Why is he ignoring me? [UPDATED]

[kwhita1]

I've known this guy for about 3 years; we've been friends and nothing more because both of us were in relationships for the last 3 years. We were never extremely close friends but we talked occasionally and of course corresponded on social media regularly with one another. Recently we have both become single and started talking every single day. Every morning he would message me "Good morning beautiful." etc. We would talk for hours! We decided we both really like each other a lot more than just friends. I think it is important to note that he's the one who has been doing most of the pursuing (of course my intentions and feelings are the same so I've reciprocated) but he was the one who came on to me initially and he came on STRONG. He even went as far as to say he could really see himself being with me long term.

 

 

The problems started Sunday when we didn't talk all that much, I knew he was working so I didn't think a lot of it. He messaged me mid day to say he missed the sound of my voice and to check in on me -- we spoke for about an hour. That was the last I heard from him. I sent him a message Monday saying "Good morning.", no reply. I sent him a message later that day saying "Hey, I know you are probably busy but I just want to tell you I am thinking of you." Again, nothing. So yesterday I just decided to come straight out and ask him "Is something the matter?" but to my surprise, still no message! We are friends on Facebook and he hasn't deleted me which I think is weird because I know he's been online several times & he usually deletes anyone he's exiting a relationship, or dating scene/hook up scene with immediately.

 

 

What could possibly be going on? I refuse to text or call anymore because I am not going to be that desperate. However, I am so confused and a little hurt because I wouldn't expect this from someone I've known this long.

[preraph]

So he's basically been having an emotional affair with you while he's in a relationship. My guess is whoever his relationship is with now found out.

[kwhita1]

I know the girl he was engaged to, she's on my Facebook friends and she has been posting stuff about their break up. Maybe he moved on to someone else already, do you think it could be a third girl?

[katiegrl]

I've known this guy for about 3 years; we've been friends and nothing more because both of us were in relationships for the last 3 years. We were never extremely close friends but we talked occasionally and of course corresponded on social media regularly with one another. Recently we have both become single and started talking every single day.

 

I am not seeing an emotional affair while they were involved with others... I see a friendship.

 

Then I see they both got a bit more involved emotionally when they both became single.

 

I see him coming on strong, but now backing off.

 

OP, who knows, my guess is he is either having second thoughts about pursuing more than friendship with you, or he's lying in a gutter somewhere calling your name.

 

Or he got back with his ex.

 

Just pull back and don't reach out anymore. Not even on social media.

 

Maybe he is thinking about things before he proceeds further, or as I said he just changed his mind for whatever reason.

 

Just live your life, date other guys and if he contacts you, great, if not, oh well, next.

 

Disappointing I know but there is really nothing else you can do.

[californiablonde]

I've known this guy for about 3 years; we've been friends and nothing more because both of us were in relationships for the last 3 years. We were never extremely close friends but we talked occasionally and of course corresponded on social media regularly with one another. Recently we have both become single and started talking every single day. Every morning he would message me "Good morning beautiful." etc. We would talk for hours! We decided we both really like each other a lot more than just friends. I think it is important to note that he's the one who has been doing most of the pursuing (of course my intentions and feelings are the same so I've reciprocated) but he was the one who came on to me initially and he came on STRONG. He even went as far as to say he could really see himself being with me long term.

.

 

You say a couple of things in here that catch my attention. First and foremost despite the fact that you have known him for three years it is only until recently that you started to get to know him well. So unfortunately it does not really provide you with a lot to go on. Not to mention the fact that you are both recently single out of lt relationships. Lastly that he came on strong.

 

Not that I am trying to discount what was going on between you two but he might be backing off now that the chase is over so to speak. Since you are both coming of other relationship maybe he might of realized he wants some time to be single. Or and I don't know the whole situation with his ex but there still maybe some unresolved feelings there.

[kwhita1]

I am trying to tell myself that. I guess maybe it'd been different if I hadn't had a friendship with this person first. It's just so hard to fathom why someone would be telling me Sunday, "I miss the sound of your voice." and then Monday, basically cutting me off. Only time will tell I suppose. Until then, there isn't much else I can do.

[kwhita1]

They were very serious. He was with her for nearly three years (engaged) and they have a daughter together. However, he is the one who broke up with her. I didn't want to get involved with him romantically because I feared he wasn't over his relationship with her and I expressed my concerns regarding that; he assured me that his feelings were completely gone for her aside from the love he has for her as the mother to his child. Words are just words until they are substantiated though so I'm sure that could most definitely be part of the problem.

[katiegrl]

I am trying to tell myself that. I guess maybe it'd been different if I hadn't had a friendship with this person first. It's just so hard to fathom why someone would be telling me Sunday, "I miss the sound of your voice." and then Monday, basically cutting me off. Only time will tell I suppose. Until then, there isn't much else I can do.

 

I know... it's confusing but read this board. Happens all the time.

 

People (men and women) can just flip a switch literally overnight.

 

One extreme to the other in the blink of a eye.

 

There is no rhyme or reason.

 

But if he is gone for good, be thankful it happened now and not after you had sex, became more emotionally invested...

 

My guess is he WILL be back though.... he's probably just thinking about things and wants to be alone for a bit to think things through.

 

Work through his feelings for his ex, among other things, before getting too emotionally involved again.

[kwhita1]

You're right and I appreciate the sound advice. I've gone NC with him for now.

 

 

It is driving me crazy trying to piece the puzzle together but I guess at the end of the day, my only way of coming to terms and finding peace is to accept that there may never be any real answers.

 

 

My biggest concern is that my ex is EXTREMELY jealous and controlling over me; we spent 10 years together and he hasn't handled the split well at all.

 

 

I am a bit worried that he's spread rumors or something.

 

 

He says he didn't but then again the whole reason our relationship ended is because he's a big fat liar and cheater.

[katiegrl]

You're right and I appreciate the sound advice. I've gone NC with him for now.

 

 

It is driving me crazy trying to piece the puzzle together but I guess at the end of the day, my only way of coming to terms and finding peace is to accept that there may never be any real answers.

 

 

My biggest concern is that my ex is EXTREMELY jealous and controlling over me; we spent 10 years together and he hasn't handled the split well at all.

 

 

I am a bit worried that he's spread rumors or something.

 

 

He says he didn't but then again the whole reason our relationship ended is because he's a big fat liar and cheater.

 

First off, you really need to stop communicating with your ex. Block him, delete him whatever you need to do. He sounds toxic.

 

Second, if new guy allowed anything said to him by your lying, bitter ex to alter his feelings for you.... then that would be pretty crappy of new guy IMO.

[kwhita1]

It would be crappy for sure but one never knows.

 

 

I have since blocked my ex from Facebook because I'm pretty sure he had something to do with it.

 

 

My ex has sabotaged relationships for me before by telling the new guys I was seeing that I was still sleeping with him or that we were still together and that I was cheating on him.

 

 

He can be so petty. He even tagged me in a fake status on Facebook once saying that we were going somewhere together when we hadn't even spoken in days; that's when I deleted him from FB!

 

 

It's been a living nightmare trying to get out in the dating field and I guess that's why this is so upsetting. It took me 2 years to finally leave my ex and try to find someone I get along with so well, exceeds all my expectations, only to have this happen.

[smackie9]

What usually happens when they ghost is that they are back talking to their ex and don't have the b&*^s to break the news to ya that they have decided to work things out. I'm 99% sure this is what has happened.

 

What happen to you was easily an emotional rebound. Doesn't matter what they tell you or what is being posted...things can happen in the background where no one can see.

[kwhita1]

I had posted this earlier on in the post but I don't think he is back with his ex.

 

 

She's on my Facebook and is posting a lot of stuff about their break up every single day. Even though the break up occurred awhile back, he just recently removed evidence of their relationship on Saturday when he changed his Facebook status from engaged to single & took down their photos together.

 

 

They are no longer friends on Facebook either and he's the one who broke it off with her. He moved 6 hours away from where she was to take a job and get away from her.

 

 

He said he was really unhappy with her and he didn't love her anymore which is why he left her.

 

 

I do however wonder if he maybe ended up with someone new, I have my doubts about it being her again though.

Edited May 18, 2016 by kwhita1

[preraph]

Hey, if he's recently single again, his mind is not on you. It's on dating as many women as he can. Never assume a guy will come to you once they're single. After a breakup or divorce, yes, they may come to you but they'll be dating around for some time to come.

[katiegrl]

Recently we have both become single and started talking every single day. Every morning he would message me "Good morning beautiful." etc. We would talk for hours! We decided we both really like each other a lot more than just friends. I think it is important to note that he's the one who has been doing most of the pursuing (of course my intentions and feelings are the same so I've reciprocated) but he was the one who came on to me initially and he came on STRONG. He even went as far as to say he could really see himself being with me long term.

 

 

There was no assuming here IMO.

 

He flat out told her he could see himself with her long term, among many other things that would lead any woman to believe (not assume) he was interested in pursuing a RL with her.

[kwhita1]

I just recalled a conversation that I think helps me make sense of it all now.

 

 

A few days ago he asked me if I thought we were each others rebounds and I asked him why.

 

 

He confided in me that he liked me a lot and that even though he knew he was over his ex, he was concerned that maybe I wasn't over mine.

 

 

He said that he was afraid to get involved with me if I still had feelings for my ex. I assured him that I didn't and that I was only interested in him.

 

 

Now I am wondering if that question was because in the back of his mind, he subconsciously saw me as a rebound and recognized it.

 

 

OR, he let his insecurities get the best of him and allowed that concern to turn into a full blown fear.

[kwhita1]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. Just thought I would inform you I found out today that he is back with his ex. I don't know how I'm going to handle this. If anyone has advice, I could use some. Should I delete him off my Facebook?

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. Just thought I would inform you I found out today that he is back with his ex. I don't know how I'm going to handle this. If anyone has advice, I could use some. Should I delete him off my Facebook?

 

I would.

 

Not to spite him, but to protect your own well-being. You're not going to love seeing new photos or updates about them.

[Toodaloo]

Just ignore it all.

 

At least you know why he went quiet now.

 

Choose the setting so he doesn't come up in your news feed and move on. I don't think you need to say anything. Just keep him out of the way for a while to allow yourself to heal and in a few months time you will probably feel the same way as before.

 

Sometimes its better to just stay quiet and handle things with grace.

 

I am guessing you are young so at least this way you do not burn your bridges and remain dignified.

 

If he contacts you just brush it off and shrug and go back to being normal and friendly again. Just keep him a bit at arms length for a while.

 

Lots of guys out there so go and look for another who is over his ex and ready for a relationship.

[kwhita1]

The guy I was casually dating wanted something more serious from me and I agreed to it.

 

 

But now he's done a complete 180 only 3 days after asking me to be in a relationship with him.

 

 

He started ignoring my texts and calls on Monday; I haven't heard a word since then and I found out yesterday that he is back with his ex girlfriend.

 

 

He has yet to delete me from Facebook though so I am now seeing all of the updates his gf tags him in.

 

 

My question is how can I get over this? My heart hurts because I really fell for this guy and he was my friend before he was anything else to me.

 

 

I know a good place to start is deleting him from FB but what are some other ways I can move past this?

 

 

I was in a 10 yr marriage with someone else before I met this guy and the split between us didn't hurt nearly as much as this does.

 

 

I have no idea what to do. Why would he do this?

[SomethingToSay]

Sadly it sounds like you were a rebound or a way to occupy or get over his ex. Then things with his ex got patched up and he just ditched you like yesterday's news.

 

 

How awful.

 

 

Absolutely you should block him on FB if you really want to get over him. Otherwise, it just takes time.

 

Go out with friends, try to stay busy, and maybe date around casually to keep your mind off him.

 

 

You were only BF/GF for 3 days so hopefully you wont be hung up on him too long.

[d0nnivain]

You delete him from FB & all other social media. You box up any stuff you may have. You take the weekend & have a good cry, wallow do whatever but come Monday you pull yourself together, surround yourself with positive people & keep busy.

[greenly24]

I'm so sorry. I'm sure it's difficult when you commit wholeheartedly, and the other person doesn't. Unfortunately, I think it's going to take some time to get over things. We are emotional creatures and for better or worse we can't turn off our emotions with the flip of a switch. Like you mentioned, lessening the time to see him might help, but I think the pain will still be there for a while. Best of luck.

[kwhita1]

I was VERY interested in this guy. He was interested also, he wanted a relationship, so I agreed, only to have him completely ignore me 3 days after asking me to get exclusive.

 

 

Last I heard from him was May 15th; he'd text me every morning to say "Good morning."

 

 

However, on May 16th, he didn't. I let the day go by without saying a word.

 

 

Late that night I sent a text saying "Is something the matter? I haven't heard from you. I know you're probably busy, just letting you know I'm thinking about you."

 

 

He read it but didn't reply. That was my last effort to correspond with him. He didn't delete me from Facebook though and I didn't bother deleting him either.

 

 

Fast forward to today, May 27th -- 12 days later -- I've started casually dating someone else.

 

 

I posted a photo with this guy two days ago & today I receive a Facebook msg from the guy who was ignoring me saying the following:

 

 

"Hey girl. I hope life works out for you!! your such a beautiful person. I see you and Ryan are together.. And all I could do is think, 'what a lucky man.' Take care sweetheart."

 

 

I asked him why our conversations ended so abruptly.

 

 

To which he replied "I just have soo much to concentrate on, it's not even funny. When I got back around to talk to you, I seen you and Ryan together. And I don't want to be that guy."

 

 

What is going on here? Is he only trying to talk to me because I am seeing someone else?

 

 

Was he really "that" busy, was there really "soo much" going on in his life that he couldn't reply to a text for nearly two weeks?

 

 

What is this guys problem?

[kendahke]

HE's an inconsiderate dude who was looking for an excuse to buttress his disappearing act... it wasn't until you posted the pic of the new guy that he most likely felt "Whew.. I can get out of this and not totally look like the a$$ I am"

 

You dodged a bullet with him. Enjoy the new guy.