Peridot77 Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 Hi everyone! I recently went on a few dates with a guy and we had a great time. The first date was this past Friday night. After that, I did not hear from him until a few days later when he asked me to an impromptu lunch with him, his two kids, and a co-worker of his. The lunch was a lot of fun, but I have not heard a peep since then. I figured we would at least have a plan for the next date by now, however far away. To give a little background, I have known the guy for three years through a mutual friend. We were both involved in serious relationships all that time, so we never saw each other as possibilities until we ran into each other serendipitously a few weeks ago. I really like this guy and have not felt a spark like this with someone in quite some time. I know it has only been a few days since we last spoke, but it still seems a little strange that he has not even sent a message just to say hi. Could this mean he has lost some interest? Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much!!
Dis Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 Hi everyone! I recently went on a few dates with a guy and we had a great time. The first date was this past Friday night. After that, I did not hear from him until a few days later when he asked me to an impromptu lunch with him, his two kids, and a co-worker of his. The lunch was a lot of fun, but I have not heard a peep since then. I figured we would at least have a plan for the next date by now, however far away. To give a little background, I have known the guy for three years through a mutual friend. We were both involved in serious relationships all that time, so we never saw each other as possibilities until we ran into each other serendipitously a few weeks ago. I really like this guy and have not felt a spark like this with someone in quite some time. I know it has only been a few days since we last spoke, but it still seems a little strange that he has not even sent a message just to say hi. Could this mean he has lost some interest? Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much!! Well after the first date he didnt text you for a few days then he texted you and asked you to lunch...so maybe the same situation is going on here. If he was a constant texter and then randomly stopped texting you I would say he probably lost intrest but it sounds like he just isnt a big texter. Some guys arent...my bf isnt. He's probably one of those people that only texts when there is something important to say, like setting up a date. The thing is, you never know for sure whats going on in the other person's head... so of course there is always the chance he lost intrest. We all run that risk when we date. If youre really worried why dont you send him a text? Remember he's a father too so hes probably pretty busy. Dont stress yet hun
tayriley Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 i think the issue here is, he knows you are around. unlike meeting a stranger and chasing after them to make sure they stay interested, he knows you are interested and there...so he has no incentive to keep asking you out. you mentioned the second date was 'impromptu'...does that mean he asked you the day of? had you met his kids before? was the coworker his superior? i ask you all this because it is very possible he was trying to impress the coworker by inviting a date along. in which case, you could really be anyone who is pretty and charming. or, he might want to throw you in the deep end and see how well you interact with his kids and coworker. it's pretty simple here- he already knows you are interested because you've shown it. if he is interested, he will keep asking you out. if he isn't, he'll stop. if he keeps doing 'impromptu' meetups, then he is using you. the above commenter is right- not everyone is into texting. i know i'm not. if you want to say hi to him, do it! if something in your day reminds you of him, then text him! text him a funny picture or video that pertains to something you talked about at lunch. it won't come across desperate or anything. you've known the guy for 3 years, after all. he should know that you aren't a crazy person by now. and if he isn't interested, oh well. you've only been out with him twice. you might be romanticizing things a bit because you have no other interesting options at the moment. 1
Toodaloo Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 He likes you but not all that much. When a guy really likes you he doesn't play by the "rules" he phones because he wants to at every opportunity because he can't wait to hear your voice. If he is leaving gaps he isn't all that interested. Do not invest emotion in this one. 4
Honoré9 Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 A guy who is really interested will set up the next date quickly and take the time out of his life to plan them. If he's the type of guy that thinks you need to follow rules like "wait X number of days before contacting" then you don't want him anyway. Who cares about the "rules" who made them anyway? How much contact did you have before the dates started? 1
Methodical Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 Toodaloo's an expert in this area and I think she has hit the nail on the head. Heed her warning and don't get too invested.
Author Peridot77 Posted May 19, 2016 Author Posted May 19, 2016 Thanks for all the replies! He asked me to lunch very spur of the moment on Monday. The lunch was scheduled for 11:30am and he asked me about 10:30am. I do not think the co-worker was a superior. I've met his kids in the distant past and they are both college-aged. I know this is a busy week for him because his kids are on break and they talked about taking a possible short trip, but I figured I would hear from him by now - even just a quick 'hi' and 'how are you doing' sort of thing. It's just odd to me that someone can seem so interested one minute and then they sort of disappear the next. It has always been my philosophy that everyone has time, no matter how busy, for a quick note to say hi. The date last week was really great. We only planned to meet for dinner, but we just had so much to talk about and ended up doing a wine tasting afterward. He even held my hand as we walked to his car. It was really sweet. We even talked about ideas for future dates. So...I'm just confused now and how to proceed with all this. I am traveling for work in just over a week and I hope to see him before then. Thanks again for all the replies!
Versacehottie Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 Thanks for all the replies! He asked me to lunch very spur of the moment on Monday. The lunch was scheduled for 11:30am and he asked me about 10:30am. I do not think the co-worker was a superior. I've met his kids in the distant past and they are both college-aged. I know this is a busy week for him because his kids are on break and they talked about taking a possible short trip, but I figured I would hear from him by now - even just a quick 'hi' and 'how are you doing' sort of thing. It's just odd to me that someone can seem so interested one minute and then they sort of disappear the next. It has always been my philosophy that everyone has time, no matter how busy, for a quick note to say hi. The date last week was really great. We only planned to meet for dinner, but we just had so much to talk about and ended up doing a wine tasting afterward. He even held my hand as we walked to his car. It was really sweet. We even talked about ideas for future dates. So...I'm just confused now and how to proceed with all this. I am traveling for work in just over a week and I hope to see him before then. Thanks again for all the replies! I think you are worried too much. Just because he is setting a pace that works for him doesn't mean he is not interested. To me, there is not enough info yet. He is busy with his kids, sounds like and is thinking of you enough that he asked for something friday and then again on monday impromptu. He may be one of those guys who doesn't do chit chat in between and stays in contact to set up the next date and doesn't know when that could be. And it's thursday morning and you saw him monday and only just begun dating. Not everyone approaches relationships the same so use caution with how you interpret interest based on blanket statements and expectations. At the most, I would take from this is that you are not a total priority for him yet. Your tendency to want a certain pace and level of contact seems to be different from his. I wouldn't read more into it than that at this point. Keep your eyes open for how he handles things going forward. And get clear on what YOU would like so that you don't end up compromising to get the guy or make yourself too available/desperate. Good luck
Dis Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 A guy who is really interested will set up the next date quickly and take the time out of his life to plan them. If he's the type of guy that thinks you need to follow rules like "wait X number of days before contacting" then you don't want him anyway. Who cares about the "rules" who made them anyway? How much contact did you have before the dates started? This is very true. For example my bf isnt a big texter but he always set up dates one after the other. He is still that way...not big into texting...he wants that face to face time instead and does what he needs to do to make sure that happens. Now that I'm reading some other comments here I'm getting a clearer picture. If a guy is insterested in you...he will make an effort to set up dates and see you. If hes just putting you on the back burner (seems to be the case here) then hes not interested. Remember alot of guys arent into texting but if they like you, they will make the effort to see you as much as they can.
frus69 Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 This is very true. For example my bf isnt a big texter but he always set up dates one after the other. He is still that way...not big into texting...he wants that face to face time instead and does what he needs to do to make sure that happens. Now that I'm reading some other comments here I'm getting a clearer picture. If a guy is insterested in you...he will make an effort to set up dates and see you. If hes just putting you on the back burner (seems to be the case here) then hes not interested. Remember alot of guys arent into texting but if they like you, they will make the effort to see you as much as they can. So what happens if a guy is busy and also not into text? So he sees you once or twice a week and texts you three or four times a week. So there are times you don't hear from him for 2 days. Is it still ok? 1
Dis Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 So what happens if a guy is busy and also not into text? So he sees you once or twice a week and texts you three or four times a week. So there are times you don't hear from him for 2 days. Is it still ok? If your referring to something your dealing with now, I'd ask yourself this....is this ok with ME? If I was dating a super busy guy who also didnt make much of an effort to text me...I'd move onto the next. I'm fine with the fact my bf isnt big into texting but we usually do exchange a few texts daily and we see each other frequently...maybe 3-4 times a week. If I didnt see a guy often or communicate pretty often...I'd lose intrest. So ask yourself what your ok with. OP, I think you should start wondering why your interested in this guy instead of wondering if hes interested in you...seems like he makes next to no effort. Why would you like a guy like that??? Move on hun
Toodaloo Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 Thanks for all the replies! He asked me to lunch very spur of the moment on Monday. The lunch was scheduled for 11:30am and he asked me about 10:30am. I do not think the co-worker was a superior. I've met his kids in the distant past and they are both college-aged. I know this is a busy week for him because his kids are on break and they talked about taking a possible short trip, but I figured I would hear from him by now - even just a quick 'hi' and 'how are you doing' sort of thing. It's just odd to me that someone can seem so interested one minute and then they sort of disappear the next. It has always been my philosophy that everyone has time, no matter how busy, for a quick note to say hi. The date last week was really great. We only planned to meet for dinner, but we just had so much to talk about and ended up doing a wine tasting afterward. He even held my hand as we walked to his car. It was really sweet. We even talked about ideas for future dates. So...I'm just confused now and how to proceed with all this. I am traveling for work in just over a week and I hope to see him before then. Thanks again for all the replies! Honey I have been there and done that oh soooo many times. They are all over you one minute then no so the next... All it means is that you are light entertainment. I know it sounds horrible but I do exactly the same when someone is a great person but I am not all that interested in getting it on with them. Think of the word "disposable". You are disposable to him. Sod that. Don't waste your time. I know it hurts. Heck if you could have seen how glum I was after a couple of these... not good and a total waste of time. Its why I stopped messing about and fannying around trying to go out with people I wasn't all that interested in. Because it does hurt to be treated like this. It leaves you confused and upset and wondering "what is wrong with me" when the answer to that is nothing! When a guy is interested in you and wants to see you he will. It really is that simple. No matter what, he will find the time and resources to see you. He hates texting? He will text if he knows you like it. He hates talking on the phone? He will phone you if he knows you like it. He will go out of his way to please you. If he isn't? Well I am afraid that he will be one of those that moves on. Perhaps sooner, perhaps later but he will move on eventually. My new chap has had a heck of an amount going on in the last couple of weeks (how he is not driven insane I have no idea) and he still has got his backside into his car and driven an hour to see me twice a week. He has still called every day, 2-3 times a day. He has still come up and helped with things that he knew I could do on my own but he wanted to help with. Look for consistency. Look for stability of character. Those are what really matter in a guy. All this flakiness just leads to pain and getting hurt, awkward conversations and tears... Cut him loose asap and do not invest your emotions in this one. He will disappear when the next thing comes along. 1
Author Peridot77 Posted May 20, 2016 Author Posted May 20, 2016 Thanks again for all of the replies and advice. At this point, I am going to assume he is no longer interested because I have not heard at all from him. It's just so weird because he was very persistent in terms of asking me on the first date and we had a wonderful time. We never had a pause in the conversation and kissed at the end of the night. I also thought it was a good sign that he invited to lunch with his kids. I've met them before, but was not a potential romantic interest for their dad any of those times. We all had a nice time and the only thing that did not go well was me picking a sushi roll that no one else liked....LOL! It's just really disappointing I have not heard at all from him - even just us a hello.
Toodaloo Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 Don't worry Peridot. I was dating this gorgeous chap for a few weeks. He was all over me, chasing me blagh blagh blagh... Damn he worked hard for that first date... Fantastic few dates after that. I really wanted to get to know that guy. I was really into him. Then once it was "exclusive" he didn't bother... Sure enough it ended. Really hurt that one as I absolutely adored him. Thankfully I had kept my emotions in check so wasn't a blubbering mess but it hurt bad. I guess he just liked the chase. Like someone said. I am the expert on knowing when I am going to be dumped lol. 2
smackie9 Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 Ummm I have a question. So how much do you initiate? Do you send flirty texts? Have you ever asked him out for a date? If not maybe he thinks you are not that interested.....A guy isn't going to invest his energy into someone who doesn't reciprocate. 1
truth_seeker Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 I believe in tit-for-tat >>> I text you, I expect a response back. No response, I do not send another text. If I ask out a girl and she doesn't give me a straight YES or NO, I tell her to get back to me when she has answer for me. Then I drop her. It amazes me how women fall for men who are super aggressive and chase them endlessly. It doesn't mean they adore you... it means they just want to get into your pants, and once they do, they're done with you.
truth_seeker Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 Ummm I have a question. So how much do you initiate? Do you send flirty texts? Have you ever asked him out for a date? If not maybe he thinks you are not that interested.....A guy isn't going to invest his energy into someone who doesn't reciprocate. Younger women are not going to comprehend what you just wrote. They are too immature and naive to understand that they have to do some leg work. If the girl is way hot, like a knock out, forget about it. She's so used to getting her way from men, it will only confuse her and frustrate her when a guy disappears on her or stops vying for her attention. The hotter they are, the bigger the headache they are...
smackie9 Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 Whoa whoa here that isn't fair saying things like that. bitter at all? You don't know anything about the OP so stop assuming something so negative before getting the facts. 1
truth_seeker Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 Whoa whoa here that isn't fair saying things like that. bitter at all? Not bitter at all... just keepin' it real I'm sure there are other people on this board who will agree with me. You don't know anything about the OP so stop assuming something so negative before getting the facts. True, I do not know the OP... but what I wrote is possible
Author Peridot77 Posted May 20, 2016 Author Posted May 20, 2016 It's interesting that age was mentioned. To give more context to all this, I am 38 and the guy is 51. I think we're both past the games as far as dating goes, which is why I am surprised I have not heard anything from him. If he lost interest, I would have thought he would talk to me about it because we've known each other for a while. If he was someone I had just met, I would not think much of all this. I am hoping it is not the case he lost interest and maybe he is just super busy with his kids. His older son just graduated from college and they talked about taking a possible trip this week.
Miss Peach Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 Ummm I have a question. So how much do you initiate? Do you send flirty texts? Have you ever asked him out for a date? If not maybe he thinks you are not that interested.....A guy isn't going to invest his energy into someone who doesn't reciprocate. I am the type to sit back and wait for the guy to initiate at the beginning. Otherwise I can't tell his interest. I've lost some men with them saying they didn't know my interest level. I talked to BF quite a bit about this. He told me "I guess they weren't interested enough in you". You can reciprocate but you don't necessarily have to initiate. He knows you're there. I believe in tit-for-tat >>> I text you, I expect a response back. No response, I do not send another text. If I ask out a girl and she doesn't give me a straight YES or NO, I tell her to get back to me when she has answer for me. Then I drop her. It amazes me how women fall for men who are super aggressive and chase them endlessly. It doesn't mean they adore you... it means they just want to get into your pants, and once they do, they're done with you. My BF has said similar. He expects a yes or a no and an alternative date. Otherwise he assumes he's getting a polite brush off.
Author Peridot77 Posted May 20, 2016 Author Posted May 20, 2016 He texted me earlier. He asked me if I was busy tonight and if I like board games. I guess I know what I'll be doing tonight....should be interesting! LOL! I am glad he is still interested, but the last minute thing is a little annoying
Versacehottie Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 He texted me earlier. He asked me if I was busy tonight and if I like board games. I guess I know what I'll be doing tonight....should be interesting! LOL! I am glad he is still interested, but the last minute thing is a little annoying See! People can be so doom and gloom around here. Get you all worked up for nothing. Here's the thing that I do think they have as a potential yellow flag: I do see some plausible reasons for them seeing a yellow flag: the last minute invite. Could be from a good place/could be from a "bad" place. I think no matter what if you allow it, you will continue to get last minute invites. Last minute invites can be good if you appreciate spontenanity and have a busy life of your own where they won't always work out so the other person will see that they have to make some plans with you as well. I'm taking that this is not the case with you. You jumped at the opportunity even though you are annoyed. If you really don't want those types of spontaneous invites, don't accept them--especially as he is learning how to treat you. It is a bit of slippery slope at the exact time you are trying to show him you are worthy and not too available and would appreciate being planned for. The most important thing, even if it involves a bit of game playing, is to not accept the next one of those next time he does that---in particular if there are no planned dates in between. Just tell him you've got a pretty busy schedule so last minute is often tough for you but that you don't want to miss seeing him so let's make some plans. Be lighthearted and breezy. Time will tell if: *he is trying to make you a priority and is excited about you, which is why he comes up with these last minute plans (or maybe he's less of planner than others) *OR if you are a low priority which is why you are getting these last minute invites. I do think accepting the behavior can lead to guys taking you for granted or seeing you as too available, in which case they typically lose interest. Plus you don't like it, so you'd best try to nip it lol. I even love spontaneous and would recommend that you proceed very carefully. Spontaneous mixed with planned dates is fine. Waiting by the phone hoping spontaneous invite comes in, is not good. Have fun tonight! Make sure this guy knows you are in demand and your time is precious. I would even say something like: "glad I could make it tonight, typically I have plans (with a laugh/joke), you got lucky!"
Toodaloo Posted May 23, 2016 Posted May 23, 2016 He texted me earlier. He asked me if I was busy tonight and if I like board games. I guess I know what I'll be doing tonight....should be interesting! LOL! I am glad he is still interested, but the last minute thing is a little annoying Honey I really hate to be the nay sayer however... this guy really isn't all that interested. You are a convenient pass time, a boost to his ego, handy to have around until something better comes along. How do I know this? He contacts you when he is bored and gives you little notice. Try this for me. Next time say "oh sorry I am out tonight how about *insert alternative date*". I bet you he will be flakey about it and "checking his diary" or not sure... Please do not get excited about this one. He is not going to be marrying you.
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