lANDREWS235 Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 (edited) My mate and I had a big fight and he claims I need to apologize. Not him. Basic premise. I have a lease/real estate deal that I've been dealing with. My name is only on the lease. The guy didn't give me my security deposit back. I am going to take him to small claims court. My husband has repeatedly said he thinks HE could call him and get him to give in and change his mind. I have told him several times that I would like to handle this. I got myself into it and I am very secure in getting myself out of it. I take pride in showing people that I am right when I am right -- especially in a legal matter like this! Well, he is Hispanic. And last night he was commenting that he felt a friend of my ex husbands would get a different opinion of him if they spoke because he is Hispanic and that they (hispanics and cubans) have a way of connecting unlike others. I said so, i should say that if I talked to someone who is white...and connected with them because I am WHITE it would make a difference? I said that was racist. He said its true mainly for Hispanics. Then he said that HE should call the guy on my lease because often guys deal better with guys and some guys won't deal with women. I snapped and said I can deal with it myself and I will show him in court! He said why do you think women make 35 percent less than men??? I said he was shoavenistic and rude. He said I need to get a grip and that he didn't say it was right but it is the world we live in and I should ask for his help. that he wants to TAKE CARE OF ME and I won't let him. The fight went on and he said men and women have different roles in marriage. He said why do you think men have more testosterone and women have boobs? He said we are meant to feed babies and he thinks that is tough and amazing. But it is God's design and role for women. I was so pissed. I told him he needs to apologize. He said I need to do so because I should divorce him if I think he is sexist etc. that he doesn't like living w the idea that I think that way of him. Am I too sensitive? He says I have a chip on my shoulder and he thinks I have a problem with men overall. And it confuses him since I SAY that I love him. Edited May 19, 2016 by lANDREWS235 1
NTV Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 He wants to handle it for several reasons, the racial understanding stuff and the marital roles stuff is just straw men fluff. Maybe you can do it. Maybe he could help. The point here is that you work together as a team to come up with a solution. How bout you let him try to talk to him with the understand that if the deal isn't good enough you'll both see him in small claims? Can you see someone you love struggling with some dickhole landlord and NOT want to help? Well, imagine hard strong that feeling is if you're married to them. This could be a great opportunity for you both to gain a lot of pride in your marriage. Teamwork is my recommendation. And a team of two has no leader. 2
dichotomy Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 (edited) Did you marry him - not knowing of his "machismo" or cultural views on men, women and marriage ? Yes he is wrong about the lease deposit.. If your name alone is on the contract it IS your job to resolve it - for sure. All the other discussions about men and women's roles - I hate to label whats right or wrong about this kind of stuff. Some women would agree with him about roles, many would not. Its more about a shared set of beliefs - which goes back to my first question.' And about the "cultural connection" well if I was in South America, or the Sudan, or China and ran into a fellow North American (even one of color) I suppose I might connect a bit better with her/him - but more about culture and country than skin color. But then again if they were from Texas and white - maybe not so much. Edited May 19, 2016 by dichotomy 2
BlueIris Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 My mate and I had a big fight and he claims I need to apologize. Not him. Basic premise. I have a lease/real estate deal that I've been dealing with. My name is only on the lease. The guy didn't give me my security deposit back. I am going to take him to small claims court. My husband has repeatedly said he thinks HE could call him and get him to give in and change his mind. I have told him several times that I would like to handle this. I got myself into it and I am very secure in getting myself out of it. I take pride in showing people that I am right when I am right -- especially in a legal matter like this! ... Am I too sensitive? He says I have a chip on my shoulder and he thinks I have a problem with men overall. And it confuses him since I SAY that I love him. This shouldn't have become anything but thanking him for his input and then handling it yourself. I wouldn't have debated his opinion. It's his opinion. But ultimately you handle it and decide how to do it. 2
Toodaloo Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 Guys like to look after their women just as women like to look after their guys. All your husband has done is try to help and yes he has fudged it up a bit with what he has said but what is clear is that he obviously wants to help you and support you in any way he can. You clearly wish to be strong and deal with it but have ended up saying things that are like a kick in the balls to him... Neither of you is being sexist or racist. The pair of you are just not communicating very well. It really needs to be worked on... How about you say to him "honey, I really appreciate and understand that you are trying to help me but I need to do this for myself, please can you just listen to me moan, but let me get on with it and deal with it?" 3
DreamP Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 I find what he said extremely sexist. So people of color often do connect with each other. It's about shared experiences and understanding. It's the same as being a woman. We connect with other women because we understand the trials of being a woman in a society that has many obstacles of us. That is not about racism. It's just social structures. I find that white folks often don't understand that because they are the majority. But it happens with white folks too. I have seen 2 southern folks connect in New York City because they were both fish out of water in the big city. You husband wanting to help you with natural. I would be more concerned if he didn't offer to help. But you also have the right to want to settle this issue yourself especially since it involved a personal sense of being right. However, I do find his remarks that women have a certain role comment very sexist. It felt like he wants to play the knight in shinning armor and he is having a hard time with you being the do-it-yourself kind of gal. And you probably do have a chip on your shoulder. Most women do because of all the sexism we face everyday of our lives. You guys just need to talk it out. It's not about one party being and apologizing. 3
Got it Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 Sorry but I think he is sexists and whatever good intentions are muddled up in them is lost by his asinine and extremely untrue observations about males and females. And I love the extremely sweeping come back of throwing out divorce if you tell him you think he made sexist comments. What a way to shut down the conversation. Sorry but he sounds like a pill to deal with. 5
preraph Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 Well, I certainly never had any guy try to step in and fight the small bill-paying type wars for me in my entire life. I have found them to be mostly hands off, though I have had a couple of dudes step in and "vet" a new boyfriend for me supposedly out of protectiveness behind my back. Grrrr. One of them told this new guy I was falling in love with that I was used to rich guys, which couldn't have been further from the truth. I think he was trying to run him off for his married friend who I didn't realize at the time was after me. Anyway, he should have taken "no" for an answer. BUT since he seems to enjoy this sort of thing, I'd bring the drama down a notch and tell him, Look, I'm already this far into this. I'll take care of it. But now that I know you like to help, I will let you know next time I could use a break from everyday BS. Then do that to make him feel good. There will come a time both of you will need each other to be capable, so you might remind him of that. 1
Satu Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 Please note: Everybody is better than everybody else. Men are better than women. Women are better than men. Hispanics are better than non-Hispanics. Non-Hispanics are better than Hispanics. Fixed. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 (edited) If we assume you are in the right on the security, and the landlord is just testing your resolve, then yes, its very possible a man could get you out of it without having to go to small claims court, etc...And in many cases its just about an intimidation factor...nothing more and nothing less... And yes, certain cultures can and do get along better when they deal with "their own",,,,,so to speak....I don't see much wrong there either... I dont think he really did or say anything wrong until the testosterone/boobs part...that was stupid... But if it was possible for him to resolve it completely with a simple phone call, but in your case, you want to make a point by handling it yourself by going to court,(with questionable outcome), then I really don't see what the big deal is??...I don't know if you ever have been to small claims court...You can blow a whole day there and its usually a complete clusterfck....That should be a reason enough to perhaps swallow pride and let him see what he could do with it...Whats the worse that could happen? You wind up taking him to court as you were originally planning.. Relationships are supposed to be about teamwork..But what do I know..?? TFY Edited May 20, 2016 by thefooloftheyear 1
basil67 Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 I see neither racism or sexism in the initial comments. People of the same race very often do relate better to each other. For example, I used to work for a Japanese company and I could never understand the Japanese way of working things out! And while I may not like it, it's true that some men listen better to other men. Acknowledging the way the world works isn't sexist. Saying that this is the way the world *should* work would be sexist. I think that accepting help and avoiding the small claims court would be better all around. I'm sure you help him with stuff - why not accept his help in return? That said, I find the final remarks about hormones etc sexist.
PegNosePete Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 He said I need to do so because I should divorce him if I think he is sexist etc. This part is pretty concerning to me. Divorce should never be mentioned as a threat or a way to end a disagreement! In a good, solid marriage, that word should never be used except in reference to other people!! As mentioned above, it's your name on the lease, therefore your responsibility to resolve this. If I were a landlord and my tenant's BF called me or wrote to me then I would say "your name isn't on the lase, it's nothing to do with you *CLICK*". And if you've ever seen Judge Judy you'll know that whenever the husband, wife, sister or monkey's uncle of the involved parties stands up to say something, if their name isn't on the lease and they're not witnesses or giving genuine evidence, the judge will tell them to sit down and shut up. 2
elaine567 Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 Of course he was being sexist, he obviously has ingrained views regarding women and they all just spilled out here in the heat of the moment. Google "machismo" When he was getting nowhere with you, he lobbed the divorce card into the mix in order to "win" the argument. "If you don't like it, you know where the door is" sort of thing - as Pete says that is a bit concerning, as under pressure the first thing that came to his mind was divorce???? He felt the need to threaten divorce???? Maybe you need to sort out between the two of you exactly where you see this marriage going, because if you see yourself as a budding property magnate and he sees you knee deep in children, washing his socks, cooking his meals and shopping for maternity bras then you are going to have a bit of a problem going forward.
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