teacherman Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 I will try to keep this as succinct as possible. About 2 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend, whom I lived with, of 3 years. I had lost the spark and had developed feelings for another girl, so I thought it was time to put an end to it. The other girl was not the reason, but more of a catalyst. I really loved my ex. Our relationship was great until the last 6 months or so. She loved me so deeply and never made me doubt anything. I had thoughts of proposing, but things just didn't work out. I have the utmost respect for her and think she is a wonderful person. This other girl, now...we have been going on dates for about 6 weeks (I know, it's pretty soon after the breakup). She's expressed her desire to go very slow with this, since she has had issues with rushing into relationships before. Completely understandable. We kiss, hold hands, cuddle, mess around (no sex yet), etc. We recently have established that we are exclusive, and that she doesn't want to date anyone else, but wants to get to know me on a deeper level before attaching any labels. She's great, but she's very different than my ex. She's somewhat aloof, hot and cold sometimes, and always leaves me wondering. I always feel like I'm chasing, which is naturally not a very comfortable position to be in. This is directly contrasting with my ex, who was always so sure to tell me how she felt and never left a doubt in my mind how she felt about me. That was always so nice. I moved to my current city for my ex not even a year ago. So...I'm now here without many friends outside of my coworkers. Family is a few hours away. I feel like I'm more invested in this budding relationship because of this. I am naturally a very caring and loving guy, so I feel like I may be in more deep than she is. I don't know how to change this, and I hate playing the game of acting like I don't care. To add to all this...I've been thinking about my ex a lot lately. I had some doubts early on, but those went away until a week or so ago. I have been thinking about her and recalling our relationship and what I loved about it/her. I've been finding myself wanting to reach out to her...but haven't. I don't know if I'm missing her or if I'm missing the stability and constant love. I don't know how to take the next step with this new girl. I am very confused and would love some advice from you all. Thank you.
Dis Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 Sounds like you moved on to greener pastures only to find out they arent as green as you thought they were. Men do this all the time, they have a great girl...someone who treats them like gold....then they f*** it up and things end...then they realize how dumb they were and wish they could get her back. Typical. All of my ex's wanted me back too...unfortunately for them I have a back bone and know better. Tough luck for you dude 1
Author teacherman Posted May 20, 2016 Author Posted May 20, 2016 Right, I realize that this is most likely GIGS. Which really isn't a good situation. What logical options do I have?
elaine567 Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 You got bored with your ex and the lack of her sex drive was not making you happy either. YOU ended it and moved on Miss Breathtaking who you are finding is blowing hot and cold (never a good sign; hot and cold = lukewarm) and now you miss your ex. There ARE actually more than two women in the world. Pull up the anchor and go seek your fortune elsewhere, Miss Breathtaking is obviously not the woman for you, or maybe more pertinently you are not the man for her. Maybe you just need to go home, establish a base, reconnect with your friends and family again and start dating again from there.
startingagain15 Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 Remembering your older posts I think you needed to break up with your GF and it will be for the best. This new girl though probably doesn't sound like the right one for you either. She was the distraction you needed to make the break from an unhealthy relationship, but she's not the answer. It's maybe too soon to even be thinking about being in an exclusive relationship. Work on yourself, maybe think about moving home like pp said if that's a possibility with summer coming and a break from teaching? Date around some to get a better sense of yourself and what makes you happy.
butterfly1958 Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 You sound confused and uncertain. That is a very difficult place to be. What is it you are looking for in your mate? What are the top 5 characteristics? What values does a significant other have to espouse? What is your vision for your life? How are you planning on getting there? What would focusing on you and making yourself content look like? What value can you then add to a relationship? How can you commit to a relationship when you are confused and uncertain. Praying you realize what your talents are and discern how to use them to the fullest. Someone who is right can be blessed by those talents and the confidence of knowing yourself well.
Cinnamonstix Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 You have moved on too fast and now you are swimming in muddy waters. Your feelings are all mixed up, and you are comparing your current girl to your ex. This is not a good place to be starting a new relationship from, and it is not fair to yourself or the new girl. Taking a break from relationships would have been the wise choice to make. It's not too late to make it. By the way, your new girl may be blowing hot and cold because she is picking up on energy from you and is being guarded. See how complicated it can be when you're not over an ex? 1
CarrieT Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 Teacherman, you had feelings for this other girl when you were with your old GF and you projected your desires upon this new girl; you played out in your head what you thought and hoped this new relationship would be. And now it isn't. I did the same thing once. I was with a guy for 11 years and the relationship was going stale and problematic and I met someone else. And before I had a chance to be on my own or even get to know the new person properly, I ended the old relationship for the new one. For me, it entirely backfired. The honeymoon period lasted about 14 months and then went extremely toxic. The ending of that second relationship is what brought me to this site all those years ago. You need to dig down deep and find out if you are someone - like I was - who is sort of addicted to being in a relationship; i.e., if the new girl had never come along, would you have continued with the old relationship or did you know in your deepest gut that it was doomed to end at some point? Because that may be the crux of where you will go next in your life. I agree with others that you probably moved too quickly into the new relationship and that it may not last as well. It might be time to be on your own instead of wistfully lamenting the loss of an old relationship that wasn't that good anyway, but was just comfortable.
Author teacherman Posted May 21, 2016 Author Posted May 21, 2016 Teacherman, you had feelings for this other girl when you were with your old GF and you projected your desires upon this new girl; you played out in your head what you thought and hoped this new relationship would be. And now it isn't. I did the same thing once. I was with a guy for 11 years and the relationship was going stale and problematic and I met someone else. And before I had a chance to be on my own or even get to know the new person properly, I ended the old relationship for the new one. For me, it entirely backfired. The honeymoon period lasted about 14 months and then went extremely toxic. The ending of that second relationship is what brought me to this site all those years ago. You need to dig down deep and find out if you are someone - like I was - who is sort of addicted to being in a relationship; i.e., if the new girl had never come along, would you have continued with the old relationship or did you know in your deepest gut that it was doomed to end at some point? Because that may be the crux of where you will go next in your life. I agree with others that you probably moved too quickly into the new relationship and that it may not last as well. It might be time to be on your own instead of wistfully lamenting the loss of an old relationship that wasn't that good anyway, but was just comfortable. Thank you for this reply...really made me think and gave me some perspective. I don't believe that I am addicted to being in a relationship - I was single for 3 years before I met my ex. I do, however, think I am used to being with someone. After all, we were together for 3 years. I don't think I'm addicted, though. It's hard to explain. I'm a person who takes change hard. I think this is a possible cause of my issues...I think I might just miss the comfortableness of the relationship and the stability. Uncertainty kills me...so not knowing what's to come of this new relationship falls into that. I agree with those saying I need to figure things out on my own...but I feel that I may miss my shot with this new girl - I don't want to blow anything. I do really like her and she really has given me no reason to doubt anything, just that she wants to take it slow. I feel as if I tell her I want to take some time to myself that I'll never get another chance and that she'll find someone else. I know that's a very unrealistic and panicky way to look at things...but that's what's happening in my head.
jebrooks1988 Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 Thank you for this reply...really made me think and gave me some perspective. I don't believe that I am addicted to being in a relationship - I was single for 3 years before I met my ex. I do, however, think I am used to being with someone. After all, we were together for 3 years. I don't think I'm addicted, though. It's hard to explain. I'm a person who takes change hard. I think this is a possible cause of my issues...I think I might just miss the comfortableness of the relationship and the stability. Uncertainty kills me...so not knowing what's to come of this new relationship falls into that. I agree with those saying I need to figure things out on my own...but I feel that I may miss my shot with this new girl - I don't want to blow anything. I do really like her and she really has given me no reason to doubt anything, just that she wants to take it slow. I feel as if I tell her I want to take some time to myself that I'll never get another chance and that she'll find someone else. I know that's a very unrealistic and panicky way to look at things...but that's what's happening in my head. I understand that you don't to lose her so I think the best thing to do is just tell her everything you've said to us. Tell her that her being hot and cold is making you feel uneasy and is making you miss the stability of your previous relationship. Reiterate that you don't miss your ex per se but certain aspects of your previous relationship and would like to have it with her (stability) and that's why you're communicating this to her now. Then I think you should tell her that you agree with her about taking things slow so that you don't mess up what you have now. No need to rush and focus on labels and being exclusive like she has said. Have fun with it for right now because you do like her but it seems like you need more time. Right now, like today right now lol, I'm seeing this new guy and I broke up with my ex of 6 years. I'm 95% sure I would never take him back but I still love him and care for him and there are certain things I miss about our relationship. I miss the comfort of it. Dating sucks. Having to learn the ins and out of a new partner sucks. Trying to figure what it is or isn't sucks. But with an ex you know that they love/loved you. When a new person does something that triggers a fear it makes you think you miss an ex. I haven't read your previous posts so I could be wrong but it seems like you miss the comfort of your relationship not her. I don't know if you've read danman's post but what this girl said to him sounds like what you're going through. You haven't mentally moved on yet. Emotionally yes, but not mentally. Over her but not the relationship. I hope this makes sense. Super random, but are you a Taurus? lol
Buddhist Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 Your situation is pretty common when we don't appreciate what we have and jump ship for someone else. I know you said you didn't jump ship for her, but the simple truth is, you did. You went there hoping that a relationship with her was going to be better than the one you had. Turns out, maybe not. Cognitive dissonance now settling in. Six weeks is just like taking a holiday from your partner and expecting to return to the exact same level of care, attention, connection as you had before. Except you didn't return to your partner you are starting from ground zero with someone completely different and my guess is you never grieved for your previous partner because you just transfer everything (including your expectations) onto this new girl. Will this ever become as good as or better than your last relationship? Who knows. I did this to a relationship in my past and was never again able to find the same level of comfort and connection with all the others I've dated since. Just does to show sometimes when you risk it, it doesn't pay off.
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