Oops.. I did it again! And I hate it!!

[Dig81]

Hi.. So my story in a nutshell (actually its quite a long story) and a question I`ve been thinking an answer to for the past 24 hours: Why do I always beg and plead?

 

I broke with my girlfriend a month ago. We were together for about 1 year and 8 months. For the past months I wanted to break up with her many times.. we just had too many arguments and she is in many ways a type of woman who I dont want to be with. She is super hot and thats the first thing that made me fell for her. Pretty soon I realized many things of her that I didnt like in a person. She is kinda selfish, doesnt do much for other people, doesnt cook, doesnt shop, says pretty bad things about other people.. a little narcissistic so to say and the most important thing for her is her looks. And I fell for it. And I do love her. Or do I?

 

We took a break a month ago and 2 weeks after that I called it off for good. But still feeling very bad and missing her. I did a list of pros and cons and I found 8 good things vs 40 bad things in her and in our relationship! I keep staring at the list when I start missing her. She did love me very much and wanted to spend a lot of time with me.. and was reliable. But she craved for attention too much. So bad that it made me anxious. When I finally dumped her I was so relieved. I dumped her cause I had to, since after we decided together to take a break for us both to have time to think things thru.. she started going out and party all time and I really didnt see her putting the thought or effort for us getting back together. I didnt like what I saw so I broke it off for good. Eventhough I was relieved, I was still sad. And started missing her after a couple of days. We did text and call here and there for a few days and finally after two weeks from the break up I went No Contact. In day 10 of No Contact she called me and it all went downhill from there. I`ll get back to that soon..

 

During the relationship I tried to be a good boyfriend. I really did. Bought her stuff, took care of her and really helped her with everything. But I wasnt the soft kinda guy and she knows that. Never asked where she was going, who she was with. She loved me and didnt take me for granted. I am a fairly decent looking guy and do get a lot of attention from women. Since in my last relationship I definitely wasnt a good boyfriend and felt really guilty and ****ty afterwards, I wanted to make up for it in this relationship. Since the start I decided to be a good man. And I was until the very end. If she does a list of pros and cons on me and on the relationship, I know she will find many good things and only a few bad. So my conscience is clean. I gave much more than I took and she did the opposite. I just dont think se realizes it yet. She is so full of her self that maybe she never will.. I dont know..

 

So back to the No Contact. I was doing fine or at least better after 10 days of No Contact.. still a bit sad and missing her and definitely missing the sex. She called me and I answered, which was a huge mistake. We talked and we met.. we went for a walk.. just to discuss things thru.. She wanted to remain in contact with me, but I said that I couldnt and that this was the last time I`ll see her, cause of all the feelings I have for her. Next day something happened and I lost control.. I started texting her.. she texted me back normally, but then I went crazy and told her how I wanted her back and that I still love her very much and missed her, she said the same things but couldnt get back together just like that, cause of all of the arguments and fights we had before.. And to be honest me either. So why was I begging and pleading? I dumped her in the first place, it was my idea to have a break, I wanted to break up with her many times.. almost weekly in the past 3-4 months of our relationship. It was like I was obsessed to get her back until it went to a point where she started crying and I really pushed her away by blaming her for the break up and questioning her feelings for me, cause she still does love me and misses me but I kept telling her that I didnt believe it. But this all happened in one day. At the end of that day.. after hearing her crying I started to feel bad and realized what have I done. I was so selfish as it was actually the sex that I missed, not her. Im a very sexual man and after the break up I havent been with anyone. All I do is think about the sex with her. Even during No Contact that was the hardest part. So when she did contact me, I went nuts. The next day after this episode of crazy text bombing.. I apologized to her, sent her flowers and said that Im here for her and we can be friends etc. And that I didnt know what got in to me yesterday. She replied and was very happy about the flowers and said everything is good and also that I could contact her whenever I want.. and all in all, we end up things with a good positive feelings.

 

But I still feel like ****. I of course dont show or tell her that. I sent the flowers and said a few nice things as if Im okay and wanted to leave like a grown man and gentleman. But truth is, my self confidence went to zero and I feel way worse than I did after the break up. I feel like I`ve pushed her away for good. She contacted me 10 days after No Contact and I blew it up. But the truth is.. Im weak for the sex we had. I thought that by answering her and meeting her, we could somehow end up in bed.. and we probably would have, if I wouldnt`ve attacked her with texts of getting back together etc. I know I was too vulnerable and weak to not answer when she called, although I definitely shouldnt have. Now I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of my self. Its like she won and I lost. And now I became the dumpee. The reason for me flipping out like that was purely out of sexual reasons. She thinks that I really do want her back.. and now my mind is playing with me.. making me feel that I actually really do want her back as my girlfriend. And I know I broke up with her for the right reasons and the break up was the only option.

 

Throughout my life I`ve never been dumped, but everytime I`ve dumped a girl.. after a while I start wanting them back. And have done my time of begging and pleading. Sometimes just for a day and nothing serious, but the last time (before this one) I did it for months. When I finally got over it, I learnt a lesson. I promised my self I would never ever try getting back someone who I`ve broken up with. So after dumping this woman.. and being in touch for a couple of weeks I went full No Contact and started healing my self.. The development from day 1 to day 10 was huge.. as I knew by then that eventhough I wasnt over her, I definitely will never ever contact her. It was hard but I pushed thru. I did check my phone all time and somehow wanted her to call me, but when she finally did, I really wasnt ready for that. I lost control. Im struggling now, cause I did it again. There cant be nothing that special in her that made me put her up on this pedestal, as I`ve did the begging and pleading with all of my ex`s and I was the dumper every single time. This is just some personal issue Im having and I hate it. I keep asking my self.. WHY DO I ALWAYS BEG AND PLEAD??

 

I hopped on the No Contact train again and I definitely wont call her / text her. As I didnt the last time either. She did, but this time I wont answer to her calls / texts.. not until Im fully over her. Which again sounds stupid and retarded, cause im only addicted to the sex.. not her as a person. Only this time.. im pretty sure she will never contact me again, cause of how I reacted the last time. And its killing me.

 

I must seem like a complete mental case after reading my story Thanks for reading and ANY comments would help me realize the situation.

[ydb_xo]

wow. honestly, i think you should leave her alone. you are playing with her emotions and thats pretty ****ed up. why dont you just be real with her, and tell her that you dont want a relationship, you do however love the sex. either that, or leave her alone if you dont want to be with her.

[brianj1990]

Just stay no contact.

[Satu]

You have to block before you can say you're really doing NC.

[privategal]

You say you are atractive and get attention from girls...go find a new romance/sex without the baggage.

[spiderowl]

I want to thank you actually for giving a very good illustration of how so many mixed emotions are involved in relationships. Even you are not entirely sure whether you want her just for the sex or not. You behave like a gentleman and then the next minute another part of you takes over for a while and leaves you embarassed. I think you have been very honest about this. It is possible to love someone and hate them, to want them and not want them. The sexual urge is incredibly powerful and tends to insist of having an influence, no matter how rational we are. In the midst of all that, you are dimly aware that it's not good for either of you and yet you are still struggling.

 

As an attractive guy who has options, you must be used to feeling in control of the situation, unless the woman decides she's had enough, then you are plunged into a state that many people who are not so physically appealing would understand. I think you are too hung up on looks - your looks and girlfriends' looks. Try looking beyond that to spending time with people whose company you enjoy, not just looks. I think good-looking people feel they 'deserve' the most attractive partners because they are good-looking, therefore tend not to understand until later on that enjoying someone's company is more important than if they have a model appearance.

 

I suspect you are choosing women for their looks, looking at other options all the while, and then when you realise women need someone committed and less easily swayed by the superficial, it's a bit of a blow to the ego. Looks alone isn't enough! If it is what you rely on and assume, then it must be quite scary to find you are not invincible. Maybe this is more about finding a better understanding of yourself and others, something more solid and reliable than whether you can attract the best-lookers or not, a more stable understanding of yourself and what really matters to you. For that you need to acknowledge your real feelings and whether or not you genuinely do have deeper feelings for these women you are dumping.

Edited May 21, 2016 by spiderowl

[bummer]

Stick to your pro con list and do the right thing for both of you by not playing cat and mouse with her. The desire will fade just like it did for the other girls. Good luck staying NC!

[Dig81]

Thanks for the answers guys. I really needed to hear that. My emotions are so mixed right now. First I thought it was the sex I missed and now it`s like I miss her and I really wanna try it out with her again. We are / were in love and we did break up cause of stupid little fights, but they were actually so intense that we had to take break up. I still feel dumb for ever picking up the phone a week ago when se called as I wasnt ready to just chat and take it easy. My emotions got the best of me and here I am.. feeling empty and depressed. She obviously missed me after 10 days of NC and I scared her away with my neediness and clinginess. Last thursday I went NC only to break it today (3 days later).. send her message "Ur in my thoughts <3" and she replied with a heart. But I feel like it was just breadcrumbs from her. She always wanted to stay as friends with all of her ex`s, so I feel like that`s whats happening now also.

 

But on the other hand, I dont think somebody can just stop loving u like that.. in blink of an eye. A week ago she told me she loves me.

 

Anyways.. Although I got a nice reply on my message today I still feel miserable for breaking NC. Well.. at least now she really does know that I really do love her. I`ve pretty much said everything now. What scares me is I feel like Im kind of addicted on her. All morning I had this insane urge just to contact her in some way. I wrote a long message, then deleted it. Thank god!! But then sent her this short little reminder, which was probably a mistake also. I have to get rid of this addiction cause this isnt healthy. I dont want to think about her but I just cant get her out of my mind. Definitely going to keep the NC this time. But man this is hard! Im so pathetic. Crying over someone I broke up with. Over someone who I wanted dump a long ago. I know its probably my mind just playing games with me, but I cant help it. I will keep the NC for at least a month now.. we`ll see what will happen.

 

Thank you people very much for replying!

[Dig81]

I want to thank you actually for giving a very good illustration of how so many mixed emotions are involved in relationships. Even you are not entirely sure whether you want her just for the sex or not. You behave like a gentleman and then the next minute another part of you takes over for a while and leaves you embarassed. I think you have been very honest about this. It is possible to love someone and hate them, to want them and not want them. The sexual urge is incredibly powerful and tends to insist of having an influence, no matter how rational we are. In the midst of all that, you are dimly aware that it's not good for either of you and yet you are still struggling.

 

As an attractive guy who has options, you must be used to feeling in control of the situation, unless the woman decides she's had enough, then you are plunged into a state that many people who are not so physically appealing would understand. I think you are too hung up on looks - your looks and girlfriends' looks. Try looking beyond that to spending time with people whose company you enjoy, not just looks. I think good-looking people feel they 'deserve' the most attractive partners because they are good-looking, therefore tend not to understand until later on that enjoying someone's company is more important than if they have a model appearance.

 

I suspect you are choosing women for their looks, looking at other options all the while, and then when you realise women need someone committed and less easily swayed by the superficial, it's a bit of a blow to the ego. Looks alone isn't enough! If it is what you rely on and assume, then it must be quite scary to find you are not invincible. Maybe this is more about finding a better understanding of yourself and others, something more solid and reliable than whether you can attract the best-lookers or not, a more stable understanding of yourself and what really matters to you. For that you need to acknowledge your real feelings and whether or not you genuinely do have deeper feelings for these women you are dumping.

 

Your 100 % right. Looks are too important for me. And I dont like it. I`ve been bullied in school and I dont come from a very loving family. Your typical bad childhood story. I never felt loved when I was a child, quite the opposite.. being beat up and so on. I`ve always thought less of my self. Not feeling like being enough for anyone. So growing up I`ve come to realize that I am good looking guy and I´ve become too look-oriented. And I`ve been using it as my weapon. All my girlfriends have been very pretty. Maybe that has been the issue every time, cause ironically all of them have had more or less self esteem issues. Constantly thinking on their looks. So obviously those kind of women aren`t necessarily the most loving, sharing and caring girlfriends. And every time the relationships has ended up me dumping them for those reasons. But when time passes by post break.. days, weeks.. I start missing them and it becomes like an obsession. Wanting them back. They have all been willing and wanting to get back, but Ive rushed them to a point where they actually start to pull back and run away. Exactly what happen this time. I know that right now there is many women who would love to go out on a date with me. I know, I sound like a self loving douche bag for saying that but Im just saying how it is. But Im only thinking about her. Even though I know for a fact that there is millions of more suitable ones for me.

 

Had a long chat today with a nice girl on the phone and we`re going out on a date tomorrow. I actually felt good after the phone call cause she was really nice and funny and we really hit it off. I hope I just wont ruin the date tomorrow by overthinking about my ex. I`ve put her so high up on this pedestal that its actually insane! I have lost my appetite and its effecting my work and hobbies I hate it I hate it I hate it. I really have to get rid of her. Cause even If we do get back together, it probably wont feel the same anymore and we will just drive each other nuts.

 

I was on the pedestal, now the roles have turned.. Im taking this as a lesson. I`ve broken so many girls hearts that it`s time for me to take the hit this time and take it like a man.

Edited May 23, 2016 by Dig81

[Dig81]

We broke up about 1,5 months ago. I dumped her, cause I felt like she wanted to be dumped. Made me sad anyway. We had limited contact for a week and then I went NC. After 10 days she contacted, I went bananas and tried getting her back. I tried to make my case on and off for about a month. Just ending up looking like a fool and feeling very depressed. She wants to stay as friends, but I just couldnt. I also couldnt stay off Facebook and checking up on her. I wasnt strong enough. So I un-friended her and blocked her. Also text her saying that I had to do it for my own sake. I got it from her reply that she didn`t like that I blocked her.

 

Only 2 days later and I already feel much better! Like a miracle. She might think that Im being immature etc, but I dont care. I should have done this much earlier. Maybe even now she will start missing me more. Although that wasnt the point of me blocking her. Just a bonus. At first I felt a bit embarrased, cause Im not a 17 old girl, Im a +30 yr old man. But I had to do what I had to do to get over her.

 

So if you do have difficulties getting over them, just blocked them!

[sooshi]

You did what was right for you and your healing process. That's what's important. It's not easy to remove someone we care about from our life, and you are courageous to make that move for purposes of your own healing.

 

It sounds like the relationship wasn't right for you--when you made your list of pros and cons, you found so many things that weren't right for you. You did the right thing by not prolonging the relationship further.

[Addicted18]

Kuddos to you for blocking her. I need to do the same but can't seem to block her. I'm always checking her FB profile and it hurts every time. Even though I know it hurts looking at her FB and news feeds, I still do it. I keep deactivating my account hoping it will keep me from checking up, but I just keep logging back on and checking up on her. I am improving though, I don't check her FB as much as I used to, so I'm slowly tapering off on checking her social media since I can't seem to go cold turkey and block her. My goal is to eventually not even care to check up on her because I really need to go TRUE NC, but it's just so hard for me because I feel like I'm addicted to her, and I'm also kinda tied to her in some kind of way for the next couple of years because of money she owes me.

[Silver_star]

I agree. Speaking from experience, and a long period of obsessive behavior post break up. Block them before you have to start to witness their "Amazing" new life. Which will include but not be limited to wonderful evenings out on the town with new love interest(s), new jobs, and trips around the world with new love interests, weddings, confessions of never being happier. It will only make you feel like **** if keep them on your social media for long. The sooner you cut that contact the better. Don't feel guilty, and don't kid yourself about being their friend or them coming back to you. If they ever wanted to get a hold of you that bad they would find a way to track you down. just delete and block..It will be easier for you to move on.

[ajp1999]

Thank u for posting this. My ex and I have been going back and forth for like a month. We can't agree and just keep blaming each other. He was texting me again and I started texting him back and got really upset. I told him I'm blocking him so that we can both move on. I hope this helps. I'm just so sad and upset. I need to move on its just so hard

[Dig81]

So it has been 3,5 months since I blocked her and went NC. Im doing okay with my recovery. Blocking her social media and going NC was the key to victory. Can't deny tho, she is in my mind daily but I feel waaaay better than a few weeks ago. She has reached out to me a couple of times but not direct. Via mutual friends. And that only tells me she's playing games with me, cause she would otherwise call or text me her self. Seems like she is trying to make me break NC, which I definitely wont. I've come too far.

 

The other day I saw one of her friends and we had a little chat, nothing serious just a "hi how are you" etc. I asked her how my ex was doing, how is her work and if everthing is okay with her. And I also told her to say hello from me. Thats about it. Was that breaking NC? I mean I didnt think about it then, but now after a while I kinda feel like I shouldnt've. In a stupid childish way I enjoy knowing that she is still in to me and wants me to break NC, I just dont want to give her the satisfaction cause she doesnt deserve it. Im done and over it and I really dont want to get back together and this NC has really helped. I just got a little anxious after talking to her friend. Feel like I've broken NC and she knows it.

 

Ah.. silly games. Sounds ridiculous but I cant help it.

[fromheart]

I also used to beg and plead. Now I never do, and I mean never. Its the absolute act of lack of self esteem and self worth, and gives them the satisfaction of seeing you as weak.

 

I was with someone earlier this year who talked about ending it with me. So I literally got up and left, without looking back. She contacted me again a few months later, saying she'd messed things up. I continued to not look back.

I'm not interested in people who talk about ending things with me, regardless of whether they do it or not.

 

The self respect and respect you get from others you gain from this approach, is amazing.