Is she into me?

May 20, 2016

Hello loveshack members, this is my first post ever on this forum, and as I am quite new to the dating scene, I think this place will be a valuable resource!

A little about me: I'm a 22 year old male. I had an online only relationship with a girl from the UK that lasted about 2 years. Surprisingly I fell deeply in love with her even though we never actually met and we skyped every day. We broke up August 2015 and I was completely devastated (first love and all ). This was my only experience with dating/relationships until January 2016. I then dated girl from a dating app in Jan-Feb 2016. She was my first kiss, ever. Also I got to second base with her, but then shortly after we fizzled out. I am still a virgin.

I guess I'd say I'm in a unique situation, I have experience of being a boyfriend (which I think I'm pretty good at) but hardly any experience with the traditional dating/courtship in real life. Until now, I've only been on 6 actual dates in my whole life. So that's the backstory haha.

Now, I've met another girl (lets call her Rose age: 19) from a dating app and we've been on 2 dates so far. After the first date, there was no physical contact at all, but she asked to kiss me, so we did briefly. During the second date, I mustered up courage to put my arm around her as we walked (I'm pretty timid when it comes to initiating any physical contact). She seemed fine with it, but didn't reciprocate any physical contact. I also initiated kissing near the end of the date. We're going on a 3rd date in a few days and I think I'll try to hold her hand at the very least. The problem is, I feel like she's not being affectionate. The first girl I dated was much more affectionate (she initiated hand holding on our 2nd date, she liked to cuddle on the couch, she also said she really liked me) so I knew she was into me and it gave me confidence to go further with her. Rose on the other hand, comes off as quite cold and besides the first kiss, hasn't tried to touch me on her own at all.

Reasons I think Rose is into me: 1) she called me attractive and initiated kissing on our first date. 2) She is agreeing to go out with me still. 3) She has agreed to talk on the phone when I asked and always replies to my texts (albeit sometimes it takes several hours).

Reasons I think she isn't into me: 1) I always have to initiate texting/calling her. 2) She came off as cold near the end of our 2nd date, like she was bored/wanted to leave. (I asked her about this later and she said she gets shy and randomly has anxiety.) 3) She doesn't act sweet like most girls do, but this may be her personality idk. 4) She hasn't tried to touch me except for a few pats on the arm after I made jokes lol.

So now I'm thinking, she might just be shy and wants me to take the lead on everything from here on out. Which kinda sucks for me because I get timid initiating any physical contact. Is this common? Maybe it will take a while before she warms up to me and acts more affectionate, idk. Sorry for the monster post but I really appreciate any advice!

Edited May 20, 2016 by stillminds

May 20, 2016

Welcome man. We're all here to learn and gain insight.

From reading your story, it sounded like she was really interested in you in the beginning and on the first date but has lost interest since then. In fact. At this point she may not even like you that much anymore, but knows you too well now to just break it off and probably feels really bad about having to tell you. Maybe she's hoping she'll "feel" it again, but who knows.

The reason I'm saying that is because of how you described the 2nd and 3rd date, and the fact that she's not initiating conversation and not responding to your texts until hours later. That's an indirect way of saying, "I'm not into you anymore, so leave me alone".

If you really like this girl, you can try to ask her out on one more date, if she agrees, try to go a little further sexually--go for a kiss and for more and see what happens. However, you need to wait for the right moment. Take her out, flirt, have really fun good conversation and when you feel the moment is right go for it. That's the only way to know for sure.

May 20, 2016

Welcome man. We're all here to learn and gain insight.

From reading your story, it sounded like she was really interested in you in the beginning and on the first date but has lost interest since then. In fact. At this point she may not even like you that much anymore, but knows you too well now to just break it off and probably feels really bad about having to tell you. Maybe she's hoping she'll "feel" it again, but who knows.

Thanks Grey! Here's another detail I should mention: after our 2nd date, I seriously felt like she was done with me. I texted her after I got home and said: "Had an awesome time with you! You know, I like you but I also want you to be happy. If you feel unsure about anything, it's ok to be honest with me!" So right there I gave her an option to break it off without hurting my feelings. She texted back explaining "just peg everything strange I do to shyness" and she explained she gets random anxiety and apologized.

She doesn't really seem shy and knows how to carry a conversation well, so maybe this is a cop out of sorts.

Ugh...I have degrees in physics and chemistry and figuring out women is 100x harder than the hardest problems I've done haha.

May 20, 2016

I hope your luck is different but speaking from personal experience any time you give a girl an option like that she writes you off as a "nice guy". Kind of like my you telling her she can tell you she doesn't like you tells her you have self doubt and makes you seem weaker. I'm curious what others say as I used to be like you and wanted to make sure everything was always on the up and up but I've since stopped doing that because it seems that what I'm saying and what I've read on here is true.

May 20, 2016

I hope your luck is different but speaking from personal experience any time you give a girl an option like that she writes you off as a "nice guy".

Yeah that's possible, but I did that because I was so sure she was just gunna ghost on me like the last one. I know they ghost on you when they don't want to hurt your feelings by breaking it off directly. So, I'd rather have her tell me than just ignore me forever D:

Also as I'm learning about dating, I'm trying not to be the typical "nice guy." For instance, I've teased her a few times (very light insults) like I would a with a good friend. But I also hold the door open, pay for nearly everything, compliment her when she insults herself (fishing for compliments), etc so she sees I'm not a complete jerk* xD.

Edited May 20, 2016 by stillminds

May 20, 2016

Girls like to feel like they are desired. Your wishy-washiness is making her desire for you go away. Her attraction to you fades because you aren't forward enough with her. I too am like this. I want to date a guy that is clear about being into me. Someone who contacts me regularly and asks me out on dates regularly. And on those dates, flirts and touches me without being awkward about it.

I don't like initiating contact or physical contact in the first part of a relationship- I want to see the guy be really into me. This is what attracts me to him. If he is lukewarm with me, then I start to feel lukewarm about him. That confidence of being sure of what he wants is very attractive.

I fully believe her when she says she is being shy/awkward...but I don't think of it that way...she just likes to be led in the beginning. If this is something you are uncomfortable with, then find a girl who is more forward. But if you are REALLY into her, then you need to make the moves. The fact that she asked to kiss you the first date says she already made hers. She is probably frustrated you are not making yours. In her mind, she was really bold and forward with you, and you did NOTHING to take advantage of the situation. Why only kiss briefly? Why not have a long passionate kiss? Or at least try for that? She wants to be shown you are hot for her.

another thing- some girls dont like a lot of touching/cuddling someone they barely know. it may take her longer to get comfortable with a person before she wants to cuddle with you. i know i am that way as well. but if a guy goes for it and i like him, i'll let him...but i certainly would not initiate it because i'm not a touchy-feely person at all. i dont usually go for hugs with my own friends, but i'll hug them if they go for it. i dont mind it, but it's an afterthought.

Edited May 20, 2016 by tayriley

May 20, 2016

At this point she may not even like you that much anymore, but knows you too well now to just break it off and probably feels really bad about having to tell you.

the fact that she's not initiating conversation and not responding to your texts until hours later. That's an indirect way of saying, "I'm not into you anymore, so leave me alone".

i totally disagree with this. it is way too soon for her to decide she likes or doesn't like him. he likely isn't doing what she is into...i dont reply to texts for hours sometimes because i have no idea what to respond. (i hate texting unless it's for direct information...ie, 'what time will u be there?' '7')

she straight up told him she is shy/awkward. i believe that.

May 20, 2016

Rule of thumb.....if she keeps going on dates with you that means she is interested. She is not lying to you, she IS SHY. She also mentioned anxiety, which makes total sense why she isn't crawling all over you. Anxiety is a real disorder. Not only does it cause fear/ over thinking, it also can cause physical pain, increase heart rate, panic attacks, nausea, etc.

Shy people need a confident person to take the lead. In time she will feel more comfortable initiating, but you need to be patient if you want to pursue this any further.

May 20, 2016

I don't like initiating contact or physical contact in the first part of a relationship- I want to see the guy be really into me. This is what attracts me to him. If he is lukewarm with me, then I start to feel lukewarm about him. That confidence of being sure of what he wants is very attractive.

So if I gave you my number you wouldn't call me or text me?

May 20, 2016

i totally disagree with this. it is way too soon for her to decide she likes or doesn't like him.

At this juncture it is too soon to know. She is still going on dates with him so the interest is there. If she stops talking to him, canceling on dates, then he'll know she lost interest.

May 20, 2016

i totally disagree with this. it is way too soon for her to decide she likes or doesn't like him. he likely isn't doing what she is into...i dont reply to texts for hours sometimes because i have no idea what to respond. (i hate texting unless it's for direct information...ie, 'what time will u be there?' '7')

she straight up told him she is shy/awkward. i believe that.

But he said that she's not initiating conversation. She's not texting him first or showing interest. If the girl really likes you, wouldn't she reach out and text you if you take a while? I know that if a girl just stops texting me and I always have to restart the conversation, I think she's no longer interested automatically.

I agree that if she keeps agreeing to dates then she's interested so in This case yes. But, any girl who just stops talking to you, doesn't initiate conversation or offer more to keep the conversation going is either super boring or not interested.

May 21, 2016

But he said that she's not initiating conversation. She's not texting him first or showing interest. If the girl really likes you, wouldn't she reach out and text you if you take a while? I know that if a girl just stops texting me and I always have to restart the conversation, I think she's no longer interested automatically.

I agree that if she keeps agreeing to dates then she's interested so in This case yes. But, any girl who just stops talking to you, doesn't initiate conversation or offer more to keep the conversation going is either super boring or not interested.

Did you even read my comment?? I JUST SAID- I DONT INITIATE because i want to gauge how into me he is....and i'm a woman...soo.....you are wrong.

Also, there is nothing boring about me. I just don't like to text. I ESPECIALLY hate when people text open ended lame sh-t like 'hey how are you' or 'what're you doing' to me...so stuff like that i'll either ignore all together or take hours to respond to. whereas, if you text 'do you want to meet at 6 or 7?' i'll text back as soon as i decide my preference. if you text a joke, i might just reply 'lol'...it doesnt make me boring that i prefer to talk on the phone or in person. text conversations are tedious and a complete waste of time to me. something can be said in 5 minutes on the phone said in a five hour text conversation makes me want to vomit and DOES NOT make me want to have sex with you.

point is- I DONT WANT TO INITIATE...I DON'T WANT TO TEXT FIRST...I WANT HIM TO...and if he doesn't, then i'm not going to be into him. that is just the fact of the matter. sure, there are girls attracted to 'bad boy' types that never text them back..but those girls have daddy issues or abandonment issues.

if i stop the conversation COMPLETELY- then i'm not into you. anything less than that...if i'm texting you back, even hours later, i'm still open to being with you-- but you have to show me YOU want ME. that means, set up a date days in advance, make SPECIFIC plans on what we're going to do- something you think i'd enjoy (nothing worse than 'where do u want to eat?' 'i dunno, where do you want to eat?' 'what's open right now?'), offer to pick me up, tell me i look nice/pretty, compliment something i'm wearing or a nonsexual physical feature (eyes, hair, nails), flirt with me, touch me a little, walk me to my car/door, hug/kiss me goodnite....

May 21, 2016

But he said that she's not initiating conversation. She's not texting him first or showing interest. If the girl really likes you, wouldn't she reach out and text you if you take a while? I know that if a girl just stops texting me and I always have to restart the conversation, I think she's no longer interested automatically.

I agree that if she keeps agreeing to dates then she's interested so in This case yes. But, any girl who just stops talking to you, doesn't initiate conversation or offer more to keep the conversation going is either super boring or not interested.

Women don't initiate with me unless they have been playing hard to get and I decided to bail on them.

Then they blow up my phone when they realize i'm not going to chase.

but at that point, unless they are trying to make actual plans with me i'm usually no longer interested.

This is different.

OP should of never sent that text.

He should also be the man here & go for it.

Some women are more forward and some women need to be led so to speak.

OP needs to just man up & go for it because the girl he's seeing is not going to do the work for him.

May 21, 2016

Thanks for the responses guys, so I'm able to see this situation from all vantage points.

Here's an update: last night she actually initiated a text conversation (2nd time ever) and wanted to tell me something very personal as to why exactly she is nervous/anxious about physical stuff. Hopefully the fact she was able to confide something so personal with me means she trusts and likes me, right?

From these responses I've seen, I'll assume she'd prefer if I lead everything from here on out. On our third date in a few days, I'll just muster up all my courage and lead more. Of course, I'll have to adapt to how forward I should be with trial and error. :/

Edited May 21, 2016 by stillminds

May 21, 2016

sure, there are girls attracted to 'bad boy' types that never text them back..but those girls have daddy issues or abandonment issues.

Some high quality people

May 21, 2016

But he said that she's not initiating conversation. She's not texting him first or showing interest. If the girl really likes you, wouldn't she reach out and text you if you take a while? I know that if a girl just stops texting me and I always have to restart the conversation, I think she's no longer interested automatically.

I agree that if she keeps agreeing to dates then she's interested so in This case yes. But, any girl who just stops talking to you, doesn't initiate conversation or offer more to keep the conversation going is either super boring or not interested.

I hear you and agree with you but there are women who are wired to expect the guy to lead at all times.. especially in the beginning stages.

>>> she wants to be won over.

May 30, 2016

Alright, here's an update: we went on date #3 yesterday. Overall it was good, I asked her about her past relationships and she said she had very little experience with those. From there we talked about sex; she said she's been to frigid/nervous/timid in the past. She asked me if I was a virgin, and I said yes. She then admitted she was a virgin too.

So I feel like I have to take things slow with her. I know if she feels like she's being pressured into anything she'll recoil. We held hands quite often though (intertwining fingers). I put my arm around her @ the theater and she rested her head on my shoulder, so it feels like she's gradually warming up to me. Also at the end of the date she initiated kissing.

So how does one handle this situation? We are two virgin introverts who get nervous about physical things beyond kissing. Thanks for any advice!

May 30, 2016

Girls like to feel like they are desired. Your wishy-washiness is making her desire for you go away. Her attraction to you fades because you aren't forward enough with her. I too am like this. I want to date a guy that is clear about being into me. Someone who contacts me regularly and asks me out on dates regularly. And on those dates, flirts and touches me without being awkward about it.

I don't like initiating contact or physical contact in the first part of a relationship- I want to see the guy be really into me. This is what attracts me to him. If he is lukewarm with me, then I start to feel lukewarm about him. That confidence of being sure of what he wants is very attractive.

I fully believe her when she says she is being shy/awkward...but I don't think of it that way...she just likes to be led in the beginning. If this is something you are uncomfortable with, then find a girl who is more forward. But if you are REALLY into her, then you need to make the moves. The fact that she asked to kiss you the first date says she already made hers. She is probably frustrated you are not making yours. In her mind, she was really bold and forward with you, and you did NOTHING to take advantage of the situation. Why only kiss briefly? Why not have a long passionate kiss? Or at least try for that? She wants to be shown you are hot for her.

another thing- some girls dont like a lot of touching/cuddling someone they barely know. it may take her longer to get comfortable with a person before she wants to cuddle with you. i know i am that way as well. but if a guy goes for it and i like him, i'll let him...but i certainly would not initiate it because i'm not a touchy-feely person at all. i dont usually go for hugs with my own friends, but i'll hug them if they go for it. i dont mind it, but it's an afterthought.

This. This. This.

I am in a very similar situation OP. Been seeing a guy, first time we went out, I kissed him and made it clear that I was into him. However, he has not been reciprocating and is wishy-washy. This has made me start to lose my interest in pursuing him cause I have no idea what his actual intentions or feelings are. He is doing absolutely nothing (physically wise especially) to show any desire and it's a turn off.

It was clear she was into you and if you feel the same way, don't hesitate, be scared or wait to show the same. Go in there and make some type of move or else she will begin to question your interest in her.

May 30, 2016

So now I'm thinking, she might just be shy and wants me to take the lead on everything from here on out. Which kinda sucks for me because I get timid initiating any physical contact. Is this common? Maybe it will take a while before she warms up to me and acts more affectionate, idk. Sorry for the monster post but I really appreciate any advice!

Forget about her being affectionate in the beginning, you need to warm her up to the idea.

Most women want you to take the lead. This is not uncommon at all. Lose the timidness immediately. Start with something very small like holding her hand, touching her back when she walks through a door, hugging her when you first meet, then step it up to massaging her neck, putting your hand on her lower back, and so on. If she reacts negatively to any of it, do not proceed any further with physical contact. She is either conservative or not into you. If she is conservative, you'll need to find out what she is comfortable with.

May 31, 2016

Also at the end of the date she initiated kissing.

I think I can only ever remember once or twice in my life (out of 100s) that a girl initiated kissing, and that's when I was on a date with someone I didn't really fancy.

OP, it's your job to initiate the kissing. I know you are inexperienced, but unless you start to lead and "man up" you are not going to create attraction, and she will start doubting your interest.

May 31, 2016

She is either conservative or not into you. If she is conservative, you'll need to find out what she is comfortable with.

Yeah everything I've initiated (hugging, hand holding, kissing, arm around her shoulder/lower back) she hasn't reacted negatively to. She seems to be just "going with the flow." Maybe next date I'll try something more sexual and see how she reacts...but I know I have to use a light touch with her.

I'm aware it may take a decent while before she is ready for actual sex since she's a virgin. I know I'm ready for it, but I'm sure I'll be nervous when the time comes lol.

June 21, 2016

UPDATE: So I'm still with her, last night was our 6th date. Now that I know her better I realize that the signs I get from her (or lack thereof) are just part of her personality haha. I'm not really having any expectations with her, since setting expectations too high can just lead to more disappointment in the future. For now I'm just having fun and gaining experience. For example, I've learned to kiss/make out quite well thanks to her . We're both not seeing anyone else, but we haven't decided to be "exclusive" yet.

I'm basically just turning up the intensity little by little each time, so we'll just have to see what comes of that.

Edited June 21, 2016 by stillminds

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