Feeling rejected

[xxbelieverinlovexx]

Hello,

 

I am a 19 year old virgin.

 

An expat who lives in my country for about a year contacted me via a site (it was to exchange language) and in 3 days, we already felt a connection.. At the same time, we felt that we knew each other longer than just 3 days. I asked him why he was still single. He told me that it was hard to find a connection.

 

Eventually, I noticed that he was starting to be more flirtatious.. and we met up after 3 weeks.. had a nice dinner. He was very touchy feely during the date, but not in an intimidating way.

 

He confessed to me that he lied about his age. He said to me the 1st day of texting that he was 33, but he was 38. He told me that he lied because he thought that I didnt want to talk with him anymore if he told me his real age.

 

After that, we met again. At his home. Which ended in long make out sessions. I stopped him from taking it further with me. He told me he would like to sleep with me sometime. He wanted to take pictures with me. I didnt want to. He forced me (lol)

 

He called me the day after.. asking me how I was doing. I Told him the day after that we went too far and that we needed to slow down. He responded bad saying: ok then let's give each other some space until .... time.

I freaked out... texted him and explaining that I still wanted to hang out with him and that I liked the making out. He said that he understood it and he doesnt want to take advantage of my age. And that he just thought that because of the chemistry we had, it would go further than just making out. And that we have an age difference which can lead to these situations.

 

After that we were cool again. He went on his business trip for a week. We flirted a lot again.. I confessed to him that I was a virgin.. he told me 'ooops... well thats makes things even more difficult'. I said that he could think about it.. He said: 'No need to think about it '.

 

When he came back we had dinner at a restaurant for a second time. Then we went to his house (I requested to chill @ his house... he didnt come up with the idea). We had a nice time.. He was very enthousiast: telling me that he was going to tell one of his best friend (he was leaving the day after to the country were he grew up and lived until he was about 32 for a small vacation) that he met such a nice girl (me of course ).

 

Unfortunately, he told me that there was a big age difference between us, which would make it hard for us to have a serious relationship, but he would still like to date with me because he liked being with me. Eventually we ended up in bed. Had an amazing time . We didn't have sex. He didn't force it on me either. Only at the hottest time of the moment he asked if he should get a condom. I said no. And he agreed. He told me in bed that he wanted to 'become one with me', which was weird because it was the exact feeling I had. When there was a bit of distance between us in the bed (we were already sleeping) he said: where is my xxbelieveirinlovexx' ? And he told me to come closer so that we could spoon again . We woke up together smiling to each other, talked for 2 hours.. Kissed a little bit more. It was just a really good morning.

 

Well. the exception was that there was a certain singer and he told me that she is so beautiful and so hot.. well.. i am still recovering from that trauma (freaking disrespectful), but didnt react negatively because i didnt want to ruin the good mood we were in. He took pictures of me. Telling me he liked me in his shirt.. And that he would keep the pics for himself.

 

We left because he had to catch his flight. He said that he didnt think that we went too far in the bed. He told me that it would be better if we would sleep longer and chilled in the house during the day too. He told me that we should sleep more. But after he was in his country.. after 2 days he started to act more distant.

 

I knew there was something that was wrong. Eventually we met up after he was back in my country. He told me that he thought about us in his country. He told me that he had spoken to his ex gf which he had not spoken in 2 years (they were on and off dating for 4 years.. he broke her heart by breaking up because he wasnt in love with her) and because of that conversation with his ex he realised that he didn't want to break my heart either.

 

He told me we shouldn't touch each other any more because he is too old and too busy ( every month he is always at least 1 week out of the country, and during this time 2-3 weeks was normal). He told me that he didn't want to hurt me in the future. He didnt want to be my first. And he was scared of the implications of dating more (angry parents from my side, maybe me taking revenge if he broke up by screwing his reputation by telling everyone that he is a bad man and that he used me, his friends responding negative etc etc).

He said that he cant be in a relationship because he is just too busy with his job. He told me that he wants to be a 'new single' which is a single happy person who has a high status job. Which was weird, because he dated a woman before me, and that didnt work out because she had family issues (he didnt seem to mind that much btw)

 

Eventually we hit it off again.. and it felt we were dating again. We made out, we laughed, we slept together. But this time he refused to have sex with me, while I asked for it. When we eventually slept, there wasnt the same spark as the first time in bed. There was a distance. He didnt want me to touch his *** in the morning so I thought that he rejected me. He even gave me a shirt of his to wear. I felt REALLY rejected after that.

 

Eventually I woke up. He didn't leave the house which was a big thing, because he is a workaholic and was too late to show up at his work. He kissed me on the cheek a few times, made me some tea. But still: i felt so empty and used. He was working via his computer. I said bye.. I thought he didnt hear me. Then i walked to the door, I opened the door, he followed me.. he said bye.. no hug, no kiss , nothing.

 

Eventually a few hours laters, he texted me asking me why i left the house like that. I told him that i thought that he wanted me to leave asap.. he said: Not really... From then on.. I was trying to forget about the whole dating period. i was trying to build a normal friendship with him again. He distanced himself more and more.

 

I called him after 1 month not speaking.. Asking him why he acted like this and I asked him for the TRUTH. He gave me a stupid excuse (telling me that I was agressive.. thats another story btw hahaha) . I couldnt believe that that was the reason and asked him the real reason another time.. but he stayed with that reason.

 

Ok..after a few more failed convo's .. 1 phone call were we talked for about 20 min.. but he was 'tired'.. I just asked him to meet up again. I asked him this soon after our 'break up' too, and he was in for it. This time he didnt respond.

 

1 Day later i confronted him.. telling him that i expected honesty from him, cause he told me before that if he didnt want to meet up with someone, he would just say it to the person. Well.. he said that he preferred not talking more.. we should give each other some space.. I am a beautiful girl.. he enjoyed spending time with me and talking with me.. but he is too old and too busy.

 

This happened 2 months ago. And I still dream and think about him every single day. I dont have many friends, and he came into my life at a moment that i was really alone. I know i should be recovered from this.. but i still have feelings for him. I still dream about us dating. Or at least: being friends again. I still want to contact him. Do you think this is possible? Of course: I will give it some time.. and wait more months .. but was that last convo a goodbye or a 'see you sometime again?' Did he use me? Pfff.. I just want to know your thoughts. I am very insecure and this whole thing just made me more insecure about men. Thank you in advance

Edited June 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[bummer]

I think you both had an interesting romance and he's aware of his potential role and dynamic with a younger impressionable girl who may get attached. He wants his freedom. He is doing right by you by helping to end it. You should respect what happened and work on finding friends yiur own age and cultivate healthy dating relationships with men who are truly available to you.

[xxbelieverinlovexx]

I think you both had an interesting romance and he's aware of his potential role and dynamic with a younger impressionable girl who may get attached. He wants his freedom. He is doing right by you by helping to end it. You should respect what happened and work on finding friends yiur own age and cultivate healthy dating relationships with men who are truly available to you.

 

Thank you for your response! I cried when i read your message tho. You say that i should respect what happened, but now i just feel used ... And that our short friendship didn't mean anything to him. I feel so stupid for flirting with him..If i could turn back the time i would have just kept my cool and just 'be friends'. You said that he wants his freedom, but he told me that living together with a girl was on his wish list. I just dont understand it. He travels to asia at least once a month.. He has money and good looks. He could hook up with any girl if he wanted to, especially as a white man in asia. Why would he try dating me if i am just a slightly above average (i wear make up) black girl. if he only wanted to have sex, why didnt he just dump me immediately after i told him i was a virgin and wanted to wait for a serious relationship?!

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry that you feel used and rejected. But, I think it's for the best that the relationship ends now... It's sounds very unhealthy. Many, many red flags that make this relationship very dangerous for you. Be glad that nothing happened. Take care.

[xxbelieverinlovexx]

I'm so sorry that you feel used and rejected. But, I think it's for the best that the relationship ends now... It's sounds very unhealthy. Many, many red flags that make this relationship very dangerous for you. Be glad that nothing happened. Take care.

 

Hi bailey, to be honest: i dont see any red flags. Yes the age difference is very big, but sometimes connections happen with people

You maybe dont want to normally have a connection with

[BaileyB]

With all due respect, you are very young and you have little experience with relationships. When I read your post, it felt to me like he was grooming you in much the same way a child abuser grooms a potential victim. You may not see it, but it is not really healthy for a man of that age to want a relationship with someone so young and inexperienced. Maybe I'm wrong because I don't know the situation, but the fact that he took steps to have you trust him, told you he wanted to take pictures of you and sleep with you... It's very disturbing to me.

[smackie9]

You don't really know this guy. He could very well be hooking up with other women on these business trips. He realized you were too much of a responsibility. Not all guys want to deflower a virgin. Plus he saw you getting way too attached, and had to back off. He didn't want the drama. He obviously was looking for someone who was experienced with sex and relationships. He was on the fence for awhile but thought better of it. No he didn't use you. People will date for a bit to see if they want to take it to the next level, but it doesn't always happen and they don't want to continue. Just the way it is....it wasn't meant to be. Now it's time to move on.

[ChickiePops]

Honestly I think that 19 year old virgins sound great to men in theory, but when they're faced with the reality of dealing with a teenager (not blaming you..you ARE a teenager and you have every right to act like one), it's just not that appealing.

 

The old cliche that age difference matters less as you get older is actually true. He was just too old for you. I think you should have fun and date guys your own age for a while before you try an older man again.

 

Trust me, I have tons of experience with this!

 

You'll be ok..you just need some dating practice.

[xxbelieverinlovexx]

I am going to be honest: i hoped to see reactions like: 'he wanted to be with you but couldnt because he was scared of the implications of a possible relationship with such a young girl'. But i got the complete opposite. I feel stupid, and i am even more insecure about me as a person now. Yes you are right poster before me, i was clingy. Asking him if he was using me... Telling him that If we date more things have to be exclusive. I feel like a loser. Like this is a missed oppurtunity for getting in a relationship with an exotic rich man who travels a lot. Yes this sounds bad... But any girl would like to have a george clooney kind of man who can treat you like a princess and show you the world. I feel stupid for still wanting to be his friend while he probably forgot my name already. Because when thinking about it... The underlaying reason to be his 'friend' is to actually date him again. But as a girl who Never has a click with any man or most people and then all of a sudden this man comes into the picture, it is hard to forget.

[BaileyB]

You should not feel stupid. Just take this as a learning experience. Please, work on developing more self confidence and try to build relationships with others your age... You are very young and you need to develop some more maturity before looking for a relationship. Mature girls know that a George Cloney man who will treat you like a princess is not real... But, building a healthy and loving relationship with a man can be so much better. You should not feel stupid, but you have much to learn about relationships. Learn from this experience!

[xxbelieverinlovexx]

Also i feel insecure about my personality. Why doesnt he want to be my friend? We started out as friends and dating was not his or my plan (if he wasnt grooming). We started the dating after we met for the first time.Yes we may not fit as a couple, but what the hell is wrong with being FRIENDS?!

[KatZee]

Also i feel insecure about my personality. Why doesnt he want to be my friend? We started out as friends and dating was not his or my plan (if he wasnt grooming). We started the dating after we met for the first time.Yes we may not fit as a couple, but what the hell is wrong with being FRIENDS?!

 

Men don't need female friends, that's why.

 

He knew he was going to try and get you in bed from the second he started talking to you (don't kid yourself that you were "only friends.")

 

He was sexual and open about it from day 1. He wanted sex, he wanted to hook up. He was never looking for a relationship with you, he was never going to be exclusive with you.

 

You were sort of a novelty, a good time. But then you started bringing the "drama."

 

You were a virgin. You wanted exclusivity. You were naggy and clingy like a girlfriend when you weren't. You displayed a lot of insecurity. All of these things turned him off, and what went from, "This is going to be a fun time!" turned into, "I need to get away from this."

 

Work on yourself. Develop your own confidence. Don't throw yourself at someone for attention or to feel wanted or needed just because you don't have many friends. Being 19 with not much dating experience is bound to get you caught up in bad situations. I remember being young, and naive, and falling for a lot of dumb crap. Take it as a huge learning experience.

[ChickiePops]

Men don't need female friends, that's why.

 

He knew he was going to try and get you in bed from the second he started talking to you (don't kid yourself that you were "only friends.")

 

He was sexual and open about it from day 1. He wanted sex, he wanted to hook up. He was never looking for a relationship with you, he was never going to be exclusive with you.

 

You were sort of a novelty, a good time. But then you started bringing the "drama."

 

You were a virgin. You wanted exclusivity. You were naggy and clingy like a girlfriend when you weren't. You displayed a lot of insecurity. All of these things turned him off, and what went from, "This is going to be a fun time!" turned into, "I need to get away from this."

 

Work on yourself. Develop your own confidence. Don't throw yourself at someone for attention or to feel wanted or needed just because you don't have many friends. Being 19 with not much dating experience is bound to get you caught up in bad situations. I remember being young, and naive, and falling for a lot of dumb crap. Take it as a huge learning experience.

 

This and also..it would be kind of creepy for him to be friends with someone who's young enough to be his daughter. I don't have any friends who are half my age...

[Zapbasket]

My dear...

 

Please believe me when I say that it is FOR THE BEST that this ends now. It's NOT healthy. Take this from someone, now aged 39, who when your age had numerous liaisons with men much older than she was (43, to whom I lost my virginity at age 22; 38, and 34). I am grateful for the experience, but looking back none of these liaisons were "right." I was always mature for my age in a lot of respects, while simultaneously very naive where men are concerned. I looked at guys my age when I was 19 and felt, "Ugh." But these older men--perfectly nice people, functioning fine in society--were kind-of "ick," too, in their interest in me. And I was very accomplished for my age, and attractive, and intelligent, and it wasn't out of the norm for me to attract men who were older, but I wish I'd known to protect myself from these liaisons; I wish I'd known that ultimately, there wasn't anything in it for me.

 

I look at your situation with this man, and I feel the same way on your behalf. this man is no George Clooney; he's someone who's drawn to the innocence and no-doubt simultaneous sophistication of this young woman and sounds like he realizes it's not entirely appropriate.

 

I'm at a loss for how exactly to explain this to you. Do you have older sisters, or a mom or aunt or female mentor who is older than you whom you trust? Ask her/them about it. It's not "dirty"; no one--especially you--has done anything wrong; it's just that THERE IS SO MUCH BETTER FOR YOU OUT THERE. Let this one go, and revel in being YOU, exactly where you are in life right now. Revel in the sexual power you exhibited by turning on this older man, and the things you learned in the sex department with him. Think of it like a...seminar in sex. Seminars always have to end so that you can go into the next class, graduate, graduate school, etc.... So let this one end.

 

Sorry if any of this was unclear.

[xxbelieverinlovexx]

Thank you all for your replies. I realised that i just need more friends. I am clinging on him because he was the only person that gave me the attention i wanted and needed. But not contacting him ever again sucks. I want to know if he ever gets married, if he ever gets children .

Edited June 6, 2016 by xxbelieverinlovexx

[bummer]

I am going to be honest: i hoped to see reactions like: 'he wanted to be with you but couldnt because he was scared of the implications of a possible relationship with such a young girl'. But i got the complete opposite. I feel stupid, and i am even more insecure about me as a person now.

 

This may be true he left out of fear of the implications to you, himself, society, his lifestyle, etc. So respect that he's gone. You are not stupid. You handled it maturely and the experience will serve You well. Try not to replicate this with more older men either. Stay In your age and maturity level to let yourself grow up organically like a 19 year old should. No hurry as George Clooneys are born every day and you'll find yours too.

 

You don't want to know any more about him, if he's married or not. Trust all of us that you will sabotage any and all future relationships if you don't go full NC with him and avoid any contact, news, pictures, etc about him. Accept your romance as a neat story and experience.

 

Work on finding and harbouring friendships now. Date when it feels right. You know right and wrong. Respect your boundaries.

[xxbelieverinlovexx]

This may be true he left out of fear of the implications to you, himself, society, his lifestyle, etc. So respect that he's gone. You are not stupid. You handled it maturely and the experience will serve You well. Try not to replicate this with more older men either. Stay In your age and maturity level to let yourself grow up organically like a 19 year old should. No hurry as George Clooneys are born every day and you'll find yours too.

 

You don't want to know any more about him, if he's married or not. Trust all of us that you will sabotage any and all future relationships if you don't go full NC with him and avoid any contact, news, pictures, etc about him. Accept your romance as a neat story and experience.

 

Work on finding and harbouring friendships now. Date when it feels right. You know right and wrong. Respect your boundaries.

What do you mean by sabotaging future relationships? the thing is: I ONLY attract older men. And I am only attracted to men, not boys of my age who aren't serious :/

[xxbelieverinlovexx]

deleted mistake ... i am sorry

[kendahke]

I am clinging on him because he was the only person that gave me the attention i wanted and needed.( .

 

Exactly of what does this attention that you want and need so badly consist?

 

I'm curious as to what form it must present itself for you not to put yourself in emotionally precarious situations with pedophiles?

[xxbelieverinlovexx]

Exactly of what does this attention that you want and need so badly consist?

 

I'm curious as to what form it must present itself for you not to put yourself in emotionally precarious situations with pedophiles?

 

I dont have many friends. I only have 1 friend i see regularly, which is the man I dated. I want to feel loved.. I want to feel that someone wants me in his/her presence. It doesn't have to be a man... Actually.. I'd rather have a few close female friends. But because its so hard for me to get friends.. I rather hang out with pedophiles.. than be alone. I am 20 now.. I want to live the fun life other people of my age are living.

[kendahke]

Listen to yourself:

 

I rather hang out with pedophiles.. than be alone.

 

That is really a sad statement.

[Zahara]

I rather hang out with pedophiles.. than be alone.

 

I can't even. Speechless.

[xxbelieverinlovexx]

Listen to yourself:

 

 

 

That is really a sad statement.

 

 

Of course, when I meant 'pedophiles' i meant these 2 men... not literal pedophiles who get horny over little children.