carlosevenos Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 Hey guys, just thought I'd try and come here for some moral support, as feeling pretty low at the moment. My relationship of 3 years has ended. I'm 29 tomorrow, and I just feel a bit loss. I met this woman that I was in a relationship with. She is 43 years old, so there was a big age gap going, but I love/loved her very much and I'm just all around gutted about what happened. We seemed to have an amazing relationship, and I think at one point she must have loved me. However things all changed a month ago. She just sat me down and told me that she juist doesn't feel the same anymore. I asked her to reconsider, so I moved out of the flat for 2 weeks, to think things through. I met her two weeks later and she told me that it was definately over. It broke my heart so much, because it came out of nowhere really, and she didn't give me a chance to make things improve. It's my 29th birthday tomorrow and if she doesn't text me I think it will get to me in a big way. However what I saw a couple weeks later, will haunt me for a long time. I bumped into her on a night out and she told me that she was with someone else. This destroyed me to think that she would leave me for someone else, and to think that potentially she was cheating weeks before. She told me that even though I won't believe her that she only just started seeing him. I just feel like I've been replaced for a better alternative and it just is hard to take. Due to the age gap of 14 years, she always had a problem with it, I know. She would always be insecure about it, and I feel as if her son (22) having a baby, and thus making her a grandma a couple months earlier, made her have doubts. I also made lots of mistakes over the years, and I think I just kind of chipped away at her. She hasn't contacted me at all since, even though I said that we can give things another go, if she wants to see me again. It's difficult as we used to text all day everyday and see eachother every day for 3 years. It just went from all that to nothing. It's my 29th birthday tomorrow and I know if she doesn't text me happy birthday, I'll be crushed. It just saddens me how she can throw me away so easy for someone else, and now I mean nothing to her. I need to try and be positive about it, and I've been gym every day for like a months and lost like 16 pounds, but I still can't get rid of this feeling of rejection and comparing myself to this image that I imagine of this new guy being better than me in every way. She was my first and only girlfriend, and I truly loved her, and find it hard to think I'll ever find someone like her again. It took me years to get my first girlfriend and I fear that It'll be another decade. I just think that I'm not good looking enough and that I'm not attracted, even though my friends don't think I have anything to worry about. I just need some encouragement. I tried only dating for a few weeks, but all the attractive ones won't respond to my messages, which is another bit of rejection, but some girls messaged me first, but they were'nt great looking. Anyway I don't know really why I'm writing this, but It's just a hard time for me. Has anyone else got any stories that they can share and how they got through this? Any advice that you can give me. I can add more details about the relationship. thanks
hunk Posted May 19, 2016 Posted May 19, 2016 (edited) This is the timeline of your relationship and why it ended. After this i'm going to give you the best advice I can possibly give anyone. - You first get together, sparks fly, she's super into you because you're young, cool, have your **** together and a breath of fresh air. She is a 40 year old woman enjoying a younger man - You get comfortable as the relationship progresses. Things become routine. Things slowly become predictable. Your faults and insecurities start to leak through, although you aren't aware of it. It becomes increasingly obvious to her this is your first relationship. To you, everything seems good, this is just comfortable and how a relationship is meant to be. You fall in love with her. - Attraction starts to fade on her end as she realizes you are still the nice guy she first was into, but you are not fulfilling your role in the relationship. You aren't leading her or assuming the role of the strong male figure in your relationship. Your inexperience in relationships and understanding of male-female dynamic is crippling the attraction and necessary chemistry. She starts getting angry at you but she doesn't understand why. She's is pissed off at the entire situation and that she isn't feeling the same for you, because it's hard for her to feel this way aswell. She is miserable. You are still going through the motions and thinking things are ok. Her grieving process starts now and ends relatively quickly. - You start noticing she is more distant than usual. You start showering her with affection every now and then, spoiling her, panicking because she seems withdrawn. This turns her off even more, she distances herself from you even more. At this point, in her mind, she is checking out completely and looking elsewhere. Sex is at a minimal if any. Other men are on her radar. - At this point she's completely emotionally detached from you and is ready to swing to the next guy who seems to be a stronger match. You are still in the fog thinking you can fix things. It's months too late, she's completely done. Anything you do at this point, any gestures and proclamations of love mean nothing and repulse her. She has made up her mind you aren't a strong enough partner and she's moved on. The thought of sleeping with you is disgusting. - She has totally detached and moved on while the grieving process begins for you. You still think you can "fix things". Alright, i'm gonna go heavy on you here. But please stay with me. This is invaluable information. This was your first relationship. You were over-invested. You didn't understand your role within this relationship. You put her on a pedestal, idealized her and let yourself fade away. This is normal and happens to most men. It takes these relationships to eventually learn and build yourself from. Now this is the cold reality. This was not her first relationship. She is 43 and has been around the block. She's slept with a variety of men. While you feel you gave her "everything" - this isn't what she wanted. She wanted a strong, masculine partner to lead her and make her feel wanted and sexually attractive. She became bored because you stopped providing the necessary feelings to keep her invested in you. Your relationship probably devolved into more of a weird, platonic "friends" sort of arrangement towards the end of it. This new guy could be a complete drop kick, drug addict, poor loser. If he gives her the feelings of excitement, security (sexual) and lust that she fundamentally operates on, and he LEADS her, she will go absolutely mental over him. This is why women cheat on husbands of 20+ years, why women cheat on seemingly "perfect men" with absolute flops. It's also why you can't understand how she could leave such a seemingly good relationship. Women NEED their man to assume their role as a male and they NEED to be lead, in the same way we need our woman to take care of herself physically and portray nurturing, feminine traits. It is biology. Familiarity and comfort breeds contempt. Unfortunately it is in our biology as men to seek stability and comfort with our partner. We become complacent when we do so. Women don't look for this and they are repulsed by this. They need emotional stimulation, drama, they need to feel wanted and they also need to feel as if they have chosen the right mate - and that means you need to be constantly displaying your worth as a mate. Men and women are biologically different. To have a successful relationship with any woman you need to understand this, and you need to understand you have a role in all of your relationships. I learned this the hard way, when i joined this site back in 2011. Like you I had no idea what I was doing. No clue. I thought relationships just "happened" and things just worked out - that a woman would just love me unconditionally no matter how I behaved. I'm approaching 1 year with my new girlfriend and it's the most positive relationship with a female i've ever experienced. It's beautiful. I lead the relationship and she adores me for it, I get 100% of her femininity and care - as opposed to my old relationships where I thought of us both as "equal playing partners" - these women ended up despising me. We have fun, there is no routine and nothing is mundane. This is because I am not invested in any way in her. I love her, respect her and care for her deeply - however I am not invested in her. I have my own life, separate from her. This keeps the dynamic even and healthy. You will be fine. If you see this as an opportunity to learn, to realize the dating world isn't the way you've been conditioned to believe it is. Learn from this. Build yourself, go to the gym, love yourself, sort out your finances, take up some interesting hobbies and fill your time with productivity. Watch your confidence grow and embrace yourself as a man. Only then will you be able to give a woman the relationship you and her both want. Otherwise I guarantee this will be the story of your relationships, over and over again, as it is for 99% of men who refuse to better themselves and believe that they are owed a relationship simply because they've been lied to by society and told "oh no, you're fine. someone will love you just for you". Most men live their entire lives being chewed up and spat out by women and never understanding why. They fail over and over again in dating and chalk it up to women being evil. They then check out entirely, and blame women. Finally - your gut feeling that tells you something is "off" about relationships and dating is right. It's because it's all BS. Biology is all that matters and it dictates everything. If you can work with biology - you will be a happy, happy man and you will be surrounded by happy women. Please take something from this, and chin up. You will be totally, totally fine. Edited May 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T
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