My ex-GF says I raped her

May 20, 2016

I dated a girl from grade 7-12. We broke up like 6 years ago. During the relationship we had sex pretty much daily. I'll admit, I was a bit pushy. I was a horny teenager. I didn't always ask if she wanted to just started pulling her pants down. She NEVER tried to stop me. Sometimes she would say no but I'd ask again and she'd say yes. She never, ever tried to push me away or move away.

AFTER we broke up AND she had a new boyfriend she told me that I raped her all the time. She never went to the police and never spread that around. But she said it to me a few times before we went NC. Haven't talked since. She also told the girl I was dating that I raped her. Recently I got a FB message from her fiancé basically calling me a POS rapist. So that is at least 2 boyfriends that she told that to.

All I can think is

A) In her mind I did "rape" her.

B) She just said it to make me feel like s*&t.

C) She told her BF's that so it looks like she has less sex partners or for attention

WTF do I do? I feel like this is going to make it's way back and bite me in the ass. It already got back to one GF, I don't want it to keep going.

May 20, 2016

I dated a girl from grade 7-12. We broke up like 6 years ago. During the relationship we had sex pretty much daily. I'll admit, I was a bit pushy. I was a horny teenager. I didn't always ask if she wanted to just started pulling her pants down. She NEVER tried to stop me. *Sometimes she would say no but I'd ask again and she'd say yes. She never, ever tried to push me away or move away.

AFTER we broke up AND she had a new boyfriend she told me that I raped her all the time. She never went to the police and never spread that around. But she said it to me a few times before we went NC. Haven't talked since. She also told the girl I was dating that I raped her. Recently I got a FB message from her fiancé basically calling me a POS rapist. So that is at least 2 boyfriends that she told that to.

All I can think is
A) In her mind I did "rape" her.
B) She just said it to make me feel like s*&t.
C) She told her BF's that so it looks like she has less sex partners or for attention

WTF do I do? I feel like this is going to make it's way back and bite me in the ass. It already got back to one GF, I don't want it to keep going.

*I don't know what the law is in your place of residence, but in many countries/states, when consent has been refused verbally, any coercion leading to sex is rape.

Edited May 20, 2016 by Satu

May 20, 2016

*I don't know what the law is in your place of residence, but in many countries/states, when consent has been refused verbally, any coercion leading to sex is rape.

Repeated for truth.

If she said "no" once and you prodded, begged, cajoled, or pleaded, that could be considered coercion which culminates in a rape.

May 20, 2016

We had sex every day for like 4 years and not once in those 1,400 times did she actually try and stop it though. Not once. When she said no it was never a firm "NO".

I don't know what the law is seeing as she never reported it. Regardless, sometimes what the law says doesn't always line up with reality.

I don't want to come off as an a-hole here. I never did anything to intentionally hurt her. I was with her for 5 years, loved her and she's the one that ended it.

May 20, 2016

When she said no it was never a firm "NO".

"No" doesn't come in varying degrees.

I don't know what the law is

Maybe it is time to seek some legal representation, just in case.

Regardless, sometimes what the law says doesn't always line up with reality.

Very true - hence the suggestion for legal representation. You might have a case against her for slander. Who knows?

I don't want to come off as an a-hole here. I never did anything to intentionally hurt her. I was with her for 5 years, loved her and she's the one that ended it.

All that is irrelevant. You are now in a position of "he said/she said" and if she is going to continue repeating the allegation, you should - again - probably contact a lawyer to find out your options.

May 20, 2016

We had sex every day for like 4 years and not once in those 1,400 times did she actually try and stop it though. Not once. *When she said no it was never a firm "NO".

I don't know what the law is seeing as she never reported it. Regardless, sometimes what the law says doesn't always line up with reality.

I don't want to come off as an a-hole here. I never did anything to intentionally hurt her. I was with her for 5 years, loved her and she's the one that ended it.

The law doesn't care about *perception.

The law deals with time, place, form and event:

What was said, what was done.

May 20, 2016

I don't think she has any intention of pressing charges or spreading it around. To the best of my knowledge she told her BF (at the time) and my GF (at the time) 6 years ago. Never heard anything of it again. Then recently heard from the new guy she is with, and engaged to. She lives across the country and has me blocked on everything.

I feel like I need to talk to her and get to the bottom of it. But you are right maybe I should contact a lawyer and see what I can do about her saying this.

According the countries criminal code if a person feels intimidated or coerced into the act or afraid to say no then there is no consent given. And their is no statue of limitations on sexual based crimes.

Edited May 20, 2016 by chev

May 20, 2016

May I suggest conferring with an attorney.

Print out any conversations that were posted or relayed directly on this allegation. Have ready any voice logs.

When someone is bearing false material and it impacts on a social or economical level, the courts will serve to resolve it.

I'm sorry to read that this gal is making such a claim if it's not true. I recall in h's, guys making claims that were untrue.. And reputations were presumed..

My father got wind of it and three "jocks" were reprimanded for making claims that were false. The principal had them apologize, but that did little good.. Ppl tend to have that seed of doubt about a person even if it's been cleared..

May 20, 2016

I would talk to a lawyer. I'd imagine because you were in a relationship for such a long time with her, it would be a difficult thing to prove either way.

BUT most importantly, what she is going through is reflection. Sometimes we go back over old relationships in our mind and analyse what went wrong.

If she didn't want sex she should have been more firm not just when you were pushy but also afterwards and should have broken up with you over this. Most of us women experience pushy men when we are younger, this is how we learn to be more assertive as we mature.

I don't know what else went down in your relationship but clearly she must feel she was exploited. If she blocked you on all media, she isn't ready to talk about it.

May 20, 2016

I think if you considered yourself to be in a relationship with her, then you might've taken her no as nothing serious, and she most likely came across that way. Not to say that rape can't happen when you're in a relationship. I'm just saying that you may have interpreted her no in a way that you shouldn't have. This sounds like a very fine line where you did coerce her but you were waiting for more commitment on her part to demonstrate she really meant no. Perhaps you thought she just needed to be convinced. What was a no in her mind was an invitation to convince her in your mind.

I'd say that you were both at fault in this case, but also too young and dumb to have known how to navigate these grey areas. She's probably mad at herself for not getting her point across better but she also could've talked to you about it at any point in time before and after you broke up. She's being very vindictive to be spreading these kinds of rumors because what she's saying about you is very damaging. If she really wanted to resolve it, she would've had a conversation with you about it and would've let you know how your actions made her feel.

As far as what to do, perhaps you can write a brief letter to this girl, let her know that you weren't aware that she felt so hurt while the two of you were together, that you regret anything you might've done to make her feel the way she does. Do not admit to anything, just let her know basically you're sorry that she has this perception of you. After that, just drop it. There's nothing you can do to stop her from talking and you're going reach a point where you'll need to stop defending yourself on this issue. If others bring it up, just smile and say yeah I heard that she's going around saying that. And then drop it. If you're dating someone and it comes up, then you're going to need to explain the situation to them.

Edited May 20, 2016 by bathtub-row

May 20, 2016

chev,

I am a bit puzzled by your post.

You say that you dated from grades 7 - 12.

Now I understand that to mean from when you both were aged 12/13 - 17/18?

At what age were you having sex and at what age is the age of consent (girls) in your state?

May 20, 2016

If she was underage then consent is irrelevant. Any sex with a minor is statutory rape. However since you were also a minor at the time, it complicates matters. Traditionally the legal system has turned a blind eye to statutory rape between 2 minors because technically you're both victims, and it's very difficult to prove, especially when consenting.

However, she seems to be spreading this around a lot, but not actually taking any action about it (ie. talking to the police)? Am I right? If so then I would simply block her and her BF. If you ever get messages from anyone else about this, block them too. Don't reply or respond in any way.

If she does take legal action then you'll get a call from the police and should see an attorney. But until / unless that happens I would simply block, ignore and remove her from your life entirely.

As far as what to do, perhaps you can write a brief letter to this girl

NO, I am pretty sure any attorney would advise him to NOT contact her ever again, especially in letter form that could be brought up in court at a later date.

Edited May 20, 2016 by PegNosePete

May 20, 2016

I'd be tempted to get legal advice in advance any way. She's clearly telling a lot of people and the last thing you want is that following you around. That said, as others have mentioned, no is no. Now of course none of us were there and you were both young, but in a court of law, that could be taken either way. I know over here in the UK there's constant court cases and men being named and shamed publicly at the moment they're charged, way before they're found guilty or even gone to court. Only afterwards are they found innocent and the case thrown out, but by then, their name's mud to the whole world.

May 20, 2016

Yeah, get an attorney advice in any case. While I doubt she will lay a charge but you never know the intentions !

DONT write anything to her ! Nothing.Nada. Dont even talk to her ( she might record ).Reason being you dont know her intentions.

May 20, 2016

Not sure the exact details, but I think most normal people have had sex without asking for permission, or been in situations - both ways - where we or a partner didn't want, or feel like having sex but did it anyway.

All I can think is
A) In her mind I did "rape" her.
B) She just said it to make me feel like s*&t.
C) She told her BF's that so it looks like she has less sex partners or for attention

Who knows?

If I had to guess, she probably was exposed to a great deal of feminism during college/university after you broke up and started getting funny ideas. Would be interesting to hear her side.

For the now: just ignore her. Do not communicate with her in any way, shape, or form. Keep any messages that are being sent to you. Go and get legal advice.

Recently I got a FB message from her fiancé basically calling me a POS rapist. So that is at least 2 boyfriends that she told that to.

Ignore the white knights. They might be getting a little surprise one of these days too.

May 20, 2016

I had sex at 16 with my then 15 year old girlfriend.

Not even close to anything wrong except for two horny teenagers fooling around.

When she moved in with me years later, I'd come behind her while she was cooking or washing dishes and start to fool around.

She'd say "stop it" while laughing and eating up the attention. But I just kept kissing and touching until she stopped cooking, turned off the stove, and banged my brains out.

Guess I raped her :/

May 20, 2016

I dated a girl from grade 7-12. We broke up like 6 years ago. During the relationship we had sex pretty much daily.

How old were you when she was in Grade 7 and 12-13 years of age?

May 20, 2016

SoThatHappened post #16

Making jokes about rape isn't funny.

Rape isn't funny.

You're not funny.

May 20, 2016

SoThatHappened post #16

Making jokes about rape isn't funny.

Rape isn't funny.

You're not funny.

To be fair, I don't think he was making a joke - but rather pointing out the obvious farcical nature of this topic.

I really don't think very much about rape. But, according to the stuff that I've read on here, I've apparently been 'raped' multiple times by women.

All of us have apparently been coloured 'rapists' by these broad strokes.

But then maybe that's the point...

May 20, 2016

I would be more concerned with the potental stat rape implications than the he said/ she said. That would be much easier to prove. How old are you in relation to her?

Do NOT talk to her again. It will be adding fuel to the fire and if she is spreading this around (while not pressing charges) I think it's safe to assume she's not the most emotionally stable.

Did you, in fact, rape her? Who knows, we werrnt there. Its a fine line in situations like this and obviously somethibg about the situation mafe her feel expoloited. But in a long-term relationship I think most people will have examples where one person initially says "no", then after some convincing says "yes", or more likely doesnt say anything and goes with it. In most of my experiences, no way were these instances rape. However, being young and inexperienced, maybe she wasnt able to communicate clearly enough, and the situation was different for her. In that case, I have a hard time understanding why she would proceed to date you for 6 more years afterward.

Dont talk to her again. Discuss with a lawyer, especially if there was ever a period during your relationship where she was a minor and you an adult under the law.

May 20, 2016

To be fair, I don't think he was making a joke - but rather pointing out the obvious farcical nature of this topic.

Thank you. Finally some common sense on an observation.

Yes, I was pointing out the absolute broad stroke of the "obvious farcical nature" of this thread.

Rape is no joke. But according to the majority of the posts on this thread, just about everyone who has had sex has been raped.

I've told a girl "no" before. She was in the mood so kept fooling with me... and that led to us having sex because she turned me on. Did she rape me? Not even close!

Get a grip, people.

May 20, 2016

I don't want to diminish date rape in any way shape or form, but while I get the technicalities of no means no, this clearly doesn't seem like a case where rape fits the situation.

I mean she kept going out with you day after day for all of those years. I guess you could argue it's Stockholm syndrome or something, but really it sounds like by her own free will she was going out of her way to have sex with you everyday. She may been playing coy or something, but I don't think you can rape someone thousands of times, and not realize that it isn't consensual. I'd agree about getting legal counsel, you might want to get this cut out, because it's defamation of character if you didn't do it, and she's spreading word that you have. It could affect your relationships and employment for the rest of your life.

May 20, 2016

^ It would only affect that if it's a matter of his permanent (and public) criminal record. Employers can't (and wouldn't) base hiring decisions on hearsay etc., even if they were able to collect that sort of info.

OP, what country do you live in?

May 20, 2016

If she contacted your current girlfriend, to tell her that story, you do have a legal case against her.

She is stalking you, and spreading false rumors of slander to people that you have a relationship with, and that she does not. That is considered stalking.

If she has posted facebook, twitter, etc alleging that you raped her, then it is also slander. If she sends you texts with that, she is also stalking you.

May 20, 2016

Let me add:

Obviously you need to consult a lawyer, for a difamation sue. Its even possible you won't be able to do much against her, much less get an economical compensartion (any judge can rule in her favour on a free speech basis).

The key is that she is stalking you, because she went on to search for the woman you are currently involved in a relationship with, to spread those rumors.

You should also know that, even if you persue legal action, the whole inscident will be exposed and you will have to explain what happened.

If you have old e-mails, conversations, text messges, etc that prooves that while in the relationship she had consensual sex with you it would help in case she files a countyersuit (so just in case).

Quick question: why did the relationship ended? If you are the one who broke her heart, and in fact you have some e-mail or letter of her begging to take her back, that would be 100% proof that she is stalking you out of revenge (and would make a legal case for her as a stalker completly viable).

Finally, be wary of the straissand effect. By suing her, a lot more people will hear her accusations (despite them not being true).

Personally, if things were the way you described them, you are an innocent man.

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