Inconsolable over my breakup

[jm90]

Hi, thanks for even taking the time to listen to me. I'm here writing this because although I do have good friends and family, I struggle to show my true emotions to them, that's just the way I am. So I'm writing this here in the hope that you as a stranger who understands what I'm going through can give me some advice and kind words to help me through this torture.

 

Two years ago during a shift at work I was introduced to a new guy who had just started. He had the most amazing smile and I instantly felt so attracted to him. I just want to state that I am gay if that's an issue for some people. Anyway, a few shifts later I added this guy on facebook and we began to chat. We spoke all night long and agreed to meet up the next day for a coffee. The next day I met up with him and we just clicked! He was amazing! He is asian and was in the UK studying. I was also a student at the time. I had one previous serious relationship that didn't last long and ended on good mutual terms. So after the coffee he suggested we go see a movie, we did and during the movie, he rested his head on my shoulders. From there on we fell in love with each other.

 

We quickly entered into a relationship, if I remember about a couple of months later. Things were great! As it is in the beginning, we had so much fun. Then about 4 months later due to another situation outwith my control, I had to move out of my flat and he suggested I move in with him and his flatmates. At the time I thought it was a good idea but something I now regret.

 

So I moved in with him and we shared a room, shared a bed. Things were still great and I felt like I was in a serious relationship with someone who loved me as much as I loved him...

 

Then things started to change... for him anyway. My ex is one of many gay guys who are obsessed with the whole 'muscle culture' that exists in the gay community. He began to ask me to work out more. I was by no means unfit but didn't have big bulging muscles. At the time, I saw it purely as him just wanting me to be healthy... but after a few months, the sex became less regular. I felt like he was becoming less attracted to me so I tried my best to get fit. However, easier said than done. He became less interested in me, shows less affection and love but was still there for me. We still came home everyday and ate dinner, watched movies, had a laugh and at night in bed we would still always cuddle and give each other little kisses but that was it.

 

Then about a year into our relationship, I started to gain weight. I was stuck in a dilemma that was torture. I loved the absolute bones off this guy, like I truly believed he was the one for me but at the same time he never showed me the same love back but he still wanted to be with me.

 

After that we both ended up leaving our flat and moving all the way home to my home city. We found another flat. It was beautiful. Perfect little home. And again, for a while we were happy again, new place, new scene. But after a while, it got worse again.

 

I was having money problems were I was struggling to pay my side of the rent, bills and he wasn't happy about that. I wasn't lazy or anything. I was just a student who didn't get much support from my parents as much as he did from his. I also became less inclined to get fit as I was stuck in a vicious cycle... He never found me attractive, I eventually agreed that I was unattractive and that resulted in low self esteem, low confidence and depression and I just didn't have the willpower to get fit.

 

So now we arrive to a few days ago on Monday. We had an argument and he said that he didn't want to be with me any more and broke up with me. I was inconsolable and broke down. I had become so so attached to him, relied on him and wanted him to love me the same way. We spoke for a while and he told me he just didn't find me attractive any more, didn't like my financial situation and also that he just wanted to focus on his studies.

 

I knew I had to accept it but I just felt so so numb and helpless. What made things so so much worse is the fact that he seemed to show little emotion at all. It was like he was over me in a second and didn't care about how much I was hurting, crying in front of him.

 

I know I'm probably making him out to be a monster and some of my friends have said he is but I was with him for two years and I just couldn't accept that he could behave this way to me. Like he could just drop me like that and stop caring instantly.

 

Anyway, the very very difficult part happened next. We are now in the situation where our flat contract ends in 2 months and due to low income we have to stay living together for 2 months after our breakup.

 

It's torture for me and I've tried to do my best to stop crying and not show him I'm bothered as he has carried on with most of his days. He just doesn't seem bothered at all about our breakup or the fact that I cry myself to sleep at night in a separate room. I just can't compute how he can be so heartless towards me. Did he even love me at all?

 

I'm writing this post tonight as again I am inconsolable. Tonight I oversaw him using a gay hookup app on his phone. I downloaded it and sure enough he was on it! I sat in my room for an hour and then heard him go out. I looked out the window and seen him get into a car with a guy I had never seen before... I knew what he was going to do. I just stood there completely numb in pain and heartache as the car drove away...

 

He didn't get back to late at night and he just went straight to bed without talking to me. I am very sure he had sex with someone.

 

So that's it, that's where I'm at. Sometimes I feel like I hate him and I never deserved to be treated like this at all and other times I just miss him and want him to just cuddle me and tell me everything will be okay. And obviously it makes it 100 times worse that I am still living with him watching him go on with his life like nothing has even happened.

 

So what can I do? I feel like I'm stuck in a prison with no escape. I miss him terribly eventhough he is so close. I genuinely thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy. Never loved someone so much in my life... and it just hurts, hurts so much that he doesn't love me back.

 

So what to do? Do you have an answer? tips? advice? Something to make this pain and heartache go away. What should I do next? I'm just so tired, so confused, so hurt and broken.

[fixing]

That's a horrendous heartache of a story man. Sorry to hear that. And I know that heart wrenching, breathe choking emotional turmoil you feel right now.

 

But, the guy sounds like he wasn't in it for the long haul. He sounds like a total narcissistic prick. Almost robotic in his emotions and mental state.

 

You need to vacate that property immediately. If you want to get well, you got to leave now, and never EVER look back.

 

He treated you with zero respect. He did not appreciate you or your love. So, **** HIM.

 

You got to be strong man and love yourself. Know that you are a good guy, and ultimately, its his loss..

 

GET OUT NOW. Go home to your parents. Do anything. Just leave and never contact him again.

[Zahara]

Like he could just drop me like that and stop caring instantly.

 

You do know that it was a gradual shift in terms of his feelings for you. It didn't just happen overnight.

 

I'm sorry that he's treating you so unkindly. Unfortunately, it seems like this was based on very shallow foundation seeing how he was more concerned about grooming you into an image of his liking rather than having any emotional depth in the relationship/you.

 

You need to get out of the apartment. Do you have friends you can bunk with for the time being? Can you go home to your parents? Can you ask them for help?

[jm90]

That's a horrendous heartache of a story man. Sorry to hear that. And I know that heart wrenching, breathe choking emotional turmoil you feel right now.

 

But, the guy sounds like he wasn't in it for the long haul. He sounds like a total narcissistic prick. Almost robotic in his emotions and mental state.

 

You need to vacate that property immediately. If you want to get well, you got to leave now, and never EVER look back.

 

He treated you with zero respect. He did not appreciate you or your love. So, **** HIM.

 

You got to be strong man and love yourself. Know that you are a good guy, and ultimately, its his loss..

 

GET OUT NOW. Go home to your parents. Do anything. Just leave and never contact him again.

 

Thanks for your reply. There's times during this heartache when I have a realisation and agree with what you said. He is quite selfish and robotic certainly how I'd describe his emotions. Like he just doesn't show anything at all.

 

I loved the guy a lot, I showed it every single day and I never got anything back. It's the worse feeling I've ever felt.

 

As for getting strong. I know I will and I hope that what I'm going through now will end with me learning a lesson and never allowing anyone to treat me this way again.

 

I could move back with my parents but they live quite far away from my college and I feel like that would be taking a step back. I want to be independent and even just moving back for a little while might actually make me feel worse than I do.

 

I am in talks with one of my good friends however and she is talking about moving out of her parents home in the next month and asked me to live with her. I get on really well with her so I think I should take the offer and leave. I know I need to leave to even begin to feel better.

 

Thanks again for your kind words and for replying.

[jm90]

You do know that it was a gradual shift in terms of his feelings for you. It didn't just happen overnight.

 

I'm sorry that he's treating you so unkindly. Unfortunately, it seems like this was based on very shallow foundation seeing how he was more concerned about grooming you into an image of his liking rather than having any emotional depth in the relationship/you.

 

You need to get out of the apartment. Do you have friends you can bunk with for the time being? Can you go home to your parents? Can you ask them for help?

 

Yeah I know it didn't just happen overnight. I just think well why didn't he end it sooner? Why did he come all the way to my home city and move in with me again if he never loved me? I know these are now irrelevant questions and I'm just tormenting myself.

 

My family and friends have been very supportive but I'm not in the position to move out just yet. Everything is happening so fast and my parents have offered to lend me some money to move into a new flat with one of my best friends, so it looks like I won't have to suffer being around him much longer.

 

Thanks again for your kind words X

[fixing]

Thanks for your reply. There's times during this heartache when I have a realisation and agree with what you said. He is quite selfish and robotic certainly how I'd describe his emotions. Like he just doesn't show anything at all.

 

I loved the guy a lot, I showed it every single day and I never got anything back. It's the worse feeling I've ever felt.

 

As for getting strong. I know I will and I hope that what I'm going through now will end with me learning a lesson and never allowing anyone to treat me this way again.

 

I could move back with my parents but they live quite far away from my college and I feel like that would be taking a step back. I want to be independent and even just moving back for a little while might actually make me feel worse than I do.

 

I am in talks with one of my good friends however and she is talking about moving out of her parents home in the next month and asked me to live with her. I get on really well with her so I think I should take the offer and leave. I know I need to leave to even begin to feel better.

 

Thanks again for your kind words and for replying.

 

Yea, I get ya man. I didnt realise your parents live so far away. And you are right, jeopardizing college over this person would for sure be a step back.

 

Hmm, well, If at all possible, try to stay at a friends house now until your female friend moves in with you in a month.

 

If it is literally not possible for you to leave now until the friend comes in a month, then seriously, you need to work out a way to be totally away from him whilst living under the same roof.

 

Trying to get over someone you love whilst they actively date other people in front of you will be torturous and impossible for you to get better mentally.

 

Meanwhile, try your damned hardest to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are a great person. And, that you deserve so much better. Say it till you believe it!

[Satu]

snip

Yeah I know it didn't just happen overnight. I just think well why didn't he end it sooner? *Why did he come all the way to my home city and move in with me again if he never loved me? I know these are now irrelevant questions and I'm just tormenting myself.

 

*He did love you, insomuch as he was able, for as long as he was able.

 

People love in confused ways. Often with ambivalence, often with little understanding of what love is, and how you do it.

 

You are much clearer about what love is than he is.

 

You are more able to do it.

 

That is to your credit.

 

As for him: He has a lot to learn.

 

Maybe he'll get there. Maybe he won't.

 

 

Take care.

[Zahara]

I just think well why didn't he end it sooner? Why did he come all the way to my home city and move in with me again if he never loved me? I know these are now irrelevant questions and I'm just tormenting myself.

 

Maybe he thought things would change. Maybe in his mind he was trying to give it another chance. No one will ever know. What you do know is that he isn't giving you what you deserve anymore and it's time to leave.

 

I'm glad to hear that your family is coming to your aid and that you won't have to spend anymore time there.

 

Remember that his treatment of you isn't a reflection of your worth and value. Don't let this tear at your self-esteem because it has nothing to do with you. I hope you get out of there soon and start to rebuild and move on. Use this as valuable lesson for the future. You're going to work through this and be just fine.

 

Good luck. Stay strong.