albino Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 Hi all, I am new to the forum and would like to say thank you for any help you have to offer. So to start -- my partner and I have been together for over 5 years. She has two young children from her previous relationship.We have lived together since basically the beginning of our relationship. Another bit of information would be that I have moved across the world (literally) to be with her. Originally I started out in this country very randomly, backpacking, but met her by chance here (had met her earlier in another country). We have been together since then, living together with the children (their father doesn't really have anything to do with them as he lives far away and never sees them). We have travelled through this country, from one coast to the other, all together. We have been through a lot of ups and downs; have survived as a family with pennies to our names, have lived without a home for weeks, have gone without a car for months (first-world problem, but a big one in a city with fairly poor bus service!). The reason I point out all these lows is to show that we were (are?) a team; that we are capable of pulling through anything. She and the kids went overseas for a couple of months (that's us saving up a lot of money) to travel (backpacker style, of course). When she came back, our first night was great. We talked and talked and talked and did the you-know-what. Her second night, she came into bed after putting the kids to sleep, and had a very, very sad/nervous look on her face. This wasn't a normal face for her. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me "I don't love you anymore." Of course, I did what every grown man would do, and acted like a child. I told her she was wrong, that we could work through this, we could go see someone. She said no, we can't work through this. We slept in the same bed, with clothing on (something we've basically never done). She held me, I woke up every 20 minutes crying like a little baby, holding her tight. The next morning she went out with her girlfriend, after we took the kids to school. She said she wouldn't be long. I had a choice to make, and that was to stay or to go. Now this is easy when you're in your home country, where you haven't spent the last 4 years of your life gaining residency based on your relationship. So I packed as much of my clothing and work gear as necessary, and left. Called a taxi (we only have one car) and headed to my friend's house. Whom, I must point out, I am very grateful for. I let her know I'd left, and that I wasn't giving up on us, but that we need space. She told me to stay, that she would be back soon, but I'd already gone. Now it's been only 5 days, I know, but these 5 days have honestly been the worst experience I've gone through. And I've had my share of bad experiences. The main reason I'm in this country is to be with her. I have a few friends, but no lifelong friends like I do back in my other country. In two months, I'll be flying back there for my sister's wedding. Anyways, she has texted me everyday since then. She will ask if I need anything, if I need food, etc... But I don't. Can someone please confirm why she's doing this? I already know, but need someone else to say it. I had to go back and grab some things for work two days after the breakup, and she hugged me and held my hand, and we sat, and I did what any grown man would do and cried and told her she's wrong. Such genius, might I add! She has told me that she can never be as low as she was the year before, when she was in depression and seeing a psychologist. She has stated that this was because of all of our fighting. We fought, but not a lot. I think perhaps she was facing an internal fight with me, one that I didn't know about. I fully supported her when she was seeing her psychologist. I asked her if there was anything I could do, if it was me, or us, that was affecting her so strongly. She said no to me at the time. But I fully supported her through her low. She texted me the following day and agreed that we should seek counselling. I've set up my end, as we agreed to go in individually at first, and then together afterward. I do not know whether she has set her end up -- can I ask? Do I ask? I do not want to pressure her into it if she doesn't want to; however, it was her that said we should. I have come to terms with the fact that no, we didn't have this amazing, great achievement of a relationship. I see now that we did have a lot to work on, both of us, may I add, as individuals and as partners. But we did have a relationship that was strong. I must point out that the children, whom I've raised with her for over half of their lives, are a huge part of my life. I love them. That these three people are my family, and that this is not just about me losing my partner, but my entire family, my entire reason for being here, and three people that I deeply love. I do not see much reason for me to stay here if we do not work things through. My question: What do I do? I know a lot of people think, Don't talk to her, ignore her, etc... But I am not one to play these games at this games, not in my situation. There are two children I love involved. I think really what I want is not an answer, but just to share this and see what people will say. I will be attending counselling myself in a couple of days -- hopefully she will too. I won't ask if there is still hope. I've calculated that at about two percent chance, which I accept. I am working on improving myself, for myself (and I do mean that). I am going to work every day, am doing some meditation to calm myself at night (the dark is a terrible place when you feel alone). I will be starting at the gym either today or tomorrow, not in a vain attempt to swoon her or any other girl, but because I have in the past and know that the endorphin release basically makes you high and happy. I will be taking courses to get my motorcycle licence this week -- something I've wanted to do for ages but she convinced me not to because of the dangers involved in riding one. Not that I'm trying to hurt myself, but it is something that I have wanted to do for a long time now and haven't. This is for me. I will be looking for woodworking workshops and clubs, as this is something I've not honed much skill in, and am interested in doing. I may be quitting one of my jobs, as my boss (and only coworker) is quite negative, not toward me, but toward everybody, and leaves me feeling the same way. If we do start counselling together, I wonder if I will move back in, or do I find my own place? I suppose they'll guide us on that. She did not force me to leave, and has asked me when I'm coming back home. I have told her that we should not be under the same roof unless we are trying to reconcile and/or in couples therapy/counselling. TL;DR My partner of 5 years, whom I have travelled across the world to be with along with her two children (forming my family that I seriously love to bits) has told me she doesn't love me anymore. I have left our home (by my own accord, not hers) and am residing at a friend's. I suggested we do counselling, to which she originally objected, but later told me that we should (I had not mentioned it again to her before she suggested we do). I have gone from telling her she is wrong, to realising that she is right -- we weren't great (for the last year). But we were strong, we have been through some of the biggest challenges a family could go through. I am doing things for myself (and I do stress, for myself and not her): going to work, meditation at night, about to join the gym, going to set up for motorcycle lessons, and crying sometimes like a baby. So, what? What now? (Apologies for the longest thread I've ever posted) 1
PegNosePete Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 She goes overseas for a couple of months, then comes back and suddenly has fallen out of love with you, but is still showing care in a platonic sense... Hmm, my cheating sensor is going off pretty strongly here. I would say there's a very strong probability that there way 3rd party involvement while she was away. she has texted me everyday since then. She will ask if I need anything, if I need food, etc... But I don't. Can someone please confirm why she's doing this? She doesn't love you, but she does still like you. She wants to make sure you're OK. She feels guilty for hurting you and wants to make sure you're not hurt too much and wants to help you feel better. This is of course enlightened self-interest. If she knows that you're OK, that she didn't hurt you too much, then she will feel better about herself as well. She texted me the following day and agreed that we should seek counselling. I've set up my end, as we agreed to go in individually at first, and then together afterward. Why do you need individual counseling? It seems pretty clear that you know what you want. I'm not really sure why you agreed to that. Yes, ask her what's going on. Tell her that you need to know what's going on with your relationship and you need to make some serious life choices, and to do that you need to know where you stand w.r.t. possible reconciliation. I know a lot of people think, Don't talk to her, ignore her, etc... But I am not one to play these games at this games, not in my situation. Firstly, these are not "games". It is a method of moving on which is the most effective at limiting your pain. It is not a cheap trick to get back an ex. However I don't think you're at that stage yet. You need to find out what's going on first. IF there is truly no hope for reconciliation, then you can think about NC. I have told her that we should not be under the same roof unless we are trying to reconcile and/or in couples therapy/counselling. Very sensible, I agree with this. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 Sorry to hear this, OP. You must be shocked. You have outlined a lot high points and strengths of the relationship, but what were the weak points? What were you arguments about? That might help us understand her frame of mind a little more. I understand there were financial struggles, but how were things between you as a couple? I also would be wondering if there is someone else involved, perhaps someone she met or reconnected with while she was traveling. I think you are doing the best thing by staying away from the house for now. I also wouldn't move back for the time being. If she is willing to see a couples' counselor and you find some way to rebuild, then perhaps. But not now. It will be too confusing for you and the kids. As the other poster questioned, I wonder why you are going to attend individual counseling? What is it you feel you need to work on, on your own? 1
Author albino Posted May 17, 2016 Author Posted May 17, 2016 For some reason, I cannot get the multi-quote option to work. PegNosePete: I don't think she has cheated on me, and I sincerely hope there isn't a (re)connection with somebody else. Honestly, if she cheated on me with some random, I'd be able to deal with that, as there would be reason(s) as to why she did that, which would, in turn, be the true issue to be worried about. If she's (re)created a connection with somebody else, then it becomes something very different, on another level. The individual counselling was suggested by her, to begin with. I agreed, and when booking my counselling session, it was also suggested by the receptionist. I have a few things I'd like to sort out myself. I.e. how to talk to someone about this, how to change to better myself (I'm currently trying to do that but it won't hurt to learn more), and any other benefits of personal counselling. The idea is also that we will both use the same counsellor. I think I misspoke when I said under the same roof. I meant, living under the same roof. I've had to pick up things a couple of times over the last few days. All of my possessions are there, so there isn't a workaround to this. And yes, I actually did have to grab these things (tools for work, for example). I see what you mean by no contact coming into play when there is no hope for reconciliation. This will, however, be seriously difficult as then it becomes zero contact with the two kiddies I've come to love so much as well. I guess there is a solution to that. ExpatInItaly: Read above about my take on her cheating / (re)connecting with somebody else, about counselling questions, and about how I misspoke about not going around there at all, please. Our financial troubles, to be honest, were never a burden on our relationship. Neither one of us is huge on wanting more and more and more material goods; so long as we survive, we are alright. I promise we take showers every day, and the kids have always had all their needs and then some. Our fights would typically, just about always, be about small things. Really stupid, small things, like one of us leaving our clothes or towels all over the place, or just being lazy about other things like cleaning up the dishes. I admit I would be very cranky to her sometimes from long days at work to picking up kids, feeding them, showers, bed time, washing their lunch boxes, making them lunches for next day, etc... while my partner was studying or going to classes at university. I would be admittedly tired from very long days and, without considering how long her days were as well, would have zero tolerance for any sort of negative comment from her. These were points were we would argue over what I consider small, stupid things. It wasn't the things necessarily, but the situation and the lack of proper communication that we would argue or *fight*. We never threw dishes like they do in the movies, and there was definitely never any violence. Our fights never grew too huge, usually we would just stop. There were days when we would stop fighting and hug each other. I wonder why we didn't do that more often. I think a build up of a lot of small things has lead to this. For example, I used to text her every morning as I arrived at work telling her I loved her and to have a good day. She'd text me back as well, the same sweet things. I stopped one day half a year ago, and it just never continued. I think this was one thing she looked forward to every morning from me; it was a habitual thing. I would honestly park my car on the side of the road before arriving at work just to send her these texts. I think I stopped because she never sent them to me; but looking back, it was just our thing for me to send it first. I'd always done it. Maybe this hurt her, but she never said anything. Or maybe this was a balancing bit of good against something else that was bad; when it stopped, then the bad outweighed the good. I don't know. Just one small example... Other things we would fight about included the children. Final, bigger decisions I was sometimes left out from having a say in. The same applied for how we were raising the kids; our views differed, but hers was, the vast majority of the time, the final word. I couldn't argue, because, well, they're not my children. After a couple of years, there were moments were I just felt like I was a babysitter. That isn't to say I didn't love the kids, but that's just the feeling I had. She used to always call me her hero. I remember thinking once that I'm not her hero, and I told her that. I told her that we're a team; I'm not out to save her, rather, I'm here to be with her. On a strange note, I did go by today to grab some necessary things. I maintained a very positive attitude. No sad face, no nothing. I did not feel sad. I didn't walk over and hug her like the last time I was there, instead, I grabbed what I needed and said hi to the little ones. She asked me if I could take care of the kids a couple of days from now for the nighttime (she has an early night shift at work). I said no, and told her I cannot be there just like that. She asked if that was it; if I didn't want to see the kids anymore. I let her know that what I would love most is to see them, and that I'd absolutely love to take care of them that night, but that I can't, as we need to have boundaries set. I told her that if we are not working on the relationship, and if we are not a unit, then I cannot be a part of the family, not like this, not only when I'm needed. She teared up. She hugged me, and stayed teared up until I left. She waited at the front door to wave goodbye, with tears. I don't know what to make of that. I assume she was nearly crying because she is seeing the reality that I will move on; the reality of what is going on. But you guys seem to have a more objective view than I can give on this subject at this time, with my muddled, hopeful thoughts. Thank you for the responses so far, you both have given very good insights! 1
PegNosePete Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 I assume she was nearly crying because she is seeing the reality that I will move on; the reality of what is going on. Yes, I think you've hit the nail on the head there. She is seeing the consequences of her actions. She is sad because she can't have her cake and eat it; she can see what she is losing, because you're not going to be her doormat / free babysitter. But she doesn't ask for a reconciliation. Clearly her motivation to break up is still greater than the consequences of losing you. You seem to have your head screwed on right. Trust yourself more. But I do think you need to find out what's gong on in her head. You need an answer, whether she wants to reconcile or not. It's not fair on you to be kept in purgatory for so long. Seems like she's buying time with this individual counselling thing. The most common reason for buying time is that there's another guy on the scene and she wants to see how it goes with him before cutting you loose. It's called monkey branching. A monkey does not let go of one branch until she has a firm grip on the next. If the new branch breaks, she can swing back safely to the old one. 3
Toodaloo Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 She likes you. She doesn't love you. Yes there were good times but she doesn't want you in her life now. Go home. Enjoy your sisters wedding. Build a new life. 1
Author albino Posted May 17, 2016 Author Posted May 17, 2016 Seems like she's buying time with this individual counselling thing. The most common reason for buying time is that there's another guy on the scene and she wants to see how it goes with him before cutting you loose. It's called monkey branching. A monkey does not let go of one branch until she has a firm grip on the next. If the new branch breaks, she can swing back safely to the old one. While I can see this being common, I have my doubts that she would not outright tell me. She's not one to hide something like that; perhaps I should just ask her straight if there is somebody else. She texted me at four in the morning letting me know that she cannot sleep, that our problems should not be put on the kids. It's this lack of sleep that makes me believe there isn't another guy, not right now anyway, or she would be hopeful that he'll take my place. In her text she's mentioned that she's been hurting and upset for a long time now. Another reason why there probably isn't another guy; this has been a build up I believe 1
266696687 Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 (edited) I'm sorry Albino but I think you really need to consider the possibility that while she was away she met someone else. She was away for a few months and upon her return almost immediately ended the relationship with you. Literally on her second night back. Your first night was filled with reminiscing, talking and reconnecting only for her to blindside you with 'I don't love you anymore' less than 24 hours later. The only thing that really springs to mind here is cheating. Nothing more. I know that's not what you want to believe or what you want to accept but that would be the number 1 scenario on my list. If she did cheat on you she may not have any intention of continuing a relationship with that person (as they are overseas) but she could be ending the relationship out of guilt or remorse. She may not want to own up to what she did if she cheated so would rather end the relationship or she may intend to continue the new relationship once she has ended things with you first hence her rush to end things with you upon her return. There is definitely more too it and you need to open your mind to all possibilities including cheating. It's highly unlikely that she would own up to it even if you asked her outright. Why was she away for a couple of months? Who did she stay with? Edited May 17, 2016 by 266696687 2
LD1990 Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 While I can see this being common, I have my doubts that she would not outright tell me. She's not one to hide something like that; perhaps I should just ask her straight if there is somebody else. Famous last words. I hope there's not someone else as that's terrible to go through, but be careful about assuming "she's not like that." A lot of guys and girls say that about exes. The majority of the time, they're wrong. 3
266696687 Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 Famous last words. I hope there's not someone else as that's terrible to go through, but be careful about assuming "she's not like that." A lot of guys and girls say that about exes. The majority of the time, they're wrong. Totally agree. So many times they are cheating even if they don't seem the 'type'. She had plenty of opportunity to cheat being away for months and ended their relationship immediately upon her return. 2
Poutrew Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 Sorry albino, but you do not have a future with this girl. Really, you are just a babysitter, and before that, a bed warmer (so much better than the electrical kind, but still just a bed warmer). You need to stop seeing her, and you need to keep telling yourself that those kids are not yours, and you never had a say in raising them. Really, she did you a favor by letting you off the hook while they are so young that they will not remember you. If it was later, you'd be out all the money you would have saved for their college fund...Go NC on her and live your life. When you go to see your sis maybe you should consider staying there and reconnecting with old friends, and finding a new job. At any rate, you need to stay strong for YOU. Just like she is staying strong for HER. When you find a new girlfriend, one who really cares about you, whenever you do recall this one, you'll be amazed that there was a time that you would have been willing to settle for her and the sh*it she was shoveling down your throat. 1
Poppyolive Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 What do you do?? If someone doesn't love you, and want to be in a relationship with you, then you can't really force them, beg them, pray they'll change their mind. One foot has been out the door for a while, the second is joining it. All her checking up on you is sweet, but, it's prolonging your heartache. You need to face it head on and barrel through. You'll find someone who wants to be with you, and will.love you. It takes two to make a relationship work, she's bowing out. Just let her go. You'll be OK. 1
PegNosePete Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 While I can see this being common, I have my doubts that she would not outright tell me. She's not one to hide something like that; perhaps I should just ask her straight if there is somebody else. As the poster above said, famous last words. If I had a pound for every poster who said that, I would be a millionaire by now. Every single poster thinks their partner is different, that they would tell them if they found someone else, that they wouldn't lie or hide it. Now maybe she is the 1 in a million exception to the rule, but I doubt it. If she cheated or had someone else, she would NOT tell you, I guarantee it. No cheater EVER tells, unless they have absolutely no choice, and many still lie, lie, lie even when faced with irrefutable evidence. But really it's a moot point. As I said above you need to find out what's going on with her, and if she wants to reconcile or not. You're currently in relationship purgatory and being treated like a "friend". That is not a good place to be. 1
Satu Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 When someone tells you that they don't love you anymore, it usually means that they never really did. 1
Author albino Posted May 18, 2016 Author Posted May 18, 2016 No cheater EVER tells, unless they have absolutely no choice I have cheated in the past, and have come upfront about it with nobody telling me to do so, no chance of being caught, and no clue to be given; no questions asked if I had. We all f*** up, but that does not make us f*** ups. Maybe my conscious gave me absolutely no choice. Who knows? Yes I'm in relationship purgatory. It will end soon.
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