He's giving up and I don't want to

[heybabes]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 years now and the last year of it has just been terrible.

 

We lived together last year whilst I was doing a Masters degree and unfortunately I couldn't find a job around where we lived, he got into financial difficulty and so I moved back to live with my parents for a bit where I found a really good job and thought we would save up some money for a about a year or so then move back in together.

 

It has been a year now since I moved back to my parents, and he has made me feel so awful about our situation. He HATES driving up to see me, HATES my parents, HATES that we don't have our own place. He is constantly frustrated and annoyed at the situation and has taken it out on me all this time, by calling me names, threatening to break up with me, starting fights out of nowhere, etc.

 

I've tried numerous times to find a new job closer to him, been through assessment days, interviews, etc and haven't been able to find anything just yet. Even at WORK, I am consistently job searching, filling out applications even though I quite like my job and where I live and have just received a promotion - and he hates his job and constantly complains about it.

 

Meanwhile I bear the brunt of all of his frustrations, and it's up to me sort everything out. I've said to him let's get somewhere and meet in the middle, but he leaves it up to me to sort out. I know our situation isn't ideal, and I don't particularly like it either but he is constantly arguing with me and making me feel awful all the time. He's behaving so badly - I even found him going on a dating website and lying so that he didn't have to see me one weekend (!!!) and I still forgave him as he promised me he would stop behaving this way.

 

Last weekend I got a bit emotional about the whole thing as I felt there was too much pressure on me to make the move despite trying my hardest, and he just flipped on me and said he couldn't be with someone who was upset all the time, he didn't think we were compatible, he has no money, he hates his job and his life and it's all my fault. That he's young and shouldn't be this stressed.

 

We spoke yesterday evening and he apologised, and I told him it wasn't enough and I feel so bad about everything. I felt so frustrated and probably kept going on at him too much, so in the end he turned everything on me (again) and started bringing up something I did 3 years ago!

 

Somehow this has ended in me spending my lunch break crying on the phone to him and apologising for what I did (I didn't cheat, btw, we broke up for a few weeks and I saw someone else in that time before we got back together - very regrettably), and now he is ignoring me! I sent him a message saying I love you and he's just not responding.

 

If anyone has any advice on this situation please help, as I am at my wits end. I love him so much and we usually work so well and I know our situation is causing so much stress to us both, I'm so upset and I just need to know how to get it back on track again but also having respect for myself at the same time.

[d0nnivain]

Financial stressors can be brutal as you are finding out. Unfortunately money ruins many relationships. If he can't find a way to work with you to function as a team to solve this dilemma you have your answer: he has limited LTR potential because he refuses to work with you to solve joint problems.

[Tis]

So... You lived with him until you were finished with college then you left him to deal with all the financial stress of keeping a place on his own?

 

You really don't see why he's mad?

 

You should just break up and let him let go of the resentment he has toward you.

[truth_seeker]

5 years together and no sign of ever getting married... what's the point of continuing?

[elaine567]

You need to concentrate on this job and your career and leave the "victim" to sort his own life out. He is, I think, half way out the door anyway. it wouldn't take much for him to leave you, so don't mess things up your end. You will need that job.

[Emilia]

I think OP you should read your post again and ask yourself, if your sister was seeing someone who treated her like this, what would you ask her? Would you ask her why she is putting up with being maltreated? Why does she have such low self esteem that she thinks it's acceptable to put up with so much abuse? Why she has allowed someone to damage her so badly that she thinks this is the life she should be living with a man like this?

 

What advice would you give your sister? Would you be happy if she was in a relationship like the one you have just described?

 

Why are you allowing this to happen to yourself? Why aren't you looking out for yourself?

[Methodical]

This sounds like a dreadful relationship with no light at the end of the tunnel. Cut him loose, concentrate on your job, and find someone who isn't miserable and projects blame.

[bathtub-row]

This guy is a drama king and he will always expect you to be the one to fix things. And it will always be your fault - whatever the problem is. I can save you the suspense and tell you that he will always act this way and things will not improve. If he never did this kind of thing before, then he was hiding it from you.

[Poppyolive]

Looks like it has run its course. He is mean, disrespectful and a bully, so.it seems. Why on earth would you want to be with someone whom is so blatantly mean to you? It's too far down the hole, I think.

[Buddhist]

This isn't salvageable. He's displaying his level of emotional awareness by projecting all his frustrations onto you and expecting you to fix it, just like mommy would. In other words he's behaving like a 6yr old instead of taking responsibility for his own predicament.

 

At a guess there are probably these issues as well..

 

- envy that you get to move back home, have the support of family during your difficult times.

- jealous that you have a job and a situation that you like.

- Bullying you into giving up that job you like and are doing well at so he doesn't have to face his own issues, that he doesn't like his job and feels jealous of your security and success.

 

Whatever you do, do NOT in any way give up your job or move out of home for him. You will regret it. I can almost guarantee here that you could jump through every hoop he's expecting you to and he will still break up with you. You will lose everything, for nothing.

 

Realise that all his frustrations are with himself and do not allow him to project them as a problem with you and what you are doing. If he can't handle being in a relationship with someone who is responsible and doing well, it doesn't bode well for any kind of future with him. He will throw a tantrum anytime you are doing better than him and demand that you 'stop that' so he can feel better about himself.

 

This boy has real problems. Ones he needs to sort out on his own. All his problems can only be fixed by growing up. He won't do that while he manipulate you into making him feel secure.

[heybabes]

Some of you may have seen my last thread on having troubles with my boyfriend a while (read: Boyfriend takes his anger out on me) and now it has finally come to a really big blow and I don't know what to do.

 

Basically things have been awful for so long, but I went over to his parents this weekend to sort things out - and we did - we finally talked about everything after 2 years of things not working out and for once I felt really positive about things and thought we'd finally made a move in the right direction. We were lovey-dovey, slept together, romantic and told each other how much we loved one another.

 

I came home yesterday morning, and restarted my laptop, which we share, and this is when all of his imessages came through. I didn't want to read them for obvious reasons, but I noticed his most recent one was from an unknown number and it was a girl he had met on Thursday night, and had taken out for lunch on Friday. This is when he told me he was stuck in traffic. I saw him the same day and we slept together...

 

I was so angry and upset reading this, I was silly and texted the girl saying 'Just so you know, these messages have come through to my computer and he's actually in a 5 year relationship and we just spent the weekend together with his parents and our dog'. When I finally got through to my boyfriend, he wasn't that apologetic as he denied it at first but then started explaining about how bad he'd been feeling & that he wanted to see what it was like to be with someone else.

 

Then he found out I'd texted this girl, called me back and went MENTAL at me. Saying how dare I text her, and that he had to apologise on my behalf for being such a psycho. He then said he wanted to break up with me, so I said ok, hung up and then he called back saying he didn't mean it, it's just how he felt and that he was so mad he didn't want to make any decisions when he was angry so we would speak when he cooled off.

 

I didn't contact him all day yesterday and met up with my friends instead. I then got a text from this girl saying that my boyfriend told her that I had lied, that me and him broke up months ago, and that he hadn't seen me this weekend! So when he called me in the evening I ignored it.

 

Stupidly, I couldn't sleep last night thinking about everything and how much I love him and don't want this to end. I texted him saying 'Love you x' and he hasn't replied. I then text saying 'Can we talk later? I'm sorry for not picking up yesterday' He replied 'After work'. I responded saying 'Ok. I love you forever. xxxx' he hasn't responded.

 

Basically what I'm saying is, I don't know what to do. I love him so much I really don't want this to end. He is my best friend and the love of my life. We have been together since we were 19 - I don't want to give up on us but don't want to push him away. I know he's in the wrong as well which makes it harder and makes me hate myself for wanting to stay with him, but it's what I want. Please help!!!

[Marco Valerio]

Holly S&*t YOU should be the one giving up!!!! What good reason is there to be in a RS with him?

[TaraMaiden2]

You made no response to the posts in your first thread.

 

Some of you may have seen my last thread on having troubles with my boyfriend a while (read: Boyfriend takes his anger out on me) and now it has finally come to a really big blow and I don't know what to do.

 

Have you actually taken any note of the advice?

 

Basically, the advice you're getting is to leave.

Thjis man is treating you like a doormat, and what you are responding with is "Please feel free to wipe your feet on me any time you like, and make sure you wear heavy, hob-nailed boots when you do.!"

 

Is all and any advice going to fall on deaf ears?

because the only advice you will get is to dump his azz and get the hell out of there.

 

But you won't listen, I fear....

[smudge21]

Relationships should be equal. What you have is 100% effort from you and none from him. He knows he has you wrapped round his finger so he can go live his life, see other women, treat you like dirt and you'll still tell him how much you love him. Seriously, this is an addiction and like any addiction you need to deal with it before it takes over your life.

 

Walk away.. in fact, run away. Try to see this from outside and ask yourself is this really want you expect from a loving, trusting, respectful relationship. Deep down you must see that this is wrong, but I do understand how much it can hurt to walk away when you have feelings for someone, even when they treat you badly. Only you can change this. You have to take charge and do what is best for you. He won't change as he's having his cake, eating it, and you're there to clean up the crumbs afterwards.

 

You deserve better than this, we all do.

[elaine567]

He just set up a date and went out with this girl behind your back, lying to her he said he had split up with you and that he never spent the weekend with you, and he tells her that YOU are a liar, and all you can say is "Love you x". What do you actually love about him?????

 

Can't you see he wants to keep her on board and that you are low on his priority list. She was a candidate to be your replacement so that is why he is so angry at you messing up things.

He was/is looking for a way out of this relationship and so that is why he has got up the courage to dump you now.

The weekend was just a sticky plaster on a bad relationship, him going mental at you for exposing his cheating is the real him.

Make provisions for you and the dog to get out of there asap before he throws you out. Or if it is your place, throw him out.

 

I am sorry but Taramaiden is right. This IS the message you are sending out.

"Please feel free to wipe your feet on me any time you like, and make sure you wear heavy, hob-nailed boots when you do.!"

 

Get a back bone and put some fire into your veins.

[oldshirt]

for some reason there is a heavy societal pressure to "work things out" when dating relationship go sour.

 

 

The very purpose of dating is to do things with someone and spend time with them to get to know them to see if they are the right person to marry, have a home and family with and be partnered to for the rest of your days.

 

 

When you get to know that person and it isn't working, why continue????

 

 

There is a big difference between working out which end of the toothpaste to squeeze and who takes the dishes out of the dishwasher and what kind of music to listen to in the car vs someone treating you badly, cheating, having drug/alcohol problems etc etc.

 

 

When someone treats you badly, cheats on you or has serious character flaws, that is the cue to exit stage left - not try to work things out.

 

 

Character flaws and bad behavior cannot typically be worked out as a couple. Your best option is to get away.

 

 

I agree with all the other posters (and apparently all the other posters in your other thread) YOU should be the one throwing in the towel and calling it a day.

[oldshirt]

Here is a little life lesson that you need to keep with you and pass down to your children.

 

 

"working it out" applies to two decent people of good character who mutually want to nourish the relationship working collaboratively to mitigate petty annoyances in an effort to not get on each other's nerves as much.

 

 

Things that indicate character issues, bad behavior, knowingly bringing harm and suffering to the other and anything that resembles abuse, cheating, abandonment or chemical addiction, you drop the microphone and walk off stage.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you have this backwards.

 

He is a lying tool who doesn't love you. He doesn't respect you, there is no relationship to give up on anymore.

 

And you don't want to lose him? Oh, h*ll no. There is something very wrong with this line of thinking. You've got yourself into a toxic relationship in which he is an arse and you are afraid of losing...what? Someone who doesn't give a crap about you?

 

Honey, you need to stay away from this guy and work on your self-esteem. Only then will you be strong enough to filter out men who treat you like a doormat. Only then will true love come into your life. This guy is a clown, whose butt I'd dump so fast his head would spin. Seriously, he's playing you and his new girl for fools.

[LostOnes05]

This is a prime example of treat a woman/man poorly, give them the hot and cold, and they "love you forever". Speaking as a man, are you kidding me??! Dude is walking all over you and you're apologizing?? I'm all for working on a relationship, but you are being grossly mistreated. C'mon...do it for Loveshack...The "it" being break up with him and find someone who actually loves you.

 

Sidenote 1: I'm definitely cheating, lying, yelling and making the woman think it's her fault in my next relationship. Seems like the only way today to maintain a long-term, "healthy" relationship...(if you have read my other posts, you know I'm kidding...I despise cheating).

[cupolatte]

I can see how you are at a loss for what to do. Your meeting with him to communicate was excellent. I’m sorry you have been lied to by “your bestfriend” who told you he was stuck in traffic, when he’d been with someone else. Communication is necessary to know whatyou can expect in your future.Yourfuture is worth finding out his true intentions. I have a verse for you for your own personal guidance Isaiah 55:6 Seek the Lord while hemay be found; call on him while he is near”.

Edited May 16, 2016 by cupolatte

[Gemini_jo]

Like another commenter said above, you only made your initial post last time and then did not comment on it at all.

 

It seems as if you are doing the same thing this time, meaning you do not want to hear the advice being given because it's not matching up with what you want to hear.

 

Please don't stay in a crappy relationship with a crappy guy. The people here at loveshack are usually right.

[spiderowl]

He is cheating and blaming you! I know you don't want this to end because you are used to him, you've bonded with him, and you may feel you can't bear to be alone again, but he is not trustworthy and you deserve better. Dump the guy and although it will be very painful at first, as we all go through lots of emotions after a break-up, you will find other opportunities appear and realise that you are actually free to take them and have the chance of a better future.

[basil67]

OK, you say you love him. List all the reasons you find him so lovable.

 

Serious question. Do it and show us.

[BC1980]

So instead of breaking up with you to date other people, he decided to date someone else while in the relationship. I guess to give the other girl a test run, and, if she didn't work out, he'd keep you until he found someone else. No one in their right mind is going to tell you to stay with this guy. What do your family and friends say?

[heybabes]

Thank you everyone for your advice, I really appreciate it. I really needed to hear all of it.

 

I know I was a fool really to think it was salvageable at this stage. He hasn't even tried to contact me, even though I called him and asked him to call me when he could. He read my messages and chose to ignore me.

 

I imagine he just doesn't want to deal with me. He is happy with some new girl and all the excitement someone new brings, of course he doesn't want to hear from whiny old me.

 

The way he has treated me is absolutely vile and the way he has reacted to all of this is probably a good thing because it's made me realise how much of an immature and horrible person he has become.

 

I guess I said I loved him because it's true - we really did have a lot going until recently. I can't imagine my life without him. However I know I deserve better and I shouldn't have put up with it - I just thought I was being there for someone going through a rough time. Only so much you can do I suppose.

 

I've deleted his number off my phone and deleted all the photos of us. I've cleared all the visible things from my room that he bought me or were our together, which were most things as we lived together before. I know I'm gonna have to go through his things at some point and luckily his auntie lives by so I think I will just drop them off when I'm ready.

 

I am hurting so much. I feel like I've lost everything in my life - he was my partner and we did everything together. We made every decision together and now he's just gone - just like that and in such a horrible way. I am at a complete loss and feel like a failure. My friends and family are being great but I can't even sleep or eat. All I really want is a cuddle from him.

 

I wish this pain would just go away.