Hi, new to forum, looking for some immediate advice please...

[Vxxn]

Hi, I just foud this site and I believe it may be able to help me... I am a 20 year old female who has been seriously dating this guy for about two and a half years, he is also 20 and he has a 3 year-old son... I would love to meet his son but his ex-girlfriend lives hundreds of miles away and I only hope that someday when his son gets older he will come to visit for the summer or even longer maybe but there is a problem... I've been with my boyfriend like I said before for two and a half years and he STILL hasn't told his ex about me... I know that it's got to be uncomfortable for him but he always leaves the room when he talks to her and then he's gone for two hours everytime.... I always get really uncomfortable too when he talks to her but only because I know he still loves her, she got pregnant when she was fifteen because she wuit her birth control and never told him until she was three months pregnant and then she broke up with him because she knew that he didn't want a child at that age and now after all this time he won't tell me anything about her and although he constantly tells me that he loves me and that he really truly loves me and I know he is telling me the truth but I also know that he loves her too in a very different way because she bore his first son... So I'm stuck in this position where I will always be the "second" woman and I don't want to be the jealous type but what should I think? How can I ever find a way to get over this? I Love this man deeply and we've talked about marriage and children after we get our careers together and have enough time and money but how can I stop feeling this resentment for a woman that I have never even met, a woman who doesn't even know I exist? Me and my boyfriend are going to be moving in together very soon and I'm afraid of what to expect as far as this goes because I think it's kind of a cop-out to continue lying to her every time she asks about his love life... It's beginning to make me feel as if he doesn't care as much as he says he does if he's too ashamed of me to admit it to his EX girlfriend... AHHH! What should I do??? Please help!! Does ANYONE have any advice for me???? Am I just being unreasonable?

Confused and in need of help,

Stef

[SoDarnConfusing]

I have lots of advice. I went through this myself ( however, I was the EX, if that makes sense.. ok technically, I was the wife- and I bore 3 kids to my then husband)

 

First of all: Women are evil. You know this. I know this. I AM a woman. *Some* women are evil, I should say. Ask yourself a few questions:

1.) If EX KNEW he had YOU in his life, would she threaten to jeaopardize the relationship of your boyfriend and his son? ( Some women DO do that) In fact, I was so darn livid mad when I found out my HUSBAND had a girlfriend, that I did do just that- for maybe a week. Then I grew up.

 

2.) Is your boyfriend afraid that EX WOULD dangle his son in front of his face as a tool to get him to do what she wants? This stuff, DOES happen.

 

3.) Is there anyway he is just trying to save face, and make peace and play nice with her, for the benefit OF their son?

 

4.) Does he hate her so bad that he feels his love life with you is none of her business?

OF COURSE, those are just OPTIONS. The best way to find out what is running through his head is to ask him what is running through his head, to insist that he tell you! He could fear anything from nothing, to maybe her raising child support on him if she actually knew he had a life ( yes, some women WILL ALSO do that) .

 

Onto the resentment for the EX part. Why do you resent her? What did she do wrong to you? As stated *I* am one of those ex's. While you will not be second to his ex, you will be second to his child, at all times. I'm not sure my husband's new wife "got that" and unfortunately, they are in a bit of turmoil at the moment. She also had a race to see if she could have three kids with him, just like I did. It took me 10 years to do that- 2 years for her to get two out of them, and now they are miserable.

 

If you want my absolute best advice? Talk to him, ask him what is going on, settle for nothing less than what is going on ( dont be accusatory, of course), ask him why he gets up and leaves the room when he talks to her, why this woman does not know of you - afterall, you do want to be around her kid, etc. I really wouldn't move in with this man until he could get his ducks in a row with me, no matter how much he loves me or I love him.

[Vxxn]

Thanks for the advice I really appreciate it... I have tried to talk about it with him and he always just changes the subject and says we'll talk about it later... I don't necessarily "resent" his ex, I just feel strange knowing that the only man I love, loves another woman too... He does have some issues with her because he feels she betrayed his trust by not telling she went off her birth control and got pregnant and I'm NOT angry that he keeps in contact with her (I don't think I could be with a man who wants nothing to do with his own son) but his entire demeanor changes when he talks to her, as soon as he answers the phone I know it's her... He has only seen his son a few times since he was born but my boyfriend really wants to be a part of his son's life even if he can't be there to raise him and I think that it would greatly jeopardize his chances of having his son come to visit us if he holds off on telling her... I know that if I had a son and was going to let his visit his father for the summer but then I find out that my ex is living with this woman I don't know anything about I surely would NOT let my child visit! I don't know anything about his ex so I can't say for sure if she would use his son against him but being a woman myself, I can understand... I still don't know how to initiate a conversation on this but I have realized for a long time that it needs to get out in the open but it's impossible to get someone to talk about something like this, especially when they don't WANT to... This has been bothering me for quite a while now, at first , in the beginning of our relationship I understood him not needing to tell her about me but after two years she still asks him if he has found anyone and he always say "no" Like I said he does USUALLY leave the room when he talks to her but on the times that he doesn't I am expected to keep quiet so she doesn't hear my voice and asks any questions... This has been on my mind a lot and I keep having dreams about him leaving me to go back with her and I wake up with this feeling of betrayal even though it was only a dream... It just bothers me because I don't wnat him to act like he's ashamed to tell her about me, I already met his entire family including all of his family from Washington whom he rarely ever sees and he's told them all about me so why is he hiding it from his ex? If he's as serious about this relationship as he says he is then why wouldn't he even mention me? When I'm there and he talks to her on the phone he always says he's just "hanging out with some friends" so that makes me wonder why he will only refer to me as a "friend" when he talks to her.... He has talked openly about marriage and having children with me and we've mutually decided on waiting til our late twenties to get married and our early thirties to start having children and when we talked about it he said that he considers it to be huge difference in having children with the woman you love sincerely and "knocking-up" your girlfriend so what's the deal? If he loves and respects me as much as he says he does then he would tell her, he actually stayed in the room the other night when he was talking to her and as much as I don't want to admit it I kinda half-assed listen to some of whet he said and apparently she keeps talking about wanting to find a boyfriend so I know that she is looking for one so why is he so worried about her finding out about me? oh, well, I'll come back later to tell you how it went so wish me luck, and if there is anyone else who thinks they could also give me some advice I'm open to suggestion.

THANKS!!!

Stef

[SoDarnConfusing]

THat lousy lil swine! So you HAVE mentioned this to him and have tried to talk to him, but its shoved off and never addressed? (DUH ME- you've been with him 2 1/2 years, I should have caught that LOL)

 

What *I* would do? The next time he's on the phone, I'd pick it up, introduce myself to the ex, mention you have been with him for two and a half years, hang up, pack my bags and leave. But, thats just me, and I'm evil and vindictive.

 

Buttt... maybe what ya *can* do is telling him that this is interfering with your relationship, and making you question yourself as to whehter or not you want to be in it. Have you told him how inferior and unimportant this makes you feel? I gotta give it to ya , you're a hell of a patient woman for putting up with his bull. Now that i read more of the situation, I'm mad FOR ya!

 

I don't know what is going through his head, but obviously, he has some sort of a hangup with this girl. They can't *just* be talking about their son for two hours, besides, we just know thats not the facts here. Maybe, ask him , besides his son, what IS his hangup with this girl?

 

I'm not sure how he can have a valid, committed, honest relationship OR future with you, when he won't give or let you share in his past, or give you a seat in his prescense. Think about that.

 

YOU deserve to be treated much, much better than this. Maybe its time to SHOW him that, not tell him, SHOW him. By him continuing to do what he is doing, is basically teaching you that you must slink away

 

and become invisible upon his whim. Are you invisible?

 

I had someone shush me once while they were talking to an ex.... I also had someone who had a HABIT of SNAPPING at me when he was on the phone and wanted me to be quiet. He can now neither snap nor make a shush sound with his mouth. Ok, kidding. But he doesnt have me

 

 

OK, and now for the disgruntled, non man hating advise ...

 

Give him one more try to discuss this with you. ( make sure thats what you want, although Im sure being a doormat is something you DONT want)

If he doesnt discuss it, leave him.

 

I KNOW that sucks and I KNOW that is harsh, but you dont play second fiddle to no one. K?

[Vxxn]

Thank you, I agree with everything you said but I'm sure you understand how hard it is to lose someone you love so dearly... I will definitely try to talk with him about it again and hopefully that will work but I don't know what will come from it... I definitely need to know what his hang-up is with this girl but every time I talk to him about it he gets upset, frustrated or he just flat out thinks it's a personal attack and I don't even know why! I just don't want to end up the naive girlfriend who gets hurt... I'm not sure how to handle a lot of what's going on right now, both of us have become very comfortable in our relationship and overall I'm very happy with it, all of our friends always comment on how they wish they could have a relationship like Keith and I have, and granted we have our fights like every couple but we always talk it out and get it fixed immediately except for THIS... You have really helped me out with this situation but, even with great advice it's still a difficult (and not to mention touchy!) subject for the both of us... I truly hope things work out because this is the man I really, truly would love to spend my life with but not if I have to hide from his ex all the time... It's a lot harder to take advice than it is to give it and I really don't know if I could break it off with him but I know from an unbiased point of view that is the most rational thing to do. I'm torn between these two because I know he loves me and I him but this can't go on for much longer before I have to leave, for self-preservation if anything! So thank you for the advice I'll keep in touch on how things go and I hope to talk again with you...

I thank you immensely!

Stef

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

If you've been dating for 2 1/2 years, there is no excuse for why he hasn't told his ex about you yet, ESPECIALLY since she asks him if he's found a new love interest yet!! For him to tell her no and that's he's still single..., well that's totally unacceptable. You have every right to be upset with him, but I don't think you should be upset with her. It doesn't sound like she is doing anything wrong. Perhaps she wouldn't talk to him for hours if she knew he was in a relationship with someone else. And the part about him leaving the room to talk to her and making you be quiet so she doesn't hear a woman's voice in the background- I would be LIVID if I were in that situation. I would have broken it off eons ago, so kudos to you for sticking this one out!

 

In my own current mess-of-a-romance, I broke up with my boyfriend of four years about three weeks ago because things were really stale with him, and I had fallen for a guy I met at grad school. Now the new guy and I are dating, and I know I didn't waste much time in between (which does bother me a little bit). The ex and I still talk quite frequently and hang out still every few days and I have not told him that I'm already dating someone else. The difference between my situation and your situation is that he's had TWO AND A HALF YEARS! I won't tell my ex because the wound's too fresh and there's no need adding to salt to it. Your boyfriend's ex has had plenty of time to heal and surely enough time has passed when telling her would be very appropriate.

 

My advice- I agree giving him one more chance. If he still won't tell her, leave him (better said than done!) and hopefully after the fact he'll do the right thing and fess up to her and perhaps try to patch things up with you. If not, he's not worth the pain and heartache. Find a guy who is proud to have you on his arm- YOU DESERVE IT!

[Vxxn]

Ok, So I was ready to tell him how much it bothered me and I chickened out.... I've been thinking ALOT about this lately and the thing is, besides this whole ex-girlfriend aspect I have NO other issues with him at all. He is perfect for me, we have alot in common (including a lot of our no-so-great lifestyles we have both recovered from) but it's all of our differences that I find completely charming, He supports my dreams and desires, he is very, very straight forward when it comes to working out our problems (which are generally pretty rare, usually once a month when it's time for the inner evil to come out) not only is he ridiculously intelligent (a huge turn on!), and not to mention incredible, and I mean INCREDIBLE, in bed!! He even likes to cuddle, but he is also extremely ambitious and very loving, he tries to take care of me. When I see that *look* in his eyes i feel safe and completely trusting because I KNOW he loves me. He is taking a job that he hates (painting) in Wyoming for about a month with his parents, just for me, he is going to make enough money so that we will be able to start off well in our new apartment, and the fact that we a both secure enough in our relationship to make sacrifices like that for each other is an incredible bond but I still would like to know why he talks to EVERYONE about me and has even introduced me to all of his immediate family (who live all over the country) and some of his extended family but he's afraid of hurting his ex. I can finally understand why, he still has a duty to her being the father of their child and yes he needs to keep good ties with her because of their son but he of course still loves her even if he isn't *in* love with her. I think I can finally respect that he HAS contact with her and that he maintained a friendship with her even though she broke his heart... I think THAT is the reason I have ever felt any derrogatory feelings towards her, because she hurt him. I love him so very much but I also realize that before we met he was a COMPLETELY different person and now that he has grown up and matured I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt his ex by telling her that we have been together for so long because we had gotten together about three months after his son was born eventhough she and him hadn't been together for about 8 months... So, when I think about all of this in general I can sort of understand his strange way of thinking but he used to be on alot of drugs when he was with her (she was too) and now he's sober he feels like he owes it to her to be a better person to her and their son... So after hearing all of this what do you think about it? I really do just need an unbiased thrid-person view...

Thanks again, you guys really are great