FreyaG Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 My ex fiancé and I broke up last summer after 8yrs together, We broke up as we were constantly fighting and it became draining to us emotionally. I began dating a new guy back in Jan who I really like, At first I wasn't interested because like my ex fiancé he is FDNY and I wasn't sure I wanted that again but pursued me relentlessly, He is also unbelievably attractive he gets hit on a lot, He is very intense with me for example he constantly wants to have sex ( which I don't mind) but even once when out with friends he followed me into the bathroom, thankfully he locked the door. We have a very passionate relationship but I find I spend more time with him lately and haven't seen my friends as much which they have been vocal about. Last night when we were out for dinner he suggested we move in together, I was a little apprehensive of the idea as we haven't been together long but I could see how much he wanted me to say yes, He told me when I'm not with him the separation from me is painful for him. I really care about him and I feel I'm falling for him hard but I'm not sure if imp being blinded by all the passion or if there's a reason why I'm over thinking moving in with him. Any advice?
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Whose apartment/house is it? Don't base this decision on emotion, alone. Whatever your monthly expenses are, get him to sign a contract that obligates him to splitting ALL expenses 50/50. Work out a contract of when rent will be payable, how much, any predicted increases (in line with national inflation) and any notice period. Get a deposit. You think I'm kidding? Think again. Judge Judy is full of cases like this. Trust me, you'd be saving yourself a massive shedload of litigation problems if you do as I suggest... When you present a contract with all the above conditions of co-habitation above, it will also determine just how serious he is about moving in with you. If he really wants to MOVE in WITH you - he won't bat an eyelid. If he says "Whoah... hang on... I wasn't expecting this - !" Run like the wind and never look back, because he's thinking with his little trouser friend, and not his proper brain. 1
smackie9 Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Whoa red flag! You could be stepping into a situation of him wanting to control you....it would freak me out if a guy I hardly know say it "it's painful for him" when he is without me ....it has ick factor all over it. I agree yo are being blinded by passion, and making a decision to live together like this wouldn't be wise. If you live toether, there is going to be friction when you want to go out without him to meet a friend for lunch or have a night out with the girlies. You are going to end up fighting like cats and dogs because of the intensity of the relationship. Decline his offer with some grace with a well thought out explanation. Tell him the intensity/emotions are way too high at this time and should take a step back and go through the process of actually getting to know each other better, rather than hastily make the decision to move in together based on passion/ sex. 9
CarrieT Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Yes - moving in after four months is WAY too fast... Especially since right now he is more concentrated on sex. You two are in the honeymoon stage and it is always best to see and get to know a person through all four season - at least a year - before deciding to live together. At that point, the honeymoon period will wane a bit and you will get a chance to learn the REAL person and decide if there is a lifetime worth building upon. 7
Gaeta Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 How much time do you spend together? Before moving in together try living at each other's place for a while, always keeping your own apartment. My boyfriend and I have been dating 6 months. We spend 100% of our time together but we both keep our places for now. Meanwhile we learn to live together on daily basis. When we make it to our 1st year relationship we will revisit the the matter of living together. 3
No_Go Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 IMO it is ok - as long as you make a clear agreement on splitting common expenses, like you do with any other roommate. Living together is not marriage, not even close. You can leave anytime if you don't like it. Positives: you'd see the real person, pros and cons of him, much much faster. Just one concern: are you completely over your ex? 8 years is a hell of a LTR, and it's not even an year after ending it...
ExpatInItaly Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Yes, I believe four months is far too fast. You're still getting to know each other, and it already sounds a bit off-balance; your friends are noticing they don't see you much anymore. He's telling you being away from you is painful. To me, that's a bit odd so soon into the relationship. How much time are you currently spending together? How does he react when you're busy and can't meet? Continue dating him. Get to know him better. Re-address this idea in a few months once the honeymoon period has passed. 5
Author FreyaG Posted May 15, 2016 Author Posted May 15, 2016 How much time are you currently spending together? How does he react when you're busy and can't meet? We spend about 90% of our time together. He works shift hours and his hours don't always work well with mine for us to see each other all the time. If he is working a night shift and I tell him I'm going out with the girls he does get a little pissed off about it but he'll either text or call me during the night to check it.
Author FreyaG Posted May 15, 2016 Author Posted May 15, 2016 Oh, and for those wondering It would be me moving into his place.
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 ...If he is working a night shift and I tell him I'm going out with the girls he does get a little pissed off about it but he'll either text or call me during the night to check it. This, to me, is a huge red flag. That spells 'controlling'. Who the hell does he think he is to even think he has the right to check up on you, let alone be 'a little pissed off'...?! Oh, and for those wondering It would be me moving into his place. Nopenopenopenopenope.... He will exhaust you with his sexual demands and control your every move. Do NOT walk into the spider's web, little fly....!! 11
Urban_decay Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Don't do it... I made that mistake about ten years ago and it took me five years to get rid of him. Date him, have a great time, have lots of sleep overs but keep your own place. A guy saying it's painful for him to be without you be it 4 months or 4 years is a HUGE red flag. 4
Dis Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 Some major red flags here.... #1-The relationship seems to be all about sex Do you two know each other outside of sex? As a relationship progresses the amount of sex lessens....if you have nothing going with him besides the sex...your both out of luck. #2- Hes controlling He gets mad when you go out with your friends??? He checks up on you while your out??? This sounds alittle frightening to be honest. I mean, men that end up abusing women behave this way, esp in the beginning. #3-He said its "painful" for him to not be around you Woah! This is not a statment a stable/healthy person would make after only seeing someone for 4 months. #4- He wants you to move in after 4 months Wouldnt he want to get to know you better before this happens? The fact that he has absolutly no caution here is not a good sign. All in all this sounds like a relationship that will burn out fast once the passion dies down...maybe another side of him will show up at this point...I dont think that will be pretty 5
bathtub-row Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 Oh, and for those wondering It would be me moving into his place. This has disaster written all over it and you'd be nuts to put yourself in this position. He sounds overly intense and possessive if you ask me. If you move in with him, he will have you right where he wants you and you'll be trapped. You simply don't know this guy well enough to put yourself in such a position. If he doesn't respect and understand that, then you're better off without him. Let him know that you're going out with your friends and see how he reacts to that. If he gets mad, offended, or bugs you all night while you're with your friends by calling or texting you, then you know for sure that he wants to control you. 4
mortensorchid Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 DON'T MOVE IN WITH HIM. Not now, not EVER! This guy is far too clingy if he is following you into the bathroom. If something doesn't go his way, he will go psycho on you. 2
Els Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 Yeah, 4 months is too soon. And you should really go out and see your friends more, don't drop them just because you have a new R. If he has a problem with you seeing your friends (within reasonable limits of course, I'm not suggesting going out with them til 3am on a daily basis), then that's a huge red flag and you'll be REALLY glad you haven't moved in together. 3
joseb Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 My ex fiancé and I broke up last summer after 8yrs together, We broke up as we were constantly fighting and it became draining to us emotionally. I began dating a new guy back in Jan After such a long term and serious relationship, you probably need more time before having a serious relationship he constantly wants to have sex ( which I don't mind) So this would be a fine stop gap...good sex on tap, what's bad about that.... but I find I spend more time with him lately and haven't seen my friends as much which they have been vocal about. ... We spend about 90% of our time together. .... If I'm going out with the girls he does get a little pissed off about it but he'll either text or call me during the night to check it. except he is already trying to control you...getting pissed off if you go out without him, checking in on you, 90% of your time together?? He told me when I'm not with him the separation from me is painful for him. OK, now he's gone from being a bit controlling to down right weird....what guy even says something like that?????? Do not move in with him. Ever. If you want to keep seeing him for sexy times, then do, but I'd be dialing it back and making sure you have plenty of time apart from him to prevent him suffocating you. 2
kztar Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 These are all MAJOR red flags. Do not move in with him, you barely know the guy and as other posters have mentioned, sounds like this relationship is based on sex. He sounds controlling. I would move on from this guy period before you dig yourself in a hole. You just came out of a really long relationship, I would take some time for myself and really examine these guys you date. 1
smackie9 Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 If he is working a night shift and I tell him I'm going out with the girls he does get a little pissed off about it but he'll either text or call me during the night to check it. This has controlling j%^& written all over it. Proceed with eyes wide open.
Author FreyaG Posted May 17, 2016 Author Posted May 17, 2016 UPDATE GUYS: So his ex girlfriend found out he was dating someone and somehow found me. She came by my job today and told me she wanted to warn me about him, Apparently she had a Retraining Order against after he assaulted her. I believe her as she showed me pictures of the injury. This has completely freaked me out and I've ignored his calls all day I just cant talk to him. Obviously this has changed how wrapped up in him I was and I'm leaning towards ending things with him. I am doing the right thing, Right guys?
GemmaUK Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 Quit this and run. She made efforts to see you because he is cray cray - but you already have several red flags about him yourself - quite enough to be running or the hills without her info. 1
kismetkismet Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 i would say that it's less about the length of time on its own, and more about your specific situation. From the sounds of it you don't reeeally sound like you want to. It sounds like there isn't quite enough of an emotional/lifestyle sort of foundation and it's mostly built on passion. Making decisions like that rashly while still in the honeymoon phase is never a good idea. That said.. i moved in with my boyfriend after about 5 months and it's been perfect. But the thing with that was that he was already more or less living with me for 2 months prior to that. We basically already knew what it was like to live together and we had a strong emotional foundation in the relationship - we'd met each other's families, were friends with each other's friends (none of whom complained about our relationship ever - that's important) and we knew each others long term goals. Moving in together just because you want to be around each other more doesn't make sense. 1
AMJ Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 You need to take a good long break from firefighters. They are trouble.
startinganew777 Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 Yeah, don't do it. So many red flags. I dated a guy that I found out had a past of supposedly getting violent with past girlfriends. He swore it was years ago and that he changed, blah, blah, blah. He put on his best show and I waited a year and he moved in. A couple months after he moved in, turned into a completely different person, threw me down on the ground, sprained my elbow, bashed my head into the floor, locked me out of my own place and knocked down my bedroom door. I called the cops and have a restraining order against him. He will never change. They never do. So please believe his ex, especially since she had proof, and end it right now. 1
Recommended Posts