I can't be brave anymore

[ForeverAlone2016]

My relationship has come to an end.

 

I was with my x for 2.5 years. I thought he was perfect for me and everything was great. Then the topic of marriage came up and his family wanted us married by the end of next year. No negotiations whatsoever. I needed a bit more time, because weddings are very expensive. We fought and then I tried calling him the next day. In front of his whole family he accused me of harassing him, his family and him insulted me and my family. That was the end of us. We have spoken about it a bit after that, but its been very hostile, because he can't see how much he disrespected me in front of everyone. I felt like I was publicly shamed.

 

I still miss him (which is crazy). I put on a brave face. I tell everyone I am over it and I don't care, but the truth is I cry every morning and night. I am tired of pretending, I am okay when I am not. He calls me but I ignore it, because I know he is not good for me. Everyone is telling me that I dodged a bullet. Why does it hurt so much? Please tell me it gets better.

Edited May 16, 2016 by ForeverAlone2016

[ChocolateRain]

i can understand your hurt and pain ... but if that had happened to me ( to be accused of harassment ) sorry i'd suck up the pain and move on . You are allowed to grieve and go through all the emotions ... of course it gets better ... it has been said too many times wounds hurt when they are fresh but they heal and turn into scars ( even though they itch from time to time lol ) and become reminders . Time is the Balm to heal those wounds ...

[smudge21]

You're still in love with the person you first met, the person he was in the beginning, the person you wished he'd always be. Sadly when we go through a break up it's because that person who has left is has done so because they are not who we thought they were (hoped they were). We slap these people up on pedestals and donate all our happiness to them, thinking that everything will be perfect with them in our lives. When it all comes crumbling down, often that pedestal is still standing with them on it - well, not them, but the person we thought they were. Only through time and healing will you start to focus more on the real person he is, not on the fantasy of who you want him to be. It will be tough, but hang in there and maintain NC. Once you are healed (and it will happen, it does for us all) you will understand why you did dodge a bullet and be a better person for it. Stay strong.

[Taramere]

That was very controlling of his family!

 

The information you've given is a bit sparse, so I'm going to be fairly liberal in making assumptions and guesses. You can tell me whether I'm right or wrong. The fact that his family chose to lay down the law like that (about when you would get married) suggest that they were used to behaving in a pretty domineering fashion with regard to your ex, to you and to the relationship you shared. For an entire family to behave like that suggests a familial culture of lack of respect for other people, their needs, desires and values. People, and indeed families, like that often project their domineering and controlling attitudes onto other far less controlling groups and individuals. In other words, they see in everybody else what they themselves are most guilty of.

 

Any relationship break up is difficult to get over, but if you've been in a situation where you've been dominated and controlled to a fair extent (and again I'm totally guessing) then it might be harder on the basis that it's very easy for people to lose their sense of self in a situation like that. There are no quick fixes, but I think a mindset that will help you back on the right track is to rediscover your own identity - and to have fun/be busy doing it. I tend to find that when somebody has said or done something to hurt me, if I sit around dwelling on it then I'm in trouble. However, the moment life circumstances place other demands on me (work, friends, family etc) I'll feel a brief sense of "I can't deal with this" stress - and then the practical "but I have to deal with it" side takes over. And before I know it, whatever upset me is pushed out of my mind so that I can deal with the matter at hand.

 

Putting on a brave face, telling people you don't care etc requires a lot of energy - and it's energy wasted. What does it matter whether or not other people think you're over it? What they think about the situation is not going to have a bearing on how you feel inside....unless they try to pull you into discussing it. "It's still painful, but you just have to get on with things don't you?" might be a more realistic mindset. You're not in denial about your feelings, but you're also giving out a message that you have a life to crack on with.

 

Being strong doesn't involve not having feelings or wasting vast amounts of energy in trying to convince others that you don't have those feelings. It involves having feelings, but refusing to let them paralyse you into inaction and into dwelling over much on unhappy situations that can't be altered.

[ForeverAlone2016]

You're still in love with the person you first met, the person he was in the beginning, the person you wished he'd always be. Sadly when we go through a break up it's because that person who has left is has done so because they are not who we thought they were (hoped they were). We slap these people up on pedestals and donate all our happiness to them, thinking that everything will be perfect with them in our lives. When it all comes crumbling down, often that pedestal is still standing with them on it - well, not them, but the person we thought they were. Only through time and healing will you start to focus more on the real person he is, not on the fantasy of who you want him to be. It will be tough, but hang in there and maintain NC. Once you are healed (and it will happen, it does for us all) you will understand why you did dodge a bullet and be a better person for it. Stay strong.

 

I honestly cannot tell you how right you are in saying that. I thought he was the man of my dreams. Whisking me away in his arms when I arrived at the airport, only to be surprised with teddies and chocolates. How can everything be so fake? How could he do that to me? Just the night before, he told me that he would always be with me. After we stopped fighting, he stayed on the phone for hours till I fell asleep. How could the very next day I be humiliated in front of everyone. How could he do that while I was so distressed? The only explanation I can see is that he was trying to act dominant in front of his family, but thats not fair. He accuses me of leaving him, but it is he who broke up with me in front of everyone. It hurts so much. I hold everything in the whole day coz I am at work, but when I come home it all just comes to the surface.

[basil67]

The way you feel now is totally to be expected. The friends who are telling you that you dodged a bullet....they are good eggs and to be treasured. And this board is here for you too.

 

You don't have to be alone right now.

[ForeverAlone2016]

That was very controlling of his family!

 

The information you've given is a bit sparse, so I'm going to be fairly liberal in making assumptions and guesses. You can tell me whether I'm right or wrong. The fact that his family chose to lay down the law like that (about when you would get married) suggest that they were used to behaving in a pretty domineering fashion with regard to your ex, to you and to the relationship you shared. For an entire family to behave like that suggests a familial culture of lack of respect for other people, their needs, desires and values. People, and indeed families, like that often project their domineering and controlling attitudes onto other far less controlling groups and individuals. In other words, they see in everybody else what they themselves are most guilty of.

 

Any relationship break up is difficult to get over, but if you've been in a situation where you've been dominated and controlled to a fair extent (and again I'm totally guessing) then it might be harder on the basis that it's very easy for people to lose their sense of self in a situation like that. There are no quick fixes, but I think a mindset that will help you back on the right track is to rediscover your own identity - and to have fun/be busy doing it. I tend to find that when somebody has said or done something to hurt me, if I sit around dwelling on it then I'm in trouble. However, the moment life circumstances place other demands on me (work, friends, family etc) I'll feel a brief sense of "I can't deal with this" stress - and then the practical "but I have to deal with it" side takes over. And before I know it, whatever upset me is pushed out of my mind so that I can deal with the matter at hand.

 

Putting on a brave face, telling people you don't care etc requires a lot of energy - and it's energy wasted. What does it matter whether or not other people think you're over it? What they think about the situation is not going to have a bearing on how you feel inside....unless they try to pull you into discussing it. "It's still painful, but you just have to get on with things don't you?" might be a more realistic mindset. You're not in denial about your feelings, but you're also giving out a message that you have a life to crack on with.

 

Being strong doesn't involve not having feelings or wasting vast amounts of energy in trying to convince others that you don't have those feelings. It involves having feelings, but refusing to let them paralyse you into inaction and into dwelling over much on unhappy situations that can't be altered.

 

This problem occurred in an Indian family and as you may know families influence the wedding decision more than the couple themselves. Keeping with the tradition, my needs/wants were disregarded. They thought I didn't want to get married to him, but the way I see it, the love between two people should matter more than the date itself.

 

Ultimately, it came down to the lack of respect. I felt like I had been publicly shamed. I am a very independent person and this came as a shock.

 

I pick myself up everyday, because I don't like showing vulnerabilities. I hate talking about my problems with people I know personally. I am trying the whole 'dating yourself' concept. I am trying to love myself, but its never easy when you are alone and everything reminds you of him.

 

I am still so in love. I imagined my whole life with this man. I just want the pain to end. Some moments I am fine, but then I remember all the good times and its so hard to put that away. It feels like I will never get love like that again (the love from the good times). Does it even exist? I thought I experienced love right out of a fairytale, but look where that got me.

[Taramere]

This problem occurred in an Indian family and as you may know families influence the wedding decision more than the couple themselves. Keeping with the tradition, my needs/wants were disregarded. They thought I didn't want to get married to him, but the way I see it, the love between two people should matter more than the date itself.

 

Ah. I don't have an in depth knowledge, but I've generally had the impression that traditional culture results in the wedding being taken over by the families rather than being organised by the couple themselves.

 

Are you also Indian?

 

I am still so in love. I imagined my whole life with this man. I just want the pain to end. Some moments I am fine, but then I remember all the good times and its so hard to put that away. It feels like I will never get love like that again (the love from the good times). Does it even exist? I thought I experienced love right out of a fairytale, but look where that got me.

 

I think there's a lost innocence involved in break ups, and that perhaps you can never idealise another person to quite the extent that you idealised the first person you loved before the innocent fairytale happiness was demolished. At first you might feel that you can never experience anything really good again.

 

I don't think that means you really won't get those good feelings again. I think it just means that you're better able to cope if you have them about another person, and they suddenly take a sledgehammer to them. The magic you felt, came from somewhere inside of you. Your ex inspired it to come out, but the fact that he's gone from your life now doesn't mean the magic's gone. You'll find other people, situations, places and things that will inspire it to come out - and that's maybe what we mean when we talk about finding ourselves.

 

I'm not familiar with the concept of dating yourself, but I should imagine it's something along those lines.

[ForeverAlone2016]

Yes I am Indian. I thought he was not conservative in the sense of dominating, but I was wrong.

 

I think I am trying to hold onto the memories too tightly. I swell up with anger when I think about all the things he said and how he treated me. On the other hand, I cry every time I think about how good we had it. I wish I could block those memories out. Erase them. I don't know if I will be able to trust someone in the same way again. I opened up to him and he turned out to be two faced. How can you know if someone is being genuine? I was with him for 2.5 years and I still didn't know.

 

I am trying. Believe me. Every fibre in my being is trying to fight.

[Zahara]

Yes I am Indian. I thought he was not conservative in the sense of dominating, but I was wrong.

 

I think I am trying to hold onto the memories too tightly. I swell up with anger when I think about all the things he said and how he treated me. On the other hand, I cry every time I think about how good we had it. I wish I could block those memories out. Erase them. I don't know if I will be able to trust someone in the same way again. I opened up to him and he turned out to be two faced. How can you know if someone is being genuine? I was with him for 2.5 years and I still didn't know.

 

I am trying. Believe me. Every fibre in my being is trying to fight.

 

Coming from that culture, I understand the tight bond of family, but more so the strict control they have over you and the choices you make. Maybe he was genuine in his feelings for you but when family steps in, I know how things can suddenly do a 180.

 

I'm proud that I stood up for myself and chose my own path. I rebelled hard through my years with my family.

 

I believe that you did the right thing. If their desires and wants are prioritized above yours, imagine what things would be like when you're married and under the tight reign of his family. You would lose yourself.

 

It's going to hurt and you're going to grieve for the loss of what you had and what you dreamt it would be. But you'll come away stronger and resilient from this. I'm sorry this happened to you but you'll get through this.

[ForeverAlone2016]

Coming from that culture, I understand the tight bond of family, but more so the strict control they have over you and the choices you make. Maybe he was genuine in his feelings for you but when family steps in, I know how things can suddenly do a 180.

 

I'm proud that I stood up for myself and chose my own path. I rebelled hard through my years with my family.

 

I believe that you did the right thing. If their desires and wants are prioritized above yours, imagine what things would be like when you're married and under the tight reign of his family. You would lose yourself.

 

It's going to hurt and you're going to grieve for the loss of what you had and what you dreamt it would be. But you'll come away stronger and resilient from this. I'm sorry this happened to you but you'll get through this.

 

I think you are correct. I felt like I was dating two people. The nice guy I met when I was with him alone and the guy he turned into when his family was there.

 

I hope that I can be proud one day as well. I am lucky for the fact that my family supports me and my decision.

 

On some days I am fine. I go through life and work thinking I don't deserve this, I am better than him, but others are just horrible.

 

My friends and family said exactly what you said. I would have had to live with his family after getting married, so the guy I met on our first date would no longer be there. I would have to live with the guy he turned into when his family was around.

[Zahara]

I think you are correct. I felt like I was dating two people. The nice guy I met when I was with him alone and the guy he turned into when his family was there.

 

I hope that I can be proud one day as well. I am lucky for the fact that my family supports me and my decision.

 

On some days I am fine. I go through life and work thinking I don't deserve this, I am better than him, but others are just horrible.

 

My friends and family said exactly what you said. I would have had to live with his family after getting married, so the guy I met on our first date would no longer be there. I would have to live with the guy he turned into when his family was around.

 

One day, you will look back on this and know that you dodged a bullet. And you will realize how strong you were in making the decision to do what's right regardless of the pain you knew you were going to endure. That will be empowering.

 

It's normal for you to fluctuate. Some days good. Some days bad. This is going to affect you for awhile. Just don't react when you're feeling sad and lonely and wondering if you made the right decision. Those emotions will come but then will also pass. So don't react and don't let it make you feel as if you are stagnating.

 

You are stronger than you think you are -- most would have stayed. Stay determined and keep pushing forward. You did the right thing.

[ForeverAlone2016]

One day, you will look back on this and know that you dodged a bullet. And you will realize how strong you were in making the decision to do what's right regardless of the pain you knew you were going to endure. That will be empowering.

 

It's normal for you to fluctuate. Some days good. Some days bad. This is going to affect you for awhile. Just don't react when you're feeling sad and lonely and wondering if you made the right decision. Those emotions will come but then will also pass. So don't react and don't let it make you feel as if you are stagnating.

 

You are stronger than you think you are -- most would have stayed. Stay determined and keep pushing forward. You did the right thing.

 

I really hope so. I am dreading seeing him with another woman though. It will happen sooner rather than later, especially given how anxious his family was to get him married. I am hoping to recover well before that day arrives.

 

I have to be stronger. When I am feeling sad or lonely, I tend to txt him/check his fb profile. I know it will go nowhere but it makes me feel good for a splitting second, before I realise how foolish that move was.

 

I will keep pushing, because there is no other way to go.

[Zahara]

I really hope so. I am dreading seeing him with another woman though. It will happen sooner rather than later, especially given how anxious his family was to get him married. I am hoping to recover well before that day arrives.

 

I have to be stronger. When I am feeling sad or lonely, I tend to txt him/check his fb profile. I know it will go nowhere but it makes me feel good for a splitting second, before I realise how foolish that move was.

 

I will keep pushing, because there is no other way to go.

 

That will likely happen but when you stress about that -- imagine the life his new wife will have knowing how controlling his family is? It's normal to idealize and think of all the good times and think about how he'll meet someone new and all will be happily ever after. It won't because you know the reality of him and his family.

 

When I was in my late teens, my mother wanted to matchmake me with her neighbor's son. I rebelled. He married someone else. The family is always scolding her, critiquing her, bossing her around, controlling the time they get to spend with their grandchildren, how to cook for her son, etc. She's a shell. Her husband is sweet and kind but he is also controlled by his family so he doesn't really stand up for her. Think about what your life would be whenever you feel sad or question your judgment.

 

Please stop texting him. Block him. You're only delaying your healing.

[ForeverAlone2016]

That will likely happen but when you stress about that -- imagine the life his new wife will have knowing how controlling his family is? It's normal to idealize and think of all the good times and think about how he'll meet someone new and all will be happily ever after. It won't because you know the reality of him and his family.

 

When I was in my late teens, my mother wanted to matchmake me with her neighbor's son. I rebelled. He married someone else. The family is always scolding her, critiquing her, bossing her around, controlling the time they get to spend with their grandchildren, how to cook for her son, etc. She's a shell. Her husband is sweet and kind but he is also controlled by his family so he doesn't really stand up for her. Think about what your life would be whenever you feel sad or question your judgment.

 

Please stop texting him. Block him. You're only delaying your healing.

 

Wow that really does put things into perspective. You dodged a bullet as well. Well done for doing that. I hope that one day I can look back and be proud of myself as well.

 

My x would have been worse in that situation. He wouldn't even be passive. He would stand with his family and against me like he did the other day. He was laughing while I was crying. He was making jokes at my expense and at the expense of my family. You are absolutely right. I am so glad to have spoken to you. It gives me strength that everything will be alright.