ashteller Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 Hello, I am so baffled and curious why most if not all the advice given here for a failed relationship or one rejection is to move on and let go? I have heard and witnessed so many times that men and woman were persistent and kept pursuing a person over time and after a rejection or two they eventually said yes and it turns out to be the best relationship ever and they get married and live happily together. Why is the advice of letting go and moving on and changing your feelings the best and what seems like the only advice everyone gives? Why aren't there suggestions like "try this ....." Or "try that ...." even "your approach was too weak or too strong..." best yet "well you see this is where you went wrong......" I just see "yep move on, let go of everything and crush any dreams or desire you have to show love to this person" Since when did giving up get anybody anywhere?
seamos Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 I don't really understand your statement. Maybe it's because I don't spend as much time in the dating category as I do marriage and general relationships etc... but I don't see the majority of advice to be "to move on". Sure there's some of that but I think there's as much advice on staying and dealing w/ the problem. The only exceptions, I think, would be the "infidelity" or "cheating" sections. That is kind of understandable since that involves behavior so opposite to the idea of relationships. I agree that always giving advice to "just give up" wouldn't really be that helpful but I don't think that's usually the case.
normal person Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 (edited) Hello, I am so baffled and curious why most if not all the advice given here for a failed relationship or one rejection is to move on and let go? More often than not, forgetting about it and moving in usually is the most practical decision. If someone rejects you, or if things didn't work out someone due to irreconcilable differences, that's a very good sign that you shouldn't be with that person. If your attraction or relationship was so great, you wouldn't have problems to being with. Factor in today's social stigma of being too persistent and thus a "stalker," and there you go. I have heard and witnessed so many times that men and woman were persistent and kept pursuing a person over time and after a rejection or two they eventually said yes and it turns out to be the best relationship ever and they get married and live happily together. And I have heard many times about a guy who hit a hole in one on the golf course, or hit a half court shot at the buzzer to win a basketball game, or won the lottery. No one's saying it doesn't happen. But just because it happens sometimes doesn't mean it happens enough to suggest it's anywhere near the best course of action. Why is the advice of letting go and moving on and changing your feelings the best and what seems like the only advice everyone gives? No rational person expects someone to change their feelings. But there is only so much in this world within our locus of control. In my book, the advice is always to control what you can control, and figure out how to deal with what you can't. And why do you say the advice "always" this way? I haven't noticed it as a particularly prevalent problem. Why aren't there suggestions like "try this ....." Or "try that ...." even "your approach was too weak or too strong..." best yet "well you see this is where you went wrong......" Because most of that stuff doesn't work. I assume you're writing this based on your own anec dotal experiences where it did. But you've got to realize that most of the time, given circumstantial and personal limitations, people can only have so much of an affect on a situation regardless of what they do or not. There are threads on here where people get pages and pages of advice from people who know what they're talking about, and it usually yields little change. Even the best advice on a message board can't "make" you what some already selective person wants. Advice given here (keep in mind a lot of it can be very bad advice too) might only improve someone's chances slightly. You can help someone rewrite their OLD profile, but at the end of the day, if they don't have a job and they're overweight, the profile could be written by Shakespeare and it wouldn't make a difference. I just see "yep move on, let go of everything and crush any dreams or desire you have to show love to this person" Would you prefer "Keep bothering this person who's made their lack of interest very clear and deny yourself the chance to meet someone else who might actually appreciate you?" Since when did giving up get anybody anywhere? Anytime someone liked someone without reciprocity, moved on, and then found happiness later. There's something to be said about persistence. But any idiot can subscribe to mantras like "if I never give up, I can do anything." That's a fairy tale. There's plenty in life that hard work and determination and persistence will not solve, as much as we'd like to believe the contrary. If something isn't working, there's probably a good reason why. If you can't crack the nut any way you try, it's nearsighted and downright moronic to assume that you'll be able to if you just somehow try even harder. There are some battles you'll just never win and you'll be better off the quicker you realize it. Edited May 16, 2016 by normal person 2
preraph Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 I've not seen that work in real life. I've seen it over and over in the movies and on TV, because they're created to have happy endings, but I've rarely ever seen it in real life. No one likes to be dogged once they've told you no. 1
Author ashteller Posted May 17, 2016 Author Posted May 17, 2016 (edited) @seamos I am talking about approaching someone and trying to start a relationship but they reject you or deny you. All the advice I read here and at other places is to move on. I hear stories from other people all the time about my dad kept asking my mom out several times before she said yes. Or that's how my grand parents met, she rejected my grandfather 9 times and he wanted to try a 10 time and said it will be his last attempt and she accepted. What about all these stories. Even at my work this 24 year old girl told me to just move on after a rejection and do not pursue yet she told me her current boyfriend asked her out 3 times before she said yes. Like wtf? People say not to do it but it happens to them and they fall in love. I am going to start following my heart and do what I think is best. Edited May 17, 2016 by ashteller I had a typo
Els Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 I have heard and witnessed so many times that men and woman were persistent and kept pursuing a person over time and after a rejection or two they eventually said yes and it turns out to be the best relationship ever and they get married and live happily together. Really? I've never actually seen this. The few times I've observed when the rejecter even agreed to date the rejectee in the end, it was painfully obvious that the rejecter was just placing the rejectee on the back burner or trying to 'settle' for them. Obviously this sort of R isn't good for anyone, no matter how much you think you love the other person. But if that's the sort of R you want then by all means go for it. 1
Author ashteller Posted May 17, 2016 Author Posted May 17, 2016 Well is it only love at first site that works? Is it more then first impressions and physical looks? Like what if someone asks someone out after a month of knowing them and they get rejected it doesn't mean after 6 months when they get to know each other even more that they might say yes.
Els Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 Well is it only love at first site that works? Is it more then first impressions and physical looks? Like what if someone asks someone out after a month of knowing them and they get rejected it doesn't mean after 6 months when they get to know each other even more that they might say yes. If someone says 'no' to you after knowing you for a MONTH, it isn't just about your appearance anymore. You can get a reasonably good feel of whether you want to date someone after a whole month.
seamos Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 Yeah, Ashteller, I guess if you're comparing now to your parents or grandparents time it probably is a lot different. I think that in their time there weren't all the definitions of disorders and classifications of behaviors that there are now. People maybe weren't as likely to be labelled in a negative way for being persistent enough to keep asking until they got what they wanted. I'm not sure if that's good or that's bad tho. I'm just glad I'm out of the dating circuit, that's got to be hard to navigate.
Justanaverageguy Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 (edited) Why is the advice of letting go and moving on and changing your feelings the best and what seems like the only advice everyone gives? Why aren't there suggestions like "try this ....." Or "try that ...." even "your approach was too weak or too strong..." best yet "well you see this is where you went wrong......" I just see "yep move on, let go of everything and crush any dreams or desire you have to show love to this person" Since when did giving up get anybody anywhere? Well because generally speaking a relationship takes 2 to tango - It only works if both parties have feelings of intimacy and attraction for the other. So if you like some one and they don't like you - sorry but it aint going to work. Further to this if you know the basics of human psychology and how attraction works - persisting with pursuing a partner who has already rejected you or made it known they are not interested in a romantic relationship is the fastest way to make yourself look desperate, needy and a borderline stalker. It is the least successful method to follow if your goal is to change their mind regarding a romantic relationship. It does more harm then good .... read the "Doing a 180" sticky post which covers this in great detail. People are attracted to those who are confident, have self respect and self worth - not those who grovel, beg and persist with pursuing people who have already advised they are not interested. If someone rejects you - accepting it and moving on with your life is both: - The best way for you to deal with the rejection and go on with your life, be happy and potentially meet another partner who is interested - Also simultaneously the best method to follow for the other person you are interested in to change their mind in the future about pursuing a relationship with you. You should not count on this - but following this method really does make it far more likely the other person may eventually become interested or interested again. Edited May 17, 2016 by Justanaverageguy
ChocolateRain Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 (edited) if i understood you correctly OP ... there are different circumstances in ppl lives ... someone can reject you a few times maybe because they were in a bad relationship and they have trust issues or fear of starting new etc etc ... and if you dont give up on them , even being persistent , it might work out to be the greatest thing ever ... it really depends on the persons explanation on why they reject someone . in most cases no means no ...and yes , there are those worth fighting for ... it just really depends on the situation ... Edited May 17, 2016 by ChocolateRain correction
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