andrem11 Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 Background: My ex and I started dating in December of 2013. We really loved each other and were picturing a future together. She said she pictured me as the guy she would marry and have kids with. We always fought, but it was always things that we got through. She ended up transferring colleges twice and the second time things got really rocky. We had a lot of bad fights and we broke up, mostly due to her partying or always hanging out with guys or her new school. I felt like she was changing and it freaked me out a lot. I started a lot of these fights and would often be passive aggressive, and it only made it worse because she was becoming distant and partying more. We broke up but a few days later she reached out to "get back together" as a couple without a title in December of 2015. Things were getting better, but we had another fight recently and this led to the most recent ending. I am 22 (M), and my 22 (W) ex ended things with me a little less than a month ago. The first weekend of the breakup, she said she needs to be on her own for a while and can't be in a relationship right now. She said she wasn't doing this to get in any flings or see anyone and was talking about needing to find herself. She even posted an article for an online journal on this. She said she loved me but we couldn't be together as long as we continued to be long distance and she needed some time apart to determine if we could ever be together anyways. She eventually said maybe we could see how things went after she graduated (which was about a month away). I was upset, but I respected it and went no contact for a week. During this week, I vented to my friend about her and she was somehow signed in on my facebook and ended up seeing this conversation. I broke no contact after a week asking her if she still meant what she said and she said that she wasn't sure anymore because of what she read in my venting. We talked that weekend and everything seemed fine, but she was still upset and at the end she said love wasn't enough to make her want to be in a relationship right now and that she needed space. During the next week I begin to beg and she gets progressively more cold and distant. I told her I was going to send her a letter to see if I could change her mind and she said she didn't think it would, but she still wanted to read it. After I send this letter, she goes cold for the weekend and now she starts barely responding when I text her. I was expecting a response to this letter I put a lot of time into and it wasn't coming. I start pleading with her to stop ignoring me because I still had hope and if there shouldn't be I at least wanted a response. She finally responds Sunday about how busy she was and that she would talk to me when she was free. During the next week, she gets even more cold and the following weekend I ask if shes seeing anyone else and I find out she is and they'd been having sex for about a week. I was absolutely shocked and broken on how this whole situation played out. She said things were going well and he made her happy and that she didn't know if they would start dating. She kept bringing up how this guy didn't judge her like I did and how he accepted her. Now she's saying that she will always have love for me, but fell out of love and that she wouldn't be able to do this with the new guy if she still loved me. I'm so mad and told her I needed to block her and couldn't be in contact for a while. I have been no contact for about 6 days now. Any insight and advice on this situation would be appreciated.
RecentChange Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 My advice? Continue no contact. Sounds like she has changed and moved on. From the start you said that this has been a rocky relationship. College graduation is a time of big changes, starting new lives - and a time many "school age" relationships do not survive. Learn from this - take your own time to heal and move on. No more begging and pleading for her to take you back. That stuff never works and just breeds disrespect and contempt. 1
Author andrem11 Posted May 16, 2016 Author Posted May 16, 2016 I think the worst part is, she had a sexual past she always said she regretted and always talked about how she wasn't that person anymore. Then she went and slept with this guy while barely knowing him. I just feel pretty betrayed about the whole situation. Also the new guy is still going to be in school for one more year, so she's going to be entering another long distance relationship within a few months anyways which doesn't make sense.
RecentChange Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 Well, it's hard to know what is going through her head right now. Maybe she is just having some fun, just because she slept with him doesn't mean that they are embarking on some long term, long distance relationship. He might just be Mr right now - a distraction perhaps. 1
Little-Wolf Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 I just want to say I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. Just know that you're not alone in your heartache, although sometimes it feels like the loneliest place on earth! You're doing a good job with NC, keep it up. I've been on both sides of the dumper/dumpee coin. (Currently experiencing the latter unfortunately) and please, please promise us you wont send her any more letters. I've been in this boat. The letters mean nothing. I remember reading through my first boyfriend's love letters, (Very long story, we ended up getting back together only for me to be dumped and left absolutely broken hearted. It took me 8 months to finally move on when I found out he had got a 16 year old girl pregnant. We were both 19 at the time.) and believe me, they meant nothing. They irritated me more than anything, because all I could think of was "It's too little too late." I needed space, and the more I demanded that, the more letters would arrive at my door. It became annoying, more than a decleration of love. They should be something you do for your significant other WHEN you're in a relationship, not after. Just keep busy, OP. I am suffering too, and believe me, I wish I could go back in time and change things, but you can't. When you accept that, you can start letting go of the hurt. Make sure you don't have any days where you're not doing anything is my only advice. Don't dwell on the hurt. That's when it becomes unbearable. I wish you all the best! 2
Author andrem11 Posted May 16, 2016 Author Posted May 16, 2016 Little wolf, thank you for your reply. I promise I won't be sending any more letters to her. She's seeing another guy now, and I have enough respect for myself that I won't be chasing after someone who was able to move on so quickly from something that was so important to me. I'm sorry to hear about your situation as well, and I hope you recover swiftly. 1
LD1990 Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 She checked out of this relationship a long time ago. A long distance couple without a title? So basically she talks to you when she wants and tells everyone else she's single. You can't trust anything an ex tells you. All that cliche garbage, I need to find myself, I'm not planning on seeing anyone, it's all just about getting rid of you without dealing with any unnecessary drama. Once someone dumps you there's nothing you can do to get them back, only push them further away, and your neediness just pushed her further away (hence her getting colder when you sent her the letter and pleaded with her). Keep her blocked. Stay NC. Accept that it's over. Change your damn Facebook password.
Author andrem11 Posted May 17, 2016 Author Posted May 17, 2016 The thing is, she mentioned she wanted to see what I had to say then completely disappeared for about 3 days (I assume this is when her and the new guy started sleeping together). Oh well, such is life I guess.
Author andrem11 Posted May 17, 2016 Author Posted May 17, 2016 I went into more detail on the breakup in a previous post, but a TLDR: my ex dumped me and slept with someone else three weeks later even though she gave the typical "need to date myself" excuse. Shes had a lot of shorter relationships, but I was her first long term relationship, so I have to assume she at least cared for me at some point. So my question is, will she ever regret how poorly she went about this breakup? Will I ever get an apology even if it's not for reconciliation. She already said sorry, but it seems more like a sorry for hurting you as opposed to sorry for what I did. All I want to do right now is just call her and yell at her for how hypocritical she was and tell her how much she hurt me and strung me along. I know this will do no good because it's likely i've barely (if at all) crossed her mind since this new guy is in the picture. All I want is the opportunity to tell her how messed up what she did to me was, but I don't know if that will ever come. I refuse to break no contact, but am hoping for an apology one day.
LD1990 Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 Why should she apologize? Breakups are messy. She may not have handled it the best, people rarely do. Dumpers sometimes give false hope in a misguided attempt to help the person they're dumping. She apologized already for hurting you. Yeah, maybe she strung you along a bit, although she may have only been trying to let you down easy. Regardless, that's just as much your fault. She can't string you along if you don't let her. Focus on moving on. So what if she apologizes or not? She calls you up tomorrow and apologizes. OK, she's still your ex, you still have to deal with the breakup, it doesn't change a thing. 2
basil67 Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 Why would you want to get back into a relationship which was full of drama and fighting? It needed to end and she had the courage to end it. You will thank her one day.
Author andrem11 Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 So i've been no contact for 20 days now. I was feeling a lot better, staying busy with work, hanging out with friends, talking to a new girl. I came down with a cold this weekend though and this has caused me to start thinking about the situation again. I thought I was over the worst of it, but this weekend i've come down with intense feelings of anger and hatred towards my ex and what happened between us. Is this a normal feeling at this point in my recovery? Will I go back to feeling the relief I was feeling or will I be feeling angry for a while?
Trinity_84 Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 Yeah it's pretty normal. You'll have good days and bad days. Then less bad days. Eventually no bad days Hang in there 1
Beckywiththegoodhair Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 Yep, you're going to be fine. It's worse right now cos you're sick and had a lot more time than usual to think, but you'll be fine. 20 days is good, keep going and guess what? It gets loads easier soon. 2
Author andrem11 Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 Today has been one of the most difficult days since i've started no contact. I saw a picture of my ex with her new guy (who she slept with less than 3 weeks after she broke up with me) at a party that their family goes to every year. At this point they've been talking for about a month and a half now. I had been hoping that this new relationship would flame out, but it's starting to look more serious than I had thought. I think that's why i'm having such a bad day today. I was talking to a girl, but that has unfortunately come to an end because i'm not able to truly emotionally invest myself in anybody right now. I don't understand how she could have moved on so quickly. Half of me still thinks it's a rebound because I don't understand how you can forget someone you spent two years of your life with in two weeks. The other half thinks it isn't because she's already introduced this guy to her family. What does everyone at LS think? 3
TheFox Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Truth be told this does sound like the classic case of a relationship. All people are different and deal with things differently. It is possible that she is trying to fill the void that you left behind. I don't want to give you false hope, however, she certainly hasn't forgotten you. It's very likely that this relationship won't last. That being said howeve it does not mean she will come back to you. I strongly advise you to continue NC. I also urge you to promise yourself to minimize the "checking up" on her and what she's doing. This will only hurt you more. On another note, I certainly wouldn't try to get into a relationship yourself. This is a time for you and a time for healing. Go out and have some fun, have a few drinks with some good friends and let yourself loose a bit. Most importantly - keep yourself busy and whole heartedly distracted. I have been in your situation twice before. I know how badly this is hurting for you. You need to have courage in this time. I hope those helps. 1
Alamo657 Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 I don't understand how she could have moved on so quickly Because this guy has been sweet talking to her for month and she checked out of the relationship with you looong before breaking up with you. It's just the classic mechanic of a breakup, when there is no abuse but just boredom or lack of emotional fulfilment : they stay until they found and got emotionally invested with the replacement. 3
Deidre Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 You're not entirely no contact, if you still know what your ex is doing. NC means ...not contacting the person outright, yes, but it also means, not listening to your friends tell you about her, not looking at her stuff on Facebook, or social media, not ''bumping'' into her somewhere out in public, etc. It means blocking her phone number, and blocking her everywhere, so you can heal and move on. If you continue to look at her new life, without you in it, you're not no contact, and you're hurting your recovery process. Be better to yourself, and ignore her entirely. 1
Author andrem11 Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 I guess the reason I continue to look at her social media is because the worst of it is over. I already found out that she slept with someone soon after we ended so I don't know what else could hurt me more than that 1
Author andrem11 Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 A big part of me also does believe that she checked out of the relationship before she actually ended it. She was snapchatting some guy (not the new one) 100 days straight and didn't see why this was a problem. 1
Author andrem11 Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 Thanks for the advice fox, I have been trying to stay busy,but i've been down and out with a cold recently so this has been a rough week 1
Deidre Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 Her reasons don't have anything to do with your healing. That's the truth. I've been where you are before, and it sucks...but, until you totally stop looking at social media and really just focus on yourself, you'll never ever get over this girl, or it will take way longer than it needs to. My advice, remove her off of your contact lists on social media, today. Don't say anything, just remove her. Then, you can't see anything. If you are seeing this through other people's social media, maybe take a break from social media until you are no longer tempted to look. This is a process, but if you keep doing this to yourself, you'll never heal. I remember how long it took me with one guy, to go totally NC, but it changed everything for the better, once I did. It will for you, too. 1
Author andrem11 Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 Thanks deidre Some very helpful words. I actually did have her blocked on facebook until today (I don't want to keep her blocked forever), but it's pretty difficult for me to avoid looking at her twitter. It seems as if everyone is in consensus though that I should stop looking at her social media. I guess i'll just have to have a little more self control 2
Author andrem11 Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 Just for some clarification, it has been a total of about 7.5 weeks since we've split and she still said she saw a future, 5 weeks since she started sleeping with this guy, and almost 4 weeks NC 1
Satu Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 (edited) Tough love: Do NC for real, instead of kidding yourself that you're doing it, when you aren't. Stop counting the days. She's removed herself completely from your life, and is with somebody else. That is as gone as gone can be. By spying on her social media, you're just hurting yourself. Your life is about you, and what you do. Not anybody else. Take care. Edited June 4, 2016 by Satu
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