keiji Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 I guess this is going to be a long post, but I need to vent, I really do. I'm not back to square one at all, but I certainly closed a door today and threw away the key. That sense of finality always gives you some vertigo. It's certainly happening right now. Next week it would have been four months of NC in which I've improved enormously. I barely recognize myself, and those around me keep telling me how happy I seem and how contagious my joy is. I'm even working out, which is quite unusual for me, and generally having fun and trying to improve as a person. I'm also dating some girls and feeling great altogether. But... The day we broke up I said I needed to go NC. She tried to string me along, and I promised I'd write her when I was doing fine. She seemed genuinely sad that we wouldn’t be seeing each other in a long time. That promise was something that was gnawing at me far too regularly. In our last conversations she managed to make me feel guilty and almost fully responsible for the failure of our relationship. I was so weak and devastated that I ate it all up. Seeing that human wreck she had in front, she also took the opportunity to slip in that she was sleeping with some guy to try to forget me and that he didn't mean anything to her. And yet she gave me that totally unnecessary information. She wanted me to hurt, it was her little revenge, and I did hurt for sure. I, whenever meeting a girl for drinks, for example, avoid certain areas out of respect. I don’t want her to see me and feel bad (I kind of know she would, not because she loves me; it’s her ego itching there). I don't like hurting people and I expect them to do the same. She has no qualms in being extremely cruel, as she herself admitted once. I've really tried to see her in a positive light, just forget the bad things and let months go by until we could build a healthy friendship. After all, resentment is the worst you can do to yourself. It’s you who feels a knot in the stomach, not them. However, last week the bad blood started flowing out like crazy for no apparent reason. It got increasingly bad. It was like the bad memories were grabbing me by my shoulders and telling me to stop thinking about how kind and cute she is and what an idiot I am for not having been more invested in the relationship. Two weeks after the breakup my grandmother died after spending a week in hospital and repeatedly asking whether "the girl" would come to visit her (she knew nothing about the breakup). It broke my heart and I still get emotional when thinking or talking about it. I was so close to my grandma all my life and deep down I knew that "the girl" couldn't care less. I didn't tell her about her death, because I knew I was bound for a new disappointment, but at my mum's urge, two weeks later I gave in and messaged her to let her know she'd passed away. She said she was sorry, like you politely tell a stranger, and never again asked how I was doing. My father has cancer since last July. In the six months after the breakup, including two of LC, she never asked how he was doing. And let me tell you, I'd break NC if my ex-g was in trouble. It may sound disrespectful to do such a thing, but I can't help caring about someone I've spent two years of my life with. To top it all off, I resumed contact in January (because I'm an idiot) and two days later my cousin, whom my ex had met several times, had a stroke. She'll never be able to move or speak again. She's 39 and has a kid. Of course, my ex-g never asked how she's doing. I could go on an on forever now that I'm reminiscing our relationship and replaying all the moments where her selfishness came out in all its glory. I never met someone as selfish as her. I can’t say I got a lot of affection, either. She was emotionally disastrous. Her version of “madly in love” would be the equivalent of a short-lived infatuation for me. We’re light years apart emotionally speaking. But I’m not going to justify her anymore. I think she behaved like s****. At least that’s how I feel. So yesterday I sat down in my terrace, opened a beer and wrote an e-mail where I told her I couldn’t see her as a friend in the future, that in my life I only wanted people who cared about me, and that she'd had ample opportunities to prove she did but it never materialized. To get my point across, which should be unnecessary, I also mentioned what I just said in my previous paragraph. She replied and, although I promised myself I wouldn’t read it, I saw the first line and I couldn’t believe it. I’m victimizing myself, apparently. She’s good and I’m bitter for no reason. That’s why she prefers to not keep in touch, which is funny because it was me who started no contact and blocked her everywhere. I could almost picture an ice-block typing that heartless reply. She even complained that my message was personal, I'm not joking. What’s a message to an ex-partner supposed to be? Impersonal? It’s like she’s trying to read Cyrillic when it comes to emotions. Most of you will think that it was wrong to contact her, and you’re probably right, but I’m one of those people who need to get things off their chest or they’ll end up feeling more anxiety and anger than they can deal with. Was it pointless? Yes and no. We live in a relatively small city, so an unfortunate encounter is not far-fetched, especially in summer with all the beach bars, music festivals, etc. I’d rather see her and not acknowledge her presence than have an inane and awkward conversation with someone that I know for a fact couldn’t care less if I died on the spot. The only thing I regret is not having done this before. I was feeling terribly guilty for not wishing to contact her, as if I was taking an unconscious revenge of my own, and I was fighting it. And suddenly, all the reasons for cutting her out of my life came to the surface. I’m not a saint, but I care about the people I love. My ex-girlfriends know that they just have to call if they need something and I’ll be there in no time. I speak almost daily with two of them. I’ve had short affairs with girls and 90% are still friends. I love them and I know they love me too. And then I spend two years with someone who disappears and never looks back and it’s me who feels guilty? Yes, I’m glad I broke no contact. Thanks for reading if you got this far. If someone thinks I deserve a reprimand, I’ll accept it chivalrously. And thank you too LS people. You’re much more helpful and reassuring than you probably think.
Frank13 Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 If it helped you then I see nothing wrong with it. Sometimes there is a delayed effect and you feel good at first and then a few days later it puts you back to square one.
Author keiji Posted May 17, 2016 Author Posted May 17, 2016 If it helped you then I see nothing wrong with it. Sometimes there is a delayed effect and you feel good at first and then a few days later it puts you back to square one. Definitely not square one, but I'll have to keep the bad memories close at hand so I'm not invaded by guilt or regret. Cutting ties forever is definitely a huge thing. But I know now there's things I can't forgive and seeing my grandma on her deathbed asking about her and me thinking "even if I tell her, she won't care. Don't expose yourself to a huge disappointment. This situation is bad enough", is quite telling in itself.
Cooper04 Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 Breaking NC may be a bad thing for many, maybe most, people, but sometimes it gives you a sense of closure. I broke NC, met up with my ex and it helped me close the door. At least, I felt and continue to feel a lot better after I talked to her. Breaking NC is not something that warrants a reprimand, it's something each person has to decide for themselves and in each individual situation. Don't let anger and bitterness dominate your thoughts, keep focusing on improving yourself and your own happiness. Haven't spoken to my ex in 5-6 weeks. Saw her randomly on the street today, decided to ignore her. Tomorrow is her birthday, I'm going to send her a happy-birthday message. Because I don't care if she responds or not. And breaking NC is what got me to that stage in the first place. 1
Author keiji Posted May 18, 2016 Author Posted May 18, 2016 Breaking NC may be a bad thing for many, maybe most, people, but sometimes it gives you a sense of closure. I broke NC, met up with my ex and it helped me close the door. At least, I felt and continue to feel a lot better after I talked to her. Breaking NC is not something that warrants a reprimand, it's something each person has to decide for themselves and in each individual situation. Don't let anger and bitterness dominate your thoughts, keep focusing on improving yourself and your own happiness. Haven't spoken to my ex in 5-6 weeks. Saw her randomly on the street today, decided to ignore her. Tomorrow is her birthday, I'm going to send her a happy-birthday message. Because I don't care if she responds or not. And breaking NC is what got me to that stage in the first place. Thanks for your replies. I guess you should only break NC when you're pretty sure about the potential outcome and have made a conscious decision, as it's my case. I always recommend not breaking NC, hence my comment about the reprimand, but it's always a case by case thing. Anyway, it's been more than 24h and I'm still feeling OK, a bit weird perhaps, but satisfied to have grabbed the bull by the horns once more. She's shown her true colors enough for me to know that I don't want her in my life in any capacity. I was tired of hearing myself say "she's a very good girl, but...". No, she's not, and I was wrong to choose her.
tinkerbell16 Posted May 20, 2016 Posted May 20, 2016 I guess this is going to be a long post, but I need to vent, I really do. I'm not back to square one at all, but I certainly closed a door today and threw away the key. That sense of finality always gives you some vertigo. It's certainly happening right now. Next week it would have been four months of NC in which I've improved enormously. I barely recognize myself, and those around me keep telling me how happy I seem and how contagious my joy is. I'm even working out, which is quite unusual for me, and generally having fun and trying to improve as a person. I'm also dating some girls and feeling great altogether. But... The day we broke up I said I needed to go NC. She tried to string me along, and I promised I'd write her when I was doing fine. She seemed genuinely sad that we wouldn’t be seeing each other in a long time. That promise was something that was gnawing at me far too regularly. In our last conversations she managed to make me feel guilty and almost fully responsible for the failure of our relationship. I was so weak and devastated that I ate it all up. Seeing that human wreck she had in front, she also took the opportunity to slip in that she was sleeping with some guy to try to forget me and that he didn't mean anything to her. And yet she gave me that totally unnecessary information. She wanted me to hurt, it was her little revenge, and I did hurt for sure. I, whenever meeting a girl for drinks, for example, avoid certain areas out of respect. I don’t want her to see me and feel bad (I kind of know she would, not because she loves me; it’s her ego itching there). I don't like hurting people and I expect them to do the same. She has no qualms in being extremely cruel, as she herself admitted once. I've really tried to see her in a positive light, just forget the bad things and let months go by until we could build a healthy friendship. After all, resentment is the worst you can do to yourself. It’s you who feels a knot in the stomach, not them. However, last week the bad blood started flowing out like crazy for no apparent reason. It got increasingly bad. It was like the bad memories were grabbing me by my shoulders and telling me to stop thinking about how kind and cute she is and what an idiot I am for not having been more invested in the relationship. Two weeks after the breakup my grandmother died after spending a week in hospital and repeatedly asking whether "the girl" would come to visit her (she knew nothing about the breakup). It broke my heart and I still get emotional when thinking or talking about it. I was so close to my grandma all my life and deep down I knew that "the girl" couldn't care less. I didn't tell her about her death, because I knew I was bound for a new disappointment, but at my mum's urge, two weeks later I gave in and messaged her to let her know she'd passed away. She said she was sorry, like you politely tell a stranger, and never again asked how I was doing. My father has cancer since last July. In the six months after the breakup, including two of LC, she never asked how he was doing. And let me tell you, I'd break NC if my ex-g was in trouble. It may sound disrespectful to do such a thing, but I can't help caring about someone I've spent two years of my life with. To top it all off, I resumed contact in January (because I'm an idiot) and two days later my cousin, whom my ex had met several times, had a stroke. She'll never be able to move or speak again. She's 39 and has a kid. Of course, my ex-g never asked how she's doing. I could go on an on forever now that I'm reminiscing our relationship and replaying all the moments where her selfishness came out in all its glory. I never met someone as selfish as her. I can’t say I got a lot of affection, either. She was emotionally disastrous. Her version of “madly in love” would be the equivalent of a short-lived infatuation for me. We’re light years apart emotionally speaking. But I’m not going to justify her anymore. I think she behaved like s****. At least that’s how I feel. So yesterday I sat down in my terrace, opened a beer and wrote an e-mail where I told her I couldn’t see her as a friend in the future, that in my life I only wanted people who cared about me, and that she'd had ample opportunities to prove she did but it never materialized. To get my point across, which should be unnecessary, I also mentioned what I just said in my previous paragraph. She replied and, although I promised myself I wouldn’t read it, I saw the first line and I couldn’t believe it. I’m victimizing myself, apparently. She’s good and I’m bitter for no reason. That’s why she prefers to not keep in touch, which is funny because it was me who started no contact and blocked her everywhere. I could almost picture an ice-block typing that heartless reply. She even complained that my message was personal, I'm not joking. What’s a message to an ex-partner supposed to be? Impersonal? It’s like she’s trying to read Cyrillic when it comes to emotions. Most of you will think that it was wrong to contact her, and you’re probably right, but I’m one of those people who need to get things off their chest or they’ll end up feeling more anxiety and anger than they can deal with. Was it pointless? Yes and no. We live in a relatively small city, so an unfortunate encounter is not far-fetched, especially in summer with all the beach bars, music festivals, etc. I’d rather see her and not acknowledge her presence than have an inane and awkward conversation with someone that I know for a fact couldn’t care less if I died on the spot. The only thing I regret is not having done this before. I was feeling terribly guilty for not wishing to contact her, as if I was taking an unconscious revenge of my own, and I was fighting it. And suddenly, all the reasons for cutting her out of my life came to the surface. I’m not a saint, but I care about the people I love. My ex-girlfriends know that they just have to call if they need something and I’ll be there in no time. I speak almost daily with two of them. I’ve had short affairs with girls and 90% are still friends. I love them and I know they love me too. And then I spend two years with someone who disappears and never looks back and it’s me who feels guilty? Yes, I’m glad I broke no contact. Thanks for reading if you got this far. If someone thinks I deserve a reprimand, I’ll accept it chivalrously. And thank you too LS people. You’re much more helpful and reassuring than you probably think. I don't know the entire story of your relationship and break up however I wanted to offer you a potential perspective of a woman who went through something similar with my ex. After I went no contact he reached out to me when his grandmother was hospitalized and later died. I had a similar responses too him. "So sorry to hear"... short and non emotional. Now this was a woman I loved dearly (I was with my ex for more than 15 years). My ex probably read my responses as cold but the reality was I HAD to detach from being his support... why? Just 3 months before this he had abandoned me and our family he wanted emotional support from me when he literally had just put me through hell. Maybe your ex isn't as cold as you think... I mean why would you have stayed two years if she was as cold as you depict her. Maybe she just needed to detach to maintain her own well being. And yes, my ex would be at my door step if I needed him. But I would never ever ask. It would just feed his ego that he is a great guy when he really is a selfish, broken man... who happened to have an amazing grandmother.
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