy and give you what you want. BTW, there are elements of how you describe the girl in this thread where she is not a great friend to you either! Pull back from this unbalanced friendship. *ps I do think guys that continually hang on and hope and orbit in this way actually start to take on a desperate and hopeless persona which is carried with them as their vibe so you want to do something solid and definitive to take control of your own life and dating destiny. Sorry, I'm saying this because I think within groups of friends or even on the street, lots of us girls can pick out this type of guy. It's a persona that starts to "stick" on you, probably due to confusion among other things. Do something proactive. good luck Thanks. Yes different girl than the other thread. I'm trying to be a lot more forthcoming with everybody now and just tell them I'm interested. I guess I just need to find some fresh girls so I can do that from the start. Unfortunately it seems right now I happen to already know several girls that I'm really interested in but I guess since I already know them it's too late to introduce a different vibe to them if they've already decided we're just friends. The sucky part is that I wish they would just say they aren't interested because I'm actually totally fine with that and would still be their friends. I feel like the way things keep going I am coming off as being pushy and it ends up hurting our friendship if they aren't interested. The flip side is if I tell them that it doesn't matter to me either way and that we'll still be friends then I think I'm shooting myself down before they even have to decide if they're interested or not.
Versacehottie Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 Thanks. Yes different girl than the other thread. I'm trying to be a lot more forthcoming with everybody now and just tell them I'm interested. I guess I just need to find some fresh girls so I can do that from the start. Unfortunately it seems right now I happen to already know several girls that I'm really interested in but I guess since I already know them it's too late to introduce a different vibe to them if they've already decided we're just friends. The sucky part is that I wish they would just say they aren't interested because I'm actually totally fine with that and would still be their friends. I feel like the way things keep going I am coming off as being pushy and it ends up hurting our friendship if they aren't interested. The flip side is if I tell them that it doesn't matter to me either way and that we'll still be friends then I think I'm shooting myself down before they even have to decide if they're interested or not. Well you can always introduce a different vibe. But I think you have to be realistic with the signals you are getting back. I think the girl in this thread, it's seems like just friends and like she takes you for granted too so no.... Why is someone going to say they "aren't interested" when you pussyfoot around the issue?? You need to make a solid attempt, ie ask out directly on what is clearly a date to be told there is no interest. After all, I think from what you've said on both threads, you have more of a vested interest in turning these friendships into a romantic relationship. If they do not have the same goal, there is no reason to upset the status quo. I hate to say it because I don't think you are being "pushy" enough, which is the wrong wording--the right wording is DIRECT. It sounds like you are acting too timid and the messages aren't clear one to the other. AND/OR you are sticking your head in the sand about what these women really want. I actually don't usually advise that but I guess I think your game could use a lot of man-upping. Even right at the end of the paragraph above, you state that the bolded part. Which makes me think do you just like these women because they are "around". That doesn't seem like a compelling reason. Also perhaps you are mistaking the fact that they are around as they could/would be interested when there is not another factor or sign that it would be so. Bad reasons. I do think there is perhaps a chance with the other one, not with this one though. I am worried though because it seems like you could really be misreading signs--so maybe with the other one she thinks you are friends too. I think (where is jabron?? lol) that a typical male energy, which in itself, usually catches more girls, is just direct, purposeful. In my experience, that typically is more attractive to women in general. I think circling a girl hoping she will change her mind from friends to something more comes off as weak and not so attractive. Playing the friend card when you really want more. I think that's what you may be doing or what it may appear like you are doing. As someone says above, a girl usually knows when that is happening. They actually typically don't have too much respect for you taking a passive role. And will start asking questions of you that they would ask their gf's (do you think I'm fat or telling you about some guy they met). The more you put up with this the more pathetic it gets and it chips away at your self-esteem too--that's a big one. Here's what I think about a girl who does that typically> Since we do typically get a feeling that is what is going on, the type of girl who would string you through this without putting some distance is being pretty cruel and selfish on some level. All about herself. She knows how you feel, ignores it, but instead of taking some space so you can go find what you really want, she is happy to string you along for the ego boost and attention. Considerably and cruelly putting her wants before you. A girl with a moral compass usually finds this uncomfortable and will take the distance significantly. They won't freeze you out for a couple of days and come back around when they think your weak ass doesn't have the guts to ask another uncomfortable question. They miss their friend, his attention and the compliments. To me, as you describe it, this girl fits that description. I'm not a fan That said, you need to do what you need to do to put your own fate in your own hands. I don't see how this "friendship" is serving you. Too one-sided. What you want is different than what she wants. Here's a question: IF she was to be direct with you and told you "not interested but yes I'll still be your friend", thus effectively giving you the push to go meet another girl, would you be in touch with her every day? Or would it be more random, here and there, a few times a week max? Another question: if you started pursuing the girl of your dreams and it was reciprocated by this new girl, would you truly have time or want to put the effort in with this girl "friend"? I actually think you wouldn't. I think you are substituting a semi-de-facto/hopeful about a relationship with her for doing the hard work and direction rejection of finding someone who is really into you, FOR DATING. It's a risk to do the harder thing but I think you will find it more gratifying by leaps and bounds. Rather than the indirect torture and regret and nick to your self-esteem that orbiting someone who is not interested in you romantically does in the long run. You have already wasted enough time on this one by the sounds of it. Good luck 4
Author IslandDude Posted May 20, 2016 Author Posted May 20, 2016 I definitely was not direct with this current one until recently but with both of them I have given direct asks and feel like I can't really be any more clear with my intentions. Seems like they aren't being direct back to me. If I ask if they want to go out I expect a yes or no... Not just silence and no messaging until I change the subject. I'm having to write it off as them not wanting to deal with it or possibly not wanting to hurt my feelings. Personally I would rather get a hard no than them leaving it up in the air.
wildfiremichael Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 I (guy) have a friend (girl) that I've known for a few years through work but we no longer work together. We went on a few dates years ago but I don't think the timing in our lives was really right for either of us at the time and nothing really came of it but we've stayed in touch over the years. We've met up for just casual coffee or lunch, etc. a few times in the last few months. Nothing at all like dating but just chit chat keep in touch type stuff. We text back and forth a little during the day almost every day. Every once in awhile I'll hint that we should go out or that I find her attractive and whenever I do she completely freezes. Like full deer in headlights and doesn't even respond to my text. Once this happens it's like she won't even send me another message until I send her something that is unrelated just so she can ignore the original message. Is this a common thing with girls? I see how this is an obvious hint that she's not interested or whatever but we've known each other quite some time and I would think she could just say no thanks or something instead of just flat ignoring me for days. Maybe she doesn't want to hurt my feelings? Example: She'll say something like "I feel so fat today after having ice cream nobody will ever think I'm pretty"... which to me is just asking for reassurance from a guy friend, right? So I just say something like "Whatever, I think you're very pretty even after ice cream". And then... nothing. Or, she'll say "I've got nothing to do this weekend I'm going to be so bored" and I'll say "Instead of being bored I'll take you out to dinner". And then... nothing. It's like anything at all that I mention about me even being possibly attracted to her shuts her down. This can go on for however long I let it too. I haven't tested it because I always give in and want to talk to her about something within a few days but it seems like if I don't send her another message about something else she will never text me again. I don't feel like I'm saying anything crazy to her and think that I'm actually being a really nice friend and not pushing her and am still talking to her even after she ignores me because we are friends after all. I guess she just has me in the friend for life column and can't even handle me talking about anything else! Hi IslandDude Sounds to me she's not looking at you as a potential sexual partner. And she's being quiet when you come up with the topic because she doesn't know what to do or say. Did you ever show her with your actions that you like her? And are you friends or just casual friends? Quite important for the way to treat each other and how you communicate. hope it helps! wildfiremichael
Versacehottie Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 I definitely was not direct with this current one until recently but with both of them I have given direct asks and feel like I can't really be any more clear with my intentions. Seems like they aren't being direct back to me. If I ask if they want to go out I expect a yes or no... Not just silence and no messaging until I change the subject. I'm having to write it off as them not wanting to deal with it or possibly not wanting to hurt my feelings. Personally I would rather get a hard no than them leaving it up in the air. I still see that as pussyfooting around. Basically even your resulting "reaction" to their non-action is passive. You wish you would get a hard no whereas a masculine, proactive guy would take the non-action on the girls' part or that they are not responding to the signal as a sign in itself that you either need to up the volume or directness of your ask OR that they are not interested. I still do not get why you are expecting a "hard no" when your questions are not direct. You be direct and then maybe you will get a direct answer. Anyhow in this case, on this thread, repeated actions of this girl as such, the absence of a hard no is no different than the fact that she has read your signs/hints but is not taking you up on them. It's a soft no but it means the same thing: she is not interested in you romantically.
Author IslandDude Posted May 20, 2016 Author Posted May 20, 2016 I still see that as pussyfooting around. Basically even your resulting "reaction" to their non-action is passive. You wish you would get a hard no whereas a masculine, proactive guy would take the non-action on the girls' part or that they are not responding to the signal as a sign in itself that you either need to up the volume or directness of your ask OR that they are not interested. I still do not get why you are expecting a "hard no" when your questions are not direct. You be direct and then maybe you will get a direct answer. Anyhow in this case, on this thread, repeated actions of this girl as such, the absence of a hard no is no different than the fact that she has read your signs/hints but is not taking you up on them. It's a soft no but it means the same thing: she is not interested in you romantically. Right. Totally got that part. What could I do to make my question more direct? I ask them directly to go out with a specific time and place. What do you mean by up the volume? I guess I could be like "are you interested or what?" but I don't want to act like a jerk especially with someone I already know. The next time this happens I'll just not respond until they do. I guess if they never respond again then they obviously aren't interested at all.
Versacehottie Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 Right. Totally got that part. What could I do to make my question more direct? I ask them directly to go out with a specific time and place. What do you mean by up the volume? I guess I could be like "are you interested or what?" but I don't want to act like a jerk especially with someone I already know. The next time this happens I'll just not respond until they do. I guess if they never respond again then they obviously aren't interested at all. In the case of this girl, I think you have indirectly shown interest a number of times--ie in her case there is no point in being direct anymore. As "direct" as you get with her, is EXACTLY when she freezes you out, so that essentially is the answer: not interested. Asking to go out with a specific time and place is not really direct enough when you have been friends or acquaintances. I can think of at least two times that I thought I was going out with a guy friend/acquaintance and then realized I was on a date!!!! All one of the guys did was ask for a time and place, I probably should have known because of the venue but I wasn't familiar with it. The second guy I should have known because he was slightly flirty with me before--but it was a concert and I thought he was in a solid relationship--i thought we were going because it was close to work and we liked the music. BOTH times each of the guys were flirty with me on the night of, pretty much right away, and I was sure when one guy put his arm around me and the other guy grabbed my hand--so there was physicality on the "date". Here's why you want to do the flirty before: i hadn't really shown interest that was anything more than friends, especially to the first one. I wasn't interested in either really and was bummed to be put in that awkward position with guys that I cared about as friends. You want to make sure that she either KNOWS it's a date OR that there is a mutual level of flirting before that shows she is open to dating you. With this one, you are not getting those signals--there isn't mutual flirting. That's what I mean about upping the "volume"; just figuratively. I don't think you are reading or giving signals accurately. So you need to make sure you are ACTUALLY flirting. You need to take it in when she responds or gives a non-response because BOTH of those are signs back from her of her level of interest or lack thereof. "Are you interested or what"? sounds or will come off sounding pretty jerky IMO. I don't know why you would need to do that. I feel like we are talking about a situation though that doesn't apply. Effectively, she has "answered" that question with her silence. You can't just mine your group of friends for dating prospects and assume if someone is hanging out with you that they are up for dating you. "Are you interested or what?" kinda sounds like you are pissed that she has been leading you on. Conversely in her mind, she thinks she has not been leading you on when she doesn't respond to your attempts to be flirty. Real question: what makes you think this one is romantically interested in you in any way? I haven't seen anything. Anyway, I feel like coming up with what you should say should you ever find yourself in a similar situation again is theoretical only--since it doesn't apply at all to this one. If you want to risk it with this one or if it comes up in the future, it's probably better to say something like: "Have you ever thought about us being more than friends? Because I have." Prefaced or followed by something nice and specific about her. I don't understand what you mean with the last part that I bolded. I will say first: if you want to be respected by the people you spend time with, try to keep things balanced. If they haven't responded to you, wait until they do. I feel like that doesn't always apply but you'd be good to incorporate it. When you say the second part about if they don't respond they were never interested, again I think you are confusing friendship interest with romantic interest. Just because you are fine interchanging the two of those, don't assume others are. It's the SAME when the freeze you out when you put out a mild flirty statement, if they repeatedly freeze you out at those moments, they are not interested, in flirting or romantic things with you. I think you need to find new blood. Sorry. I know it's frustrating. TBH, I can't see anything in the content of your posts that shows me that your interest in these girls is for any particular reason other than you know them, which may be why it's not reciprocal. I think you need to seek more of a real and mutual connection. For example, what do you like to do?
basil67 Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 If she doesn't want the compliments, perhaps "don't eat ice cream" would be a better response?
tayriley Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 circling a girl hoping she will change her mind from friends to something more comes off as weak and not so attractive. Playing the friend card when you really want more. I think that's what you may be doing or what it may appear like you are doing. As someone says above, a girl usually knows when that is happening. They actually typically don't have too much respect for you taking a passive role. THIS. girls are attracted to guys that make a bold move...texting to ask her out??? LAME!!! you have to show her you are into her. this means asking her directly out for a date, over the phone or in person. SHOW YOU HAVE SEXUAL INTEREST in her- flirt and give little touches here and there. if she is not pulling away, then keep it up. if she is, then stop. her stopping means she isn't into you. no girl is going to directly say 'I DONT WANT TO DATE YOU' for no reason. why close off the option? why hurt a guy's ego? she will only say that if you ASK HER TO DATE YOU and she doesnt want to and if she doesn't want to MOVE THE H-LL ON. stop hanging around hoping she'll change her mind. it comes off as pathetic. also- if a girl isn't responding to your ask- most guys would take that as a NO. stop pushing the issue. don't be that guy that can't take a hint. TAKE THE HINT. 1
Porter56 Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 Yeah you're being too timid with women. As a guy, I get it. It's almost impossible not to be creepy with them. Except for the few select ALPHA males, most men have to deal with the fact that they have a 90% chance of seeming creepy no matter what they do. I've seen it happen many times. Be direct: you can be labeled as a creep for coming on too strong. Too timid, and you circle around being passive like you, and you can be labeled as a creep. If you don't do anything at all and just keep admiring her from afar: you're a creep. It's a difficult landscape to navigate. And unfortunately they don't make a handbook or a manual for this. But just keep trying and hopefully it gets better. But always be open to the possibility that you might not get better LOL.
Versacehottie Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 Yeah you're being too timid with women. As a guy, I get it. It's almost impossible not to be creepy with them. Except for the few select ALPHA males, most men have to deal with the fact that they have a 90% chance of seeming creepy no matter what they do. I've seen it happen many times. Be direct: you can be labeled as a creep for coming on too strong. Too timid, and you circle around being passive like you, and you can be labeled as a creep. If you don't do anything at all and just keep admiring her from afar: you're a creep. It's a difficult landscape to navigate. And unfortunately they don't make a handbook or a manual for this. But just keep trying and hopefully it gets better. But always be open to the possibility that you might not get better LOL. Well here's the thing about "being creepy", it basically happens because these guys are being socially inept compared to the alpha males (i guess, I would say lots of guys are not creepy even if they aren't quite alpha). When a guy asks you out or makes a move and you've done NOTHING to indicate that you would want a move, that's desperate and yes kinda creepy. When he has put out signals he is interested and you do NOTHING in response to them, that's pathetic and yes kinda creepy. So maybe the difference of what alpha guys or better say guys that don't get labeled "creepy" is that they are better communicators. The pick up on and give out clues that indicate there is mutual interest. After all, maybe being a creep is just thinking anybody in front of you is a candidate.
phineas Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 THIS. girls are attracted to guys that make a bold move...texting to ask her out??? LAME!!! you have to show her you are into her. this means asking her directly out for a date, over the phone or in person. SHOW YOU HAVE SEXUAL INTEREST in her- flirt and give little touches here and there. if she is not pulling away, then keep it up. if she is, then stop. her stopping means she isn't into you. no girl is going to directly say 'I DONT WANT TO DATE YOU' for no reason. why close off the option? why hurt a guy's ego? she will only say that if you ASK HER TO DATE YOU and she doesnt want to and if she doesn't want to MOVE THE H-LL ON. stop hanging around hoping she'll change her mind. it comes off as pathetic. also- if a girl isn't responding to your ask- most guys would take that as a NO. stop pushing the issue. don't be that guy that can't take a hint. TAKE THE HINT. You sure you are really a woman and not a dude pretending? This is some good advice to a guy from a female poster when it comes to how a man should act. Katiegirl is good also. This is EXACTLY how I am with women. i'm direct and don't mess around. She don't go on a date with me, why am I talking to her? If it's women friends who i went out with previously or want to date & they know it but don't want to date me i keep them at a distance and only hang in groups. When they fish for compliments ignore them or offer to put them on a diet & exercise program. If they hit me up, i'm friendly for one or two texts then i tell them i gotta bounce because 9/10 any extended convo will turn into them just wanting my attention and i got better things to do. But, i've recently dropped 45lbs and now looking like my profile pic again except with a little more muscle and now these women are texting me compliments unsolicited. I ignore them. LOL! Basically, until they are asking me to do something with them alone i am still not interested. A few actually have and one slept with me no strings and i'm going out with another next week. So OP needs to learn a few things. 1. Friends spend time with each other. period. If this woman is not hanging out with the OP and interacting face to face she is not his friend so why is he even bothering texting her? 2. women who are into you & know you are into them make it super easy to spend time alone with them. 3. Get in shape and look like you lift. I'd been chubby for so long I forgot how easy it was to get dates when you are lean & have some muscle. 1
preraph Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 (edited) Look, she is just not interested. I don't think you're being too timid. I think you've taken a shot at asking her out and flirting and she has simply shut you down because she's simply not interested. But I don't think you're doing anything wrong and the next girl you do it to will probably go out with you, so move on and good luck. Edited May 21, 2016 by preraph
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