I feel "meh" about the guy I'm seeing?

[Katie3]

I've been seeing this guy (non exclusively yet) for a month and a half. I'm in my mid 20s, he's in his early 30s. Shortly before we started going out, he had an accident while on holiday and that's basically rendered him unable to go back to work until healed (his job is very physical).

 

We had an argument pretty early on, and I didn't really realize it at the time but I think it affected the way my feelings for him have developed.

 

We slept together, once, a few weeks ago. This is only the second sexual partner I've ever had in my life, and my reaction the next day was "oh s*it. What did I just do? I basically slept with a stranger." Since then we haven't, and I don't feel ready (even though he has been tested, and I've been on contraceptives for years).

 

Lately I just feel very "meh" about him. And I'm trying to figure out if I should end it. He went on a week long trip, during which I didn't hear from him for a few days, and that's basically when this feeling started. He didn't call me til he was home, and in his driveway (like you drove 12 hours--you didn't think of me at all until you were home, bored?).

 

The other thing that bothers me is I feel like we've rarely been on a date that doesn't involve hanging out at his place. I just counted in my head, and we've gone out for drinks 6 times and dinner 3 times in the month and a half we've been seeing each other. Everything else has been him expecting me to drive all the way over to his house, and hang out with him there. He kind of made me dinner earlier this week, at his house. I'm torn. I'm torn between wondering if he's trying to save money, because of the injury and me being understanding, and then on the other hand...me thinking he just wants me at his house because it's cheap and low key and close to his bedroom in the off chance I might be down for sex.

I try not to be too old fashioned, but I just realized in the time we've been together, he's driven me somewhere ONCE. Only so I didn't have to take a cab, at 4 in the morning. He's never picked me up. Ever. No guy I've dated has been this way.

 

He says things like "I enjoy being with you and I'd like to see if this goes somewhere" but there's this weird vagueness to it, like he doesn't want me to date anyone else, but won't really ask me to be exclusive or his girlfriend either.

 

I don't dislike him, but I feel "meh". I don't want to be exclusive with him yet even if we do keep seeing each other, and I don't want to sleep together again unless we do end up exclusive first (I know he's not seeing anyone else, but that's not the point). I generally feel pretty "meh" or so so about men in general in the last years, so I'm not sure if I own the problem here or if this is just glaringly obvious I need to go my separate way from this guy.

Edited May 18, 2016 by Katie3

[No_Go]

I generally feel pretty "meh" or so so about men in general in the last years - < this makes me think it is not him. Did you have bad experiences before him? Was the sex with your ex more regular? Do you have regligious or other inhibitions in that respect?

 

Maybe he's still healing from his injury? And that's why he prefers to stay home?

 

But still 9 dates out in 6 weeks is not too little, I think more that one date out a week is towards the higher end on the spectrum, I personally don't handle well such a high frequency (my BF tested my boundaries by asking me out initially twice or more a week - result: i just couldn't find enough time to talk and get to know hm, we were always rushing somewhere).

[BlueIris]

He says things like "I enjoy being with you and I'd like to see if this goes somewhere" but there's this weird vagueness to it, like he doesn't want me to date anyone else, but won't really ask me to be exclusive or his girlfriend either.

 

I don't dislike him, but I feel "meh". I don't want to be exclusive with him yet even if we do keep seeing each other, and I don't want to sleep together again unless we do end up exclusive first (I know he's not seeing anyone else, but that's not the point). I generally feel pretty "meh" or so so about men in general in the last years, so I'm not sure if I own the problem here or if this is just glaringly obvious I need to go my separate way from this guy.

 

He sounds "meh" about it too so this doesn't sound fun at all. I'd stop dating him. If you're not exclusive and invested, I wouldn't even call it a break-up really, just a decision that you're not a match.

[Katie3]

I generally feel pretty "meh" or so so about men in general in the last years - < this makes me think it is not him. Did you have bad experiences before him? Was the sex with your ex more regular? Do you have regligious or other inhibitions in that respect?

 

Maybe he's still healing from his injury? And that's why he prefers to stay home?

 

But still 9 dates out in 6 weeks is not too little, I think more that one date out a week is towards the higher end on the spectrum, I personally don't handle well such a high frequency (my BF tested my boundaries by asking me out initially twice or more a week - result: i just couldn't find enough time to talk and get to know hm, we were always rushing somewhere).

 

I got physically (not sexually) assaulted in college, by the boyfriend who was my first sexual partner. But it was a long time ago at this point. I don't think that's it. I went through a lot of therapy after and feel pretty solid. I'm physically attracted to males, but it's Like emotionally I now have a hard time getting and or staying attached with the exception of ONE guy from about 1.5 years ago.

 

I was raised devoutly religious by parents that definitely subscribe to the "not worth as much if you sleep with anyone before you're married" logic, but I don't feel that way.

I do however feel like men still judge women on their numbers, and I just gave up my #2 to a guy who doesn't really care.

 

He is still healing essentially. He's been cleared to go back to work but doesn't want to for another month. He doesn't like what he does, but he won't go back to school to change it, either.

 

I'm not the greatest person in the world, but I'm half way through my masters while also working full time and giving each day 110% of my energy. It frustrates me to see someone with big dreams and the brain to actualize them not attempt to. He's been sitting for months. He could have taken an online class even.

 

I feel like a big part of the thrill for him is I'm young and fit and attractive, and he's in his 30s. Not that I'm me, just that I'm novel because I'm young and virginal.

Additionally, he's been with like everyone. Which I don't judge, but we can be having a conversation about a topic, and he'll be like "oh I once dated an astronaut (I'm exaggerating but you get it)." Which really just means they went out 3 times and had sex. It's like nothing about me is really special.

[preraph]

You don't be exclusive with "meh." You can see him if you want to or when you want sex if you want to. You don't have to do whatever he says. You can say no to hanging out if you're not in the mood. You can refuse a date sometime because you are "already busy." And you can keep dating around as long as you don't conceal that from him. If it's getting too boring or if you think he's getting too emotional compared to your feelings, then cutting it off sooner than later is more humane.

[Versacehottie]

From what you wrote here, he is a lazy dater and you two don't have much of a connection maybe besides attraction to each other, which doesn't sound too great either. TBH, I was bored hearing about it--meaning I felt meh about it too. My quick opinion is that you should break it off and date others for a wider variety of experiences and believe me when you feel a real spark with someone, you won't even have to ask this question. Good luck

[smackie9]

You don't need excuses to stop seeing someone. He doesn't fulfill your expectations so what are you waiting for????

[Katie3]

One other peeve story that again, I don't know if this is me being a jerk or if I feel weird for a reason: I was talking to him on the phone last night and said something about how I have chicken breasts in the fridge I need to cook (like on the verge of going bad--this is my brain, even trying to relax I'm thinking of things I need to do). He goes, "I know! You can bring them over after work tomorrow! We'll make them for dinner and watch a movie!" On one hand, some part of me says that I'm suppose to go "aww, we'll make dinner together and watch a movie. Like a date night." And the other part of me says...He wants me to do this so he doesn't have to buy groceries to feed himself dinner, and we'll watch some torrented movie. Basically, I'm expected to drive home after work, get my own food, drive it all the way to his house, cook it, and watch a movie and it's suppose to make me happy?

 

Do I have a right for feeling weird about the above story? Would anyone else?

[joseb]

Maybe you should have invited him over for dinner. You say it is usually you driving. Is that because you never invite him over?

 

Sounds like you are just not into him. No crime in that.

If you are not, then break up. You don't need to justify it.

[normal person]

You don't need excuses to stop seeing someone. He doesn't fulfill your expectations so what are you waiting for????

 

Exactly.

 

You have a lot of problems with the guy and pretty much nothing good to say about him. Why waste your time when you can go out with someone who you actually get excited about seeing? Who gets the same feeling about you? If you've only been seeing him a few months and you already both feel more or less indifferent about each other, what's the point? Are you expecting things to get magically better at some point?

[Versacehottie]

One other peeve story that again, I don't know if this is me being a jerk or if I feel weird for a reason: I was talking to him on the phone last night and said something about how I have chicken breasts in the fridge I need to cook (like on the verge of going bad--this is my brain, even trying to relax I'm thinking of things I need to do). He goes, "I know! You can bring them over after work tomorrow! We'll make them for dinner and watch a movie!" On one hand, some part of me says that I'm suppose to go "aww, we'll make dinner together and watch a movie. Like a date night." And the other part of me says...He wants me to do this so he doesn't have to buy groceries to feed himself dinner, and we'll watch some torrented movie. Basically, I'm expected to drive home after work, get my own food, drive it all the way to his house, cook it, and watch a movie and it's suppose to make me happy?

 

Do I have a right for feeling weird about the above story? Would anyone else?

 

see lazy^^^^^^^^ i'm bored as F by this guy.

 

It seems as if you have found yourself in an insta-relationship. If you are annoyed, it's because you know there is not enough of a connection built up for this to be ok--by your standards. Thus incompatible. I wouldn't waste another minute.

[No_Go]

Don't underestimate the effects from physical violence - experienced it myself, and i'm ok, except have some trust issues occasionally (when I'm getting close to someone). Also the religious upbringing: I haven't experienced that but I've seen how people react differently to sex/sexual stuff, even if they don't accept the conservative morals themselves. E.g.this "I just gave up my #2 to a guy who doesn't really care." sounds atypical to me - I also have had only 3 partners, but never felt like 'giving' something to any of them, just a mutually desired activity.

 

It frustrates me to see someone with big dreams and the brain to actualize them not attempt to. - that's big, I feel the same way. Consider though if his physical AND mental state is good enough - one month really won't make a difference in his overall career path and may help him healing faster.

 

In any case - I get the feeling you're frustrated with him because he didn't give you signs he likes you enough. I think this is not necessarily a bad thing - he could just be a less 'exciting' type, less of a player. This type works better for LTR in my experience. The high-on-emotion relationships burn fast often, and also - sometimes indicate attempts for manipulation. My second bf made me move in with him in 4 weeks - just to suck my bank account, I realized how broke he is after we signed a lease and I was paying ALL the bills, rent etc. But this guy was coming very strong initially - well, now I know why ...

 

See what relationship goals and prospects are and make your decision - you don't need to keep dating him, if he's bothering you - you can just say you enjoyed your time together and break it (I think under 2 months you can even just do it over the phone...)

 

I got physically (not sexually) assaulted in college, by the boyfriend who was my first sexual partner. But it was a long time ago at this point. I don't think that's it. I went through a lot of therapy after and feel pretty solid. I'm physically attracted to males, but it's Like emotionally I now have a hard time getting and or staying attached with the exception of ONE guy from about 1.5 years ago.

 

I was raised devoutly religious by parents that definitely subscribe to the "not worth as much if you sleep with anyone before you're married" logic, but I don't feel that way.

I do however feel like men still judge women on their numbers, and I just gave up my #2 to a guy who doesn't really care.

 

He is still healing essentially. He's been cleared to go back to work but doesn't want to for another month. He doesn't like what he does, but he won't go back to school to change it, either.

 

I'm not the greatest person in the world, but I'm half way through my masters while also working full time and giving each day 110% of my energy. It frustrates me to see someone with big dreams and the brain to actualize them not attempt to. He's been sitting for months. He could have taken an online class even.

 

I feel like a big part of the thrill for him is I'm young and fit and attractive, and he's in his 30s. Not that I'm me, just that I'm novel because I'm young and virginal.

Additionally, he's been with like everyone. Which I don't judge, but we can be having a conversation about a topic, and he'll be like "oh I once dated an astronaut (I'm exaggerating but you get it)." Which really just means they went out 3 times and had sex. It's like nothing about me is really special.

[Buddhist]

Lately I just feel very "meh" about him. And I'm trying to figure out if I should end it. He went on a week long trip, .....(like you drove 12 hours--you didn't think of me at all until you were home, bored?).

 

Because he's failing to prioritise your need for attention?

 

The other thing that bothers me is I feel like we've rarely been on a date that doesn't involve hanging out at his place. I just counted in my head, and we've gone out for drinks 6 times and dinner 3 times in the month and a half we've been seeing each other.

 

You've been on 9 dates that have been outside his home in 6 weeks, average 1.5 times a week. I'm failing to see the big problem here but I guess it comes down to your expectations not being met on this score.

 

No guy I've dated has been this way.

 

So it is coming down to him not meeting your expectations then.

 

I don't want to be exclusive with him yet even if we do keep seeing each other, and I don't want to sleep together again unless we do end up exclusive first (I know he's not seeing anyone else, but that's not the point).

 

Then why are you dating him? This just seems like a giant waste of time because it's clear he is not ever going to meet your expectations.

 

And on the other topic about your perceptions of men. I've never been attracted to more than one man around every 7yrs or so. I just don't have that drive to seek out a man. I've never had a terrible traumatic experience with a man to explain this. Someone women just aren't that into it as others.

Edited May 19, 2016 by Buddhist

[truth_seeker]

You shouldn't feel "meh" or force yourself to continue seeing someone you're not very into... you should be excited in the early stages and be all over each other.

 

End it.

[fitnessfan365]

9 dates in 6 weeks seems like you're going out a decent amount IMO. When you said you hardly ever go out I was expecting you to say you had maybe 1-2 dates with the rest of the time indoors.

[bu2002]

If you've been out with him 9 times in 6 weeks, things should really be ramping up physically & emotionally. This should be a fun time now. The normal nerves you feel on the first dates should be gone cause you feel comfortable around each other.

 

If things are meh after 3 dates, I would've told you to move on. Much less 9 dates.

[Katie3]

Of the people who say 9 dates is pretty good for a month and a half: Know that one of those dinners was also the drinks. So it's really 8.

[campeo]

Of the people who say 9 dates is pretty good for a month and a half: Know that one of those dinners was also the drinks. So it's really 8.

 

So you've gone out on dates 8 times in 6 weeks, but also hung out together at his apartment a handful of times. So you've seen each other 12 times in 6 weeks?

 

What people are saying is that is a lot. It's probably above the median. When I start dating someone my preference is 3 dates every 2 weeks, because I'm busy - not necessarily dating other women - but exercising, volunteering and friends. For me to see someone more than that would require just chilling and not going out.

 

The lack of creativity of just drinks would bother me, but you've had sufficient going out dates. He's put forth enough effort in terms of time. Is it the type of dates that bother you?

[Leigh 87]

It was hard for my bf and I to get past his very same issue. And we actually had fairy tale chemistry and the intense emotions instantly - so if it this issue nearly broke US up - when we actually clicked and fell hard for one another - you have literally no hope sorry. Since you gave no solid reason to bother to make this work, that compensates for his frugal ways.

 

I learnt that men need to be on decent money in order to afford to take a lady out every single week.... I Am not into splitting the bill (I would rather treat them to surprise gifts and other things rather than splitting bills and paying half for the dates and romantic stuff). So.... I sort of felt the same as you do when I met my bf - I was high on euphpric feelings initially but within a month or two I started to realise that he couldn't afford to take me out on dates; yet, he had a full time job and was a hard enough worker and - AND ---- here is the main difference I see here between our situations: I WAS STILL INTO HIM. I like to date men who spoil me and treat me to dates (I give just as much back before the chorus of " omg u should totally be paying your half" comes in)

 

SO while his lack of taking me on DATE dates bothered me, it was worth it because we had/have something special.

 

But despite the lack of dates, I could FEEL that he would spoil me and make me feel special within his own means. If I wanted a well off guy I knew I was free to pursue one; my bf wasn't asking me to have to date him. I needed to make a decision; a well off guy who could take me out weekly, or a rare connection with a GENEROUS but POOR man.

 

Is generosity a big thing to you? If the guy is financially comfortable then there is no excuse for "chilling at home" dates so early. I cannot stand men who are on good money and date on the cheap (UNLESS they multi date and then sure, even well off men shouldn't have to treat multiple girls per week to meals in high class establishments!)

 

I would personally rather a generous poor guy than a tight well off men. Perhaps you are one of the women, like of one of friends, who is much more attractive than me and wants the "full package" (she needs a guy to be well off and comfortable and believes she can find the earth shattering connection AND compatibility and the lot). Where as for me, a great connection, chemistry, clicking spiritually and emotionally and a GENEROUS spirited guy - is all I need - providing they have a full time job.

It sounds like you have NONE of those above criteria! Yikes! A poor or medium income earner who is generous with the money he DOES Have should suffice providing you click and feel a good connection! Yet you don't seem to have... anything going on with this guy:confused:

 

It is tough for some women to date men who do not take you out on dates and make you feel feminine and desirable - I would NORMALLY have seen that as a DEAL BREAKER for me - yet at the time I just did not think about it. I Was euphoric. I didn't care at all initially at least! IF you guys had a connection and you felt all giddy and excited about each other - the initial euphoria of a new relationship - I would say STOP WORRYING about a guys ability to wine and dine you - they aren't money bags you know..... The fact you do not seem to "click" or feel a ground breaking connection to offset he fact you prefer men who take you out more - makes this situation NOT worth another day........

[normal person]

Of the people who say 9 dates is pretty good for a month and a half: Know that one of those dinners was also the drinks. So it's really 8.

 

Does it really matter if you don't even like the guy that much?

[Leigh 87]

Does it really matter if you don't even like the guy that much?

 

exactly.....

 

I had my fair share of well of guys who could afford to take me out/wine dine me etc...

 

Yet I felt meh about them.

 

Then I have met the men I AM into, who either wouldn't be into me back or wouldn't treat me to dates often enough for my liking.

 

The two boyfriends I have had that I have been mutually involved with (both super into each other) were both generous - yet poor.

 

So whatever the OP's bfs deal is, be it financial woes or the fact he just is not into spoiling women or treating them to many dates - she DOES NOT EVEN LIKE HIM much anyway.....

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I do however feel like men still judge women on their numbers, and I just gave up my #2 to a guy who doesn't really care.

 

First of all, your number is YOUR business, no one else's. You have every right to keep that information to yourself.

 

Secondly, if you are hesitating dumping this guy because you want to validate the reason for having sex with him once, don't bother.

 

Try and look at it this way. If you had had an amazing sexual chemistry with this guy you might feel differently about the situation right now. The fact that you didn't feel that connection will save you a lot of time in deciding if a relationship is worth pursuing.

 

The dissatisfaction you are currently feeling isn't going to go away, in fact it will probably get worse. For that reason I would end it now while you are still on good terms.

[Katie3]

I'm not a materialistic person, for anyone who's wondering. I'm more of a time spent person.

 

We went out Thursday night and had drinks and he got me dinner. Everything was great. Except he texted when he got home they he missed me and would he ever be able to break through to me, honestly. I replied what my concerns were. Quote "I feel like we're moving backwards."

He knew I was going out of town Friday for the weekend, to see my best friend for less than 48 hours. Including about 16 hours of driving over a mountain range in and out of signal (remember, this is the guy who didn't call me once while HE was driving). Yet he called me while I was driving out there, and wanted to have this big serious talk about should we stop seeing each other (which obstensibly got interrupted several times because of dropped calls and he got very irritated, demanding to know when I could "call him back--despite the fact he isn't working so likely was home most of the day anyways). Finally we talked for two hours, it made me cry, and I said I wanted to limit contact for the weekend to just enjoy time with my friend and re center.

 

I asked him during the call what he wants out of this.if he wants a relationship. He wouldn't really say. He would use phrases like "I want to have fun with you" and "I want to spend time and have a good time with you" but wouldn't say he wants me to be his girlfriend, or even exclusive. I told him he has to understand though I won't always BE fun. There will be times I will be sick, or tired, or mean. He got upset, "that's not very fair if you're mean to me and I haven't done anything." Can anyone else see what I meant and he just missed it?

 

On paper this all looks really bad. It looks like a guy in his early 30s who KNOWS how to treat me well and just isn't. But then why do I feel a huge catch in my chest when I think about ending it?

[Versacehottie]

This is a whole lot of negativity and torture from both sides at the beginning of a relationship where it is supposed to be light, fun and easy. If it's not at the beginning, what makes you think it will be easier later when dealing with serious issues and the normality of life. (i realize that you tried to get him to commit to you being moody, etc in the future-but isn't it all a bit heavy at this point). TBH, with your latest post I think there are problems being generated by both of you. Whether I am right or wrong, what is obvious, is that you aren't happy in the least and he sounds frustrated as well.

 

There's a huge difference between wanting a relationship that makes you happy and wanting a boyfriend. I can't think for the life of me why you are hanging on when you view his actions the way you do other than you want the latter more than anything. Recipe for disaster.

 

You know there are some people that like to hang on and just complain rather than do something about it when they have ample opportunity. That's what you seem to be doing. There is little investment; it hasn't been a long time; you haven't even gotten to stage where you have major feelings for the guy; you don't live together nor are married. It's simple. Walk away. Move on and stop complaining and torturing yourself and this guy. Not a match. Simple as.

[Katie3]

This is a whole lot of negativity and torture from both sides at the beginning of a relationship where it is supposed to be light, fun and easy. If it's not at the beginning, what makes you think it will be easier later when dealing with serious issues and the normality of life. (i realize that you tried to get him to commit to you being moody, etc in the future-but isn't it all a bit heavy at this point). TBH, with your latest post I think there are problems being generated by both of you. Whether I am right or wrong, what is obvious, is that you aren't happy in the least and he sounds frustrated as well.

 

There's a huge difference between wanting a relationship that makes you happy and wanting a boyfriend. I can't think for the life of me why you are hanging on when you view his actions the way you do other than you want the latter more than anything. Recipe for disaster.

 

You know there are some people that like to hang on and just complain rather than do something about it when they have ample opportunity. That's what you seem to be doing. There is little investment; it hasn't been a long time; you haven't even gotten to stage where you have major feelings for the guy; you don't live together nor are married. It's simple. Walk away. Move on and stop complaining and torturing yourself and this guy. Not a match. Simple as.

 

I should note that it was HIM not me that said we're "moving backwards" and I think he means that in reference to I want to slow down and get to know him, and not sleep with him again or be sexual until I feel like I DO.

 

Am I the one who owns the problem here? I've never had problems quite like this in a relationship or even casually dating someone early on. Generally the beginning you're both happy, not exhausted. And I'm just trying to figure out if I'm the one doing this.