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I want a wedding blessed by God but he doesn't. How to cope?

coti

By coti
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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coti New Member

coti

Posted
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I am a little confused regading the future of my relationship. I am 32 and have been together with my boyfriend for 3 years and he is great and shows so much love for me and my 10 year old son. He is 34.

 

My son is from a previous marriage and he asked my BF if we could live with him. I agreed and moved 8 months ago even tho I always believed that living together was only after marriage, due to my cristian religion.

 

We have talked about marriage but he has the idea of «why rush if we are good like this?» I think we are good, but I NEED a marrige blessed by God. I dont really care for the legal paper or a big party, but he doesn't undertand how important it is to me, and a real family needs that blessing.

 

I really love him and my son does too. For me is not a reason to break up because I believe he is the best man, made specially for me, and my parents love him as well.

 

At this point I only can think that it will happen one day, but still is sad for me.

I would love some advise on this and how to cope with waiting for the proposal of a new family.

Lois_Griffin Established Member

Lois_Griffin

Posted
Posted

So....basically, you're good enough to live with, you're good enough to share in the financial expenses, you're good enough to do his laundry, cook his meals and clean the house, but you're not good enough to marry.

 

Got it.

  • Like 6
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Religion is a huge issue to some & it can be very divisive . Your faith is important to you but you still can cram your beliefs down his throat.

 

Now that you have moved in & she's saying things that amount to why should he buy the cow when he's already getting the milk for free you have to recognize that you have not given him any incentive to marry you. He likes things just the way they are. If you want more, he's not your guy.

  • Like 5
anika99 Established Member

anika99

Posted
Posted

If your Christian values were important to you then you would have never moved in with him in the first place. Just because you tossed your principles aside doesn't mean he has to do the same. Why should he honor your values when you don't even honor your values?

 

I think your choices now are to either accept your living arrangements or move out. Don't keep nagging him to marry you. That isn't attractive and do you really want a man to propose to you only because you pressured him into it?

 

I'm not saying it's wrong or right to live together without marriage. That is a personal belief and everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. However I am saying that being a strong woman with integrity involves taking responsibility for own life and your own decisions, and honouring your own principles even when others do not. Interesting the way you fob off your decision to move in with this guy onto your 10 yr old son, like he caused it somehow. Now your fobbing off your choices onto your boyfriend. If you don't believe in living together before marriage then don't.

 

Move out and tell your BF that you have to stay true to your beliefs. Perhaps he will propose one day or perhaps you will have to move on to find a man who believes the same as you. Or stay but if you stay stop saying that living together is against your values because obviously that isn't true and nobody has to change their own values to assist you in maintaining your own values. That is on you.

  • Like 6
Lady Hamilton Established Member

Lady Hamilton

Posted
Posted

Balancing secular norms with spiritual beliefs is super challenging, so I get where you're coming from when you say you're doing it, but it's against your beliefs. The secular self has a different comfort level than the spiritual self, so there I'm totally following you.

 

The thing is I think you answered your own question when you said it bothers you and you'd like to get married, but it's not a deal breaker. That leaves you with several choices, but not a lot of options.

 

If it's not worth breaking up with him over, I think the best you can do is sit down and really say why it's important to you on a spiritual level and what protections it offers you both (inheritances, medical insurance savings, etc). Maybe it'll resonate with him, maybe not, but if you've done that there's really not much else you can do.

 

Should it become a deal breaker for either of you, well... Then there's more options, but they're very definite resolutions with no wiggle room.

  • Like 1
BettyDraper Established Member

BettyDraper

Posted
Posted
So....basically, you're good enough to live with, you're good enough to share in the financial expenses, you're good enough to do his laundry, cook his meals and clean the house, but you're not good enough to marry.

 

Got it.

 

This is why couples need to make sure that they are on the same page, about where their relationship is going before moving in together.

 

Giving a man the advantages of being married without the formal commitment is not a good choice for a woman who wants to be a wife.

  • Like 2
Lady Hamilton Established Member

Lady Hamilton

Posted
Posted
Giving a man the advantages of being married without the formal commitment is not a good choice for a woman who wants to be a wife.

 

That al depends. If the guy wants to eventually get married to begin with, living together isn't necessarily a barrier. I've dated lots of guys where they wanted to marry, but wanted to live together first to get a feel on compatibility. That's how I roll too, honestly.

 

But if he doesn't want to get married, his "finish line" in terms of relationship advancement ends at moving in. There's nowhere to go from there. So moving him in won't entice him to marry, but not moving him in until the marriage won't make him marry either. He'd probably just end the relationship.

burnt Established Member

burnt

Posted
Posted

When you say you two "talked about marriage", what did that talk sound like? Did you say to him that you would LIKE to get married or did you tell him that you NEED to get married?

 

Did you communicate with him how important you see the entire marriage matter to you?

 

IF you clearly told him that you NEED marriage and he ignored it, then HE has a huge communication problem with you.

 

IF you kinda hinted/suggested that you'd like to get married, but didn't tell him how direly important this matter is to you, then YOU have a huge communication problem with him.

 

Either way, "open communication about each other's needs" is what needs to be addressed first.

  • Like 1
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
I am a little confused regading the future of my relationship. I am 32 and have been together with my boyfriend for 3 years

At 32 and three years into your relationship with a mindset that you should be and need to be married, then you cannot afford to hang about waiting and waiting.

If you want more kids and do not want them out of wedlock then time is moving on.

YOU cannot force any man to marry you, but after 3 long years he should have a pretty good idea if he wants to marry you or not and his non committal «why rush if we are good like this?» is not filling me with much hope here that marriage to you is on his mind.

Clarify YOUR position and if the response is still non committal or unfavourable then do not be that woman who waits 6-10 years for marriage to find eventually he dumps her and marries someone else within a very short period of time.

  • Like 2
T-16bullseyeWompRat Established Member

T-16bullseyeWompRat

Posted
Posted
If your Christian values were important to you then you would have never moved in with him in the first place. Just because you tossed your principles aside doesn't mean he has to do the same. Why should he honor your values when you don't even honor your values?

 

This right here! Guess your Christian values are only there to serve your purposes in life. You had zero problem throwing those values to the curb for your want to move in with him. Now you want to spout Christianity and values to get him to marry you. Whatever. Maybe this is god punishing you for your lack of judgement for having moved in with him.

 

But I agree with others in that you gave him no reason to pop the question. You backed out on your own values and now you will pay the price for that. Good luck

  • Like 1
Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
Posted
«why rush if we are good like this?»

 

more like.. "why buy the cow when the milk is free"

 

although under a year there shouldn't be any pressure but with you both you should have the where are we going with this talk.. and soon..

 

Don't let him cheat you out of having a marriage and family unit...

  • Like 1
anika99 Established Member

anika99

Posted
Posted
When you say you two "talked about marriage", what did that talk sound like? Did you say to him that you would LIKE to get married or did you tell him that you NEED to get married?

 

Did you communicate with him how important you see the entire marriage matter to you?

 

IF you clearly told him that you NEED marriage and he ignored it, then HE has a huge communication problem with you.

 

IF you kinda hinted/suggested that you'd like to get married, but didn't tell him how direly important this matter is to you, then YOU have a huge communication problem with him.

 

Either way, "open communication about each other's needs" is what needs to be addressed first.

 

How do you see this as a communication problem on his side? OP told him she wants to get married and he told her he doesn't want to. Just because he doesn't want what she wants doesn't mean he has a communication problem. The OP has a communication problem because her actions don't match her words or her core principles.

  • Like 1
BettyDraper Established Member

BettyDraper

Posted
Posted (edited)
That al depends. If the guy wants to eventually get married to begin with, living together isn't necessarily a barrier. I've dated lots of guys where they wanted to marry, but wanted to live together first to get a feel on compatibility. That's how I roll too, honestly.

 

But if he doesn't want to get married, his "finish line" in terms of relationship advancement ends at moving in. There's nowhere to go from there. So moving him in won't entice him to marry, but not moving him in until the marriage won't make him marry either. He'd probably just end the relationship.

 

My husband proposed to me after four months of cohabitation. However, we agreed that marriage was the end result of our relationship beforehand. Neither of us lived with anyone before and we both saw moving in together as a definite step toward marriage.

I didn't want to audition to be his wife.

 

The bottom line is it's imperative for a couple to have the same values when it comes to important issues such as marriage, children, finances, etc.

 

More often than not, men do not feel the need for marriage if a woman is willing to move in with no firm intent to marry.

Edited by BettyDraper
BettyDraper Established Member

BettyDraper

Posted
Posted
At 32 and three years into your relationship with a mindset that you should be and need to be married, then you cannot afford to hang about waiting and waiting.

If you want more kids and do not want them out of wedlock then time is moving on.

YOU cannot force any man to marry you, but after 3 long years he should have a pretty good idea if he wants to marry you or not and his non committal «why rush if we are good like this?» is not filling me with much hope here that marriage to you is on his mind.

Clarify YOUR position and if the response is still non committal or unfavourable then do not be that woman who waits 6-10 years for marriage to find eventually he dumps her and marries someone else within a very short period of time.

 

This. I hardly think 3 years is "rushing" a relationship towards marriage.

 

I wouldn't stay with a man longer than 1.5 years if he wasn't keen on marriage.

 

The OP's boyfriend doesn't want to marry her and she needs to move on. Staying true to her values would also be helpful in the future.

  • Like 1
dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

Posted
Posted

Does you BF go to church with you and your child? What role would he have in supporting that practice in your life?

 

common beliefs are beneficial for a child.

 

Will he legally adopt your child, or is the bio dad (your ex) still in the picture

  • Like 1
burnt Established Member

burnt

Posted
Posted
How do you see this as a communication problem on his side? OP told him she wants to get married and he told her he doesn't want to. Just because he doesn't want what she wants doesn't mean he has a communication problem. The OP has a communication problem because her actions don't match her words or her core principles.

 

What I said originally,

IF you clearly told him that you NEED marriage and he ignored it, then HE has a huge communication problem with you.

 

and her bf's reaction was

he has the idea of «why rush if we are good like this?» I think we are good,

 

that IS a communication problem on his part. "Communication" between two partners (married or not) is a two-way process. It's not just speaking with clarity, but also listening with understanding.

 

His response of "why RUSH" suggest neither "yes" nor a "no" to the idea of marriage, but rather a "let's wait and see…indefinitely…" That is clearly a failure to acknowledge OP's frustration. A clear communication on his part would have been to either say "yes ok we'll get married…" or "no, I don't want to, but since it's so important to you, we then need to separate …" He is doing neither.

  • Like 2
66Charger Established Member

66Charger

Posted
Posted (edited)

If the answer isnt yes, then it is no.

 

Buying the cow when the milk is free is outdated. Living together should benefit both sides, married or not, at a minimum, financialy. Living by yourself is WAY easier than cohabitating, especially if there is a 10 year old child involved. The benefit is clearly to the single mom, unless he contributes nothing but a penis.

 

No, can mean that the love is not deep enough, the fear of commitment (responsibility) or the fear of divorce. Rarely is there a different reason. You have to find out the reason why and act on those reasons. Cohabitation changes none of these. There is nothing to discuss if the reason is "like" but not love.

 

No one should question your Christian beliefs, because you chose to have sex outside of marriage. Always do the best you can, even if you chose to live in sin. Belief is a path, not a direction. Sometimes you wander off the path, but you KNOW its there.

 

Find the reason, not just the answer.

Edited by 66Charger
BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

Posted
Posted
I am a little confused regading the future of my relationship. I am 32 and have been together with my boyfriend for 3 years and he is great and shows so much love for me and my 10 year old son. He is 34.

 

My son is from a previous marriage and he asked my BF if we could live with him. I agreed and moved 8 months ago even tho I always believed that living together was only after marriage, due to my cristian religion.

 

Ok, you're not going to like this advice, but sometimes the Truth is not what we like.

 

1. If you truly want to a marriage blessed by God, it's important to obey God. He is our Father in Heaven and He likes to be obeyed, same as parents like for their children to obey them. (My parents got very unhappy at least when I refused to obey their rules; I learned that at a very young age lol.)

 

2. You know that living together is not obeying God. Yet, you decide to do it because your son asked? It's important to be firm in one's convictions. Otherwise, it's very easy to be swayed by the whims of other people.

 

3. If you truly want a marriage blessed by God, then you need to not live together until marriage. I'm sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear, but that's how it is. You need to be firm in your convictions, or you will find yourself where you are now, feeling sad because of not having a marriage blessed by God.

 

We have talked about marriage but he has the idea of «why rush if we are good like this?» I think we are good, but I NEED a marrige blessed by God.

 

If you need a marriage blessed by God, what steps are you taking to show this is what you need?

 

The reason I have a marriage blessed by God (for around 5 years now) is because I asked God to bring me the man He has for me, and I decided to obey Him. God answered my prayers with a yes by bringing a wonderful Christian man :love: who loves Him and me, and who went to premarital counseling with me at our church.

 

We did not live together until after our wedding, out of respect for God. (I would have liked to live with him before our wedding, but respecting God = following His way, even when our way sounds more fun.)

 

I dont really care for the legal paper or a big party, but he doesn't undertand how important it is to me, and a real family needs that blessing.

 

Agreed.

I really love him and my son does too. For me is not a reason to break up because I believe he is the best man, made specially for me, and my parents love him as well.

 

At this point I only can think that it will happen one day, but still is sad for me.

I would love some advise on this and how to cope with waiting for the proposal of a new family.

 

Well, you could pray for him, that God convicts him. Is he a Christian? Marriages are a fundamental part of Christian communities. I think this is why you want a marriage blessed by God, yes? Because of Christian beliefs?

 

I do recommend moving to another place until marriage. However, it's possible he will decide no. That is heart-breaking, but God helps people heal.

 

Or, he could feel forced to marry you. That's not cool and will lead to resentment which brings marital problems. It's really tough when a person is not firm in their convictions and then expects another person to uphold their convictions, after not being firm from the start.

 

So if you don't want to lose him, I guess the best thing is to pray for him, that God will convict him to voluntarily decide to marry you. However, remember that God is a Gentleman and He lets people decide. God won't force him to marry you at all.

BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

Posted
Posted
Balancing secular norms with spiritual beliefs is super challenging, so I get where you're coming from when you say you're doing it, but it's against your beliefs. The secular self has a different comfort level than the spiritual self, so there I'm totally following you.

 

Very eloquently stated, wow!

The thing is I think you answered your own question when you said it bothers you and you'd like to get married, but it's not a deal breaker. That leaves you with several choices, but not a lot of options.

 

If it's not worth breaking up with him over, I think the best you can do is sit down and really say why it's important to you on a spiritual level and what protections it offers you both (inheritances, medical insurance savings, etc). Maybe it'll resonate with him, maybe not, but if you've done that there's really not much else you can do.

 

Should it become a deal breaker for either of you, well... Then there's more options, but they're very definite resolutions with no wiggle room.

Awesome advice! Christians are also supposed to pray... that's our communication line with God. It would be awesome if her boyfriend were to share her spiritual values. However, prayer is not a genie petition line lol.

 

God decides if and when He convicts people of something, and people decide if they will heed Him or not.

SoleMate Established Member

SoleMate

Posted
Posted
If the answer isnt yes, then it is no.

That makes sense.

 

Whereas this......

 

Living together should benefit both sides, married or not, at a minimum, financialy. Living by yourself is WAY easier [for a man - implicit assumption clarified - ed.] than cohabitating, especially if there is a 10 year old child involved. The benefit is clearly to the single mom.....

....does not.

 

....unless he contributes nothing but a penis.

Like that's a rare event.

 

Based on the data, where men generally push for cohabitation, it is reasonable to assume that they find it benefits them. Men are eager to cohabit in many cases, looking for companionship, sex, homemaking, meals, and all the many undoubted benefits of a house with a woman running it. Naturally these are broad brush statements and individual cases will vary widely.

 

As to OP, it doesn't make sense to pray for your forever family to somehow coalesce or coagulate out of your current circumstances. Prayer may make sense to people hoping for rain or for a cancer to finally go into remission after grueling treatment, as those are things NOT under human control. However, your boyfriend's behavior is completely under his control, as your behavior is under yours. No need to pray when you can simply turn to your bf to discuss, and then to make your own plans for you and your son based on what you hear.

 

Do keep in mind that, as noted above, some No's will never be spoken aloud. You will only "hear" the No when you realize at long last that the Yes is never coming. :-(

  • Like 1
Cherryz Established Member

Cherryz

Posted
Posted

Alot of amazing great honest replays on your topic.

 

I hope you embrace at least one of them.

 

You cant force things like religion and having kids etc on people.

So you have to start from the beginning with dating Christians if obeying God is

important to you.

I dont understand how a kid can ask a boyfriend yours to move in with him, and you agree just like that. Without doing any thinking yourself.

Or tell your child not to do such thing. Cause its a adult matter.

 

You are a single mom and also divorced. I think being as vulnerable and coming from such background, why would you give up all and live with someone?

I think it would have been "smarter" if you at-least rented a home next to him, then give up all and relay on him for your rove.

 

You give him everything already, so he probably also dont feel the need to marry you.

What different it makes if you do live together just as someone that is not into marriage, but ask marriage later on? We choose how we want to be treated. And at what standard.

Even-thou this guy may not be into marriage at all even if you ddnt move in.

 

Either way,you coming from divorce, its good to be much more careful with marrying out of emotion just. Or in hurry. Its good that you want to be marry, but if you want to be taken serious on your believe, you have to also walk the walk.

And marriage is what God want us to do. But He also want us to do it with the rigth person and at the rigth time.

 

Maybe this guy is not for you. Take your time single, enjoy yourself in helping others, work, and sure your son, travel, and so on.

Dont force relationships. Because if this person is not christian, but marry you to please you, you will keep getting issues at everything religious that you want to do.

Clockwork Established Member

Clockwork

Posted
Posted

As a man I never know how women put up with this. In some situations a woman can have 2-3 children with a man but isn't good enough to marry. I never understood that. I was married within 18 months of meeting my wife. If you know you know. But there is always a reason why a guy doesn't want to marry his wife and NONE of it has to do with "it is just a piece of paper." Please ladies, if I can save any of you the hassle I can assure you, that statement is a hoax. A man will marry you if he wants to marry you, simply put. So this guy not wanting to is a huge red flag.

 

 

 

 

Also, since you mentioned you are a Christian you should know one very important thing. God makes specific reference to people being equally yoked in marriage. He does not condone marriages where people are unequally yoked. In other words, a true believer should not want to marry a non-believer. This is a perfect example of why. Your values are different and God knows this stuff is going to happen.

 

 

I would think long and hard about this because your faith should be #1 in your life and it shapes how you raise your children. you will run into many problems if you do not marry someone who is a Christian as well.

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