He's giving up and I don't want to

[PegNosePete]

All I really want is a cuddle from him.

Really, you want a cuddle from someone who treated you so badly?

 

I'd rather have a cuddle from a bengal tiger!

[heybabes]

I have just gone through a very bad break up. I have written about this on previous threads and I appreciate everyone's advice before, but this is really about coping and feeling useless.

 

Me and my ex were together for 5 years, lived together for a while, had a dog together. We lived apart recently due to financial difficulties with the aim of saving up and moving back in together. This caused a lot of stress between us and we have argued a lot over the last year and my ex became very unpredictable and quite nasty.

 

I tried so many times to work our relationship out but being a man in the military, he didn't want to talk about how he was truly feeling, despite showing signs of depression and anxiety. I have always been there for him.

 

We decided to have a big talk last weekend about everything and how we would move forward through this difficult time, and we resolved things and admitted how much we loved each other and shouldn't be taking out our stress on each other. We were then very loved up and I felt so happy that we were going to move past this.

 

Then when I got home I found out he had cheated on me with someone else the Friday before as all the messages came through to the laptop we share together. I confronted him about it, texted the girl saying 'You know he's got a girlfriend' and instead of sorting it out or him apologising, he turned it around on me, went absolutely mental at me for texting this girl he met last week - saying that I'm mental - and also told the girl that I was lying and that we'd broken up months ago and we never spent the weekend together!

 

He called me that evening but I ignored it as I was so upset and had a couple of drinks so didn't want to say something I didn't mean. I tried to speak to him the next day and he said we can speak after work. I told him I loved him etc (initial fear of losing him) by text before calling him, and called him after work. He didn't respond. He read my messages but ignored me. I called him a couple of times and said can we talk? Again, read and ignored.

 

It's now Thursday and he still hasn't spoken to me. I haven't tried to contact him again as I deleted his number so I wouldn't say anything stupid. I am absolutely broken inside. This was my best friend and partner for 5 years. Every decision I made, all my life plans, all my belongings, my whole routine, my whole LIFE was with him. We were partners. And now he has dropped me like this, for the first person who has given him a bit of attention, and doesn't even have the curtsey to say sorry or even speak to me at all. I mean, technically we haven't even discussed breaking up although I suppose it's a bit of a given.

 

I know its easy to say 'better off without him' but I'm really struggling to see it like that at the moment. He was my whole life and I care about him so much. We've had some tough times, fallen out a lot and sometimes felt a lot of hate for him, but I've never fallen out of love with him. We've always gotten through it as we love each other. Now it seems like none of this ever mattered to him.

 

I just don't know what to do, I don't know what is going through his head. I can't eat or sleep, I'm truly truly heartbroken.

[PegNosePete]

I know its easy to say 'better off without him' but I'm really struggling to see it like that at the moment. He was my whole life and I care about him so much.

I'm sorry to say that feeling was not reciprocal. You were not his whole life, otherwise he would not have treated you badly and cheated on you. So yeah, you are better off without someone like that. I know it's easy to say but it's still true. You just can't see it right now because you've put him on a pedestal and think he's the best guy ever. Well he's not and as outsiders we can see that plainly.

 

I just don't know what to do, I don't know what is going through his head.

It doesn't matter what is going through his head. The relationship is over. The best thing you can do now, is to never speak to him again. That is the quickest and best way of getting over him, and feeling better. It is difficult to do but it is the least painful in the long run. If you keep in contact with him then it will be longer and more painful.

 

Good luck.

[heybabes]

I'm sorry to say that feeling was not reciprocal. You were not his whole life, otherwise he would not have treated you badly and cheated on you. So yeah, you are better off without someone like that. I know it's easy to say but it's still true. You just can't see it right now because you've put him on a pedestal and think he's the best guy ever. Well he's not and as outsiders we can see that plainly.

 

 

It doesn't matter what is going through his head. The relationship is over. The best thing you can do now, is to never speak to him again. That is the quickest and best way of getting over him, and feeling better. It is difficult to do but it is the least painful in the long run. If you keep in contact with him then it will be longer and more painful.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Thank you for this. It's very hard to hear as obviously happened only 5 days ago and I really am grieving so badly. I feel sick and I can't eat anything, I'm not sleeping well either.

 

I'm just in shock I think - it was this time last week that I was on my way to see him, where we bought matching trainers, sorted things out, stayed with his parents, told each other how much we loved one another. I just don't know how all of this happened and how he has just ignored me ever since.

 

I wish I knew how to take this pain away.

[Emilia]

I wish I knew how to take this pain away.

Time, less than you think. When something so nasty and dramatic happens, that can flip something in us and make us get over the person faster. When that trust is destroyed you start losing that love. It may seem impossible now but believe me, very shortly you will see what I'm talking about.

 

You will be over this faster than you think.

[greenly24]

I am so sorry! I can't imagine being with someone for so long and then everything ending in a flash. As with most things like this, I think it's just going to take some time. I know that that is in exactly good news, but we are emotional creatures and we just can't switch our emotions off with the flip of a switch. I feel positive that you will be able to recover from all this. Best of luck.

[heybabes]

I just thought I would quickly update on here:

 

So I found out through my cousin (who is also dating his cousin, they have been for around 8 years) that he has told his family that we have broken up.

 

He also didn't go home for the weekend like he usually does if he doesn't see me. Which means he's probably with that other girl.

 

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach that he is doing this after 5 years together, just one week after saying he wanted to move in with me. We've always talked about marriage, kids... we even went through a very traumatic termination together. I stuck with him when he went to Afghanistan. We have cried together, actual crazy snotty raw tears. He was there for me when I had an eating disorder. I went to his grandma's funeral. Was a part of his family. He came on all of my family holidays together, we only went skiing together a couple of months ago and it was amazing. We travelled together. We lived together. We have a sweet little dog together.

 

Now this. He won't even talk to me. Won't even bother explaining what he's done, or even tell me that we're over. I just don't understand what's going through his head. It's absolutely insane. I am absolutely torn apart.

[ChickiePops]

I hate to say this while you're in such a bad state but I have a feeling he's been cheating for much longer than a few weeks...id say since you moved out.

 

Time really does heal all wounds. Please know you absolutely will be ok. Hugs to you.

[heybabes]

Update & advice needed please everyone:

 

On Sunday afternoon, he sent me an email saying 'Hey, can you call me when you're free this week when you can. Hope you're ok x'

 

This completely threw me as I had no idea what to respond or what to do, whether he wanted to actually speak to me or felt bad about not talking to just wanted to end it over the phone - so I didn't respond.

 

Later on that evening after I didn't call, he sent me a couple more messages. He asked me to call again, but I didn't. He then sent another message saying how much he missed me and he's been having nightmares about how he acted, he just wants to hear my voice and that he hasn't seen anyone else and has no interest (liar) and that he doesn't want us to be unhappy or make me unhappy.

 

Again, I freaked and didn't respond. He then sent a later one saying it broke his heart to delete the photos of me on Instagram and he is a broken man because of this. That he loves me, always has and always will.

 

Although I am happy that he has contacted, I am also really sad and confused as he was the one who cheated on me, denied my existence to another girl and then ignored me for 2 weeks. There's no apology from him, just trying to make me feel bad about how he's feeling. No concern about how cheating on me might make me feel after a 5 year relationship. These messages make it sound like I am the one who dumped him!

 

I think I'm gonna stay NC and see what happens. It's killing me - I'd love to speak to him - but I haven't blocked his number, he can call me if he needs to. He's not asking to get back together - maybe testing the waters to see if he is still in there, I don't know.

 

I'm not sure how I feel. Part of me would love to get back together, but the other part is really scared and don't know how it would work after every thing that's happened. He would have to SERIOUSLY change and so would I.

 

If anyone has any advice or has been in a situation, please help.

[Taramere]

I'm not sure how I feel. Part of me would love to get back together, but the other part is really scared and don't know how it would work after every thing that's happened. He would have to SERIOUSLY change and so would I.

 

If anyone has any advice or has been in a situation, please help.

 

I'm sure lots and lots of people have been in that situation. A basically bad relationship that's somehow addictive for both parties. Your ex has behaved like a sh*t, but a lot of people in dysfunctional relationships do. And when I say dysfunctional, I do not mean that either you or your ex are dysfunctional people. You just don't work well together for the long term....and maybe there's a lot of guilt and other negative feelings on both sides about that.

 

Maybe both of you have the "If I were a better person..." bad feelings about this. The relationship was probably great in the early days. Maybe brought out all sorts of good things in both of you - but that's over. It's now bringing out the worst, and it really doesn't sound as though persevering with things will result in anything more than the odd flash of ignorant bliss and lots and lots of pain and bad feeling on both sides.

 

In him, the relationship seems to be bringing out this really quite emotionally abusive aspect to him. In you, perhaps it brings out your weakest and most insecure aspects. And that is a good thing, because it's a golden opportunity for you to see very clearly some of the weaknesses in yourself that you need to spend time and energy addressing in order to become (in the long term) a happier and more successful person. If the two of you keep expending energy trying to fix something as badly broken as this relationship - and attempting to change yourselves beyond recognition in the process - I feel certain that the anger and resentment will keep just building up.

 

This guy came into your life for a reason. You had some great times with him in the past. He was very meaningful to you, and that's hard to let go of. No doubt hard for him too, however much of an a-hole he might be at times. But the relationship has run its course. Painful as it is, you'll heal from it...and so long as you take good advice on that healing process and don't give way to bitterness, self loathing or any of the other things that people get tempted to give way to after a break up, you'll be a better and stronger woman by the end of it. I promise you.

Edited May 31, 2016 by Taramere

[heybabes]

Thank you for your advice, unfortunately I disagree - I really think we have gone through some bad times and he's going through things, we love each other so much and I know it can work.

 

I called him. This was last night.

 

It started off a normal conversation, just catching up and seeing what each other had been up to over the last couple of weeks. I tried to keep positive, telling him I'd a good time, taking up running and keeping busy. Then I said it was really good to hear his voice, and he burst into tears and wouldn't stop crying.

 

He was saying how torturous the last 2 weeks had been from not speaking to me, that he couldn't move on and he's all over the place, that he's been having nightmares about me being with other people, etc. It was absolutely heartbreaking - I hadn't seen him/heard him cry for over a year. He seemed absolutely devastated.

 

However, he was not saying he wanted to get back together. I didn't want to push, I was trying not to get emotional too. I just wanted to keep positive and obviously still have my guard up a bit about how I felt, although I felt desperate to be with him.

 

But he was acting like I had dumped him and this was the end. He said he wanted to send me a letter or email explaining why all of this happened and why he has acted the way he has, he just couldn't do it on the phone. I asked him if he wanted to meet up at the weekend, just for lunch or something to talk about things. He was so upset and was like 'I can't do it'. I said I'm always here for you no matter what and call me whenever you need to, which he appreciated. I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too.

 

I'm so confused. As much as I know people from the outside will think he's horrible for what he did - he is - but I know that he hasn't been himself and hearing him last night in the state he was made me think now he has realised that, too.

 

I want more than anything to get back together with him, and it seems like he loves me just as much. I'm just really confused at how he was acting. I don't want to push him away by pressing him about what he wants considering it seems like he's having a bit of a breakdown, but I don't want him to push me away. I'd love to start again, I told him our last relationship was dead to me, but that he wasn't. That I wanted to move on from it, but still with him. Maybe he thought I was talking about as friends? I know you have to be very clear with men, I just don't know how to approach this and don't think I could bear it if he rejected me.

 

Usually I would give him a bit of space, but he's going away with work this Sunday for a few weeks, so this weekend is the last weekend I could see him before he goes. I'm absolutely desperate to see him in person as I know if I did, we would for sure rekindle as we love each other so much.

 

What do you guys think? I'm completely at a loss about this. I'm at work and can't stop thinking about him and hearing his voice has brought up so many loving feelings within me I feel like I'm going to burst. I want to text him telling him I love him, but I don't know... I just hope he feels the same way.

[Emilia]

I think that he is better at letting go than you are, OP.

[Emilia]

A male friend of mine talked to me once about breaking up with his long term girlfriend. They fought a lot and he decided enough was enough and broke it off.

 

They of course had some texts going back and forth and he confided in one of his mates that he was feeling really bad and was considering getting back with his now ex girlfriend.

 

His friend told him that his feeling bad did not mean he wasn't doing the right thing.

 

So my friend stayed broken up and eventually moved on.

[Zahara]

So, this guy calls you names, constantly shifts blame, starts fights, always threatens to break up with you, cheats on you, goes on dating sites, and who knows what else he does -- and you're wanting to go back to this?

 

This isn't love. This is two people with a toxic attachment to dysfunction.

[elaine567]

My guess is that it had all gone well with his "date", he would not be crying over the phone to you. YOU assume he is crying over you and he led you to believe that, but that may not be the case at all

As you astutely noted, he never once said he wanted you back and even turned down an opportunity to meet.

He may not be happy this minute, but that doesn't mean he ever wants to go back to you.

 

Do not be a doormat, as Zahara said "this guy calls you names, constantly shifts blame, starts fights, always threatens to break up with you, cheats on you, goes on dating sites, and who knows what else he does"

Just keep remembering that.

 

My guess is he may agree to a hook up this week end with you before he goes away for a few weeks, that is if he has nothing else planned...

[privategal]

When you break up with someone you love the void is deep and the pain is strong so your temptation is to always run back because your self esteem has taken a hit and you dont have alot of selc value due to the emotional struggles you faced.

Your ego also doesn't want to let another girl have your 'man' you want to be picked and chosen.

If only you realized he is no prize.

You stayed nc a few days to punish him and feign you had lost interest or make him worry. It stroked your ego this toxic ex was now chasing you again.

 

It will end again. Nothing has changed, the same problems still exist, his immaturity and lack of integrity will constantly make you distrust and question everything.

Id sign up for counseling, or have a good heart to heart with your Mom, an aunt or Grandma.

Im sure any wise woman would tell you to get away from him.

Its not a strong healthy relationship, you just arent strong enough to let go but you should.

You ran right back cause you had a good phonecall? Common.