californiablonde Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 Hi, new to the site and need some advice.I have been dating a guy for three months now and it starting to get serious. Everything was going fine and he started to pull back so I gave him space. Saturday he reached out to me and we hung out. He admitted to dealing a a bad bout of depression (I already knew about his issues). Everything got resolved and it was good. We went to dinner. He got really drunk, which seemed off because we had the same amount of drinks(2) and I have never seen him this messed up. Anyways he made a joke which I didn’t like, it was very inappropriate/offensive. I called him on it and he didn’t get why I was made. I didn’t lash out I just got quiet. Fast forward, we are back at his place he kept asking me if I was still mad and I said yes. He is so drunk he just keeps falling asleep on the couch so I sit quietly waiting for the buzz to fade so I can drive home. Then every few minutes he keeps asking me why I am mad and I keep telling him to let it go so we can talk in the morning. I say this only because he was so drunk he didn’t get it after I already tried explaining it to him. But he won’t let it go and keeps repeating the cycle. (passes out for a few minutes, wakes up, asks me why I am mad and so on) At this point I am so annoyed I say no the next time he asks me if I am mad. He then keeps asking me if I am sure over and over which only adds to my annoyance.He starts poking me trying to be playful. Finally, he basically tells me that he needs to go to sleep and wants to make sure that I get home. I leave upset and ask him if I will see him tomorrow. He responds well that depends if you are still mad. Sunday goes by with no text. So I text him that evening and say that I am not mad but I don’t like what happened the night before. Can we talk about it. He says I’m going to need some time. WTF!!He is the one that messed up. It is two days later. and I haven’t heard from him. Besides leave him alone there is nothing else to do. What does this mean? I don’ intend to contact him since I already reached out. i just don’t understand what happened. Why does he need time since he made the mistake. I feel like this should be a non-issue since I didnt make it one. I am not mad i just want to talk about it. So now I am trying to understand what his silence really means.
MidwestUSA Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 I wouldn't worry so much about the joke. I'd worry about the fact that he kept 'nodding off '. My nephew did this to me while we were eating burgers on the couch. Found out he'd done some heroin in my bathroom before we sat down to eat. The dude was either extremely tired, therefore two drinks did him in, or he had something else in his system. Forget the joke, I'm willing to bet he doesn't remember what he said. You can't make them 'get it' if they don't remember it. As for the silence, who knows? He might be sleeping off a binge.
Buddhist Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 He admitted to dealing a a bad bout of depression (I already knew about his issues). i just don’t understand what happened. Why does he need time since he made the mistake. I feel like this should be a non-issue since I didnt make it one. I am not mad i just want to talk about it. So now I am trying to understand what his silence really means. What issues are these? Are they the kind that require medication? Could it be that his drinking did not mix well with his meds? Hence the reason why he was so out of it? In any case, it appears that these same issues are now causing him to behave like a pillock in the relationship. If I were you at this early stage I wouldn't be trying to understand, I'd just be walking away.
PegNosePete Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 Is he on any new meds for his depression? That could also explain the drunkenness and tiredness after so few drinks. Arguing with a drunk person is futile. If it were me, I'd have told him to sleep it off and got a taxi home. It doesn't sound like this relationship is going to be a good one for you. After only 3 months it should all be rainbows and sparklers, not dealing with drunkenness and depression and the silent treatment. If I were you I'd move on.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 You said that he is dealing with depression so there is the possibility he is taking medication for it as the last poster suggested. Alcohol does not mix well with certain medications which could explain his behavior. It sounds like he is a bit of a mess right now. If you don't hear from him I would think it has a lot more to do with his own issues than a minor disagreement with you. He might not be able to be in a relationship right now. If you decide to keep seeing him you are going to need to be aware of his limitations and take things very slowly.
Author californiablonde Posted May 18, 2016 Author Posted May 18, 2016 He is not taking any medication at the moment. He and I have already discussed his clinically diagnosed depression. I also know for a fact he doesn't do any other drugs. The only thing I can think of is the fact that he might have had drinks before I got there. He was a little weird but I attributed it to anxiety and stress at the time. I am not even worried about the joke but more the situation at hand. I want to talk about his behavior but he hasn't give me the chance. So I am very frustrated.
Lois_Griffin Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 He is not taking any medication at the moment. He and I have already discussed his clinically diagnosed depression. I also know for a fact he doesn't do any other drugs. The only thing I can think of is the fact that he might have had drinks before I got there. He was a little weird but I attributed it to anxiety and stress at the time. I am not even worried about the joke but more the situation at hand. I want to talk about his behavior but he hasn't give me the chance. So I am very frustrated. I'm sorry, but you DON'T KNOW for a 'fact' about anything he does. Just because he hasn't admitted to you that he's on medication doesn't mean he isn't. Just because he claims he doesn't do drugs doesn't make it so. All you know is what he TELLS you. Unless you're connected to his hip 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, you don't know anything for fact.
Author californiablonde Posted May 18, 2016 Author Posted May 18, 2016 I can concede that I don't know one hundred percent that he doesn't take medication but I do have an extensive background in drug abuse. I know what the signs and signals for drug use are as I have seen/experienced them first hand in a variety of situations.
PegNosePete Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 He is not taking any medication at the moment. He and I have already discussed his clinically diagnosed depression. If he has clinically diagnosed depression then why isn't he taking any medication for it? What treatment IS he getting? But really this is way too heavy for a 3 month relationship... it's meant to be the honeymoon period for goodness sake, not the "support your partner through his issues" phase. I would bail... he is not in a good place to be entering into a new relationship. 2
elaine567 Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 Why are you still chasing him? He is showing you big red flags and you are still apologising and making excuses for him. "Clinically diagnosed depression is a huge deal and will need a big commitment from you with years of chaos, turmoil and heartache ahead, are you really prepared to go there? Then there is the disrespecting you with inappropriate/offensive "jokes", going "argumentative and comatose" on you with the help of either alcohol or drugs and now he is giving you the silent treatment... He is now showing you who he really is and it ain't pretty. I suggest you thank God he is NOT talking to you, so you can just disappear on him. What was the "joke"? 1
Author californiablonde Posted May 18, 2016 Author Posted May 18, 2016 I am not chasing him, apologizing, or making excuses for him. I am explainiing things how I see it. Unfortunately it is impossible to be a hundred percent objective. His behavior is not acceptable and it needs to be addressed but he has yet to do that with me. I am just really confused as to why this happened. This is the first time this has ever happened. Up until now he has been a great guy so this was out of character. I found out about his depression early on and it definitely made me think twice about the situation. I did not take it lightly but decided to not dismiss him either because of a chemical imbalance which he cannot control. Up until now everything was easy so I didn't so it was not a pressing issue. I just want to understand how this all went downhill so fast. The joke is irrelevant at this point. The bigger issue is how the situation unfolded- and before you go down that road I did not blow it out of proportion. I am not a sensitive person and have a healthy sense of humor. Also he wasn't argumentative just a drunk idiot at the time.He didn't get loud or aggressive. I agree with the issue about the silent treatment, hence why I am so confused. He has no justifiable reason to go quiet.
salparadise Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 Let's skip the speculation as to the underlying cause and assume it's no big deal... you got mad at him because he was sleepy. Sleepiness is not really a choice, it was almost surely a physiological condition over which he had no control at the time. You took it personally and made an issue of it. You didn't want to let it go and you're still wanting to grill him on it. It could be as simple as he's giving you time to resolve it, or reconsider your posture of putting him on the defensive and making him answerable. I can't say that I blame him. Who wants to have to answer for being sleepy, as if it's the most egregious mistake a guy could make? My ex-wife used to get pissed at me for being sleepy after sex. It wasn't something I had any control over. Prolactin released after orgasm determines it, not boredom or whatever... but she took it personally and felt entitled to a response not that different from what you're doing. I think you need to get neutral on this issue and quit acting like you've been assaulted or something.
Author californiablonde Posted May 18, 2016 Author Posted May 18, 2016 I think you are missing the bigger picture. I am not claiming this is some life altering incident from which I will never recover. If he only feel asleep on me it would be totally fine. He has done it before and its not been an issue. I get it your tired and we all need rest. The problem started at the restaurant where he was awake and ended on his couch where he was falling asleep. If you read my first post you will realize I wanted him to fall asleep because I didn't want to talk about it anymore. The real problem was that at the time he couldn't understand why he hurt my feelings because he was intoxicated. He couldn't let the issue drop like I asked. Instead he kept "poking the bear" so to speak. I don't like to fight. My confusion lies as to why he has gone silent give the fact that I haven't gone crazy and jumped down his throat. All I want to do is talk like mature people about what happened.
basil67 Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 You say that his behaviour needs to be addressed. Have you considered that he doesn't want to address it? It would easily explain why he didn't call you back.
Author californiablonde Posted May 18, 2016 Author Posted May 18, 2016 Then why respond in the first place. Why not just go completely radio silent from the beginning. When I texted him Sunday we exchanged a few small texts and then I brought up talking about what happened the night before. To which he said he need time and then I just stopped texting after that.
PegNosePete Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 Then why respond in the first place. Why not just go completely radio silent from the beginning. When I texted him Sunday we exchanged a few small texts and then I brought up talking about what happened the night before. To which he said he need time and then I just stopped texting after that. Sounds like he hoped you'd just forget about it, so carried on as normal. But you didn't, and he decided it wasn't worth the agro. 2
elaine567 Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 He doesn't actually think he hurt your feelings or he thinks you should put up with it even if he did. To his mind, he is in the right, YOU are wrong. YOU refused to accept that you are wrong, so he has gone silent on you, either to punish you into submission, or because he is still angry with you, or he is completely done with you. The big issue here is that he seems to believe that making inappropriate/offensive jokes, is OK and something he doesn't need to apologise for. YOU called him out on a boundary issue, do not fold unless YOU truly believe you overreacted, otherwise that will be the template for your relationship going forward. He pushes boundaries, you object, he takes not a blind bit of notice, doles out the silent treatment, and you have to keep putting up with it in order to keep him.
anika99 Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 I am not chasing him, apologizing, or making excuses for him. I am explainiing things how I see it. Unfortunately it is impossible to be a hundred percent objective. His behavior is not acceptable and it needs to be addressed but he has yet to do that with me. I am just really confused as to why this happened. This is the first time this has ever happened. Up until now he has been a great guy so this was out of character. I found out about his depression early on and it definitely made me think twice about the situation. I did not take it lightly but decided to not dismiss him either because of a chemical imbalance which he cannot control. Up until now everything was easy so I didn't so it was not a pressing issue. I just want to understand how this all went downhill so fast. The joke is irrelevant at this point. The bigger issue is how the situation unfolded- and before you go down that road I did not blow it out of proportion. I am not a sensitive person and have a healthy sense of humor. Also he wasn't argumentative just a drunk idiot at the time.He didn't get loud or aggressive. I agree with the issue about the silent treatment, hence why I am so confused. He has no justifiable reason to go quiet. At only 3 months of dating you can't really say his behavior is out of character because you actually don't know his character. I was with an abusive type man many years ago and yet for the first 8 months of our relationship he was the most loving, understanding, empathetic man I had ever met and I fell madly in love. It took 8 months for him to drop his mask and have a rage episode in front of me. Later he gave me reasons and excuses for it and I forgave him because it was just so "out of character" for him. A few months later, another incident. More apologies and explanations. Soon his rages and abusive tirades started happening almost weekly and it was then that I realized this was who he really was and the wonderful guy I met and dated for a whole 8 months was the out of character guy. Not saying that this guy is abusive, just pointing out that at only 3 months there is a lot that you don't know about him and what his true character is. Given this incident and his refusal to discuss it with you like a grown adult, I'd say you are just beginning to see another side of him. Do you like that side? Can you accept a person who gets drunk, makes inappropriate comments and then goes silent on you for days? If not, then this is the time for you to walk away. 3
Cinnamonstix Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 (edited) He acted inappropriately and unattractively. I would be turned off, if I were you. It's hard to say what he is thinking, since he isn't communicating, but here are a few possibilities: Considering he was already a off when you first saw him, he might be going through an episode and just needs some space. The incident between you two is just further evidence of his current instability. He is embarrassed or ashamed and is hoping it will just go away if he ignores it, rather than address it and admit he was wrong.He doesn't have any strong feelings about it, but is hoping it will just blow over.When you reached out to want to talk to him, he took this opportunity to turn the tables around on you and make it seem like you were in the wrong.He thinks this might lead to a breakup and he is avoiding that conversation.He is losing interest and just doesn't care. Edited May 18, 2016 by Cinnamonstix
stillafool Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 Unfortunately I think the guy knows you were pissed and just doesn't want to deal with you again. That includes discussing what happened. OP, try not to let it get to you. Don't call him but start to move on.
Author californiablonde Posted May 18, 2016 Author Posted May 18, 2016 (edited) It took 8 months for him to drop his mask and have a rage episode in front of me. Later he gave me reasons and excuses for it and I forgave him because it was just so "out of character" for him. A few months later, another incident. More apologies and explanations. Not to sound naive here but I don't think this is that kind of situation. There was no rage here. No abusive outburst, lashing out, or vicious behavior. Now if any of that criteria fit I would have been out the door in a heartbeat. Regular people say stupid things all the time and I am no exception. I am not trying to protect him but I am also not trying to villainize him for this one act of showing poor judgement when making a joke. If my best friend or family did this to me I would have reacted the same way because anything else would have been an overreaction to the situation. If he had contacted me maybe the following day and we had addressed what had happened it would have been fine. The longer he goes without speaking to me the more unacceptable it becomes. Again, I am not going to reach out to him. In my book the longer you ignore it the more of an issue it becomes. Edited May 18, 2016 by californiablonde
anika99 Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 Not to sound naive here but I don't think this is that kind of situation. There was no rage here. No abusive outburst, lashing out, or vicious behavior. Now if any of that criteria fit I would have been out the door in a heartbeat. Regular people say stupid things all the time and I am no exception. I am not trying to protect him but I am also not trying to villainize him for this one act of showing poor judgement when making a joke. If my best friend or family did this to me I would have reacted the same way because anything else would have been an overreaction to the situation. If he had contacted me maybe the following day and we had addressed what had happened it would have been fine. The longer he goes without speaking to me the more unacceptable it becomes. Again, I am not going to reach out to him. In my book the longer you ignore it the more of an issue it becomes. You totally missed the point, which was that you can't truly know someone within 3 months of dating. You can't say what is or is not out of character for someone you have known for such a short time. I specifically said that I wasn't suggesting this guy is abusive, just that you don't really know him.
Author californiablonde Posted May 18, 2016 Author Posted May 18, 2016 You totally missed the point, which was that you can't truly know someone within 3 months of dating. You can't say what is or is not out of character for someone you have known for such a short time. I specifically said that I wasn't suggesting this guy is abusive, just that you don't really know him. Its not that I missed the point but the whole abusive relationship thing caught me off guard I wanted to reply. However, I totally agree that three months is a short amount of time and makes it difficult to get to know someone. However, you could be married or friends with someone for 20 plus years and they can go and do things you never thought possible in a million years. I am not applying this to him specifically but more in a general sense. All I am doing is going off what I know. Unfortunately for me it is not very much at this point.
Recommended Posts