Thoughts on whether to break up after vacation?

[Conflict]

I'm in dire need for advice, opinions or thoughts.

 

My girlfriend and I are going on vacation this weekend. We'll be out of the country for a week. This is our first big trip together. We had planned this back in the beginning of the year. It was her idea that we go on vacation. I'm having second thoughts regarding the relationship. We're both in our late 20's. We've been dating for 2.5 years and I'm not happy or satisfied as I once was with the relationship. I've slowly realized within the last 2 months, I've had these feelings and on top of that, harboring feelings towards my ex and I feel my ex is the person I'm supposed to be with.

 

Background with my ex

We broke up about 3 years ago. She was having second thoughts and I had asked for space/time apart. She got upset, took time to figure things out and ended with me. I didn't give up, I wanted us to work things out. The relationship lasted 1 year. It was because I took her for granted. Throughout the years, she made contact with me just on small talk (greetings, how are you, wanting to be friends etc). I replied to all of them casually and not thinking much of it. Recently, we've been in contact through texting. She then says in respect to my girlfriend, that she's gonna stop contacting me. I know deep down she still has regret and feelings for me.

 

Current relationship

The reason I'm not happy and satisfied is due to several factors.

 

1. Financial situation

Back in 2014 she had two jobs. One was full time and part-time. She still has her part-time job, her main career full time job is no more. She's not saving enough and this job is only enough to get her by with bills and other expenses. I feel there's no effort with her trying to find a new one as it's been two years. We both live at home. I make a lot more than her and I'll have enough for a down payment on a house in a couple years, but I can't do it alone. I've mentioned it plenty of times to apply for a full time job, but she gets defensive and says I just nag. The financial situation is 80/20 right now. 95% of the time I'm paying for the restaurant meals when we dine out once a week. It used to be 50/50.

 

2. Hygiene

She used to keep a tight knit on keeping with cleanliness. Most days her hair is not washed and her feet have a foul odor. It's a very big turn off. I've tried discussing it, however she gets angry when I do. I've tried to help with it by washing her hair and her feet when she comes over, but she doesn't maintain this when I'm not around.

 

3. Lack of attraction

She used to wear make up and dress nicer. As the relationship went on, she has become more comfortable, lazy and stopped trying as hard on appearance. I still keep up with looking my very best, especially on the days I see her. I find myself staring at other girls wishing she put more effort into this.

 

4. No goals/ambition

I feel like she's living in the moment. She doesn't have any set goals to try to achieve or the desire like I do. I have specific goals that include buying a house, obtaining a higher paying job, marriage, raising a family, retirement savings.

 

5. My feelings for my ex

I thought I was over her long ago. I'm realizing she's the one I want to be with. I'm trying to shake it off, but I can't. I do have thoughts of trying to get back with her for a second chance. I haven't acted on any of this. If she were to say no to a second chance, I'll move on.

 

What should I do?

I'm confused. I love her, I don't want to ruin the vacation by saying any of this to her. She's been looking forward to this trip this for very long time and so am I. Everything has been paid already with no refunds. I'm having feelings of breaking up. After the vacation, should I ask for space/time apart after the vacation and think things over? or break it off completely? She's a very nice girl and I don't want to blind side her from out of the blue. It seems so heartless and cold. Please help!

[Itspointless]

Do you know for sure your girlfriend is happy? She sounds a bit depressed. Sometimes our lives do not go as planned and that can be a tough road. Also you sound a bit judgmental, something you probably do not sense about yourself.

 

I don't want to ruin the vacation by saying any of this to her. She's been looking forward to this trip this for very long time and so am I. Everything has been paid already with no refunds. I'm having feelings of breaking up. After the vacation, should I ask for space/time apart after the vacation and think things over? or break it off completely? She's a very nice girl and I don't want to blind side her from out of the blue. It seems so heartless and cold. Please help!

 

You should not stay in something you do not feel. And trust me, it will ruin the thoughts of her vacation anyway. Also as you write that you are 2,5 years with her after ending it 3 years ago with your ex I just advice to be alone a bit longer the next time. It does not sound like you processed what you had with the previous girl. Is the grass really that much greener with her?

 

You do what you need to do, you already made the decision so better do it now.

[ChocolateRain]

OP you write in your post you are confused --- reading your post well, so am i ....

 

Have you ever tried to find out what is wrong with your current GF ? Behaviors that she displays dont just come out of the blue , there must be a reason ...

 

you say that you think that you should be with your ex ??? Are you still in touch with your Ex ?

 

then in your last segment you say you love your girlfriend ... if you loved her really you would first try and work things out somehow , again that is if you really loved her .

 

But to me it sounds your mind is already in another place ... then you need to do the right thing and make a choice .

[elaine567]

YOU don't want your gf and you want to be with your ex, so forget the vacation and tell the gf you want to break up instead.

NO point in wasting anyone's time. In her late twenties marriage will be on her mind, so you do not want to lead her on any further if that is not your intention.

She doesn't sound like she is happy anyway, maybe she is well aware that you are not totally into her.

Let her go.

[Zahara]

I think your mind is made up. Your heart is already elsewhere. I don't think any amount of talking is going to fix how you feel.

 

Personally, I'd rather my partner end with me before the vacation. It's one thing to be heartbroken over an ending but to experience an extreme high only to be followed with an extreme low would be cruel. She's going to be so confused wondering how you both went from vacationing together to a sudden breakup.

 

I wouldn't prolong it any further.

[Ocean Rain]

I would agree with the person who said it sounds as though your current girlfriend might be depressed--that is how it's coming off.

 

But if you've already decided to go, then it's best to get it over with now, and just take the hit on the money. It would be cruel to go on vacation with her, then break up with her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do not take this vacation with her. It's going to be a lot more hurtful to go and then end the relationship after.

 

I think you probably lost interest a while ago and it sounds as though you've already made up your mind that this isn't the girl for you. I agree with the others that she is displaying some possible symptoms of depression; there is something underlying her current behaviour. But I think your heart and mind are elsewhere already. Your girlfriend very likely senses this, too.

 

As for the ex - don't contact her any further unless and until you are 100% single. It's not fair to anyone in this scenario. When you end your current relationship, feel free to pursue her. But please, stay No Contact with her in the meantime.

[burnt]

Do not go into this vacation with her. It is not fair to HER.

 

You said this vacation is something she has been looking forward to. That means, her heart and soul will really be in enjoying the time with during the vacation. That means she will inevitably make strong emotional memories during the vacation. Then after the vacation when she finds out that you already emotionally checked out of this relationship BEFORE the vacation, that would mean that not only will she be forced to live with all those painful memories of being with you during the vacation, but also feel humiliated that you strung her along during the vacation though you were done with her.

 

 

You sound like your feelings for your ex are strong enough to build a healthy bond with your current gf.

 

Even if you don't have a future with your ex, you shouldn't string your current gf along while you are trying to figure things out.

[Karin2rinkashi]

Do whatever you want to with your current gf, that is your decision, and seems like you have already made up your mind.

 

But, DO NOT GO BACK TO YOUR EX. She is the one who broke up with YOU! yes, you started the whole conversation but she took the step. There is no right or wrong in this. But she made her choice!

 

And if you go back to your ex after breaking up with your current gf then this can come back to bite you in the long run. First, you will not only hurt your gf now but she will also be hurt that you got into a relationship so soon afterwards. Not that it matters what she thinks in regards to your life, but you are a human being and so is she. Don't ever hurt anyone too much, only what is necessary (as weird and contradicting as it sounds).

 

Also, your current gf might be having issues, and I AM NOT EVEN JOKING, this break up might even help her to get out of that phase where she is not thinking properly and not taking care of herself. And you ending it and going to back to your Ex will not be such a good way to smooth things out after break up.

 

I have seen SO MANY times when people broke up to go back to their Ex. 3 years later, the one you broke up with is on top of the world (Professionally, socially, and economically), But your EX that you went back to is not in love with you anymore.

 

Karma is a bitch! And it bites real hard.

 

Break up with her because YOU don't see her as a good fit. Don't break up because you see your EX as a better fit (for now), which (statistically speaking) is a suicidal move in 80% of the cases.

 

EXES ARE EXES FOR A REASON. BECAUSE YOU X THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

 

Take steps forward, not backwards!

Edited May 17, 2016 by Karin2rinkashi