Ruth75 Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 I started talking to my ex about 4 months ago and we clicked from the start – we had same opinions, experiences and personalities – we felt certain that this was it, soul mates. Only problem seemed to be the distance between us but the first time we met, things were great! When he came to visit me a month later, things were different – we couldn’t seem to communicate. I don’t know whether he was holding back a little because he was in strange surroundings. I decided just before he went home that a relationship between us just wouldn’t work – I mean, if we were finding it hard to communicate this early in the relationship, what hope was there? Yes, it did hurt me a lot to break it off, but I’ve had relationships like that before and communication is important. So we found ourselves as “friends” and “S” seemed to have adjusted to the situation, so he came to visit again “as friends”. Same thing happened though – the lack of communication again but atmosphere wasn’t as uncomfortable as time before. After he went home, we seemed to be arguing a lot until 11 days ago he just decided to initiate NC – he stopped using his mobile number, closed his email account, and changed the path address to his site so I couldn’t access it. I tried ringing him but he wouldn’t answer – what choice did I have but to accept that this was it! His last text to me read: “You were the one who decided our relationship wouldn’t work, and I have decided that we can’t be friends” Obviously, last week I was hurting as I had lost my best friend but things seemed to be getting better this week - until last night. I was chatting to a mutual friend on IM, She said “S” was asking her why I blocked him on IM (he told me that he had closed his email account) so being curious, I added him to my list again, and there he was online. I gave in and sent a brief “hello, how are you?” message. The conversation was brief and a little awkward. He said that we should talk sometime. My confusion is this – why did he lie about closing his email account? Why, when he decided we couldn’t be friends, does he now want to talk to me? My head is telling me to listen to my friends and just cut all contact – but my heart would like to get back the friendship that we had because I still love him and miss him. Any advice? Thanks
niceguy69 Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Wow! Just another example of how NC works so great with girls haha
Marshbear Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Let him be. He still misses you so he wants some contact with you. You know the friends thing will not work if he has feelings ( and I think he does ). Just drift away and let him move on. Do the NC thing and let it go...
Author Ruth75 Posted June 22, 2005 Author Posted June 22, 2005 thanks marshbear! i cant be sure but i thought maybe that was why he stopped contact with me although we had talked and he said he was ok with the "just friends" thing. if he trys to contact me, like he said he would, do i reply and say that maybe he was right - that we cant be friends, or do i just not reply?
smile95 Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 I am trying to be friends with a guy I fated 3 yrs. I will let you know if it is possible. I would have to say it will not work since both of us love each other and have feelings. Maybe over time it would work, but fresh out of the break up prob is not going to work. We want to be together though. The timing is off. So if you both want the break up, it may work to be freinds. I find most people say "let's be friends" just as somthing to say. Most people do not mean it.
Author Ruth75 Posted June 23, 2005 Author Posted June 23, 2005 Hiya Beth! As you said, maybe if both want the break up then friends may work. "S" contacted me yesterday and as Marshbear suggested, it turns out that he did still have feelings more than just friends and thats why he dcided NC would be best. We talked a lot last night and have decided that we can be freinds (i hope it will work out) I think the break has done us both good and made us realise how much we missed each other and didnt want to lose contact. i hope that you and your ex manage to stay friends! as you said maybe fresh from the break-up, when there are still feelings may not work, but maybe down the line a bit it can work let me know how you get on
pioneer Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 "Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never."
She_Devil Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 They are called ex's for a reason. Get new friends!
not_myself Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 i posted a similar question earlier and got same good advice.... and i understand - you cared about that person and miss having them in your life. But it does seem as though it takes time. I dated my ex for 1.5 years. We tried to do the friend thing about 2 months after - sort of successfully for a while, but then things got really confusing again. Him getting jealous, me having expectations.....No one can still have feelings....and we both did - no good. If you are certain you are ready, you can put it out there. If he is ready, fine - if not, sorry. It just doesn't work unless both people have completely moved on...
SummerRae Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Totally agree. I recently broke up with someone whom I had been dating briefly but had developed feelings for. Unfortunately, friends was not an option. I tried, but it was too painful for me. NC worked much better for me. Now, I'm pretty much over it. May be friends with him one day, but I doubt it. Unless both parties DON'T have feelings, I don't believe being friends post break up is good. JMO
WithOrWithoutYou Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 Yes, BOTH people have to be over the romantic feelings before a friendship can work. Once you get there, you can sometimes be good friends, because there are obviously things you had in common which brought you together in the first place. Sometimes, if you can seperate the physical from the romantic, and enjoy it in the context of "friendship and closeness", you can even be friends with benefits with an ex (but this is dangerous if both parties are not REALLY over the romantic part of the relationship).
Author Ruth75 Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 thanks for your replys!!! when we first broke up we kinda drifted into the friends with benefits situation - i believe this was why we fell out cpl weeks back - i guess we were trying to keep a part of our relationship alive and it didnt work because we both still had some feelings we have been talking quite a lot since getting back in touch on wednesday but this time it is "just friends". as you said there were a lot of things which brought us together in the first place i do hope that we can last as friends but who knows? all i know is that we have to give it a try
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by WithOrWithoutYou Yes, BOTH people have to be over the romantic feelings before a friendship can work. I'm friends with almost all my exes on this basis. My philosophy is to keep in contact with nice people when I meet them. Even if we mistakenly tried romance at the beginning. Usually there needs to be a cooling off period, while the one who was most upset (usually the dumpee) gets their act together. And friends with benefits is a very bad basis for proper friendship IMO, since it makes it more difficult to kill romantic feelings.
Author Ruth75 Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 Thank you RR i was beginning to think that everyone would disagree with me about giving our friendship a second chance some of my friends think i'm mad because of the way he just stopped contact and for some of the things he said to me at that time - i now realise that he was just going through a bad time dealing with our breakup and found it easier to not be in contact with me and to hit out at me i realise that i am lucky to have met him but as long as we both are over the romantic feelings, then it should work out
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by Ruth75 Thank you RR My pleasure. i realise that i am lucky to have met him but as long as we both are over the romantic feelings, then it should work out The trick is to go easy. Especially at first. So don't meet up too often initially. Stick to doing group or public place activities. And I would suggest no benefits.
Angeleyez2583 Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 It's working for me and my ex. He broke up with me. The only way it worked though, and I know everyone on here agrees, is because I got over him (we have been broken up for about 4 months now). I've hung out with him a few times, and he has become one of my best friends.
Author Ruth75 Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 we live in different countries so meeting up will be almost impossible for a while but some day i hope we can meet up again so for now we just chat alot on the phone and IM and definately no benefits
not_myself Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 I was wondering some things about this and my ex - you guys seem to have a good head about it... we had broken up last fall - he did the breaking and i was upset, but started to move on. We kept in some contact - i dated some, he might of dated, i dont know... We started spending a bit more time together a few months back and that when things got confusing again. He was acting like - and said - he wanted to see what happened when we got 'closer' but when I repsonded to that, told him i still loved him and also wanted to try again - he said he 'could not' be with me, but wanted to maintain 'some relatioship'... confusing to me - I was upset and wanted definition. So said i needed to be away from him. after about 5 weeks i recently emailed him and said i would like to try and be friends...he said he is still getting his life together on his own but would like to be friends inthe near future. I guess my question is this: if he is the one holding back from a relationship...why would he have any problems being friends now? I feel wierd just waiting around for him to be ready for friends -
Author Ruth75 Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by not_myself I was wondering some things about this and my ex - you guys seem to have a good head about it... we had broken up last fall - he did the breaking and i was upset, but started to move on. We kept in some contact - i dated some, he might of dated, i dont know... We started spending a bit more time together a few months back and that when things got confusing again. He was acting like - and said - he wanted to see what happened when we got 'closer' but when I repsonded to that, told him i still loved him and also wanted to try again - he said he 'could not' be with me, but wanted to maintain 'some relatioship'... hmmm no wonder you were confused! maybe he was confused about his feelings at that time too i admit i still have some feelings for my ex but i was the one who broke it off - it wouldnt be fair on my ex for me to "see what would happen" if i wasnt totally certain i wanted to give the relationship another go i feel atm that the friendship i have with him is more important and not worth risking
greenhorn Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 I can never have any sort of contact with someone whom I loved and who dumped me, so friendship is too far to think of. For me relationships can be promoted and not demoted, a friendship becomes love and not vice versa. People accept friendship in a desperate attempt to hang on the thin string of hope and thinking of getting back and thereby prolonging the period of hurt and creating obstacles in the path of recovery. It is too cruel and sadist on part of someone to offer friendship after dumping.
JohnH Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 I can see where you are coming from greenhorn i guess both parties have to totally be over the feelings before a friendship can be possible in my case i wasnt totally over the relationship when my ex and myself first decided to be friends it was far to soon and feelings where pretty much still a fact the friends thing didnt work for me at the start because of that, i took some time out from it and thought things over managed to sort out my own feelings and then there was a time that i felt it was ok to be friends I am who is refered to as 'S' in this thread btw i believe me and my friend are still soulmates and as long as i believe that i believe we can make friends wrk without even trying. i guess at the end of the day its down to the personalities if it can work or not
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by greenhorn I can never have any sort of contact with someone whom I loved and who dumped me. It is too cruel and sadist on part of someone to offer friendship after dumping. Fair enough if that's how you feel. I don't feel that way.
greenhorn Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Interesting !!, I think it has happened for the first time on LS that both the parties are here. I still don't believe how can one be friends with some one you loved , I was given this choice that if you can't live with me then you can remain as friends or you will have to get dumped. So what could I have done, be as friends and see her sitting across someone's arm, be a witness in her marriage, no way it was not acceptable to me. I said No to friendship and got dumped. how can I come out of feelings, I still have the feelings, earlier I loved my ex and when in the end I was cheated and betrayed I hate my ex. I can never be neutral to her. It requires to be God to be in-different to someone who cheated, betrayed and dumped for someone else that too after 7 years or relationship.....and I am not God.
greenhorn Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Fair enough if that's how you feel. I don't feel that way. So let me put this way, you wanted to be the 'man' in someone's life and now you are being offered friendship and see somoene else becoming her man and all those related things..... Will you be able to accept that ?
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by greenhorn Will you be able to accept that ? I've done it. I got over her, it's as simple as that. Times change.
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