Old gf invites me to event

[remarkablethings]

Hi, this is my first post, please be gentle

 

A girl (I'll refer to as L) who I was once in a relationship (4 years ago the first time) and the last couple of years we have spent some romantic weekends together, recently contacted me.

 

I've not seen her for about a year. The last time I saw her was very amicable and enjoyable.

 

The last 6 months I've been seeing someone else (another former gf - from secondary school!!!?). I'll refer to her as R.

 

So L got in contact with me and invited me to an event about something I am very fond of. She is in London. I don't live in London, so I would have to go down. The last few times I've gone down to visit we have ended up staying together, and therefore there is a high chance she is interested in rekindling something or just having fun. She may just be after a friend but she has plenty of friends so I doubt it.

 

Of course I have nice memories from the times that we spent together, but I am also quite close to R now. R is also someone who maybe would find it strange for me to spend time with someone else. R has quite an open mind and I would be interested in exploring an open relationship but I don't think she would.

 

Anyway that is beside the point. I'm not sure if I want to go down to visit L anyway, as I feel like I've been here before and its not the right thing.

 

I would be interested to get your viewpoints on

- how to tell L I am not interested but also to be clear about the reasoning (because maybe the reasoning is not so clear to me)

- how to discuss the possibility of more openness in the relationship with R

[TaraMaiden2]

"Dear 'L' thank you so much for your invitation. Sadly, now living quite far from London, it would be impractical for me to travel UP to London, as costs would be prohibitive. I am also in a very happy relationship with a wonderful young lady, and we had already made plans for that time. Thanks anyway, all the very best to you, as ever, *remakablethings*"

 

(It doesn't matter WHERE you live in England, when you travel to the capital, you always travel 'up'. That goes for any country; Italy, 'up' to Rome, France, 'up' to Paris, Norway, 'up' to Oslo....)

You don't owe her any greater explanation than that. It's your life, you have a right to live it.

 

As for your second 'dilemma', if you think she would be offended, upset, or merely not up for it, no matter how 'open-minded' don't rock the boat and cause upset, simply because you'd like to explore an open relationship. It would be outside her comfort zone, and you are (if you analyse it) merely suggesting it because it would tun you on and make you happy. But it would very probably make her feel subliminally pressured.

 

I'm extremely open-minded. I've heard things that would, as Bonnie Tyler once sang, "make a crow blush". I used to work in counselling. You'd blanch at some stuff I heard.

That doesn't make me in the slightest bit inclined to sample some of the experiences recounted.

There's a world of difference between being open minded, and compliant.

[Gloria25]

"Dear 'L' thank you so much for your invitation. Sadly, now living quite far from London, it would be impractical for me to travel UP to London, as costs would be prohibitive. I am also in a very happy relationship with a wonderful young lady, and we had already made plans for that time. Thanks anyway, all the very best to you, as ever, *remakablethings*"

 

(It doesn't matter WHERE you live in England, when you travel to the capital, you always travel 'up'. That goes for any country; Italy, 'up' to Rome, France, 'up' to Paris, Norway, 'up' to Oslo....)

You don't owe her any greater explanation than that. It's your life, you have a right to live it.

 

As for your second 'dilemma', if you think she would be offended, upset, or merely not up for it, no matter how 'open-minded' don't rock the boat and cause upset, simply because you'd like to explore an open relationship. It would be outside her comfort zone, and you are (if you analyse it) merely suggesting it because it would tun you on and make you happy. But it would very probably make her feel subliminally pressured.

 

I'm extremely open-minded. I've heard things that would, as Bonnie Tyler once sang, "make a crow blush". I used to work in counselling. You'd blanch at some stuff I heard.

That doesn't make me in the slightest bit inclined to sample some of the experiences recounted.

There's a world of difference between being open minded, and compliant.

 

I agree with your declination quote - except for the part about the new gf. I mean even "if" the ex just wants to play, how does she know that you're dating. I mean, it's like a guy you meet at a party and just ask him what time it is and first thing out of his mouth is "I'm married" and you're like "WTH, chill dude?"

 

If ex keeps on contacting him after he shuts her down for this event, then yes, bring up the gf.

 

I mean, shoot, don't burn your bridges....this current chick isn't your fiancé or wife and if one day you breakup, door will still be open with ex.

 

Also, what do you mean my trying to get your current gf to be more "open"? Open to what? She'd be a fool to send you off on a meet/event/etc without her and with some ex you bumped uglies with in the past.

[whichwayisup]

Tell her thanks but no thanks as you are in a relationships and it wouldn't be fair to your current gf to take off and go with her (ex) to a concert. You don't owe this ex anything. She's your past! Focus on the now and the one who is in your life, your gf.

[TaraMaiden2]

I agree with your declination quote - except for the part about the new gf. I mean even "if" the ex just wants to play, how does she know that you're dating. I mean, it's like a guy you meet at a party and just ask him what time it is and first thing out of his mouth is "I'm married" and you're like "WTH, chill dude?"

Mention of the GF will very definitely send the message as to why accepting the invitation would be inappropriate and unwise. It puts the lid on things. As it should.

 

If ex keeps on contacting him after he shuts her down for this event, then yes, bring up the gf.

A clear message now, will prevent the waste of time, and need to elaborate, later.

 

I mean, shoot, don't burn your bridges....this current chick isn't your fiancé or wife and if one day you breakup, door will still be open with ex.

Which goes against ALL advice on LS about moving on and not looking back.

 

Also, what do you mean my trying to get your current gf to be more "open"? Open to what? She'd be a fool to send you off on a meet/event/etc without her and with some ex you bumped uglies with in the past

.Open to 'an open relationship'. In other words, cheating with both the knowledge and approval of your current so-said 'exclusive' partner. Which in my mind, unless both people are absolutely willing and on board from the get-go, is just an excuse to multi-date and have sex with third parties, while having a warm body at home to go back to, when you feel like it.

[remarkablethings]

Your replies are greatly appreciated. It helped me decide not to go which also matched my gut feeling.

Cheers