ecd38 Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 I have been in a relationship for 7 months now and we're very serious about each other. We've had a few rocky times so far, people trying to get in between us and facing our pasts. We're extremely honest with each other, maybe too honest at times. I've been through a lot with dating so when I met him I was at my wits end. He knew I had a lot of anxiety and trust issues towards men and he took that on as a challenge and stuck by my side. He has been extremely good to me and patient with me. I feel as though any issues we face are because I stir up conflict out of my own insecurities. I think that I am extremely fearful of falling so hard and caring about someone so much, I let all these thoughts fall into my head and I don't know how to stop them. I have deep fears of him cheating on me or lying to me even though he has never been anything but honest and loyal to me. I used to generalize men based on all of my negative dating experiences so it has been hard to look at him differently even though 7 months in things are still going well and he treats me well. How do I stop myself from letting my anxiety and insecurities ruin our relationship? How do I talk myself out of the fears of abandonment, cheating and lying? I am figuring out that the answer is not in him. No matter how many times he reassures me, I still get anxious about it and question him for no reason. I don't want to be an untrusting monster and I know I would feel the same way with anyone, so it isn't him. I feel as though the happier we are, the more nervous I get that something is going to go wrong because I am not used to being treated this well. Any advice?
preraph Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 There's two ways to go here. One is to use self-discipline and MAKE yourself not mess this up by acting out being jealous. The other is to put yourself in therapy and find out where this is coming from and work on it. IMO, you need to do both these things asap to not run it into the ground. It is your problem, and you do know it, so you're ahead of the general population on that. And one thing to remember is if you think he's cheating anytime he's out of your sight, that says more about you than it does him. It says that's what you would be tempted to do. So beware how this makes you look.
Grumpybutfun Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 I'm going to make a leap leap on assuming you had an unstable childhood in some way. When people feel fear of abandonment, betrayal or cheating, it is usually due to a deep rooted sense of worthlessness left over from child abusers, neglect or lack of apathy and responsibility by your caretakers. The only way to learn why you feel the way you do is to examine your childhood and ask yourself why you feel unworthy of love, fidelity or commitment. Then ask yourself if you can learn to separate your current views from those views. Ask yourself why your previous relationships failed....did you pick men who mirrored your caretakers when you were younger? If you can....try to find a counselor and get some help putting your fears into perspective. The important thing is to love yourself first, value yourself as worthy and stop looking backwards to determine your current behavior. Fear is worthless without basis. Not only will it make you unstable and emotionally unfit for a relationship, but it will cause the relationship you do have to implode. No man can stand to be punished for your insecurities for very long. Get some help, you need it, G
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