elizabetk Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 (edited) Hi everyone, Many thanks for everyone who's to give advice. Some of you might remember previous threads I've commenced, if that's the case please feel feel to skip the resume and go straight into the current matter. Resume: Boyfriend (30, very successful) and I (23, well educated with a good a job) have been dating for five months now. The relationship started off very intensely and we got serious from the start. He has been an amazing partner and until recently I could not wish for more. Constant communication, romantic dates, meeting each other's families, wedding parties etc. Current issue: He has a highly demanding job in a leading investment bank, therefore I was warned at the start that work might take over at some point. I accepted it considering my own busy lifestyle and we went on with our lives. The last three weeks have been awfully strenuous for us as he's been working 100+ hours with no weekends. Needless to say, seeing each other has been impossible. I understand he is terribly busy and awfully tired but the usual sweet nothings have turned into rare occurrences and it's as if my boyfriend is a completely different man. It is hard for me to determine if he's no longer interested/pulling away or simply mentally and physically drained. I have tried my best to remain understanding and considered but it is getting harder with each day that passes. The biggest issue is that he doesn't have any knowledge on when things would be less intense hence we have nothing to look forward to. Thanks! Edited May 17, 2016 by elizabetk
candie13 Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 Well, stick around if you like but it looks like bad timing. I would not like to not see my bf. I call that an incompatibility in lifestyles. But i'm 12 years older than you, I know what's important to me. The real question is what are your dealbreakers and how long can you stand a mentally / physically absent bf in your Life? 1
Author elizabetk Posted May 17, 2016 Author Posted May 17, 2016 (edited) Well, stick around if you like but it looks like bad timing. I would not like to not see my bf. I call that an incompatibility in lifestyles. But i'm 12 years older than you, I know what's important to me. The real question is what are your dealbreakers and how long can you stand a mentally / physically absent bf in your Life? Thanks! I'm swamped myself, yet nowhere near as close as him, so initiating conversations and hoping to organise something is still on the table for me. It's funny because when we started dating I told him I'm very self-sufficient and smothering me with attention would not be well received. However, I warmed up to his ways and now feel neglected. Edited May 17, 2016 by elizabetk
preraph Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 I don't see why he would have a motivation to tell you he's working 100 hours if he's not. I mean, if he was simply juggling women, then you'd still be seeing him some, frankly. And so would she. I guess now is when you decide if this is enough. I mean, people marry pilots and doctors all the time. It's almost like being a single mother except they have the paycheck. This might be easier to deal with if you were married because you'd know where he was at night, but you still wouldn't have much time together. What do you know about him and how he feels about putting in these kind of hours? Do you think he's comfortable being a workaholic forever, or do you see him getting used to his job and then finding ways to get out of there more often? Maybe that is a talk you need to have with him once you get the chance. I mean, it's not much fun just sitting around wondering when you'll see him and then when you do, if it's only for sex. But I wouldn't give up on him yet. I'd give him maybe 3 months to get settled into the job. Then I'd see if this is how it's going to stay or not and decide whether to date around. Also, do beware that he's not planning on staying busy like this and may only be looking for someone to run the rest of his life for him, because don't think that doesn't happen with workaholics and big career people. 1
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 (edited) Current issue: He has a highly demanding job in a leading investment bank, therefore I was warned at the start that work might take over at some point. I accepted it considering my own busy lifestyle and we went on with our lives. The last three weeks have been awfully strenuous for us as he's been working 100+ hours with no weekends. Needless to say, seeing each other has been impossible. I understand he is terribly busy and awfully tired but the usual sweet nothings have turned into rare occurrences and it's as if my boyfriend is a completely different man. It is hard for me to determine if he's no longer interested/pulling away or simply mentally and physically drained. I have tried my best to remain understanding and considered but it is getting harder with each day that passes. The biggest issue is that he doesn't have any knowledge on when things would be less intense hence we have nothing to look forward to. 100+ hours with NO free weekends? Yikes. What I question is why after five months of being available and having lots of time to see you, suddenly he has NO time and doesn't know when he will? Something isn't jiving here. You are not gonna like my answer, but being that this happened so suddenly, within the last three weeks, and being that he has NO IDEA when he WILL have time to spend with you, it sounds like he is on his way OUT. It also sounds like this could be a pattern with him in all his RLs, thus him forewarning you at the beginning that he may suddenly be "too busy" to spend time with you. After only five months in, I would heed the message and just let it go. Sorry Edited May 18, 2016 by katiegrl 1
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 (edited) 100+ hours with NO free weekends? Yikes. What I question is why after five months of being available and having lots of time to see you, suddenly he has NO time and doesn't know when he will? Something isn't jiving here. You are not gonna like my answer, but being that this happened so suddenly, within the last three weeks, and being that he has NO IDEA when he WILL have time to spend with you, it sounds like he is on his way OUT. It also sounds like this could be a pattern with him in all his RLs, thus him forewarning you at the beginning that he may suddenly be "too busy" to spend time with you. After only five months in, I would heed the message and just let it go. Sorry Also to add to this^^.... you said the RL started off very intensely and you got serious with each other very fast. Whose doing was that? His? My guess is yes, as it's usually the guy pushing these RLs from from the get go. Believe it or not, this is a red flag as RLs that start off with so much intensity, become serious so quickly, usually fade out just as quickly. Again, it's usually the guy pushing at the beginning, only to have him fade out as soon as things become predictable.... i.e. boring and/or he finds someone else who strikes his fancy. He knows this is a pattern within himself so he forewarned you at the beginning. Now, after five months, it's turned into a reality. I would move on. Edited May 18, 2016 by katiegrl 1
clia Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 If he's working 100 hour weeks, my guess is he is mentally and physically drained. He told you up front that he has a demanding job; now you are experiencing it. It's up to you to decide if you want to be in a relationship with a guy who has a job like this, because it won't stop. In fact, if may get worse as he moves up the rungs. 3
Buddhist Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 (edited) This is a good opportunity for you to now put your attention inwards, rather than outwards on your relationship. Whether or not it's a sign of pulling away or just being busy doesn't actually matter. Let me explain. You only want to know if he's pulling away, so you can defensively guard your own heart and do the same rather than be left holding the baby while he makes a shock announcement of his departure at some future point. It's natural, everyone would want to do the same. You feel vulnerable in the situation that you are in. But if you get this wrong you will actually create a self fulfilling prophecy. Being intimate with another person requires we be vulnerable to hurt at times. It's what gives us emotional growth. If he is pulling away you are already attending to your own needs so the shock any announcement will not pull the world out from under you. If he is just being busy and not pulling away then using this time to take care of you sets up a good habit for future periods where your partner will not be able to focus on you. He will appreciate that you don't hold expectations over him at a time when others are holding expectations over him. You in effect free him of a care and concern, at the same time as learning to attend to your own needs instead of seeking validation from others. The answer is take care of you in whatever way you think is best. Edited May 18, 2016 by Buddhist
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 (edited) Even a guy with a demanding job, works 100+ hours would make time to spend with his girlfriend, if he wanted to. The fact that for five months, he had SO much time, constant communication, lots of romantic dates, spending time with family, weddings, etc..... and now suddenly NO time, nothing, nada not even a couple of hours during the weekend? Not only that but can't even give you an answer as when he WILL have time? No light at the end of the tunnel? That is like the biggest red flag to me. That he has no idea when he WILL have time. That and he rushed in fast and furious. So typical. I mean even a busy tax accountant knows his time will free up after tax season is over. And in the meantime, would still have time to spend with his girlfriend, again if he wanted to. But this guy has no time and NO IDEA when he will have time. I have never heard of such a thing and am calling BS on that. He is sending you a very clear message hun, he is on his way OUT. Edited May 18, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Author elizabetk Posted May 18, 2016 Author Posted May 18, 2016 Thanks everyone for the very helpful replies! I am really unsure of how to act. Should I try and invest more in the relationship, or give him space? Should I still message knowing that he could be emotionally checking out? Katie - Because he's an M&A investment banker and currently trying to get a promotion as a vice president, I knew that when a big deal is on the table he would be working for nonstop fort 3-4 weeks. The worst thing about his job is that there are times when it insane and others when things are bearable, yet he does not have control over his own schedule. Weekends are usually the worst as he has to prepare for Monday meetings. Even before we would often spend Friday night together, have breakfast and then he would stay in the office for the rest of the weekend. Of course could be emotionally checking out of the relationship and you might be right, intense start and a slow fade could be a pattern. Yet, he was saying yesterday that we need to arrange something, one way or another. Difference of it all is his willingness to apologise for the lack of opportunity to see one another or make sure I am okay with it all. However, I am aware it cannot be done constantly. Preraph - It is not a new job, hence no settling would be required. As it's demanding, if he does not deliver he would be out. I should have included that before he met me work was his main priority and even after we started dating he said that he has always measured his fulfillment with his professional success, i.e. if he earns enough, it would be easier to later on support a family.
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 (edited) Does he work Saturday nights too? All night? He needs to eat right? He can't take two hours to take you to dinner? So after five months of heavy pursuit, did he get assigned a big project or something? The fact he warned you about this five months ago when you first started, seems odd. Like he has a pattern of needing major space few months into a RL. I can't help thinking he met someone else and is keeping you around, feeding you breadcrumbs (not even that) in case it doesn't work out with her. Read this board, very very common. I could be wrong, but like I said something isn't jiving. I have known guys, ceo's, lawyers during trial, who work 100+, still make time for their girlfriends or family . My own bf (ex) worked two jobs, from 5:00 am to 7:00-8:00 pm every day and all day Saturday and some Sundays, and we still had plenty of quality time together. When you care, you make time. Anyway, if it were me I would pull back, go on with my life, and tell him to give you a call when his schedule frees up again. Wish him well. If or when he does call, see how you feel then. You could have completely moved on or met someone else by then. If you choose to stick around, spending zero time together will result in the relationship dying of attrition. Some men prefer this route rather than formally ending it. Again pretty common. So don't really see how you have a choice. Best of luck. Sorry Edited May 18, 2016 by katiegrl 1
CarrieT Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 OP, I am middle aged but I started dating a man who A) owned his own medical practice, B) served on the Board of Directors of four different non-profits, C) had custody of pre-teen children every other week, D) sang in two choirs... With all this, when we met and started dating he made having a relationship a priority and started changing his activities to include me. Listen to what others are saying... If you were a priority in his life, he would make time for you. The fact that he is not means you are not that important to him. Take the cue and start to separate yourself from him and find someone who WILL make you a priority in their life. 3
stillafool Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 OP (if you have the time) offer to come over to his house and make him dinner so when he does come home he will have you and food to look forward to. A hard working man (person) would love this idea. If he rejects it, you've got problems.
Author elizabetk Posted May 20, 2016 Author Posted May 20, 2016 Thanks everyone! Katie - If I didn't know other people who work the same job as his, I wouldn't think twice before walking out of the relationship. Yet, my own uncle does the same job (for a different bank, more senior now ) and he was saying that there is not much my boyfriend can do in terms of freeing his time. If he does, he would be out of the door - it is a difficult concept to grasp. He works Saturdays until after midnight and I usually get a call from the cab. In terms of food, dinner is always delivered on his desk via Seamless (he would send pictures if trying a new meal). All in all, his waking time is dominated by work and when he gets home, he crashes. We would message goodnight and exchange a few sweet words. I am fairly certain he hasn't met anyone else, mainly due to the fact I know his past. He ended a six year relationship a couple of years ago and has not been exclusive with anyone until I came along. It's funny because it's not him that made that statement but his mother who was ecstatic to meet me. In fact, his friends have affirmed this more than once. To understand how important work is for him, I had to call his own dad and apologise for us not being able to attend his 60th birthday as boyfriend was stuck in a meeting . Carrie - I think the key difference is their age and success in respective field. Boyfriend has another 1 to 3 years to climb up the ladder before he can slow down. Again, I knew what I singed up for when we started dating. Stillafool - As he doesn't get home at dinner time and eats on his desk, I know an offer like that wouldn't be of much use at the moment.
elaine567 Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 I understand he is terribly busy and awfully tired but the usual sweet nothings have turned into rare occurrences and it's as if my boyfriend is a completely different man. ^^^this is worrying^^^ Not wishing to rain on your parade but If You're Married To A Banker, There's A 72% Chance He Or She Cheated On You - Business Insider "Of those that have had an affair, 87% of the dalliances involved a work colleague, with 82% of male respondents admitting they've had an affair with a more junior co-worker."
Author elizabetk Posted May 20, 2016 Author Posted May 20, 2016 ^^^this is worrying^^^ Not wishing to rain on your parade but If You're Married To A Banker, There's A 72% Chance He Or She Cheated On You - Business Insider "Of those that have had an affair, 87% of the dalliances involved a work colleague, with 82% of male respondents admitting they've had an affair with a more junior co-worker." Haha, thanks Elaine. One cannot argue with hard data. I work in a similar corporate environment myself, cheating almost comes as a part of the package for most. To be honest though, if I was to go down that slippery slope, it would be purely cased by my own insecurities. One could/would always find a way to cheat if they wanted to. I know the majority of boyfriends team and have been to a lot of work drinks, colleague's weddings etc., which ! makes it easier to relate and trust him. Never say never though
elaine567 Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 Haha, thanks Elaine. One cannot argue with hard data. I work in a similar corporate environment myself, cheating almost comes as a part of the package for most. To be honest though, if I was to go down that slippery slope, it would be purely cased by my own insecurities. One could/would always find a way to cheat if they wanted to. I know the majority of boyfriends team and have been to a lot of work drinks, colleague's weddings etc., which ! makes it easier to relate and trust him. Never say never though OK, but it would explain the sudden coldness. This is the guy who was all over you with talk of babies and pregnancy from the start, now that guy has gone AWOL. Too much, too soon. Be careful here.
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