Two years and I still can't forget

[david012014]

Hey.

Thank for taking the time to readd my post. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated.

I guess the easiest way to put this is its been almost 2 years now since I split up with my ex and I still can't forget about her and move on properly.

It was only a short relationship but I truly loved her with all my heart. She meant everything to me and was everything I ever wanted in life.

It was only a short relationship but very intense. I won't go into all the minor details but she crushed me when we broke up and made me feel completely worthless and insignificant. Even to the point I suffered from severe depression.

I am a lot better now and have improved my life with a new job, new flat, dog that I love. But, every hour or every day I still think about her, the relationship I have lost and how happy I was back then and just crave for that happiness to return.

I have met lots of girls since and had brief spells of dating them but have not really allowed it to develop further. Maybe because I am scared of getting hurt again, but also because I cannot stop comparing it to my last relationship and being negative about how it doesn't make me happy like the one I had with my ex.

The constant thinking, comparing, and idolising over my ex and the relationship / happiness I had before is driving me mad and I honestly have no idea how I will ever truly be able to get over it and move on I guess.

I worry that it I'll always hold me back from being happy again which I know I deserve to be as I did absolutely nothing wrong.

[basil67]

>>she crushed me when we broke up and made me feel completely worthless and insignificant.<<

 

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that the reason you can't move on is because you're blaming her for the fact that you feel worthless and insignificant. I read your previous post and noticed that you asked her 'not to break your heart'. This is another example of you placing all responsibility for your own mental health in her hands.

 

Frankly, if you're in an emotional place where you have to ask someone to not break your heart, then you aren't in a good place for dating at all. Seriously, how is a person supposed to stay true to a promise like this? Do you expect them to never leave you against your will?

 

It's time to step up and realise that YOU are the one who's responsible for your self esteem. Nobody can take away your self esteem unless you allow it. It's not her fault that you feel how you do.

 

I suggest you start reading up on how to build resilience. The ability to bounce back is one of the cornerstones of a successful life.

Edited May 18, 2016 by basil67

[Magikrish]

David

Read your note... listen I really know how you feel.. think you are worth... just ignore the thoughts .. you have mentioned you got a new job.. just focus on that.. the same situation iam right now... but I don't have a job...so I don't have any other thing to concentrate except thinking about her.. thank God.. he has given some deviation.. utilise wise...make her turn back seeing you grow ..sad part is my girl left me for some one.. since I am a lesbian.. but enjoyed her life to the core with me..

[Magikrish]

My dark Side: Season 1 Episode 7

 

Read the blog

[BC1980]

How long have you been NC? That includes social media.

[david012014]

Hi Basil67.

 

Thank you for your reply and advice.

 

I know I do need to worth on my own self worth etc but I don't feel I am blaming my ex for my mental health problems.

 

What effects me the most from what happened with my ex was how it all ended. To go from one min both loving each other to tell next someone saying they never loved you, was always thinking of their ex and in love with their ex, they used you for love, attention and affection. I think that would effect even the strongest of people?

 

Added to the problem is that i am the type of person that very rarely opens up and let's people in. So to have totally let my guard down to this lady and loved her unquestionably, and then for the above to happen, obviously is a hard pill to swallow.

 

I just want to find a way to move on and stop tormenting myself I guess. It eats me up from the inside constantly thinking about her and it all and wishing for something I know will never be again. I fully accept and understand it is all in my head, this is what I am asking for help in dealing with.

[david012014]

Hi BC1980.

 

Have been NC for well over a year now.

But tbh the contact we had before that was never on a friendly or pleasant basis to say the least.

[Leigh 87]

Wait until you find a girl who you fall just as hard for.

 

That method works well for me.

 

It is supposed to take years to find another partner with whom you are just as head over heels for as the last one....

 

She doesn't want to be with you so just remember that! Always!

[BelleSkye]

Hi Basil67.

 

Thank you for your reply and advice.

 

I know I do need to worth on my own self worth etc but I don't feel I am blaming my ex for my mental health problems.

 

What effects me the most from what happened with my ex was how it all ended. To go from one min both loving each other to tell next someone saying they never loved you, was always thinking of their ex and in love with their ex, they used you for love, attention and affection. I think that would effect even the strongest of people?

 

Added to the problem is that i am the type of person that very rarely opens up and let's people in. So to have totally let my guard down to this lady and loved her unquestionably, and then for the above to happen, obviously is a hard pill to swallow.

 

I just want to find a way to move on and stop tormenting myself I guess. It eats me up from the inside constantly thinking about her and it all and wishing for something I know will never be again. I fully accept and understand it is all in my head, this is what I am asking for help in dealing with.

 

I don't have an answer for you other than I'm praying that things get better for you.

[Leigh 87]

Hi Basil67.

 

Thank you for your reply and advice.

 

I know I do need to worth on my own self worth etc but I don't feel I am blaming my ex for my mental health problems.

 

What effects me the most from what happened with my ex was how it all ended. To go from one min both loving each other to tell next someone saying they never loved you, was always thinking of their ex and in love with their ex, they used you for love, attention and affection. I think that would effect even the strongest of people?

 

Added to the problem is that i am the type of person that very rarely opens up and let's people in. So to have totally let my guard down to this lady and loved her unquestionably, and then for the above to happen, obviously is a hard pill to swallow.

 

I just want to find a way to move on and stop tormenting myself I guess. It eats me up from the inside constantly thinking about her and it all and wishing for something I know will never be again. I fully accept and understand it is all in my head, this is what I am asking for help in dealing with.

 

 

 

I was this girl.

 

I inadvertently, used my ex for attention and love that I felt unworthy of at the time.

 

There WAS an initial spark. I DID think him and I WERE legit. I really did. I would NEVE have known that I would suddenly loose all desire for him, or that I got together with him when I was just plain looking for it - yes we should always be proactive in our dating lives but we cannot be DESPERATE for it to happen right away - that gets you into relationships for the wrong reasons 100% of the time.

 

My ex was crushed. Beyond crushed. He thought I was the one he was going to marry ( no I am not gorgeous or " all that", but he really did want that with me). It was awful - the difference was, he moved on fast... Because he HATED me. He was in such pain that he deluded himself and made himself believe that I cheated on him - so that way he could move on. He simply couldn't accept that I was never that into him aside from the initial first month or so of dating.

 

SO yes it does happen - perfectly good women ( I Am a decent person), will use men for companionship sex and company - or because they are jealous that one of their friends has a great love story going on I personally, did NOT do this on purpose! It was NOT intentional! And in fact, I genuinely thought I WAS into the guy for a good month or two in.I went from being attracted to him, to looking back and not ... wait... RECOILING with disgust at the thought of being intimate with him- THAT is how much feelings can "change". Other jerks of my past I still look back and can remember the chemistry and look back fondly - with this one particular ex, there is NOTHING. I do not see how I was ever into him on that level. Hence this is how I know that I must have just been desperate to find my own love story.

 

I felt absolutely shattered. When I had to hurt this guy....he stopped eating.. lost loads of weight.... HATED my guts.....It was awful...He grieved the loss as though someone had died!

 

... Any chance you can hate her? LOL - it helped my ex get over me! He hates me with a passion and is CONCINVCED that I am the most awful person on the planet!

[keiji]

Hi Basil67.

 

Thank you for your reply and advice.

 

I know I do need to worth on my own self worth etc but I don't feel I am blaming my ex for my mental health problems.

 

What effects me the most from what happened with my ex was how it all ended. To go from one min both loving each other to tell next someone saying they never loved you, was always thinking of their ex and in love with their ex, they used you for love, attention and affection. I think that would effect even the strongest of people?

 

Added to the problem is that i am the type of person that very rarely opens up and let's people in. So to have totally let my guard down to this lady and loved her unquestionably, and then for the above to happen, obviously is a hard pill to swallow.

 

I just want to find a way to move on and stop tormenting myself I guess. It eats me up from the inside constantly thinking about her and it all and wishing for something I know will never be again. I fully accept and understand it is all in my head, this is what I am asking for help in dealing with.

 

Hey David, I'm sorry you're feeling like that. It's normal to have a period of mourning, even a relatively long one, but I think two years is too much. After an incredibly toxic relationship that followed a nasty divorce, I found myself grieving for months on end, not improving much, and I decided to start therapy. Have you tried it? I'm sure a therapist can give you some tools to deal with that feeling of betrayal and take her off her pedestal, and also some interesting insights as to why you're not dealing with this properly. Knowing yourself more in-depth based on an outsider's professional perspective is a very important step towards getting out of a dark place that all of us here know very well.

 

So I'd suggest you to do that and stop dating for a while too. If you're putting a large portion of your hopes of recovery on meeting someone that replaces her, you're bound to fail. I think you're idealizing her to such an extent that anyone you meet will be disappointing in comparison, and you're probably missing great opportunities because you're simply not ready.