Is there a chance we could get back together?

[Jarrod84]

The question is does my ex want to get back with me. I know the answer should be to ask but I just wanted to test the waters first before saying anything. I’ll just tell my story briefly and let me know what you think.

 

We were together 11 years from 16yo to 27yo. We have 2 kids. The split was amicable, we remained friends, we just couldn’t get along when we were together. There was issues around different levels of sex drive and that was probably what led to arguments about anything and everything, eventually making our situation unworkable. We split as a trial but never got back together. That was 4 years ago.

 

Since we’ve been apart I have had one relationship that lasted a little over a year and she had one that lasted about 2.5 years. Besides that it has just been short term things.

 

So about 6 months ago when I was dropping the kids back she invited me in (not unusual), asked if I wanted to stay for dinner (a little unusual) and then after the kids were in bed she basically jumped me (obviously highly unusual). This has been going on since then and we have even “dated” on some other nights going to movies, out for dinner etc. A couple of months ago we even holidayed together.

 

What is even more appealing to me is that her sex drive has done a complete 180 degree turn. Things she would never try now seem to be a staple part of what turns her on. I’m referring to things like anal sex and swallowing, things I could never get her to agree to previously. Now I don’t need to ask, it is her taking the lead and asking for these things.

 

Now I would be keen to rekindle our relationship but I don’t want to speak out of turn and upset a good thing I have going. There has been no mention of a relationship between us but it seems to be heading towards that more each day. I have stayed over many times and it’s becoming more frequent so I believe that is a good sign. On the other hand when we have been out together and old friends have seen us and asked if we were back together she gives a resounding no. She also describes herself as happily single.

 

So what do people think? Is there a chance of getting back together or is she just using me for sex because it’s convenient?

 

Thanks.

[TaraMaiden2]

In your shoes, I would just casually do what is happening at the moment; let her take the lead. Invite her out occasionally for a meal, do stuff at weekends together...

In other words, treat this as a completely new, 'never been done before' relationship.

Be cautiously optimistic.

 

Once there seems to be a level of dating denoting some kind of exclusivity, broach the subject of how glad you are things are so good.... and drop in "Are we dating again? because if we are, I'm really happy about that..."

 

When I first read your thread title, I thought this was going to be the classic "I've just been dumped, I'm heartbroken, I miss her, how can I get her back?!" Stuff.

 

But you guys have evolved, moved on, changed, developed as different, single people, and matured.

 

I would guess her having children might have altered her libido a great deal, or at least have contributed to it.

Now they've grown, that 'nurturing' single-focus attention on them, has rel;axed.

She's no longer 'just a mom'.

She's developed as a person and has rekindled some of who she used to be.

 

Give it time, and just keep going as you are.

 

You never know, she may well suggest a more permanent continuation, herself....

[TaraMaiden2]

Additionally, I'm pretty sure she's certainly not just using you for sex.

 

For starters, you're the father of her children, so using someone for sex would imply that they can be dropped at a moment's notice with no repercussions or come-backs. That's just not on the books with you.

 

Secondly, having gone on dates and holidays together, it seems that just using you for sex, is an even more remote situation.

 

It sounds to me as if you two have a lot of feeling for one another; maybe just living under the same roof is impossible.

 

It happens.

I know some people who adore each other - and are married - but own and liv in separate locations, because it suits them both better to do so.

 

Happy days!

[Buddhist]

Here's what I think. I think you should enjoy the new arrangement. As many married couples have discovered, it's possible to divorce but remain together, just not as live-in partners. I have lived next door to several such couples. They were once married, they split, spent some time apart and are now neighbours and enjoy great relationships with each other. In all cases neither of the partners re-married, they became content in their new relationships with their old spouses that are now based on friendship and total freedom.

 

I believe the key in those situations is not actually living together in the same house again. Now, hear me out. Once you go back to the same old arrangement, the same old arguments just fire up and re-etablish the same old dynamic. It's as if all you rekindled was the old crappy situation.

 

So if I were you. I'd just go along with it, mention nothing. Enjoy dating her again, enjoy her newfound sexuality. She's obviously very comfortable sharing it with you. But also enjoy what you now have together, a relationship based on total freedom. Don't try and put the shackles back onto each other.

 

Whether you both live together in the same house again will make zero difference to your kids but could kill your new relationship. What will make the difference to your kids is both their parents loving and enjoying each others company.

[Jarrod84]

Give it time, and just keep going as you are.

 

Thanks for the replies Tara.

 

So you don't think it's a good idea to ask her where she sees our relationship heading? My concern was that she seems to be doing everything to make it seem as though we are heading towards a second chance but never actually saying it. I thought she may have been waiting for me to ask? She's opened the door but she's waiting for me to step through so to speak. I'd hate for her to think that I'm not interested in anything more than what we have and then she moves on thinking I'm not interested. Of course I realize the other side of the coin is that I ask and it scares here away.

 

It's a very confusing situation, at least to me. She tells people she's happily single, she does not want our parents to know because they might think we're getting back together, she makes sure her friends know that we are not together. It seems clear from that where we stand. But then we spend so much time together now. For example I have spent the last three Fri/Sat nights at her place. Just last week she asked me to stay the Sunday as well. When I said I needed to go home for work clothes for the Monday she suggested I bring changes of clothes and leave them in the closet. She's effectively asking me to move in isn't she? But then I have that "I'm happily single" ringing in my ears....

 

Why do women have to be so complicated? This probably makes sense to some people, I'm not one of them.

[NTV]

Well, I think she's of the mindset that she's using you for sex. Because it's comfortable.

 

 

I think you should let her do it, as it's giving you more access (timewise) to your kids.

 

 

Plus it sounds like good sex.

 

 

You're not seeing anyone, so why not?

 

 

If you wanted to be manipulative, you could start seeing someone else, and then let her know one night afterwards that you're not gonna see her anymore because you might have something 'real' with this other chick and wanna see where it goes.

 

 

Course, that'll either cost you the shot with her, or she'll step up. Either way you have an answer but it won't be the same. It doesn't sound like you want it the same, but I don't know why you wouldn't... unless she's crazier than a jug of still moving bat wings inside treasure box inside a canvas bag hanging at a grocery store.

 

 

If she is, then you're playing with fire. A sexual assault charge can go along way to getting her greater custody of the kids.

[Toodaloo]

She tells people she's happily single, she does not want our parents to know because they might think we're getting back together, she makes sure her friends know that we are not together. It seems clear from that where we stand. But then we spend so much time together now. For example I have spent the last three Fri/Sat nights at her place. Just last week she asked me to stay the Sunday as well. When I said I needed to go home for work clothes for the Monday she suggested I bring changes of clothes and leave them in the closet. She's effectively asking me to move in isn't she? But then I have that "I'm happily single" ringing in my ears....

 

Why do women have to be so complicated? This probably makes sense to some people, I'm not one of them.

 

I think she is using you for sex. Either that or rehashing things because its comfortable but not actually wanting to get back together.

 

Sorry dude but I think you do need to bring this up and ask her what it is.

 

To just go along with it is leaving your heart wide open for being smashed all over again.

 

What do your children think of you staying over? Do you want them going through the pain of you being there then disappearing again? Because trust me it does hurt them when their Dad comes and goes like a fiddlers elbow. Dads are important people. Not your fault granted but that is what they see...

 

Be careful. Protect your heart and your children's emotions...

[mikeylo]

Talking it out is the best option. You don't want to create a situation in your head and later have it blown in your face ! Making assumptions in a relationship is the worst thing you can do. Best thing is talk , lol

[big dog]

Do you not wonder why she does all these things now ? And why she didn't do them before? She obviously learned them from someone else and is now "strutting her stuff" to you. If that doesn't bother you then fine.... but I might tend to be a bit skeptical myself about some things..... i'd just play it cool and take it very slow....

[preraph]

I'm leery of the sudden interest in sex she rejected before. Which tells me she probably does want you back to be doing it. I wouldn't expect that to last forever.

 

I think you should ask her to find a babysitter, help pay for that, and invite her on a real date, because that would show her some respect.

 

I really don't think couples with kids should break up over a woman not wanting anal or swallowing. That's pretty selfish on the grand scheme of things. So yes, I'm being a judgy about that.

 

People do mature, though, so there's hope.

[RedPurpleOrange]

Don't push it. If real love is still there, it never dies.

 

 

Go with the flow, the clouds, etc. And don't jump in too deep. Baby steps.

[Jarrod84]

I really don't think couples with kids should break up over a woman not wanting anal or swallowing. That's pretty selfish on the grand scheme of things. So yes, I'm being a judgy about that.

 

We didn't actually break up over those things. It was just my frustration over not getting them and the reduced frequency of sex that led to other issues, namely my inability to control my temper.

 

I was verbally abusive, never physically but that was enough to make living with me impossible. The abuse wasn't about the sex it was just about anything, trivial things but they blew up because I couldn't control myself.

 

I have since been seeing a counselor and have dealt with my anger issues and learned coping techniques for when I do feel that way. I apologized to my ex for my past behavior and she has accepted that.

 

While I may have been immature and unable to articulate my feelings in a constructive way the one thing that can't be disputed is that I never stopped loving my with and kids. I have done a lot of work on myself and I believe I am a better person for it.

 

Do you not wonder why she does all these things now ? And why she didn't do them before? She obviously learned them from someone else and is now "strutting her stuff" to you. If that doesn't bother you then fine.... but I might tend to be a bit skeptical myself about some things..... i'd just play it cool and take it very slow....

 

Look she was with people when we were apart and so was I. The long relationship she was in was actually with a woman, not that that matters. If these people have helped her realize her true sexuality then why should I question them? I don't begrudge her for getting from others what I should have been giving to her.

 

All I really care about is the present. I believe we have a real shot at making us work, I just don't want to rush in and stuff it up.

 

Baby steps.

 

It is hard to not want to rush in when you know just how good it can be and could be again. But you are right, baby steps is probably the best option. I just find it hard to "read" women, I don't know whether what is happening is an invitation for me to ask for more, something more permanent or whether it is just good sex friends with benefits style.

 

I'd love to wine and dine her one night and breach that subject but fear if it is the latter then I will have ruined any chance of it becoming the former and maybe have ruined what we currently have.