Honoré9 Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 But this isn't your standard situation. She has a 5 year old child that was placed for adoption. The child was placed for adoption because at the time my GF was 17 and in no place to raise a child. The child was a result of rape. My GF has an open adoption with the adoptive parents and sees the child regularly. She spends a full day with her 1-2x a month and goes to events as they come up (sports/music/concerts that type of thing). She is invited to the adoptive parents house for holidays. She knows my GF is her birth mom. We have been dating for a year and she wants me to meet the her. The situation just feels so unnatural. It is her kid, but at the same time, it's not. I'll see the kid sometimes but not all the time. I don't know what kind of relationship I'm supposed to have with her because A) I'm not her dad, B) She won't ever live with me or be a step-child and C) She's someone else's child, essentially. My GF tells me to just be myself and natural.
GorillaTheater Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 Well, you're right; it is a pretty unusual situation to be placed in. But assuming the adoptive parents are cool with you coming over, I'd say your gf is right: just be yourself. Be friendly with the kid and don't try to define your relationship with her, at least for a while. It seems to me that your gf wants you to meet her bio-daughter because it's important to her. Therefore it should be important to you. 4
Author Honoré9 Posted May 19, 2016 Author Posted May 19, 2016 How long have you two been dating? 13 months.
Standard-Fare Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 If you aren't comfortable with this (which it sounds like), you should be upfront with your GF about that. Make it clear that you recognize how important this is to her, but explain that you need a bit more time before you take that step. I will say that this is going to become sort of a litmus test for how "serious" you are with this woman. A hesitancy to meet the child will read as a hesitancy to commit to her fully... which brings up other issues, like, is marriage in the picture? So it's complicated.
NTV Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 Dude, this kinda situation is the stuff that makes life life. There are plenty of normal things every one goes through. It's the facing the not normal ones than make your life interesting. Life is weird and sticky and twisted and never goes in a straight path. But that's the good part about it. And everyone needs more good parts to remember later. Say you don't work out with your GF, meeting this kid and her adoptive parents will always be something you remember. By the words you used in your post, I can tell you don't want to meet her. But this isn't a circumstance like 'try there drugs, you'll like it!' This is one of the decision points you'll look back later in life and either say 'I should have done it' or 'I never should have done that'. But I find it hard to imagine a place where you shouldn't have... eh, enough talking from a soapbox for me. Sometimes I like to talk big, lol. 3
Author Honoré9 Posted May 19, 2016 Author Posted May 19, 2016 I want to meet her for my GF, because she wants me to and because it would make her happy. The adoptive parents have invited me into their home. But if I take my GF out of the equation I don't really want to. (I know this is going to sound douchy) I can't help but have a part of my mind that sees her as a bad reminder that someone raped my GF. And that she has half the DNA of that sick ****. I know it's not her fault and that's now how I see her as a whole. She's just a little girl who loves basketball, dancing and unicorns. But it's there, in the back of my head. I knew of adoption before I met my GF but didn't think it would ever apply to me and didn't know the full scope of types of adoptions. It was more of a you give your baby up and that's that. You're right, if I don't do it my GF will probably start to question how serious I am about her or if it's all too much for me to handle.
Gaeta Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 Do you need to be related to a child to be a positive figure in his/her life? A child is a gift no matter where they are from. You need to expend your mind, stop thinking with your head and think with your heart. This afternoon I am meeting with a young woman I use to babysit 20 years ago. She was not my daughter, not blood related at all. I welcomed her 3 times a week into my home and babysat her. Fast forward 20 years, she made contact with me, I am now living across the continent. She told me when she was a child I had transmitted to her my love for my native language (French) so she became a French Teacher. This afternoon she is visiting Montreal with her students from her French class and I will meet her, and all of them. When life puts a child on your path, open your heart, period. 4
NTV Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 Of course you don't want to do it except for your GF. I don't sit around thinking 'I wanna go meet kids today'--that would be freaking weird. Just suck it up, do it, and hope that it goes well. And don't cuss. Too easy. 1
Standard-Fare Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 I think you'll get over the rape aspect pretty quickly if you spend time with the kid and see that she's just a normal little girl living her life. Since it sounds like you're planning to go forward with it, I'd just suggest that you and your GF don't make it like "This guy's going to be here every time." Maybe you meet the kid once then don't see her again for another two months. At this point there's no need for you to become a regular feature of her life. 1
Zapbasket Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 I want to meet her for my GF, because she wants me to and because it would make her happy. The adoptive parents have invited me into their home. But if I take my GF out of the equation I don't really want to. (I know this is going to sound douchy) I can't help but have a part of my mind that sees her as a bad reminder that someone raped my GF. And that she has half the DNA of that sick ****. I know it's not her fault and that's now how I see her as a whole. She's just a little girl who loves basketball, dancing and unicorns. But it's there, in the back of my head. I knew of adoption before I met my GF but didn't think it would ever apply to me and didn't know the full scope of types of adoptions. It was more of a you give your baby up and that's that. You're right, if I don't do it my GF will probably start to question how serious I am about her or if it's all too much for me to handle. All of your feelings are completely understandable. And, I think you should share every one of them with your girlfriend, in a supportive, loving, non-confrontational way. Ask her for her support in this. A couple of things: children ARE born into a context and as a result of a context, and when the contexts are difficult to stomach as in this case, it can be difficult to separate the child from the unsavory context in your mind. But this is an amazing opportunity to consciously exercise the best of your humanity. Remind yourself as many times as it takes that this is just a little girl, with little girl thoughts and feelings, who is building her own context, every day, in her young mind. She needs each encounter with a grownup to be positive, to boost her self-esteem and make her feel that the world is an okay place to be. You have a chance to be a part of her sunshine and even if you never play a key role in her life, in just ONE interaction you can make her day brighter, and help take her one of the billion steps she will take towards becoming the person she will be...which will be ever so much more than a rapist's daughter. Breathe, and practice kindness where this child is concerned. Also, realize that part of the deal with this girlfriend is that her rape will ALWAYS be a part of her. It will ALWAYS be a silent mover in your relationship, and the best way to cope with that fact is to embrace all the parts of your girlfriend's life and emotions that come from that experience, rather than pretend it's not there, because it IS and always will be. Perhaps this is precisely why your girlfriend is asking you to meet her daughter; she is trying to share this dark part of her, and all its silver linings (her little girl) with you, because she loves and trusts you. Take it as the deep compliment it is, and also try to feel gratitude as part of your process towards embracing this situation: so many people are in fake relationships, believing it to be the real thing and meanwhile never allowing the vulnerability into the relationship that creates true intimacy. You, on the other hand, have the real deal. It's hard; it's not always pretty; but at least you can say it's authentic. It's real livin', baby. Roll up your sleeves and dig in. You never know: something truly beautiful might result. Keep your heart and mind open. Cheers to you; this is tough stuff but I think you're doing great by posting on here your honest feelings and thoughts. 1
Author Honoré9 Posted May 19, 2016 Author Posted May 19, 2016 Well I hope it goes well. My GF keeps telling me that it will be fine. Je l'espère. 2
jellybean824 Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 This is an unusual situation, but it seems like an honor that she would want you in her kid's life. You may not have a defined "role" right now, but if the relationship continues, you may very well become an important person in her kid's life. Maybe ask your GF what part she wants you to play in the relationship. Be honest with her about your concerns, thoughts, feelings, etc It probably took her a while to establish this kind of relationship with her kid (as well as the family that adopted her), so it probably won't happen overnight for you. 1
Emilia Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 I can't add much more, especially after GreenCove's post, but I think it's wonderful that this small unit of human beings have managed to build something amazing out of a nasty and traumatic experience. I think witnessing it is the sort of thing that makes you grow, OP. Please keep us posted.
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