No common interests

[techi14]

Hello,

 

I may need some help from all of you.

I am originally from South America. I grew up there and moved to Texas, United States 4 years ago when I was 23.

I came to the US to work on a master degree, found a job after graduating and ended up staying.

5 months ago I met a guy through a dating site. We were just hanging out for a couple of months and starting dating officially three months ago.

He is a civil engineer, so he has a career which is something that I always want my partners to have.

He likes outdoors and extreme sports such as skydiving, wakeboarding …etc etc. He also likes fishing, camping and hunting… anything outdoor is fun for him, except hiking 

As I mentioned I grew up in South America, in a big city, no many outdoor activities when growing up. I like hiking , I learned this when I moved to Texas. I also like cooking, dancing, research about fashion trends and psychological stuff. I love wine, checking out new places that are trendy including nice restaurants.

I am an introvert (very outgoing tho), I don’t mind staying at home just relaxing or enjoying a good show. My boyfriend gets super bored if he is not outdoors… it is like he is addicted to adventures and adrenaline.

We have done some camping and gone on his boat since we started dating. He will wakeboard and I will just watch and drink beer (which is not the most fun thing to do for me …but I am ok). He keeps asking me to try, but things like that freak me out.

Some nights ago he mentioned that sometimes he gets bored, he said we don’t seem to have many common interests and come from different backgrounds (he is super conservative and I am a liberal … not too crazy about it, but def liberal).

I noticed what he mentioned and agree, he says he loves me and I love him too, but sometimes I feel it is very difficult to find what to talk about.

When he tells me about his sports I listen and try to enjoy the conversation and learn new things since the sports that he likes are totally new for me. On the other hand, when I try to tell him about my life and get in deep conversations (which I love to do) he seems bored and sometimes even changes the topic.

It is difficult for us to find something in common, a topic that we both would feel passion about and enjoy together. I am concerned about this because the honey moon stage may end soon and sex and kisses get a little old after that.

Any ideas? Have you ever experience something like that? Tips to find something in common? Should I end it?

Please let me know what you think, I am opened to listed.

 

Thank you

[d0nnivain]

Are there any sports you are willing to try? Even something like mini golf.

 

Since you like wine bring some on the boat so you don't have to drink beer.

 

If wake boarding freaks you out, would you consider tubing . . . you sit there & get pulled around? Ask him to go slow.

 

My EX was an avid fisherman. I hate everything about fish but would dutifully pack a book & a cooler & tag along. He fished. I read. It was fine. Try mixing something you like with something he likes. Perhaps you could learn to pair wines with the game he hunts.

[smackie9]

Why do you even try? There is nothing like meeting someone who has most of the same interests as you, and maybe a few that are intriguing.

 

High adrenaline people will leave you in the dust because that is the way they are...they can't sit still and enjoy a bottle or wine and watch the sunset...too boring for them.

 

You gave it a try and here you are telling us how you are struggling with it. IMO this relationship will be short lived because the both of you will just get frustrated with each other...there is already a lack of intellectual/emotional connection.

 

I wouldn't waste my time.

[BlueIris]

You can do “his” things with him and that’s fun, good. I’ve done so many things with BFs that I’d never done before and found some of them very fun so I added them to my life. I’m glad they exposed me to the new things.

 

But when you’re with someone who won’t do the same for you and who won’t or can’t show interest in your things too, you’re just with a selfish person. That said, there are A LOT of people who won’t do what someone else likes or who are so unpleasant or dead weight when they participate that you just don’t invite them to join in any more. The only option becomes what he likes or nothing.

 

So another thing you can try is to find something together that neither of you have done before and be newbies at doing it together. See if he is willing to give attention and show enthusiasm for that.

[kismetkismet]

It sounds like you've done a good deal of trying out his activities, has he done the same with you?

 

To be honest I think that similar interests, and more importantly lifestyles, are really important in terms of the longevity of a relationship. Even a year, maybe two can be fun with someone that you don't have much in common with can be fun enough, but at some point the relationship starts to feel like a job. When one of you is always doing something you don't like to do when you hang out, it will just become tiring after a while.

 

Being able to share the things you love with the person you love is one of the most fun and exciting things about a relationship in my opinion/experience. You don't have to like alllllll of the same things, but some overlap is usually necessary.

[SwordofFlame]

I've been wondering about this very same topic myself lately after I've been on a few dates with women that I didn't have much in common with. I think I'm a very open-minded person who likes to try new things and think it could work. But what I've discovered is if your partner is not as open-minded, than it's a real struggle.

[Cinnamonstix]

You sound like very different people. While you don't need to like all the same things as your bf, you need to be able to understand and "get" each other, mentally, emotionally and physically, and share similar values and goals in life. Apart from the physical side, it sounds like the rest might be missing here. Struggling to find things to talk about is not a good sign.

[Mrin]

Oh goodie! I have been dying to address this question with someone in need. Here's my two cents - based off of copious amounts of experience in this department.

 

Do common interests matter: For a fling or a short termer? No, not at all. But for a long term relationship - absolutely. They do matter. Here's the philosophical answer: when you are dating you are trying to fit each other into your lives. So you look for the gaps and the spaces in your life and fit the other person into them. But in a relationship you're experiencing life together. Jointly. You will always have your stuff and his stuff. But there should be a decent amount of overlap that you can experience together. If you don't, then you start to either build resentment that the other person is taking away from the things you love or that the things they love are taking the other person away from you. That's the cold hard truth.

 

I once married a woman that liked all of the the things I liked. Our relationship wasn't terribly romantic but the confluence of our interests was magical. We were like two kids in the playground of life. Camping, hiking, biking, skiing, flyfishing, treking, rock climbing, gardening, watching sports on TV etc... But as we grew older she changed. All of those things I listed waned for her and were replaced with things in which I had little interest or were not invited to participate. Pretty soon, we were roommates and co-parents. When we realized what had occurred it was too late and that was the end of that.

 

So, common interests do not a relationship make, but lack of common interests do a relationship break.

 

2 final thoughts:

 

1. See if you can find something new that you both enjoy. Explore it together. Shared experience is the currency of life.

 

2. As others have said, perhaps try to redefine some of your activities or his activities as less about the activity and more spending time together. That's not something that can be unilateral but rather is a joint effort. Take joy out of being with the other person when they do something they like to do. Not for what they like to do but rather the happiness it brings them.

Edited May 16, 2016 by Mrin

[kismetkismet]

Another thing i want to expand on a bit is the lifestyle difference as opposed to the interests difference.

 

Interests I feel are easier to overcome.. Like if you have two busy, outdoorsy people, but one person is really into rock climbing and the other is into soccer then you're going to have a much easier time finding overlap in your interests. You'll be able to enjoy one another's activities more.

 

But if one person is an indoorsy, intellectual, introverted city person and the other is an outdoorsy busy extrovert, then i think that is more of a LIFESTYLE difference than simply an interests one. It's about HOW you live your life and spend your time, what sorts of things are important and of value to each of you...

 

(this next part is babbly, but if you want a specific example of what i'm talking about...)

My ex and I did have a lot of interests in common - we are both intellectual book nerdy types that like the same literature and craft beer and talking about philosophy and politics etc. We liked all the same books and similar restaurants and things like that. We also shared a love of rock climbing.

 

However, the issue was in the lifestyles that we liked.. I need to be busy and active and outdoors, and/or out socializing a lot or I get BORED. Like it's almost physically painful to me. I also like to plan things and have a busy schedule and spend time with family and friends. He on the other hand was mostly a home body and likes to spend most of his time at home and play things by ear and/or do the same things all the time.. so even though we had interests in common, our lifestyles were different.

 

With my current boyfriend, we didn't have as many specific interests in common. We both do like to read a lot - but we like totally different books and have different intellectual interests. We are both really active and busy and like to have lots of plans- but are into different sports (me climbing, he soccer). But because we have a similar way of living our lives we are suuper compatible - even though the specific interests are different. It's much easier for me to plan play soccer with his buddies and lie in the sun reading different books than it was for me to sit at home inside every weekend with no real plans.

 

It's sometimes more about how you live than what you do specifically I think?