Jsyboy123 Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 So I have known this girl for around 8 years of my life and have grown up with her around pretty much all the time (I am now 25, she is 22). During this time we have both had relationships, some good, some bad however we are both now single and we have recently both mutually agreed we are completely smitten with one another and the old saying that they were in front of you the whole time springs to mind! She had a very rough last relationship where she did suffer from both mental and physical abuse which luckily ended around a year ago. She does have a child with this excuse of a guy, whom we all can not stand for what he put her through. I realize he will be in her life forever due to the child they have together. The fact she has already got a kid does not put me off one bit. The main issue is she is my sisters 'best friend' and has been for a long time, since they were 14 years old. Now around a year ago me and my sisters best friend were extremely close and both realized we had some pretty serious feelings for one another. We tried to make it happen then, however my sister made it extremely difficult and was completely against the idea of us getting together! My parents are also not too keen on the idea as they say the baggage the ex would bring into relationship isn't healthy plus due to his abusive streak they are worried it could put the rest of the family in danger. Because of this I decided to put a complete hold on the idea and I pretty much did anything to not see or speak to her as I didn't want my feelings to once again get in the way. However over the last month or so, we have ended up getting back in touch due to my sister becoming closer and our feelings have once again sprung back into action and we are completely stuck in a situation. I don't know what to do because I am scared of the reprocussions for my sister's relationship with both her and myself if I was to persue and also because my parents don't aprrove, i feel it could destroy the great relationship I have with them! The thing is, i am completely in love with this girl and I can 100% see a future with her, she feels exactly the same as we have discussed in detail. Any advice would be much appreciated, I feel like I am in a rock and a hard place at the moment!
Kaleard Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 I'm a believer that if you are that in love with someone and they with you then there are very few obstacles that are worth not trying to make it work. It sucks that this could damage the relationship with your sister and parents but your love life is YOUR love life, especially at your age, and they are going to have to live with you making the choices that make you happy. But that said, you better make 100% sure that you are in love with this girl. That it isn't just lust. That you aren't just in love with the IDEA of this girl. That you aren't just attracted to the sense that she is forbidden to you. Because you are making a big sacrifice being with her. Your family relationships could be damaged temporarily or even permanently. You better make sure you love her kid too and that the thought of being a father figure makes you happy because you aren't just marrying a girl, you are becoming a stepfather. And you better make sure she has overcome the emotional issues that led her to her abusive husband in the first place. There are so many variables and baggage coming with her so you really have a lot of considering to do before making this decision. 2
Author Jsyboy123 Posted May 21, 2016 Author Posted May 21, 2016 Thank you for your advice, it is very much appreciated. I realize the sacrifices are large and the responsibilities I am taking on are fairly huge with her having a child. It is very clear to everyone around us, mainly close friends and sisters bf that there is a massive connection between us and it has been pointed out quite a lot recently. Unfortunately all this has done has caused my sister to be on high alert anytime I am speaking to this girl one on one especially because she knows what happened last time. It just constantly feels like I am being watched. At the moment I feel like a puppet and I'm being told what I can and can not do, if I was 15 I could understand but i'm 25, more than old enough to make adult decisions taking into account all the pro's and con's of the situation. The thought of me not giving it a go and just never knowing is not something I want to go through again with her like last year. I know what I want but feel like i'm being squeezed out of it
Porter56 Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 Did you ever think about actually talking to your sister and the rest of your family about why they don't think this is a good idea? I mean this girl sounds like she might have a lot of issues and baggage coming with her. Your sister might know even more about her than you do and she might see the problems that are going to come with her being in your life romantically. Take off the blinders and start listening to the other people in your life because they might actually be making some sense. 1
preraph Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 What you need to do if you haven't already is move OUT of your parents' house and stop taking orders from your parents and siblings. Your parents do have a point about this lady's ex keeping your life in turmoil, however, since they have a child together and he will always be the child's father. So even though you don't mind having a child, you should think deeply about her seeing this ex over and over again until that child is 18 and having to be nice to him and having him know where you live and possibly being retaliatory. But you can't let your mother and sister tell you what to do here. But you need to man up and do your own thinking. And you need to be able to see that there will be a lot of conflict in this partnership because the father of her kid is violent. Unless his visitation has been terminated because of the violence, then you will always have to stand by while she deals with him. And remember she once loved this guy and may be weak for him too. Even if they did terminate his visitation, he can complete some courses and get his visitation back. And you need to ask yourself why if this guy was violent, he is not locked up. My guess is because SHE didn't want to press charges. So you need to find out all you can about why he has visitation and why he's not locked up or done time already if he hasn't . Find out just how much she is protecting him. 2
Emilia Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 I think it would be very unwise of you to get involved with a girl who has such a troubled history. I don't think you have the life experience to handle someone with such deep emotional issues - and a kid. I realise you are calling me names in your head for saying this but don't fritter your youth away. These are your best years as a man, make the most of them and build something. Don't waste it on someone who has a lot of growing up to do. 1
Author Jsyboy123 Posted May 25, 2016 Author Posted May 25, 2016 Everyone's input is really appreciated. My Mum and Dad are just trying to look out for my best interest as yes the girl in question has got a lot of baggage from her previous relationship. I come from a very stable background so can fully appreciate this isn't a clean cut situation. My feelings for her are very strong and the more I think about now knowing the harder it seems to become. I do still live my parents so I know at the moment it is their house, their rules which makes it difficult. I also work with my Dad in the family business so that just adds another complication to the already messy situation. Thanks again for everyone's input, definitely need to evaluate the situation with a rational head on and just weigh up whether it really is worth the risk of losing what I have now! 1
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