Girlfriend showed her irrational side, can you decipher?

[head/heels]

Hello, will be a brief as possible. Dating a coworker in secret (save for my closest friends) for 3 months. She's foreign but been in America 10 years and knows the language very well and is quite successful as am I. We have fun, travel like crazy and have amazing sex. Conversation when she is out of town is lacking and I do feel I may not be cultural or intellectually stimulating to her. I have concerns as well. However when we are together ( about 1/2 the month as she travels too) we have a great relationship. note we live 5 hrs away. 1hr by plane and it's not clear if we are bc gf as she has never asked me to be exclusive but alludes to it and has called me her bf to friends and doesn't want me sleeping with anyone else.

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Issues: she often tells me I should date so and so bc they seem like my type, she doesn't think men or women can be faithful bc we are animals though she would like us to be. I didn't introduce her to my friends bc I work with a lot of them or they know people who work with me so I didn't want it to affect the start of our relationship. At this point I don't care and have told her so. She says she doesn't care either. She has since met some of my friends and I have met her friends and her best friend this past weekend on a trip.

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Now my best friend was in town and I invited her to meet him but she was too tired and told me to go alone. Next day we are in bed and she alludes to joking me up with another co worker, about a break up date she had with one of her exes and alludes to breaking up after our next big trip which she has done before and that when she is away she doesn't feel close to me and something must be wrong. I proceed to tell her that I again do not like it when she tries to set me up with people. She stopped for a few weeks but did it again yesterday. That anyone that goes along with a break up date is not healthy and I would not go along with it and that if she felt this LDR won't last past the summer when she returns home that we won't last then I am not wanting to continue this if she doesn't see a future. She cried... For like 30sec and only a small tear (like fake) and then was joking and normal. Very weird I thought.

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Anyhow I had to go as did she and so 20mins later she texted me that she was actually just upset that I hadn't invited her to meet my best friend (I did the night before) and that she feels my actions are congruent with my words. I showed her where I asked my friend if he could meet her tonight or his plans. She immediately apologized and said sorry and I love you (first over text). I was still perturbed over the talk earlier where she didn't think it would last past summer and so when she asked me more questions in an upcoming trip I told her that I am looking for a non dramatic, vulnerable woman that knows what she wants and is not lukewarm on us. I told her I was interested in a relationship with her (I haven't had one in 3 yrs and have been a bachelor with many woman at a time before her but am faithful inside of relationships) but not and that if she felt like this wasn't going to last in her mind then I'm not interested. she said okay And let me know how to resolve our future plane trip. I told her let's talk tonight. Later I decided I wanted to let her have time to think about us and so I went to my friends and told her so bc it was his last night in town and we could talk tomorrow. She then had a 10 string text where she said she guesses she isnt invited, take care, I'll away you back for tickets and no need to talk, wish you well. also that it was a mistake taking me to meet her friends, she can't trust me bc I don't want her to meet my friends. It's done. I said have a good evening bc I don't play games or put up with bull****. She then went crazy imo by saying she won't take this attitude , that I purposefully went to hang with my friend to hurt her instead of invite her (she worked late and I wasn't sure if I wanted her to be in my life if she sees it ending in August) and that I abandoned/denied her after she had 2 bad days. she was stupid to trust my good intentions, I'm blocking your number, never contact me.

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this was quite different than anything I have ever experienced and it reminded me of my sister who is Borderline. She had told me she does have penchant for blowing up relationships over text if she gets emotional. She felt this was my fault and she was reasonable. Anyhow I replied and I told her she was giving me mixed messages. She loves me (this past weekend for first time) and then says she doesn't see it lasting when she goes home. I pointed out I asked her to meet my friend the night before and she said she was tired but she said I knew she would say no bc she worked late ( but she worked later the 2nd night when she got mad I went to see him without her). She says her actions support that she wants more with me but mine don't (meeting my friends/family).

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Then she got histrionic : don't expect me to treat you nicely, I don't trust you, not meeting my family, killed all the desires in me to see her fam and travel and I treated her unfairly and sneaky and I'm hiding her...

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I can't explain how irrational and unreasonable this hit me but I can't say I am surprised bc I def can see it in her...

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So I go over, we talk and she says she didn't mean it was a plan to be over in August just she was concerned. I explained this isn't how she presented it. She said sorry. I said sorry that I didn't communicate more clearly. She said she warned me she does this type of thing. I told her it can't and won't happen again or I'm out. She looked at me like "we will see". She said I was the most emotionally stable man she has ever been with (we are in late 30s), she has been in turbulent relationships and I wonder now if it was her issues and not the other dudes. She said I was the only one to put her in her place. I was a man, had a yards yada. Now she is back to praising me and back to status quo.

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My question is: today I feel like how can I continue building something with someone that can literally end the relationship over text angrily and have no remorse or feeling about it. Also has a poor outlook on relationships, cheating (she hasn't said she has cheated but I feel like the first rocky time she might) and how could I leave my home, great job and family to move with her (she has a biz where she can't move) if this goes well (before yesterday's ****) when she could end it at any time without wanting to discuss. Her side is that I am hiding her, not wanting her to meet my friends and don't talk to her enough whenshe is out of town. all not exactly true but I am keeping it close to vest bc we work together but again I no longer care now that it has been more than a month.

 

Any advice on how to let myself be vulnerable and loving when she has introduced so many doubts which she feels was reasonable bc of how's he felt.

 

Thanks sorry so freaking long

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[joseb]

I haven't time to reply in detail but she may be borderline/ cluster B.

Or she may just enjoy the fun but not want anything serious, and uses (false) arguments to end things.

[carhill]

Heh, old-timer... welcome back

 

Early times, apparent LDR, if it don't flow let it go. Save the intense analysis for long and securely bonded relationships that are experiencing problems.

 

She is who she is, stuff happens, if it doesn't work for you regardless of how good the sex is, move on. IMO, in any circumstance, leave the psychological diagnosis to a professional.

[GorillaTheater]

From my perspective, she seems like a hell of a lot of work. Too much work for me for sure, but everyone's tolerance levels are different.

 

 

One thing for you to consider is that she's likely always going to be this way, if not get worse.

[Buddhist]

I can't explain how irrational and unreasonable this hit me but I can't say I am surprised bc I def can see it in her...

 

So, on some level you know she is not up to being in a mature committed relationship, yes?

 

My question is: today I feel like how can I continue building something with someone that can literally end the relationship over text angrily and have no remorse or feeling about it.

 

You can't. They do not have the emotional capacity to create with you what you want. And your quote above clearly states you know that about her.

 

Any advice on how to let myself be vulnerable and loving when she has introduced so many doubts which she feels was reasonable bc of how's he felt.

 

Go and be vulnerable and loving with someone who can be all of those things with you. You know this isn't her. Some people have to spend time alone in order to emotionally mature, I suspect this could be your current GF.

[Downtown]

It reminded me of my sister who is Borderline. She had told me she does have penchant for blowing up relationships over text if she gets emotional.... I can't explain how irrational and unreasonable this hit me.

H/H, I join Carhill in welcoming you back! I agree with both you and Joseb that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., her inability to trust, push-away/pull-back cycle, temper tantrums, and lack of self awareness -- are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I caution, however, that BPD traits are not something a person "has or doesn't have." Every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

Given that your sister apparently has been diagnosed as exhibiting full-blown BPD, you likely already are well familiar with the symptoms. You nonetheless may benefit by taking a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Joseb and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these red flags will NOT enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, H/H.

[ExpatInItaly]

As you have already mentioned based on your experiences with your sister, this gir is exhibiting some strong and "classic" behaviors associated with BPD. My ex-boyfriend also suffers from this, and was diagnosed as such a few years ago. However, he refuses to seek any treatment. The emotional toll that relationship took on me is a serious one and while my ex is not a bad person and not solely responsible for the demise of us, the path of destruction was wide and deep. I am still dealing with the emotional fall-out today.

 

I would strongly advise you not to get any more involved with her. If she doesn't recognize the problem and thus will not seek help, it's not going to get better. So to answer your question - I would not try to be "vulnerable and loving" with her. Not that this time. She isn't ready and it won't make a lick of a difference. Your behaviour will not somehow change hers.

Edited May 19, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[head/heels]

I read all in detail and thanks for the BPD list Downtown. will comment more if and when more chaos ensues. Just wanted you to know how much I appreciate the time it took to read and help out another .

[SilverAccount]

Dude, from where I am she is a hella tonne of work. Being with her I can imagine will be a rollercoaster. You've got to remember people don't change, if your tolerance levels are high then go for it and work through, I agree with the traits of BPD, bare that in mind for the future the signs can be a red flag for future relationships.