Lenke Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 I've been lurking for awhile and have been really bothered a great deal with some of the threads I've read. Just the sheer amount of pain and heartbreak is gut wrenching and it's simply incomprehensible to me how people can claim that they love their spouses and yet engage in such destructive behavior that would wreck the very people they claim to love. This is not meant to insult or offend. I'm just trying to gain understanding. It seems that I hear all the time that affairs "just happen". That people aren't necessarily actively looking to have affairs, but an unexpected emotional bond happens and then down the slippery slope they go. So I guess this is really to ask how can we make sure we never find ourselves on the slippery slope in the first place? I have read many times in other blogs that crushes are normal and even healthy even if you're married. To me, it seems this attitude and general acceptance towards having crushes is the beginning of the slippery slope. We allow ourselves the innocent fantasy and allow our minds to entertain just a little flutter in our stomach. It's okay. I would never act on this and it's just innocent, we tell ourselves. It's safe because I have no intention of pursuing anything with this crush. Of course I can share my thoughts and feelings about such and such, he is a nice person and we have so much in common. It's just coffee. It's just lunch. Isn't he easy on the eyes? I sure love how I feel when I'm around him. Down the slippery slope we go. So maybe crushes are normal. But maybe, just maybe, they shouldn't be and when we talk about having healthy boundaries, we should be pretty clear that having crushes isn't healthy at all. What are your thoughts? Is is unreasonable to expect that people not have crushes if they are in a committed relationship? Or is it a sign of insecurity if I expect my husband to have eyes for only me? Let me be clear, finding people attractive is different than being attracted to someone. We can admire other people and think they are attractive, but in my view, having a crush or being attracted to someone means that a little corner of your heart and mind is no longer focused on your spouse or SO. And when that happens, when we allow that to seep in and erode away at our relationship it can turn from innocent to dangerous rather quickly.
NTV Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 I think crushes are normal. I also think you have to be an idiot not to notice if you have one. And then if you're in a relationship and/or marriage you squash the emotion. No one is a victim of their emotions.
carhill Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 Yeah, I knew something was wrong with our M when I started noticing other women and their flirtations. Before, it was a flatline and such was a normal style for myself throughout life. I later learned in MC that such a perspective was a bit outlier and having crushes as a married person wasn't abnormal and can easily be processed in a healthy manner in the M.
Gloria25 Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 When I'm into someone, no one can catch my eye and/r interest. Like my current guy. All I think about is "him". When we hit it off, any/all other guys I was pursuing fell off my radar. So yes, we're not dead cuz how can you not notice/acknowledge an attractive person? But if you are making room in your head for that other person then something's wrong. 1
Gloria25 Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 Naw, I think most people are just idiots. Or: (2) Selfish; (3) Genuinely not getting their needs met in their current RL. 2-Selfish for me means that they could be flirts, insecure, etc..and no matter how good their SO may be, they are constantly seeking attention of others to satisfy their ego, self-esteem, boredom even. 3-Not getting what they want from their SO. Again, I'll quote Paul Newman, who said of his lovely wife, Joanne Woodward - 'Why go out for hamburger when I have steak at home?' So, when you're happy/satisfied in your RL, no one is gonna catch your eye - much less time/space in your head. So no, crushing is not "normal" when you have someone already. 1
GunslingerRoland Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 I think it depends on how you define a crush. To me when I use that term it's usually to refer to women/girls that I really barely knew. It's a mix of physical attraction with a bit of intrigue into their personality. But while I've had crushes as a married man, I'm referring to women I see on transit every day and never talk to, or coworkers that I don't really have more than an occasional brief conversation with. In the couple of cases where I got to know the coworkers better, it's faded as a crush and just become a regular friendship. To me I don't see that as a slippery slope to anything. I've never actually dated a girl I had a crush on even when I was single. It sounds like some are referring to crush as something a lot more intensive, spending a lot of time with someone and already developing some sort of strong emotional bond.
NTV Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 Eh I think the not getting needs met is misleading. Hermits live alone in the woods without it, so it's not truly a 'need'. The word itself implies risk of death when not met. I need air food water shelter clothing sleep. I will die without those things. Even applying mas lows hierarchy of needs puts social above that and social doesn't necessarily mean romance in that instance. So I don't really agree with the third. In fact in my marriage prior to ww cheating I wasn't having my sexually "needs" as described by either of the too major books met. I communicated it correctly. Nothing changed. I handled it myself as I figured this was marriage and focused energies elsewhere (hobby kids etc). Was I satisfied with the marriage? Fu*k no. But a marriage takes two and I wasn't willing to leave over it. And despite sexually repressed state I did not look elsewhere. In hindsight would I do it again? No. But it was done am I am not dead so it wasn't truly a "need". Yup just a "want".
RecentChange Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 Hum..... I agree with points raised by various posters..... When my relationship is strong, my needs (yes, needs for happiness and fulfillment) for love, support, attention and sex are being met, my eye never strayed. Sure I might have a co-worker that was cute and I enjoyed joking around with - but that was the extent of it. I was pretty blind to guys attempting to flirt with me, and not many "caught my eye". Now.... Enter the slippery slope. In a time of my life when my needs weren't being met (which I didn't not consciously realise beyond a low level disatifcation) - I opened my self up to that downward slide. First it was just noticing he was cute, then spending a little time together each day, then a bit of a crush, which I had pawned off as harmless, because I had NEVER let one develop deeper or go anywhere before..... But then came the reciprocated attraction, followed by opportunity - and " woosh" over the cliff I went. I won't say selfishness wasn't the overiding factor. But if you are going to say that most affairs happen for only one reason, and that it isn't often complicated, I am going to disagree.
Whoknew30 Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 I married young, so I had many crushes in my first few years. I personally think crushes are harmless. I ended up having an affair but it wasn't someone I had a crush on, I hated my husband at the time & used it to exit my marriage...the whole crush thing never was a factor. My H has had crushes too & we laugh about it. There are so many good looking people it's hard not to...we had a nanny that I had a girl crush on & im not gay! My H would call me & ask if she was at our house so he'd know to suck in his stomach & we'd both burst out laughing, she was so good looking. A crush is from afar, going for drinks & out is crossing the line, that's no longer just a crush, you're starting to get personal.
healingsoul Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 You noticed what I notice all the time. It makes me have a new perspective on life to see the amount of people who are in agony because of relationships. However, as you noted much suffering can be averted if couples have basic rules of boundaries and commitment. As a person who has been married 32 years we early on established a relationship: we don't spend time alone with a person with a person of the opposite sex since we are married. That means we don't drive in a car alone with a person of the opposite sex, go to lunch/coffee, travel together on busienss trips, etc. We make sure someone else is with us. Then nothing can "just happen". Then we never use the work "divorce" in our marriage. It is off the table. We are committed to each other and to make our relationship work. YES, it is normal part of being a human to notice others, especially if you are attractived be some features, but that is simply a temptation that must be resisted and the person needs to fall back their boundaries and commitment. 1
blackcat777 Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 I've seen it said around here a good way to deflate the power of a crush if one happens, is to discuss it openly with the spouse. Would any married people care to share thoughts on this? If I see a good looking person, he's good looking, but that's IT. I would never privately text or hang out with another man! I take extra care to keep distance between myself, and, say, an attractive coworker, so that I purposely dis-invite those lines to be crossed. Or if anybody flirts, I find a way to throw "my boyfriend" into the sentence. Fortunately I crush mostly on fictional characters I tell my boyfriend this, I tell him what I like, and then I tell him why he's better (Evil wizards... whew!) 1
xxoo Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 Crushes are normal. Dating your crush (lunch, coffee, etc) is not normal. Don't do that. The important thing is to have a crush on your spouse, and date your spouse, regardless of whoever else happens to stir your interests. Redirect that attention and energy to your spouse. In fact, it can help keep the spark at home 1
katiegrl Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 I've seen it said around here a good way to deflate the power of a crush if one happens, is to discuss it openly with the spouse. Would any married people care to share thoughts on this? If I see a good looking person, he's good looking, but that's IT. I would never privately text or hang out with another man! I take extra care to keep distance between myself, and, say, an attractive coworker, so that I purposely dis-invite those lines to be crossed. Or if anybody flirts, I find a way to throw "my boyfriend" into the sentence. Fortunately I crush mostly on fictional characters I tell my boyfriend this, I tell him what I like, and then I tell him why he's better (Evil wizards... whew!) I think a crush is little more than finding someone good looking. It's the same feeling you probably felt when you met your SO.... that chemistry, that spark. I don't know if it's normal per se, but it does happen. However when you make a commitment to another person, you DON'T act on it. You don't engage it. You make an effort to squelch it. Sadly, many people don't and they DO act on it. Or begin flirting believing that is all it will be. But it usually escalates and that is where the trouble begins. JMO but commitment just isn't taken seriously anymore by many people. Marriage has become a joke. People lying, cheating, deceiving, literally murdering each other in some cases (I've been watching too much Investigation Discovery...lol). That would be another thread altogether though so won't get into that. But yeah a crush can happen, but again once you make a commitment, you just don't act on it!
William Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 Folks, since this is a general question, we'll leave this thread open to responses but don't expect any replies from the thread starter. Thanks!
ashteller Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 Crushes are totally normal, but not when you are already in a relationship. I am in the biggest crush of my life right now and it's driving me insane. I don't do the forum thing or at least haven't for past 5 years and I am like all over this site. It's all about finding balance which I have not found yet myself. I am a hopeless romantic and impossibly optimistic.
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