ballbern Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 Quick rundown of my story. Me and my ex where going out for six year. We lived together and have two children aged two and five. We were not getting on for a while, just not really talking, I was in a mood most of the time and basically both of use weren’t happy. It was her that suggested splitting and for me to moving out, and I agreed. I was basically sick of her using me as her sit at home baby sitter while she went out and had a great social life, landing home at whatever time she felt like it drunk and leaving me to pick up the pieces with the children that night and the following day when she was in no shape to do it. She was sick of me because I haven’t been able to get a job since I left university. And I will admit that I could have looked harder and I could have tried to get a job that wasn’t related to my degree. So that’s that in a nut shell.. Now I’ve been out of the house for about ten days. On about day two I decided to go ‘no contact’ and have been since. Have only spoke to her regarding the children and have not gotten involved in any conversation apart from that. Today I went to pick up the children after an interview and she mentioned she was finding it hard dealing with them at times. I didn’t say anything at the time but I had a think about it later and when I went to leave the children back, I told her that she should call me if she is having a hard time with the children and will help her out. Then I came home and found that she had updated her relationship status on Facebook. This has annoyed me for some stupid reason. I don’t know why but it realy bothers me, and now I am struggling not to say something to her or react in some way, but I don’t want her to know that it has annoyed me. Please someone talk me down off the edge lol. I think she may have done this because I’ve stopped talking to her, maybe to get a reaction, and it’s almost working. What should I do? I think I know, but I just need others to reassure me. Thank you…
ydb_xo Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 sounds like she just wants to do her own thing, enjoy her own life and not really deal with you and sadly not even the kids. you are doing a good job, keep up the good work on keeping the contact only regarding the kids and taking care of your kids. if she is smart, one day she will realize that you were a good partner and a good father. yes sometimes life throws curveballs in ragards to jobs, but if a person really loves you, they will stick with you and help motivate you to look for work. dont take it personally when she changed her status on fb, my ex did that with all social medias and deleted pics not even the second day after we broke up. i think its childish, they are so consumed on informing others who actually dont even give a **** lol. its just to show that they are now single and sometimes in hopes to get the attention. my ex added so many girls from work or friends of friends right after we broke up so of course he doesnt want any traces of me on his social media. keep doing what you are doing, nc will help you realize and see the main picture and actually see her for who she is. it will also help you heal, which you need because we tend to make dumb decisions and cannot think clearly about the situation if we didnt take the time to be alone and to be away from them. you are free now too, try to look more into the positive and what you want to achieve for yourself. good luck
Author ballbern Posted May 18, 2016 Author Posted May 18, 2016 Quick rundown of my story. Me and my ex where going out for six year. We lived together and have two children aged two and five. We were not getting on for a while, just not really talking, I was in a mood most of the time and basically both of use weren’t happy. She was sick of me because I haven’t been able to get a job since I finished university. And I will admit that I could have looked harder and I could have tried to get a job that wasn’t related to my degree. My problem with her was I felt she used me as her sit at home baby sitter while she went out and had a great social life, landing home at whatever time she felt like it drunk, and leaving me to pick up the pieces with the children that night and the following day when she was in no shape to do it. We split about six months ago and I moved out for around a week. After a week I approached her and we talked it out, she told me what her problems where. But I didn’t tell her that I had a massive problem with how her priority was her social life and not her family, It was just a conversation I didn’t want to have at the time, but now I regret not telling her how I felt at that time because we have split up again about 10 - 11 days ago. She said she wasn’t happy again and I didn’t argue. I stayed in the house for two or three days after we broke up, but it was too uncomfortable so I left. She kept saying that I could come over anytime and spend time with the children at the house if I wanted, but I preferred to just get them and take with me then leave them back later. After a few days I decided it was time for her to hear my side of the story and what my problems where with her. I went over and sat her down and spend over an hour telling her exactly what I thought about her top priority being her social life. I did not hold anything back, needless to say she was extremely upset. After that I decided to go into ‘no contact’ and only talk to her regarding the children. She has mention a few times that she is finding it hard looking after both children and my first though was ‘well now you know how it feels’ but I decided to tell her that she could contact me if she was under pressure and I would help her out if I could. She seems miserable and resentful towards me. I just feel hurt. I’m not sure what to do from here. My head tells me to continue no contact but my heart tells me to try and speak to her. I fell I need time to gather my thoughts and start thinking from a place that isn’t emotional but more logical, but I just don’t know. If anyone has any thoughts or advice I would love to hear them.. thanks
kwhita1 Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 That is a sticky situation. I am a female so naturally I think with my emotions 99.9% of the time. My first thought is to tell you to stop no contact and follow your heart. However, my rational brain tells me that there's good reason why you haven't had contact with her and you need to remember that when times get tough. People tend to forgive and forget when time has passed; emotions die down and you eventually start to miss the person, there's nothing wrong with that BUT and this is a big BUT sometimes you have to reconsider all the reasons why you stopped talking to them in the first place. I say make a list of pros and cons and go from there.
Author ballbern Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 Me and my ex have been broke up now for around three weeks. We have two young children so we have to be in contact for them. For the first week or so we didn’t really talk apart from organising pick up and drop off times for the children. But recently we have started talking more, not about are relationship, but just general conversation. She is studying, so yesterday I went and got the children and kept them for most of the day so she could work. I left them back later and put them to bed then left. I was supposed to go and get them this morning as she needed to go on a driving lesson, but she text and said that she had not slept most of the night and she had cancelled her lesson. I just text back that’s ok, I will get them later for a while instead. Question is should I ask her if she’s ok, and why she’s not sleeping, because any other time I see her she also looks very tired and as if she is having a hard time. What should I do?
PegNosePete Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 No, it's not your business nor your problem. Do you really want to hear that her new boyfriend is hassling her to go on the pill, or whatever the problem is? No! You don't need to hear that stuff!!! Stick to functional communication regarding the arrangements for the children.
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 If you're on friendly terms (and you have no hidden agenda) then as the mother of your children, I can understand if you would be concerned for her, particularly if she is studying AND caring for the children too. How old are they? Question: Did you leave them alone when you put them to bed, then left? She sounds a little stressed. Maybe an offer of help would go down well. (I just hope you don't mean you left the kids alone, that would be worrying).
Author ballbern Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 I have a two year old boy and a five year old girl. They are very hard work at times and my ex isn’t used looking after them because it would have been me that dealt with them most of the time before. I always offer to help, on several occasions iv told her that I would help her out at any time because I understand how stressful it is. But I think she doesn’t want to ask. Haha, no I didn’t leave them alone… I left them back with her and told her to keep working while I got them ready and put them to bed. After they had fallen asleep I left, but she was there with them.
Author ballbern Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 . How old are they? Question: Did you leave them alone when you put them to bed, then left? Maybe an offer of help would go down well. (I just hope you don't mean you left the kids alone, that would be worrying). I have a two year old boy and a five year old girl. They are very hard work at times and my ex isn’t used looking after them because it would have been me that dealt with them most of the time before. I always offer to help, on several occasions iv told her that I would help her out at any time because I understand how stressful it is. But I think she doesn’t want to ask. Haha, no I didn’t leave them alone… I left them back with her and told her to keep working while I got them ready and put them to bed. After they had fallen asleep I left, but she was there with them.
d0nnivain Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Since you have to coparent, being civil is particularly important. I'd ask her if she is OK. More than anything if she's truly not OK you have your children's safety to think about. Compassion will also go a long way; it's not about reconciliation. Perhaps if it's the school, work, kids stress you can have the kids more to help her out. A win win for everybody. 1
Author ballbern Posted May 28, 2016 Author Posted May 28, 2016 So this is an update on a post I made yesterday regarding asking my ex if she was ok. Quick overview – we have been broke up for around three weeks. We have two children aged two and five so no contact was impossible. When I spoke to her I was keeping the conversation about the kids, but over the past week we have started talking more general, but not about are relationship or the present lack thereof. I have noticed that she’s been very down and she told me that she hadn’t been sleeping very well. So after asking the question yesterday, most people who responded said they thought it would be fine to ask, so I did. And it went something like this. I text her “Are you OK? Just asking because you seem to be a bit down and you said you’re not sleeping”. She text back “I’m OK at times. I’m just finding it hard with the two children, money and everything. But I need to get used to it I suppose”. Part of the reason we broke up was because she would put her social life before her family life, she would go out and come back at whatever time she felt like it, drunk and I would be left to pick up the pieces the next day as well as she would not be fit to do so. When we lived together, I was the one who looked after the kids most of the time, she was more or less never left on her own with them, but I was left with them a lot while she did what she wanted. I don’t mind looking after them, I love my kids with all my heart, but I felt that I was being taken advantage of, and I was doing more than my fair share. So my first thought when reading her text was ‘now you know how I felt’ but quickly I thought ‘I know how stressful being alone with two young kids is, and I actually feel for you’. She then text back saying that the two kids don’t listen to her, and she didn’t know how to control them. She said she had shouted at them a several times to get there attention, and that she didn’t want to have to do that. Again, my first thought here is ‘Yeah, that’s because I was the one that did all the dirty work when it came to disciplining them and getting them to behave’. But my second thought again was empathetic so I text her back “I know how it is. It’s very stressful. I felt like that myself many times. But honestly, if you need help at any time please ask me and I will help you out with them as much as I can”. Any way there were several more text back and forth regarding the children and other things. Later that day I went to pick up the kids and asked her how she was. She just went over the same stuff that we had been texting about earlier. I decided that it might help if I gave her a few tips on how to get the kids to behave as it was I skill that I had spent many many hours working on. She looked like she took exception to me telling her what she should do with them but I explained that I wasn’t being critical of her mothering skills, I was simply trying to help her. Anyway, that was that. She still looked miserable when I left and when I left the kids back and it concerns me. I hope she will be OK because I don’t think she has the skills yet to handle two young children, it takes a lot of energy and patients and she hasn’t got that yet. This isn’t even a question, its more of a rant, but if anyone has any thoughts on it I would love to hear them. Thanks…..
anika99 Posted May 28, 2016 Posted May 28, 2016 I'd be most worried about the kids, not her. She's only had them for three weeks, when she realizes that this is going to be her life for some years to come and that she has lost her freedom what will she do? Will she take her anger and frustrations out on them? Will she leave them with strangers so she can go party? Will she be an attentive and loving parent who puts her kids needs before her own? What are the long term custody arrangements going to be? Are you going for shared custody?
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