Girlfriend with depression/anxiety feels weird talking to me

[bar]

A little background- we're both in our 20's and we've been dating for close to half a year. After a month of dating we had a big fight and things have been weird ever since.

 

I've talked to her and she feels anxious talking to me because of our past arguments, and it's really affecting us. She doesn't know to what extent it affects our relationship, because of depression and everything.

 

She says talking to me is extremely draining sometimes, so I don't know what to do. I've tried to give her space; but we already barely talk and see eachother.

 

Is it possible for her to forget that weird feeling? what should I do in the mean time? Try to give her more space and barely talk, or should we take a temporary break?

[katiegrl]

 

She says talking to me is extremely draining sometimes

 

Can you elaborate on this?

 

What things are you attempting to talk to her about?

 

I have been with men who emotionally drain me too. Such men have been needy and demanding.... I felt pressured to always have to live up to their usually unrealistic expectations and demands.

 

They made me feel anxious as well.... which didn't last long cuz I ended those RLs.

 

I am not suggesting you're like this, but if you could elaborate on why she feels talking to you is "draining" it might shed some light.

 

Is she an introvert for example? That might explain. As we introverts need lots of lone time. Most extroverts don't understand this and demand our constant attention.... which can cause us much anxiety.

Edited May 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[bar]

Can you elaborate on this?

 

What things are you attempting to talk to her about?

 

I have been with men who emotionally drain me too. Such men have been needy and demanding.... I felt pressured to always have to live up to their usually unrealistic expectations and demands.

 

They made me feel anxious as well.... which didn't last long cuz I ended those RLs.

 

I am not suggesting you're like this, but if you could elaborate on why she feels talking to you is "draining" it might shed some light.

 

Is she an introvert for example? That might explain. As we introverts need lots of lone time. Most extroverts don't understand this and demand our constant attention.... which can cause us much anxiety.

 

Anything, really. Just talking to her in general. I've asked about her days/what she's up to and she's gotten weird. Once she told me she feels like I'm interrogating her.

 

She simply said she was going out later and I said "Oh, that's cool. Who are you going with?" and she was weird and later said she felt like I'm interrogating her sometimes.

 

She doesn't tell me about any of her plans or anything that's going on with her. Sometimes I'll find out about stuff when she posts it to facebook. I usually just ask how her day is, what she's up to, ext. I keep the questions to a minimum because she gets so weird about it.

 

I've asked her what's draining and she said she feels weird talking to me sometimes. She says it might be due to how I handled previous conversations/arguments.

 

We had arguments/fights when she wanted to go to dinner with her ex, just the two of them, and when she cancelled our date (which she constantly does) and instead of making another date for that she made plans with a crush she had from a year ago. she feels weird talking to me because of how I got upset about this stuff before. I've gotten bad anxiety from all of this and I confront her about her feelings about me; because she doesn't act like she cares about me at all and asked if we should break up and stuff. We've had that talk a lot, because she's physically and emotionally distant.

 

I try to make conversation with her and she gives me one word answers/doesn't try to keep it going, when I ask her questions she gets extremely weird, and when I talk about myself she gives one word answers and it makes me feel like garbage, as if she doesn't care, so I have a hard time doing that.

 

As for being an introvert, I have no idea. She talks a lot when we're in person, but she feels weird messaging me. She's always texting her friends too. We used to talk a lot before things got weird between us too.

Edited May 17, 2016 by bar

[katiegrl]

 

I've asked her what's draining and she said she feels weird talking to me sometimes. She says it might be due to how I handled previous conversations/arguments.

 

We had arguments/fights when she wanted to go to dinner with her ex, just the two of them, and when she cancelled our date (which she constantly does) and instead of making another date for that she made plans with a crush she had from a year ago. she feels weird talking to me because of how I got upset about this stuff before.

 

I've gotten bad anxiety from all of this and I confront her about her feelings about me; because she doesn't act like she cares about me at all and asked if we should break up and stuff. We've had that talk a lot, because she's physically and emotionally distant.

 

Well in a nutshell you're incompatible. She needs lots of emotional space, you need closeness.

 

She interprets your questions (and need to talk) as your being insecure and needy.

 

You interpret her nonchalance and need for space as she doesn't care.

 

You become anxious as a result.

 

She feels emotionally suffocated as a result.

 

You need a new girlfriend dude, simple as that.

 

She isn't wrong and neither are you. You're just not compatible.

 

Sorry.

[bar]

Well in a nutshell you're incompatible. She needs lots of emotional space, you need closeness.

 

She interprets your questions (and need to talk) as your being insecure and needy.

 

You interpret her nonchalance and need for space as she doesn't care.

 

You become anxious as a result.

 

She feels emotionally suffocated as a result.

 

You need a new girlfriend dude, simple as that.

 

She isn't wrong and neither are you. You're just not compatible.

 

Sorry.

 

I've suggested a break, and she doesn't want to. I told her she probably needs space so we should take a week or two away from eachother and she didn't say much to it and proceeded to talk to me normally later. Followed by telling me she doesn't want to take a break, and it's pointless to take a break because we barely talk/see eachother anyways. Then she got weird and told me to stop talking to her, and then I suggested we should get together Thursday and she said she had plans, I asked doing what, and she said she'll tell me later. So our typical thing now.

 

She talks a lot to other people, she's just weird solely with me. It's also gone beyond nonchalance to her being grumpy and yelling at me when we're together or just being rude.

 

She talks to other people for several hours on facebook everyday, and we talk for maybe 5-15 minutes; sometimes we exchange 10 messages a day while she spends 3 hours talking to her friends. We also see eachother once a week, and we don't really do anything during that time. We talk for a bit and she goes to sleep while I watch stuff. Her need for space is ridiculous and we're just a label at this point.

 

She used to be clingy too, she does it to a lot of people. She likes to talk. Just not to me anymore.

Edited May 17, 2016 by bar

[katiegrl]

bar.... you don't need her permission to break it off.

 

You are not happy, YOU make the decision to break it off. No need to ask or suggest a break, even a short one.

 

You wish her well and walk away. Permanently.

 

Frankly, she sounds more than weird, she sounds completely dysfunctional, or maybe that's just how she is with you because..... well, you're just not compatible.

 

But seriously, she says one thing, then another, then back to the original thing, then something else altogether.

 

It's impossible to have a healthy RL with someone like this. It's crazy making.

Edited May 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[bar]

bar.... you don't need her permission to break it off.

 

You are not happy, YOU make the decision to break it off. No need to ask or suggest a break, even a short one.

 

You wish her well and walk away. Permanently.

 

Frankly, she sounds more than weird, she sounds completely dysfunctional, or maybe that's just how she is with you because..... well, you're just not compatible.

 

But seriously, she says one thing, then another, then back to the original thing, then something else altogether.

 

It's impossible to have a healthy RL with someone like this. It's crazy making.

 

She has problems with depression/anxiety so she doesn't do the best day to day.

 

She might just tell me a flurry of excuses hoping one will make our problems go away, or that the truth might cause more troubles or hurt me. She's anxious to talk to me, so I imagine she's worried about upsetting me with an answer.

 

We're both unhappy, she's told me once before, but she wants to keep working on things because she wants it to work out. I want it to work out too, because I love her a whole lot.

 

I just don't know what to do, I'm grasping at straws here.

 

I've considered breaking up with her, but there's always a brief glimmer of hope that says "maybe if you gave her space and didn't argue everyday things would get better", "maybe a break will settle things and we can start fresh"

 

But there's also the thought that I'm letting my guard down and I'll get hurt a lot more by continuing this. Or that she'll realize she hates me if we take a break.

 

And I'll admit, it is crazy making. I'm severely depressed and I hate everything and want to die every day, and I can't let go because there's always a small hope things can work out, and that maybe she does love me. She had the same thing with her most recent ex where she loved him a lot but shut him out due to arguments, so he ended it, but sometimes I don't know if it's different and she doesn't love me.

Edited May 17, 2016 by bar

[joseb]

If she is able to talk for ages with friends but gets anxious and can't talk to you at all, it sounds like this relationship is done.

Do the decent thing for both of you and end it. You are only causing each other pain. It sounds awful.

Let it go.

[bar]

If she is able to talk for ages with friends but gets anxious and can't talk to you at all, it sounds like this relationship is done.

Do the decent thing for both of you and end it. You are only causing each other pain. It sounds awful.

Let it go.

 

You don't think anything is salvageable? Nothing can be worked on?

[katiegrl]

You don't think anything is salvageable? Nothing can be worked on?

 

We all know joseb very well here.

 

If he thought there was something there to work on and save, he would have told you.

 

He didn't. Because there isn't.

 

Sorry

[Buddhist]

Whatever weird feeling she has is within her. It will be there whether you are in the picture or not. Because it's within her, it's also nothing you can fix. If this is not the relationship you want then do yourself a favour and move on.

[bar]

Whatever weird feeling she has is within her. It will be there whether you are in the picture or not. Because it's within her, it's also nothing you can fix. If this is not the relationship you want then do yourself a favour and move on.

 

Given time you don't think her anxiety about me could alleviate? If we just played it slow and didn't have any arguments or anything you don't think it could get better?

[Buddhist]

Given time you don't think her anxiety about me could alleviate? If we just played it slow and didn't have any arguments or anything you don't think it could get better?

 

Probably not because the 'anxiety' is just a story she tells herself to avoid being around you. She is not even honest with herself what it is all about, she will never be honest with you about it. All you are doing here is causing yourself pain. She is helping you to cause yourself pain by not letting you go. You need to make a decision that's in your best interests, which may not necessarily be the same thing as what you want.

[bar]

Probably not because the 'anxiety' is just a story she tells herself to avoid being around you. She is not even honest with herself what it is all about, she will never be honest with you about it. All you are doing here is causing yourself pain. She is helping you to cause yourself pain by not letting you go. You need to make a decision that's in your best interests, which may not necessarily be the same thing as what you want.

 

Yeah. I've thought the same thing. It's probably best for both of us if I did it. She gives me a lot of false hope (occasionally) and has a knack to rip it away sometimes.

 

It's going to be especially difficult because we have a vacation planned for next week, it's been planned since January. Only ~$150 has been invested so far (I think) and she's been looking forward to it.

 

Should we still try to go? Should I break up with her before or after this? It's a 3 day thing.

[Buddhist]

Your choice entirely on that one.

[bar]

Your choice entirely on that one.

 

Would it be easier to break things off now, and move on? I'm worried that It'll be harder to break off afterwards- or I'll just prolong it again under false hope afterwards.

 

I was looking forward to it, so much. We've gotten together once or twice a week to not really do much so 3 days together would have been fantastic. It's unfortunate I'll have to give her $100 for no reason, but whatever.

 

I could break it off now and not go

I could wait until after we go and break it off- and things might be harder to do

I could break it off now and try to go

 

I don't know which one to do.

Edited May 18, 2016 by bar

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship is only a few months old and already it's not working.

 

If you both struggle with anxiety and depression, you need to stay apart and get to a healthy emotional place before dating. Otherwise, you're compounding each other's issues. And no, her anxiety isn't going to just magically disappear. It's already an unsatisfying relationship. She isn't letting you get close to her; a couple cannot function when one shuts the other out.

 

You said this is making you unhappy. That's all you need to know.

 

Sorry OP, but the writing is on the wall. There's no need to drag this out.

[bar]

I tried talking to her again today and she was extremely difficult to talk to. All she would respond with was one word answers. I decided that's it and asked her if I could come over to hangout, she said yes so I went over. I intended to go over and break it off with her.

 

She was nice and sweet and we talked quite a bit before she went to sleep. I couldn't bring myself to do it since we were doing well.

 

She talks to me a lot in person and tells me everything that's going on; her plans, what happened recently, ext.

 

She's only weird when it comes to texting/messaging me. We talk a lot in person and we always make each other laugh. It wasn't always like this, we used to text/message a lot.

 

We had this situation back in January, she'd only answer me with one word answers and was really distant because we argued a bunch. It improved after 3 weeks; we never got back to how we were when we started dating (honey moon phase though? things cool down don't they?)

 

We got out of this slump once before, could we do it again? Is it worth trying?

 

We've only been seeing each other once a week, if we started seeing each other 2/3/4 times a week could that improve things? We usually get along perfectly fine in person. There's a schedule conflict because she works nights so she sleeps during the day; and with depression she sleeps even more. I could go over to talk to her for a bit and cuddle/nap with her.

 

I'm happy when we're together because we're good. When we're apart things feel like they're falling apart, since we don't talk or anything. It's a push/pull dynamic with my happiness with the relationship. As stupid as it sounds if we moved in together things would probably improve...but that's crazy talk considering how we are now. She's mentioned moving in together when she moves out 10 months from now.

Edited May 18, 2016 by bar

[bar]

We've been together for 6 months and I had a feeling she didn't love me. A lot of stuff pointed to it.

 

Monday I confronted her and asked if she loved me and she said "I like to think I do, but sometimes I don't think so because I get so irritated by you and never want to do anything.", she then suggested a break a break after the vacation and told me she considered breaking up with me a few times because she's anxious telling me things and she's caused me a lot of heartache.

 

She told me she was crying so there's something there, so I don't know. She's excused her irritability/not wanting to do anything on depression, so she doesn't know there too. She just knows her feelings for me are all ****ey.

 

Yesterday, Tuesday, she messaged me and told me she's worried about me and she feels like I've given up trying to fix things and told me she does love me; and that her emotions can get dumb sometimes and she does love me and wants things to work.

 

I have a feeling she tried to take everything back so we'd still go on the vacation together though, so it wouldn't be ****ty and we'd have a good time. She said she was hoping the time together would fix some things between us too.

 

So, my questions are- should I still go on the vacation? Should we still try to work things out, or just call it quits?

[Acerboy]

What exactly irritates her? Did she say?

[bar]

What exactly irritates her? Did she say?

 

She doesn't know. I have no idea either. She wouldn't elaborate, but she gets weird when we text sometimes. Innocent questions like "Oh, what are you guys up to?" when she says she's with a friend annoys her.

[kztar]

We've been together for 6 months and I had a feeling she didn't love me. A lot of stuff pointed to it.

 

Monday I confronted her and asked if she loved me and she said "I like to think I do, but sometimes I don't think so because I get so irritated by you and never want to do anything.", she then suggested a break a break after the vacation and told me she considered breaking up with me a few times because she's anxious telling me things and she's caused me a lot of heartache.

 

She told me she was crying so there's something there, so I don't know. She's excused her irritability/not wanting to do anything on depression, so she doesn't know there too. She just knows her feelings for me are all ****ey.

 

Yesterday, Tuesday, she messaged me and told me she's worried about me and she feels like I've given up trying to fix things and told me she does love me; and that her emotions can get dumb sometimes and she does love me and wants things to work.

 

I have a feeling she tried to take everything back so we'd still go on the vacation together though, so it wouldn't be ****ty and we'd have a good time. She said she was hoping the time together would fix some things between us too.

 

So, my questions are- should I still go on the vacation? Should we still try to work things out, or just call it quits?

 

Call this QUIT ASAP. Did you pay for insurance on this vacation?. Maybe you can cancel and loose partial of the money.

 

My ex who I was with for 1.5 years started saying the same things to me, he was unsure of his feelings, he was going through "depression". Initially I believed this BS. But then I realized this was not the real problem. Plus after we broke up and I was devastated, guess who was happily in a relationship a month later?. you wouldnt believe it. MY EXXXX who was under "depression". There's other threads here with your same issue and the outcome has always been the same.

 

The depression these people have is that they are not happy being with YOU. Leave this now or let it be worst later. Basically this is when they are detaching but don't want to be real about it because it will hurt you. If you try to work it out like I did you will have the same outcome and just strung yourself along. OP from experience, I say leave this alone sooner than later.

[bar]

Call this QUIT ASAP. Did you pay for insurance on this vacation?. Maybe you can cancel and loose partial of the money.

 

My ex who I was with for 1.5 years started saying the same things to me, he was unsure of his feelings, he was going through "depression". Initially I believed this BS. But then I realized this was not the real problem. Plus after we broke up and I was devastated, guess who was happily in a relationship a month later?. you wouldnt believe it. MY EXXXX who was under "depression". There's other threads here with your same issue and the outcome has always been the same.

 

The depression these people have is that they are not happy being with YOU. Leave this now or let it be worst later. Basically this is when they are detaching but don't want to be real about it because it will hurt you. If you try to work it out like I did you will have the same outcome and just strung yourself along. OP from experience, I say leave this alone sooner than later.

 

Well, she had depression prior to us dating. She's always been plagued by depression and anxiety. That's the first things that we talked about when we met.

[kztar]

Well, she had depression prior to us dating. She's always been plagued by depression and anxiety. That's the first things that we talked about when we met.

 

SAME THING WITH ME. Told me when we initially started dating about his previous depression issues. His mom even confirmed. When we were going through our troubles his mom told me to "be patient" with him. I was and got DUMPED. Means NOTHING.

[bar]

SAME THING WITH ME. Told me when we initially started dating about his previous depression issues. His mom even confirmed. When we were going through our troubles his mom told me to "be patient" with him. I was and got DUMPED. Means NOTHING.

 

Yeah. I believed it for a bit but my trust slowly eroded. A few things unravelled and it ruined that for her.

 

What issues did you two have? What was his reason for leaving?

 

another thing though: When we're together we're usually really good. We touch and cuddle a lot, and we talk a lot too. It's mainly online we have issues and she feels weird talking to/telling me things; sex/kissing dropped off though.

Edited May 25, 2016 by bar