Stella07 Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 My boyfriend & I are 23 years old and in college. We started dating 4 months ago. He pursued me a lot in the beginning & was very affectionate & sent me adorable, sweet texts every day. I'm not the type to fall for guys super fast. I like to take my time. He pursued me heavily for a few weeks & as I got to know him better, I realized how genuine he was & just what I needed in my life. I loved how sweet & romantic he was, as that is something that is important to me. I agreed to become his girlfriend & we became official. The next few months were amazing. My boyfriend was very verbally affectionate & romantic as well as physically. We were in college, & he has a difficult major. Even though he had to spend so much of his week studying, he always made sure to keep up with me even when he was busy & let me know how much he loved and missed me. He said he wants to spend forever with me. Fast forward to today. we are both back home for the summer. We live in different states and although I was concerned about the distance, he promised me nothing would change & he would keep in touch often and throughout the day. It's been 2 weeks & he takes hours to respond to text messages. He talks very formally now with little emotion. It's mostly, "hey what's up?" questions & takes hours to respond. I usually have to initiate first. All romance has gone out the window & he is no longer sending me sweet, affectionate texts. He doesn't say I love you unless I say it first, which is VERY uncharacteristic of him. At first I kept my sadness to myself, but about 4 days ago I told him how I was feeling & that I missed our communication. I told him it's not about how much he texts me, but the quality of the messages. I am in no way expecting him to text me constantly. The problem is the lack of affection and romance like he used to do. I called him the other day crying saying I missed him being affectionate & if everything was okay. He said everything is fine and he has just been busy. Said he'll do better & make more of an effort. 3 days later & it's worse. I talked to him again about it last night (not in a nagging way) and he took hours to respond while I tried to pour out my heart to him, but stopped answering my messages & went to bed without saying goodnight like usual. He woke up today and saw my message and did not respond to it. Hours later, he simply says "morning". He completely ignored the conversation last night and did not finish. I have not texted him back yet. Not sure what to do.... For the record. I have not been nagging whatsoever. I just expressed that I fell in love with the sweet guy he was back at school and I really don't want his expressing affection to change over the summer. He knows how important affection is to me. I have stopped texting him & wait for him to text me, but nothing. He texts about 2 times a day on his own with a very formal question & ALL expression of affection on his part is gone. Yet he is still saying that nothing is wrong. I asked if he still feels the same way about me. He also said he does NOT need space when I asked him. However his actions say otherwise! How should I handle this? I cannot handle being in a relationship without any affection. It is especially difficult because he used to be incredibly affectionate and romantic! Help!
d0nnivain Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 You should calm down & recognize that the change in geography is causing the changes. He can't see you easily. He had other obligations that he doesn't at school. texting is no way to express emotion, stop trying. Set up Skype or Facetime "dates". Call each other. Stop texting. Really. It's just making you crazy. Call him & make a plan to see each other once per month if possible. 1
Author Stella07 Posted May 15, 2016 Author Posted May 15, 2016 d0nnvain, I did tell him that I would like to facetime and so far he has always said that he doesn't have time. However last Friday he went to a party with his buddies. That is not a problem with me, but if he has time to hang out with buddies then why doesn't he ever have time to facetime or call me?
lilmissjava Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 I think you know where this is headed. Change is inevitable, and that change comes in the form of moving back home for the summer in different states. Expressing affection in text messages... I fail to see the value in that. He can promise to the moon and back that it won't change but it already has. I don't want to make excuses for him, but catching up with family, friends, finding a summer job, that might be what it is. But be prepared for some soul searching if a visit isn't in the near future and the communication fades away. LDR's are hard to sustain.
d0nnivain Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 He wants to have a fun summer & a GF might not be part of that plan. Partying with his buddies is more important to him then you are right now. In college I always broke up with guys at the end of the semester. Summer was just too much of a p.i.t.a. because of what you are experiencing. Sometime we got back together in the fall but mostly not.
Author Stella07 Posted May 15, 2016 Author Posted May 15, 2016 Thanks guys. What is your advice on how I should be acting? Lately I've been trying to play more hard-to-get but I'm not sure he picking up on it. How can I encourage him to try harder to initiate? I am pissed because he told me he has never loved anyone like me and he tried so hard to gain my love in the beginning. I don't fall in love easily so this is really hard on me. I want to make him feel like he might lose me if he doesn't improve, but I don't want to threaten or play mind games. I don't know what to do.
lilmissjava Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Unfortunately, you cannot make someone communicate with you. It is up to him and all you can do is continue to live your life back home. Don't play the "hard to get" game. For him the chase is over. I don't know why though, if you were exclusive and "I love you's" were exchanged, that you hadn't talked about what will happen when both of you moved back home for the summer?
Author Stella07 Posted May 15, 2016 Author Posted May 15, 2016 (edited) We did talk about it! He assured me that nothing would change and that he would keep up with me often and continue to be affectionate over the summer. We talked about it all the time when I told him I was worried about long distance. The thing is, he is very very serious about me, or so he said. I am not one to move fast but he is always bringing up our future together and says things like "forever" all the time. We have not directly discussed marriage as I feel it is way too soon for that but he seems like the committed type. I just can't picture myself with a man who withdraws his affection that I have gotten so used to and love about him. Physical and verbal affection are my love languages. Edited May 15, 2016 by Stella07
KatZee Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 It's very hard to play "hard to get" when you're not even in the same state. Of course he's not picking up on it, he can't even "get you" in general. Long distance relationships are A LOT of work, and I hate to say it, but a 23 year old guy doesn't have the maturity to deal with this sort of work. It's summer time, he'd rather be out having fun with his friends. This should show you just how far down on his list of priorities you are. I did the long distance thing for 18 months years ago. It really DOESN'T take any effort to shoot someone a loving text message at all, and of course you can show emotion though text if you're not remotely near each other. "I love you" "I miss you" :love: xoxox, kiss emojis, you can do TONS of cute stuff. To be honest, long distance relationships work best when there's already a solid foundation set. You've been dating 4 months. You don't HAVE that foundation. You're basically in the "still getting to know each other in a relationship way" phase. Since he's 23 I'm assuming college is now over??
Author Stella07 Posted May 15, 2016 Author Posted May 15, 2016 KatZee, I am in a grad program at the university and he is a double major with one semester left. So that's why we are both still in school. And you are exactly right about how texting a loving message is not hard at all. In fact, he sent me the gushiest, most loving texts full of heart emojis and stuff during the school semester. And he initiated the gushy stuff all the time on his own and said he loved it! I'm so confused why the sudden change in behavior that is so uncharacteristic of his personality.
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