Gemini_jo Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 (edited) I don’t know if I can find the right words to express the thoughts that flood into my mind when I think of you. It’s been 30 months as I single guy, quickly approaching the 35 months that we were together. I think that feeling will be strange..knowing that I’ve been on my own longer than we were a couple. It’s so strange to think how in love we used to be. We changed each other, grew up in our young adult years, figuring out many of life’s obstacles together. Before you, I was just a nerdy mathy boy living in a small town and had never kissed a girl before. With you, I always had a person to turn to who was my heart and soul. You were there for me; listening to me, a shoulder for me, and a hand to hold for me. We went through a lot of good and bad times together. I still think about those times, I still have dreams about them, about us, about you. I wonder what the purpose is, it’s like there’s some unfinished business between us. I’ll look at the moon some nights and as cliché as it sounds, I wonder if you’re looking at the same moon and we are somehow connected again. It’s like my heart is encouraging myself to reach out to you again, but my mind tells me how rough and dumb that would actually be. I’ve met a lot of people during my life, but only one you. As obvious as that is, there’s something special that you have with your first love and I let you touch my life in such a way that it’s so extremely hard to let you go. I thought we were going to take over the world together, and that nothing would ever stop us. I prided myself on the fact that I would only be with one girl my whole life. That I would only make love with 1 individual for eternity. The image of you is so special to me and it’s never going to be replaced. I’ve been looking for that different person, but have yet to discover someone that meets the compassionate criteria I found with you. I know she’s there and that we will find each other someday. It’s hard with my mind being occupied by you at certain moments and days; this holds me back from finding that new love that I feel so desperate to find. I’ve played the hookup, dating app, going out games and every time I end up back in my bed, alone with nobody and it’s such a gut wrenching feeling knowing that at one point you were that person feeling that void for me. It’s not that I miss you or crave you, I miss the feelings that I had when I was in love with you. The honesty, trust, connection, accepting, respect, weird comfortableness, the phone calls. That’s the reason why I fell apart after you left me. You did the right thing that December night, I’m sure you are aware of that. I compromised the very foundation of love through my dishonesty about using marijuana. That was extremely disrespectful to lie to you. One of the biggest things I’ve learned after our separation is that trust is the most important quality to have in personal relationships with friends, family, colleagues, and lovers. The aftermath of our separation was brutal, and I know we both did a lot of things that we regretted during that time. For me, particularly the words I used towards you. I can say with 100% validity that those few after months of our complete separation were the darkest moments of my entire life. I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy to experience the things the thoughts and feelings that I experienced during those times. My life literally fell apart without you, and I didn’t know how to handle it alone. It took me a long time to get my feet back under me and become comfortable with myself again. And it’s not until this year, 2016, that I’ve made leaps and gains in discovering who I really am. Being high all the time, albeit to try and forget you, cost me motivation that was so crucial in becoming the nerdy math boy and having the success I discovered in high school. I had to get back to my roots, become healthy and active, and start making real strides at work. It’s a process, and yeah I fall on my face sometimes, but I’ve learned that it’s not the mistakes that define you but the response to those mistakes that really determine who you are. All in all, I think I’ve discovered that no matter how much you love someone, it’s hard to not hurt that person. You just hope to forgive that person and then someday have happy memories to look back on. You were my first, and it’s hard to put down on paper that I know you won’t be my last. There’s only one first and I’m still thankful and happy that it was you. Now it’s time for me to find the person that will be my last. With care, I hope you are well, SNS -JRO- Edited May 16, 2016 by Gemini_jo
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