We are in love but she is married.

[Am14]

I understand that not being a parent yourself you failed at seeing how wrong it was to meet them....at making it a "fun" thing to do....meet mommys AP. That is why I have posed questions to ask yourself.

 

If you have a Pollyanna view of life....true love, can't help ourselves, the kids love me, etc...you should maybe take a step back and talk to an older family member that you respect. They should be able to bring you down to earth and explain where all the potential difficulties will lie.

 

Thanks for.your advice and.your true words.

I know what you are reffering.to and.I.did not see it as a bad thing st that moment, more like a step closer to be with her.

It will defintly bring difficulties with , but for everything.is a solution.and.outcome and.answer. I will take a step back as she leavrs.on.holidays next week. Untill then we defided to still be together as we are now.and.in.the.holidays its.up.to her.to.sort it.out without me being.in.the picture.

[Am14]

Very self centered and reckless with other peoples lives....You'll take the good or the bad but what about the betrayed husband and kids????

 

Therefore I am.stepping out of the picture so it is up.to her to arrange things. I.will be there for her no matter what her decision.and.what the outcome is. In.this situation there wil always be people.left hurt behind.

[Am14]

Horrible and even worse? That's pretty much your options. ... But don't take my word for it. Read others stories.

 

When you're actually ready to discuss your real options let me know.

 

My only option.now is to.give her space , step.out.of.the picture.and.let her do.it and cut the knots whatever it will be.

[NTV]

My only option.now is to.give her space , step.out.of.the picture.and.let her do.it and cut the knots whatever it will be.

 

Well I guess if you completely ignore the option of being honest with her husband...

[Am14]

Well I guess if you completely ignore the option of being honest with her husband...

 

You want me.to go overthere and talk to him ?

[NTV]

Call him, send him a Facebook message whatever. Telling him face to face is very risky. No I wouldn't do that.

[dubliner]

You've had a lot of harsh replies so far, seems to be the way of this board that guys get the blunt answers.

Have a read of the threads here, there's lots of good advice posted and you may find posts jump out at you as being very similar to your own situation.

 

I would certainly tread cautiously with this MW, you haven't said what has happened in her M for her and H to be unhappy but the length of time of their dissatisfaction and her starting an A is a big red flag. A year in a M is a very short space of time, what have they done to try and repair the relationship? Do you not find it alarming that she is so willing to jump ship so readily after years of happiness, is this the first blip or has the M been turbulent for longer?

I can't help but consider the possibility that she may be running from the problems in her M into the arms of the first person that shows her attention and affection, instead of trying to restore this in her already committed relationship with her H.

Is she a conflict avoidant?

Is she impulsive in other areas of her life?

[pteromom]

A few things -

 

Her affair shows that she is NOT a "strong character". Strong would be telling her husband she is unhappy, THEN leaving and finding a relationship. Then add on top of that letting you hang out with her kids? That shows poor judgment!

 

I get what you are FEELING. You are overwhelmed by loving feelings. The drama of hiding and sneaking and waiting for each other makes these feelings even stronger.

 

But a relationship isn't built on only feelings.

 

Let's say she does what she says she wants to do - that she leaves her husband and runs into your arms. (By the way, almost ALL MM/MWs say that and very few ever do.)

 

It isn't just a matter of "now we can be together all the time and I will happily be a step-dad to her baggage...errr...I mean kids."

 

She will go through a very messy divorce with an angry ex going for full custody against her. The kids will be in the middle, being pushed and pulled both ways. They will act out and be terrors as their world is turned upside down. They will have great resentment toward you once their dad spills the beans that you stole their mom from him.

 

Your wonderful lady will be stressed out and angry and sad and confused and the little secret space of happiness you created for yourselves will fade away as real life comes crashing in.

 

You'll be in the middle of sick kids and school lunches and homework and kids crawling into your bed in the middle of the night and poop accidents.

 

After the divorce, you'll be in the middle of ongoing custody and schooling and rules and vacation planning involving the ex and kids. She'll have to talk to him to discuss kid-things, and you'll be jealous - and wondering if she is doing to you what she did with you.

 

Every school play, Christmas, birthday, and other major event will include her husband. Forever. Every vacation will include kids crammed into the hotel room with you.

 

I don't think you realize what you are signing up for. You are hoping your current time together will just expand to fill your whole lives, but it will be much much different.

 

Then when she is feeling unhappy, instead of talking to you and resolving it, she'll be looking for her next 25 year old.

 

I think you'll probably keep moving forward no matter what anyone here says, but I strongly suggest you do what you were advised to do here, and read some of the other stories on here. You'll find the beginning of them mirror where you are, and the endings are rarely what you are hoping for.

[Darren Steez]

Your. use. of. periods. is. very.jarring.

 

Are.you.a.robot? .

[sandylee1]

Your. use. of. periods. is. very.jarring.

 

Are.you.a.robot? .

 

I don't think English is the OPs first language.

 

I can't understand why you'd want to deal with a married woman with 2 kids. You're young and should be dating single available women where you do not have to hide and sneak around.

 

Have you ever heard the phrase 'Do unto others as you would like done unto yourself'

 

Would you like this done to you? Why not live a life of honesty and integrity?

 

She is not the only woman in the world for you. She is another man's wife. Doesn't that mean anything to you.

 

Perhaps you are inexperienced with all this ... but if she leaves her marriage... her husband and children are affected.

 

No responsible parent introduces her children to her affair partner. It's very wrong and that is NOT being a good parent. Do you not question the morals and values of a woman capable of doing this?

 

I'm sure she feels happy that a younger man is wiling to be her secret lover... in spite of having 2 kids. It strokes her ego and boosts her confidence having a choice of 2 men to have sex with.

[MJJean]

I've been in a similar situation.

 

I was 24 years old, married with two kids, ages 6 and 1 at the time. I met my AP, who was also 24 years old, at the end of October. He met the kids in November when he was invited over with a group of people to socialize. In December, we had our first date and first kiss. In January, we became lovers. In February, I ended my marriage. As soon as the divorce was final my AP and I got married. We've been a couple for 16 years, married for 13 of those years.

 

Here's the thing. I left the marriage within 3 months. I didn't just talk about what I wanted to do or what I would someday do. I actually did something. I made a decision. I think it's time you tell your MW to do the same. It's time to actually make a move or move on.

[kamani]

You told she's going on holiday with her family. How do you feel when she's having sex with her husband?

[Lady Hamilton]

I'm trying to follow here but I'm having a hard time, but I think I've gotten the highlights.

 

The thing I'm not sure you're getting here is that we are talking kids, not "baggage." Baggage is commitment issues or past trauma to overcome... Kids is an entirely separate issue.

 

Right now it's you and her. When she leaves, it'll be you, her, two kids, and her ex.

 

The moment she leaves, there will never, ever, EVER be you and her again. Every plan, every vacation, every event, every nuance of your life will have to pass through the filter of the kids schedule and her ex. EVERYTHING.

 

My husband and I started as an affair and he had kids with his now ex. My life is now intimately intertwined with the kids, her, and now her fiancé. I made a ridiculously important doctors appointment in late June. I had to check with the kids schedule, her schedule, then her fiance's schedule before ultimately rescheduling because we theoretically had the kids in the afternoon that day and, even though my appointment was in the morning, neither of them could verify what time they were dropping the kids off.

 

Yes, my husband's ex-wife's fiance gets a say in whether or not I can make plans that involve only me.

 

That will be your future too.

 

We've had vacations cancelled because of custody issues with the kids. For a period of time I didn't remember what date nights were. Even our finances are not ours... First dibs on any raise my husband gets, any bonus he lands, any inheritance he gets goes to the kids and, by default, his ex.

 

When he worked a second job to make up for my loss of income after a major illness, we were immediately taken to court to have child support increased. Court didn't care why he worked more as child support is the most important expense in the eye of the court.

 

What was left wasn't enough to cover our expenses, and while his ex went on a vacation courtesy of the extra money she was now getting in support, I worked and got fired from numerous jobs because my health made me an unreliable employee and I couldn't depend on my husband on extra support because the kids got first dibs.

 

It's all well and good to say "we'll figure it out, love conquers all" because that's certainly what we said, but the reality is that's not how this works.

 

If you still want to make a go of it, at least do it with eyes wide open on what all it exactly means. We made it through on the "we'll figure it out, love conquers all" because we worked harder on our marriage than we ever worked on anything in the world. But there were fights, tears, and doubts we would make it. Most couples don't make it and we know that.

 

You've got to be stronger than strong to make it through. Not arbitrary "yeah, we are strong" but strong in a way that I promise you have zero concept of.

 

PS - if her husband looks to get full custody, she will leave you. A woman who's saying she's where she is to not hurt the kids won't settle for a limited custody arrangement with them.