BlueIris Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 He has his own private practice, his MD from UPenn. He wasn't your standard school counselor..... Well that explains it. Sorry, couldn't resist. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 Look, you're trying to create something out of situation in which you are the only one who's invested. She's not. And rightfully so. It doesn't make a lot of sense to invest in some random guy or girl online. That part has zero to do with her age. It's just common sense. Asking for exclusivity before even meeting is, frankly, ridiculous. So you can continue to try to get her to be serious with you, or you can see the writing on the wall. She's young, having fun, and obviously not all that interested in passing any of your "tests". I doubt it's going to be much better in person. Don't pull all your eggs in this basket, OP. You two are not on the same page. 4
elaine567 Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 Yes she's 19, but it is not only about 19 year olds, it is about a girl who despite being in some sort of a relationship with "math guy" was busy exploring "possibilities" with lakerman34 and was unfazed by him seeing other women too. Given the opportunity to take the "relationship" with lakerman34 to another level, she passed and went off seeking another man. This is not necessarily about 19 yo girls, it is about this particular 19 yo, a 19 yo who atm is not "relationship material" in any shape or form as she is not wiling to be monogamous and sees nothing wrong in others being non-monogamous either. If lakerman34 is fed up of his womanising lifestyle and is genuinely seeking more "exclusive" arrangements, then he needs to choose his women more carefully. 5
Lois_Griffin Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 Who even tells a guy they are romantically interested in that she is going to sleep with some other guy she is interested in? LOL. A teenager does. Because she's a teenager.
basil67 Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 I've only read the start of the thread, so forgive me if my comments are outdated. Your mates said that you could view her as a long term hookup. However, the way she spoke to you....it makes me think that she saw you as a long term hookup.
kztar Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 OP this girl is a teenager. You guys are at different points in life. I know that when I was 19 I THOUGHT I had lost the love of my life in college and I was heartbroken because I thought I had my mind straight. Then I started exploring elsewhere and I REFUSED to be in a relationship for four years. NO ONE was going to stop me, I wasn't ready for all that commitment. If you engage yourself in this longterm, get ready for all the headaches that come along with this.
Versacehottie Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 To me, I don't think being 19 is as big a part of the problem. 19 year old girls are just as likely to become super attached and clingy and readily agree to exclusivity before meeting. I'm not sure why OP added this fact to the story because it's pretty much a non-issue IMO. What's pretty ridiculous is discussing exclusivity before they have even met by both of them. IMO, neither one should have brought it up or continued the discussion if the other one brought it up. But maybe they were caught up in feelings and trying to make the connection closer in lieu of having the real ability to do that due to the distance/time until they get to meet. That's really the silly part. Because they haven't met yet. What's even more ridiculous, however the convo came up is that she said to his face that she is going to do what she wants (sleep with the guy this one time) before she starts the exclusivity thing. I mean who does that? Announcing your hall pass. That's not a 19 year old thing. That's just a values/moral thing. Maybe for the act itself but more so for telling him. If she believes she has the right to sleep with whoever because they are not together yet, then do it. If she is acting like they are a couple pretty much (somewhat like he is), which IS what I imagine is going on, then this is just a crazy thing to say. Narcissistic or wanting to incite drama. The drama part may be a little attributed to her age. But honestly, on threads here all the time we hear stories that are just as naive, ridiculous, immature, self-centered from people twice her age. People that do crazy things exist at all ages.
Author lakerman34 Posted May 16, 2016 Author Posted May 16, 2016 UPDATE: So, I went to see Captain America: Civil War last night with my older brother (if you haven't seen it, GO! I'm not a superhero movies type of guy, but this movie was incredibly epic). When I was done, I turned on my phone, and she responded: can we talk? I ask her to call me (I deleted her number). I tell her EXACTLY why I was upset, no holds barred (pretty much EVERYTHING in this thread). She apologized, saying that she acted childish and that she would never, ever want me to feel as if my feelings aren't valid. I apologized for restricting her, which she agreed was too much. I told her we may not be as good for each other as we thought, and she insisted, "I think we'll be great when we meet each other." I brought up the "you're 19, and last night you acted it," and she insisted, "I know my numerical age is 19, and there are certain behaviors you expect me to have at 19, but I can tell you, I'm not mentally a 19 year old girl. I've had to raise myself. Again, you'll see it when we meet." The conversation was relatively pleasant. We talked through it, she was understanding, I was understanding. There was a HUGE undertone coming from her that she REALLY wants this to work out. We ended up talking on the phone for 2.5 hours after that, as if nothing happened. Joking, laughing, making fun of each other. At the end of the conversation, I announced that I was still weary and nothing will take that away right now. She understood, and reiterated "when we are together, you'll see." I'm not ready to let her out of the woods JUST yet, but hey, she handled herself MUCH better in last night's conversation than she did the previous night.
MissBee Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 (edited) It's perfectly normal to want exclusivity with somone you like and want a relationship with and it's also normal to feel jealous if they're sleeping with others, regardless of your exclusivity. You feel how you feel. The problem is that maybe she should have kept the details to herself and you two should have maybe just said generally that you are seeing others and leave it at that. Adding specific details about "math guy" "guy next week" and admitting to potentially wanting to sleep with a specific other person can only ever be a bad idea and will lead to hurt feelings for most people... As we see here. In early dating I expect that the other person is free to date others, that doesn't make me less jealous though. But I sure as heck don't want the details and think that while it is casual and not exclusive it's best to leave details out as they will only hurt you or give you fuel for your thoughts to run wild. I don't see the teenager aspect being the crux of the issue here, unlike others. I think discretion and tact are the issue here. Teens and older women are free to date multiple people before exclusivity, and they do, but it's a matter of being discreet while still being honest. But maybe her being a teen also adds to not having as much discretion, but then again not really, because you are not a teen and also did the same thing more or less with her where you all thought it would be a good idea to be detailed about your potential dalliances. Next time, don't do that. Edited May 16, 2016 by MissBee
katiegrl Posted May 16, 2016 Posted May 16, 2016 UPDATE: So, I went to see Captain America: Civil War last night with my older brother (if you haven't seen it, GO! I'm not a superhero movies type of guy, but this movie was incredibly epic). When I was done, I turned on my phone, and she responded: can we talk? I ask her to call me (I deleted her number). I tell her EXACTLY why I was upset, no holds barred (pretty much EVERYTHING in this thread). She apologized, saying that she acted childish and that she would never, ever want me to feel as if my feelings aren't valid. I apologized for restricting her, which she agreed was too much. I told her we may not be as good for each other as we thought, and she insisted, "I think we'll be great when we meet each other." I brought up the "you're 19, and last night you acted it," and she insisted, "I know my numerical age is 19, and there are certain behaviors you expect me to have at 19, but I can tell you, I'm not mentally a 19 year old girl. I've had to raise myself. Again, you'll see it when we meet." The conversation was relatively pleasant. We talked through it, she was understanding, I was understanding. There was a HUGE undertone coming from her that she REALLY wants this to work out. We ended up talking on the phone for 2.5 hours after that, as if nothing happened. Joking, laughing, making fun of each other. At the end of the conversation, I announced that I was still weary and nothing will take that away right now. She understood, and reiterated "when we are together, you'll see." I'm not ready to let her out of the woods JUST yet, but hey, she handled herself MUCH better in last night's conversation than she did the previous night. lakerman, JMO but this seems like a whole lot of unnecessary drama for two people who haven't even met in person yet. That said, I see nothing wrong or bad about having her come for a visit. Till then, scale back. Keep options open and interaction light. Keep the texting and sex chats down. All that does is build of false intimacy and increases expectations. When the expectations are high, the chance for disappointment when you actually meet is also higher. Right now she is essentially a fantasy. And same for her about you. Nothing is REAL until you actually meet in person. Good luck and keep us posted! 4
Heracles Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 When she told you: «I wanna **** this guy, then afterwards, yeah maybe.» she was being honest with you, without any after thought. Then she later told you that she didn't sleep with the guy; that could very well be because she knows know how you feel about it. I can tell you with a high degree of certainty that if similar situation arise in the future, she will tell you what you want to hear or what she knows won't hurt or offend you. I believe, the reason why she was so honest with you is that you probably came off as non judgmental to her. As such, she wasn't self-conscious around you and spoke without filter. From personal experience, in theses circumstances, you get the unadulterated truth but, see, the tradeoff is: reality doesn't give a f.u.c.k about your feelings. You seem to be onto something. Some people here are trying to derail and confuse you with a lot of b.u.l.l.s.h.i.t but you seem to be holding up pretty well. «She apologized, saying that she acted childish and that she would never, ever want me to feel as if my feelings aren't valid.» It felt good didn't it? And after that, everything came back to normal, right? It is as simple as that. That is all it takes. It is so much easier. Well, good luck to you to sir. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 lakerman, JMO but this seems like a whole lot of unnecessary drama for two people who haven't even met in person yet. That said, I see nothing wrong or bad about having her come for a visit. Till then, scale back. Keep options open and interaction light. Keep the texting and sex chats down. All that does is build of false intimacy and increases expectations. When the expectations are high, the chance for disappointment when you actually meet is also higher. Right now she is essentially a fantasy. And same for her about you. Nothing is REAL until you actually meet in person. Good luck and keep us posted! I was just coming to post the same thing. I wouldn't tolerate this much drama in a real, offline relationship..let alone for someone I've never met. Not exactly solid footing for a stable relationship. As Katiegirl suggested, step back a bit from the contact and keep your expectations realistic. At the moment, you're both putting too much pressure on the situation. Not only because you haven't met, but also because she is very young. The chances of her wanting to settle down with just one guy in the near future are slim, anyway. You have chosen to get involved with a teenager. You have to expect her to behave accordingly, which she is. Actions speak louder than words. And what are her actions telling you? 1
stillafool Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 OP, why don't you just date the 27 year old? I'm sure she's ready for a relationship by now and certainly more mature. 1
veggirl Posted May 17, 2016 Posted May 17, 2016 All teenagers say they are more mature than their years. Having to "raise herself" likely didn't make her mature, more like gave her issues. 3
Author lakerman34 Posted May 18, 2016 Author Posted May 18, 2016 All teenagers say they are more mature than their years. Having to "raise herself" likely didn't make her mature, more like gave her issues. I mentioned this to her. "If I had a dollar for every time a younger girl told me she was "more mature..." She was pretty adamant though. Time will tell.
Author lakerman34 Posted May 18, 2016 Author Posted May 18, 2016 I'm very weary right now. Today, I even had thoughts of "this is DEFINITELY not the girl for me." Last night, we were on the phone, and for the first time, I just didn't want to talk to her. Not for any specific reason, I was just bored & kind of annoyed. I can't explain it. Might have been because I was tired, but I'm unsure. She texted me a couple times today, I was in no rush to respond. Honestly, I didn't even want to. Yes, I still want to meet her as of now, but IDK, maybe that night put the nail in the coffin.
Versacehottie Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 I'm very weary right now. Today, I even had thoughts of "this is DEFINITELY not the girl for me." Last night, we were on the phone, and for the first time, I just didn't want to talk to her. Not for any specific reason, I was just bored & kind of annoyed. I can't explain it. Might have been because I was tired, but I'm unsure. She texted me a couple times today, I was in no rush to respond. Honestly, I didn't even want to. Yes, I still want to meet her as of now, but IDK, maybe that night put the nail in the coffin. Honestly, maybe you are coming to your senses. I don't mean disrespect but you have been way way way too invested for someone you've never even met. It's like a faux relationship and you haven't even met yet! Even with this latest post, if you are over it. Over what? there is nothing concrete here yet. That has nothing to do with her age or even her telling you she was gonna f*ck some guy. It's just not real but you are acting as if it is and as if all that and then some. I'm sure when you do come to your senses and go back and read this thread you will even think: what was I thinking?!?!?!!! *side note: telling you she was gonna f*ck some guy should also be a dealbreaker. *her age is a non-issue. there are lots of great 19 year olds. just because this one has acted like an idiot, doesn't mean it's her age--maybe it's her character. And maybe unrealistic expectations from both her and OP's end. 2
californiablonde Posted May 18, 2016 Posted May 18, 2016 (edited) Most people have stated it already in one fashion or another but the fact of the matter is that you have not met her yet. Even though you have had in depth/involved phone conversations with pictures or snaps included you are still somewhat anonymous to each other. There is something enticing about being able to be connected with someone and yet still free of the usual responsibilities that accompany such closeness. Part of being in a relationship is have that physical connection (not just sex) of just being in the same space and you have yet to test that out. I think what might make you so into her is that she is still sort of a fantasy partner. Yes you talk to her and know about her but you haven't seen the little annoying quirks or issues that arise in real life. So the illusion you have of her hasn't been shattered by the actual reality of the person. I would say back off until you can get a real feel for the situation when she moves to your city. Who knows things could change and you might lose all interest when you get to see the whole package. I didn't touch the fact that she is 19 because everyone else covered it fairly well. Edited May 18, 2016 by californiablonde misspelling
Author lakerman34 Posted May 19, 2016 Author Posted May 19, 2016 I think it's better to keep distance for now. I sense that, without stating it, she may agree. We still talk, but it's more at night when we are both about to go to bed (not as much constant texting during the day). I don't know if it played a part in it, but she admitted to me that she suffers from depression and has the occasional suicidal thought. She told me that lately, she just feels REALLY sad and some of those thoughts are coming back. Stack that with her flu-like symptoms that she now has, she has been a bit....cranky (so I'm keeping my space -- not because I am not agreeable towards what she's going through, but rather I think it's better for both of us if I do). She said she was going to see her shrink today and didn't. "Whoops." I think a big part of this depression is due to her horrible sleep pattern. I, obviously, won't tell her that though. I'm half-ass looking around for other women. As for dating the 27 year old? I just don't see that lasting much longer as it is. She was supposed to move much closer (from being 1.5 hours away to 10 minutes away), but she just told me she signed a lease for the same city she currently resides in.
Author lakerman34 Posted May 21, 2016 Author Posted May 21, 2016 So, I JUST wrote a thread VERY similar to what you're about to read. Please reference the other thread, if you are interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/581242-i-m-very-upset-her-but-she-has-done-nothing-wrong#post6904741 Anyways, she knows FULL well that I know her Instagram/Twitter account, and occasionally, I check it out (we don't follow each other). She had a video up of her and a guy making out. DAYS after we told each other that we wouldn't tell each other about going-ons with other people (it's just stupid). Now, she does NOT get to make the excuse of "oh, it's my Instagram, it isn't my fault you were on it," because, again, she knows I know it. Second-degree alerting me she's kissing other boys is still telling me. I'm not mad really, just very disappointed. I told her that we are going to talk about this tomorrow. Ultimately, I don't think she can give what I want out of a relationship. I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm constantly correcting behavior. I'm a middle school teacher in an inner-city school, I do that enough as it is already. I'm also going to tell her this during our conversation: "I'm going to start this conversation EXACTLY like I started it last weekend: I'm a grown ass man that knows EXACTLY what I want in a relationship. Do you think I want anything to do with a girl that posts videos of herself on Instagram making out with another guy?" I don't know WHAT she'd have to do to redeem herself from this one, but this may be the double-nail (first instance -- the first nail). Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Maybe she isn't used to guys with backbones?
MidwestUSA Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 She probably hasn't been exposed to guys with backbones, but that's not the problem. She's NINETEEN. Unless she's extremely mature for her age (doesn't appear to be so), she's doing what 19 year olds do. If you're 20, you'd know this, and *maybe* put up with it. If you're older, walk away. Why do this to yourself? 1
Author lakerman34 Posted May 21, 2016 Author Posted May 21, 2016 She probably hasn't been exposed to guys with backbones, but that's not the problem. She's NINETEEN. Unless she's extremely mature for her age (doesn't appear to be so), she's doing what 19 year olds do. If you're 20, you'd know this, and *maybe* put up with it. If you're older, walk away. Why do this to yourself? I'm learning pretty quickly that I've been giving her too much credit. I wish so bad that she didn't act like this. EVERY other aspect is great, it's just she doesn't know how to compose herself when it comes to situations like this. Clearly.
MidwestUSA Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 I'm learning pretty quickly that I've been giving her too much credit. I wish so bad that she didn't act like this. EVERY other aspect is great, it's just she doesn't know how to compose herself when it comes to situations like this. Clearly. Her brain won't mature until around the age of 25, so yes, you pinned too much hope on her. Next.
SammySammy Posted May 21, 2016 Posted May 21, 2016 There is nothing wrong with this girl's brain. She knows exactly what she's doing. And, I'm not so sure OP has a "backbone". If he did, he would have moved on already. 5
Author lakerman34 Posted May 21, 2016 Author Posted May 21, 2016 There is nothing wrong with this girl's brain. She knows exactly what she's doing. And, I'm not so sure OP has a "backbone". If he did, he would have moved on already. Patience is a virtue. I've got a lot of it. She messed up once, I gave her a chance. She messed up twice, I'm not as forgiving. I think this is a VERY mature way to go about things...
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