Orije Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 Hello Everyone I'm here today to get some help and maybe help steer my mind in the right direction because these past few weeks have been tough on me. I'm in a one year and a month relationship. She is 19 and I am 21. Currently i got a new job in which i work 40 hours a week 7am-4pm on weekdays and she works any other day during night shifts so its hard to see each other. I put my two week notice in so i had to immediately start my new job while finishing the other so ive been constantly busy and tired. My girlfriend has been throwing fits because we havent been able to see each other as often. Me and my dad had a long conversation because he was the one who got the the better paying job in which i make 3 times as much as my old job and he wants to see me succeed. To make it easier i will post the conversation so you guys can tell me if im wrong or whats going on. Thank you. Me: it was mainly about me and what i do but i wanted to sit down and try to figure out a schedule so we can see each other so we dont get into any fights like we are. my dad said him and my mom went through it and he said we arent even married so picture if we lived together and we acted like this because we couldnt see each other Her: They can't compare their relationship to someone else's. No one Is the same. Sorry I wanna see my ****ing boyfriend. That's a purpose of having a relationship is to also ****ing see each other. Me: i know my dad said no matter how much i want to stay up and talk to you my job comes before everything because this is what will make my life. he said he worked for me to get this job and doesnt want me to **** up because this is the real chance i have now to make money since ive been making poor amounts at bed bath Her: So you'd pick money over us. Me: yes (when i said yes i was replying to her comment about couples wanting to see each other) but he says there are times where you cant see each other at all and i have to understand it and not get angry. omg no but if we are gonna get anywhere in life we need freaking money i cant continue living in this place anymore. over all we are gonna need money to do anything and this is a real job. he said you will be angry that im working more but you have to understand the aspect of money. also that we have to make a schedule to better see each other so it works out more. so i wanted to sit down and work out a schedule and he was asking why not for you to find a better job that treats you better and is more flexible Me: It's not gonna work out. How many times do I have to say that. I only have Tuesdays and Fridays off. I don't know whether I work morning or night. It won't work. you dont know that until we try. i get out of work at 3pm on those days i can come see you or you can come see me. it wont be as much as it used to be but at least ill see you a few times during the week and i can on the weekends depedning on your hours. if we are gonna get through this and work it out youre gonna have to try because ive been trying and i keep getting shot down by you saying its not gonna work out. these past 2 weeks havent worked out because ive been worked two damn jobs but when the other is gone ill be more avilable. even one day is fine with me. Her: I know what it's like first hand not seeing your partner for weeks on end. I'm not going through that Me: so what are you trying to say? its not gonna be weeks on end ill still be seeing you weekly its not a huge deal not like im seeing you every 2 weeks ands its only for summer cause when school starts i will go downto part time and thatll be early morning then school then your place when available but as you said you arent going through that? what are you going to do? because im suggesting ideas and youre not taking any into consideration Her: I don't know. Me: what do you mean you dont know? i gave suggestions gow this will work why are you not looing into it? how* unless you already have an ulterior motive in mind? just tell em me im not playing mind games you shouldnt either if this year together seriously meant so much this part should be easy for us hello? i dont have much time to stay up. you wanted to talk about this Her:I don't know if it will work. How will be easy. I won't see you and let's face I won't because you already go home and fall asleep and I'm not dealing with you sleeping every time I see you. I'd like to hang out with my friends and since I will probably be working most of the time the only time I would have is Tuesdays and fridays. I'm not setting aside my only days off for you. I barley get to talk to you anymore. You were suppose to be asleep 20 minutes ago and now look you'll say something about being tired tomorrow and that will make me feel like **** cause you can't even stay up late anymore. It's pointless to get home form work and drive out to leave at 9.30. Then go to bed goodnight. Perfect example right there. Thanks. Makes me feel great knowing my boyfriend doesn't wanna talk bout issues but then gets mad when I don't want to thanks. Night Me: so you said youre mad we cant see each other and how it would not work yet you wont set your only days off for me? who says i would fall asleep ive been doing a lot better and no its not that im used to you getting mad or something and you jsut leave without saying anything at all. facebook says you log off after reading my thing i dont know what to think you can always make time for your friends. even if its one day a week i dont mind seeing you Her: I give up, night Me: give up on what? i didnt say anything wrong? seriously this is a big turning point in our life if you seriously wanna say screw the small time you have with me and be with your friends then say it im trying to make this work, youre giving up im giving suggestions and youre giving untimatums. its not right.... Her: No it's a big turning point in your life. This job has nothing to do with me Me: yes because its a big job. i have to pay for everything i do and own and i cant sit around being broke all the time and you know that. I wish i had the privelidge of having my parents pay for my stuff like you get to do. with this i can actually set out a future with us but this shoudlnt even be a problem for us we can do this easily if we work out times and stuff so we can see each other. why cant you see that? cause i love you dont you love me? we can get through this dont worry. it will take time but we can dont give up at the start because we cant see the future babe.... Her: Just go to bed Me: i tried. take a few days to think about it and let me know what you want to do.... have a goodnight i love you no i love you back? Her: Idk Me: question answer me truthfully. do you still wanna be with me? Her: yes Me: alright well take your time and let me know what you come up to because ill always be here waiting and in the same place. so have a goodnight i love you and sleep well Her: You too Me: lmao wow Her: Love you to Me: now why was that so hard... goodnight Her:Because I don't like you right now go to ****ing bed. Goodnight Me: you dont like me? what did i do wrong? Her:I do love you. I want you to see my side of this whole thing but you can't and won't. Working at a gas station you don't get to pick your hours, you get thrown on to whatever fits for the boss. I know I won't be seeing you because they wanna train me to close so I know I won't be available for night. I can't ask for morning all the time cause it's not fair for everyone else that wants it. Not everyone has their parents to help them find another job so easily. I wanna see my friends i dont wanna put them om pause just cause you want me to save those days for you. So yeah I'm ****ing annoyed at the fact that you think it'll be so easy to see each other. I see your side so clearly but you can't see where I'm coming from. I love you and care you, yes. But right now I'm more annoyed then ever. And I don't wanna continue arguing. So don't ****ing make any more smart remarks. So go to ****ing bed. I love you, goodnight.
Jabron1 Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 (edited) Anyone have any thoughts? I find her attitude abhorrent, and your tolerance for BS to be threw the roof. You have the patience of a saint - but she's pushing it. The way she speaks to you is terrible. If she started swearing at me, I wouldn't have bothered to reply to it. Stop rewarding bad behaviour with your attention. She doesn't want to meet you halfway. She wants you to do what she wants - and that's that. If I were you, I wouldn't indulge her tantrums. Be above it. She can throw a wobbler and stamp her feet, but you need to stay calm and not allow yourself to get dragged into it. Seriously, stop trying to placate her. Edited May 19, 2016 by Jabron1 2
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 Okay, speaking as an adult woman, her behavior is beyond cringe worthy. My initial instinct is to give her a good spanking because she's acting like a spoiled and stubborn child. However, speaking as someone who once was 19 myself and went through something very similar, her behavior does seem rather indicative of that age and maturity level. I commend you for having such a great work ethic. I also commend you for realizing the work schedule will be challenging and trying to discuss ways to try and meet in the middle. That's more than most people would do so kudos to you. At this point, you need to do what you need to do. Your father is very wise about these things and you should listen to him. Your girlfriend is acting horribly at the moment because she's not able to see the bigger picture and making this all about her. I would give her some space but still let her know you're ultimately doing this for your future together. If she continues to blow you off and harass you then perhaps that is very telling of the kind of woman she is. It speaks a lot to her character if she's not wanting to bother even discussing ways to make this work. Good luck. 2
katiegrl Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 (edited) Agree with Michelle 100%. To add though, your gf is attempting to manipulate you through guilt. Don't let her, stand your ground. I mean throwing fits? Give me a break. Next time she says "I don't think it's going to work out, I need to spend time with my ****ing boyfriend." Flip it back on her and say "I agree, I don't think it will work either , I need a girlfriend who is more supportive"! Which you do! Then tell her to think about it and call you when she decides. Stop placating her! As Jabron said. It makes you look weak. Be strong!!!!! She is being 100% unreasonable here, and selfish. And for the love of pete, stop asking her what you did "wrong"! Ugh. That just sounds so weak, so please stop that. You did nothing wrong! You want to make a better life, that is a good thing! Listen to your dad! Don't allow this chick to pull you down. You are only 21, there will be others. More supportive, less selfish, less manipulative . Best of luck. Edited May 19, 2016 by katiegrl 2
smackie9 Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 She's just frustrated. She's "adjusting" to this situation of you working all the time by venting childishly. She might get over it, or she may not. Just keep talking about it is all you can do. BUT if it continues like this then you may not have any choice and end it. I was in this situation when I was a teenager and I totally understand where she is coming from....I took matters into my own hands and chose to breakup with him and date someone else, but I didn't have that much time invested so it was easy. Oh well life is life. Nothing is forever.
katiegrl Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 He is not working *all the time.* He works a standard 40 hour week, 7:00-4:00. Making three times what he did at last job. She wants him to stay up late to talk to her when *she* gets off work. Even though he needs to be at work at 7:00 am! She wants him to quit his job so he will be more available to accommodate *her* job schedule. She is being 100% unreasonable, and she is attempting to manipulate him through guilt. By threatening to break up with him if he doesn't acquiesce to what SHE wants. I never behaved that way even when I was 16! It is selfish. And manipulative . And wrong!
introverted1 Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 You sound like a smart guy who has his priorities straight, OP. Your gf, on the other hand, comes across as an entitled princess, and not a very nice one at that. Is she also in school? Are you envisioning a lifetime with her? It does not seem that she has the skills needed for an adult relationship.
Cinnamonstix Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 Having been a teen once myself without the tools to properly communicate, I'm going to guess that she is hurt that you don't seem as upset as she is about your lack of time together. She is lashing out rather than being vulnerable and telling you how she really feels. Deep down she thinks that you don't love and care about her enough. That is often the basis for why women get upset with their men. Fer argument is full of double standards and is unfair. You could argue that she is the one with weird work hours, not you. She could change jobs or try to see her friends during the day. Not that her job is any less important, but it's easier to replace a gas attendant job than yours, which sounds more like a career. But I noticed you aren't even suggesting that she do that, because you respect her choices. She should be giving you the same, as your choices are reasonable. But again, she is not compromising because she is looking for you to prove that you care. Her behaviour is not okay, but it is very reflective of her level of maturity. Your tolerance of her behaviour is rewarding the beast. You need to show her that their are consequences for bad treatment. That said, I don't think she is able to have a mature, healthy relationship at this point in her life if this is how she handles conflict.
Author Orije Posted May 19, 2016 Author Posted May 19, 2016 Her: Sorry for last night..I just want you to see it my way I dont know if I wanna go to your house. I don't really wanna see your parents. Her: I'm tired of this though, I don't like that your parents always have to put their two sense into everything. If you wanted advice you would come to them for it. Every fight we ever had started with their "lectures". I know it will be hard to see each other and yeah I'm willing to try. But I don't need them saying things like "your job is most important" and "not to **** it up" and telling me to find a better job. I don't need those things. I know I need a better job but it's hard to find one, not everyone has their parents help them get a job. And him saying those things make me feel like **** and the fact that you don't speak up when he says something like that makes me feel even more ****ty. You basically agree that your job is more imprtant than me. He can't compare him and your mom to us, we aren't alike what so ever. I need you in my life and I need to see you, I'm not having a relationship where I don't see my boyfriend. I understand your side but you aren't understanding mine. I love you I really really do but when things like this come up and you let your parents say things like that and then try to avoid it...it doesn't help. Her: I'd rather have you come to me and say "hey I know this is gonna be tough but we can get through this let's figure it out now" then have your parents put things in your head, especially about me, and then not tell me. So either you stop listening to them or we are gonna fight a lot more. But I don't wanna fight, you're my person. I need my person I don't wanna fight, I wanna be able to turn to you when I need you the most like last night. They don't understand our situation because they didn't go through it, they live together they see each other. If we lived together I wouldn't care cause I'd still see you. But I need you, I don't need you pushing me away and letting your parents say those things. I don't want that. I want me and you figure out OUR lives not your parents. I love you though.. Me: I'm home and like i said i didn't tell you everything that i said because i didn't have the time but i offered to today. I am constantly being bashed for how much i make and how much money i have. I don't like asking anyone for money and you continue to tell me you wanna go out more and see new places well i need this job to make this worth it. My hours aren't that hard i stay the same schedule and it will be like this for the longest time so i hoped we could just fit times and days where we can see each other. in the beginning of our relationship for awhile i used to drive to your house at 6 and stayed for 2-3 hours and had to go. me getting out at 3-4 and you staying til 9:30-10 is not a waste. its perfect time i get to spend with you. i understand your point clearly and where you come from. there are other jobs out there but you dont wish to drive out or do those types so youre only down to so many options, for me i cant do that ill take the best at whats available. i told you this is gonna be tough and im trying to work it out, youre lashing at me with your i dont knows and how you wanna be with your friends. we can always work it out cause im supposed to be your lover and best friend. Me: most friends wont stay in your life but i will and i will always work through it. my parents don't bad mouth you at all they come at me because i put you over them when it comes to things. when im with them i drop whatever im doing and i come to you and they hate that while when i ask you to come see me if youre free you always have to ask. the thing they say i dont do is say no because i will drop whatever is important to go see and be with you even if its a little. like i said its going to be a tough transition but we can make it through this i want you to understand. i have things to pay for and do but i always make time for you because i love you i want you to see none of this is supposed to be bad. its like switching to a new shift at work like yea its gonna suck at first but there is always ways around it. but just let me know if you still wanna come over or not.
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 I will admit that when I saw you recount your conversation with your dad to your girlfriend, especially the part where you saying things like "my dad said...", or "my know feels...", so not cool dude. Seems like you're hiding behind your dad instead of standing up for yourself. Your girlfriend make a point about that part. Regardless, glad to see she's come to her senses if only for the moment. Good luck. 1
Author Orije Posted May 19, 2016 Author Posted May 19, 2016 Thank you for the responses and i understand what you mean, but he brought up points that put me into a corner. i can stand my own ground, but that'll make him wanting to push or kick me out of the house and i can't afford that. i am glad for everything both my parents do for me, but there are times at which i would speak up, my dad is also my boss at the job so to get on his bad side will make my time at home and at work more complicated...
Author Orije Posted May 19, 2016 Author Posted May 19, 2016 (edited) She recently replied and read with no response.. Her: Don't know Me: alright well dont take too long or the day will be over haha Her: Wish it was Me: nooooo cause next tme ill be free is sunday :c thats too long to wait. find out soon please miss you Her: Idk my brother and girlfriend were gonna come. Me: you can see them all the time while im not as free often. come spend some time with me. Her: I dont wanna drive Me: i know but i cant drive because i wasnt paid yet and ive been on the road all day. dont you wanna come see me? i think it stinks but itll be worth it Her: I'll see Not really. I just wanna stay in bed today. Me: then i guess ill see you whenever you feel like getting out of bed or have time. im going to the gym. tell your brother i said hi She responded a little after and said she is going to come over so i will see what happens Edited May 19, 2016 by Orije
Versacehottie Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 She recently replied and read with no response.. Her: Don't know Me: alright well dont take too long or the day will be over haha Her: Wish it was Me: nooooo cause next tme ill be free is sunday :c thats too long to wait. find out soon please miss you Her: Idk my brother and girlfriend were gonna come. Me: you can see them all the time while im not as free often. come spend some time with me. Her: I dont wanna drive Me: i know but i cant drive because i wasnt paid yet and ive been on the road all day. dont you wanna come see me? i think it stinks but itll be worth it Her: I'll see Not really. I just wanna stay in bed today. Me: then i guess ill see you whenever you feel like getting out of bed or have time. im going to the gym. tell your brother i said hi She responded a little after and said she is going to come over so i will see what happens Damnnnnnnn^^^^^^ There were moments where I could see bits of her side though I hate her delivery and thought she basically acts like a brat. OP, you were really patient, calm and had valid points with her virtually the whole way through. Do you see how putting your foot down in your last text (bolded above) showed her that her attempts to manipulate you won't work and she changed her tune right away and is coming over. But yeah, this last exchange confirms it. She is acting like an entitled brat and it is laughable when she says you are not willing to try since it's actually the opposite that is happening. Make sure you don't act like a doormat for her. I think that is why your parents are trying to make sure you don't throw away your future. They might not say anything bad about your gf but they might not see it as something that will last or serve you well or that you could end up making some life changing mistakes because of her. Be careful of this. Dammnnn. That's all I have to say. 1
Cinnamonstix Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 Having read more of your conversation, I am more leaning towards she wears the pants in the relationship and she is used to you doing everything to make it work. It just doesn't seem balanced. I don't get the feeling she is deeply in love with you. 1
Pat944 Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 I have read the replies and comments. It is tough to build a career and it takes commitment and hours to build the skills and credentials for the long term. In my own experience I had to be available to opportunities with long hours for over five years before my schedule was more relationship friendly. Others have certainly commented on your situation. Your dilemma probably won't change. You have certainly tried to have open dialogue on trying to resolve the schedule issues. You will have decisions to make and this is a good time in life to decide what you want in your future and relationships.
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