I'm VERY Upset with Her, but She Has Done NOTHING Wrong ** Updated**

[Lansing]

My guess is she doesn't have any intentions of meeting up with you. Why so hard to meet up?

 

I am glad you deleted her number. I suggest you go a step further and delete all social media you are following her on and not respond to you when she contacts you again. You were getting WAY too caught up in this fantasy when you never even met her!

[spiderowl]

I think the age gap matters here. I don't think that one would expect every 19-year-old woman to want to sleep with every guy they fancy. That might be the case for some but others have different values. But, the age gap matters. You have had experience, you want to be more settled, to be with one person. She is younger, doesn't really know what she wants, is probably confused about the choices, and won't want to commit to anyone who appears to be laying down the law already.

 

I think you need to find someone who has reached the same stage of maturity as you. You may like/love this girl but she's not ready for a long-term commitment. She's still finding herself.

[lakerman34]

My guess is she doesn't have any intentions of meeting up with you. Why so hard to meet up?

 

I am glad you deleted her number. I suggest you go a step further and delete all social media you are following her on and not respond to you when she contacts you again. You were getting WAY too caught up in this fantasy when you never even met her!

 

Eh, read the entire thread.

 

We live a few states apart. She has family in my city, she just finished her first year of college in her city. She's a shift supervisor at a store, she is staying in her city until they hire her replacement & then she has to train them.

 

A lot of obstacles, but she's moving here in July. She REALLY wants to meet up with me. She talks about it quite a lot.

 

Also, we don't follow each other on social media, really. We didn't think that'd be a good idea.

 

We talk in terms of "when we are dating..." In my mind, it's almost definitely going to happen (and I get the STRONG sense she feels the same way). Well, I felt that way up until this setback.

Edited May 15, 2016 by lakerman34

[preraph]

Honestly, you don't know anything about each other if you haven't spent some time face to face. It's all fantasy and imagining what you want her to be.

[TheFinalWord]

You're mad because you already have her elevated to girlfriend/exclusive status in your mind, when she hasn't done anything to deserve it.

 

You're giving her respect she hasn't earned. She's flirting, but she has no commitment to you. All she's really shown you is you aren't going to win her heart online. You've also shown her that you are controlling and getting mad at a girl you've never met, that has no commitment to you, and may just be testing your demeanor. Should have just played her bluff and acted like you didn't care.

 

Unfortunately, you've already built her to GF status mentally, and so now it will feel like cheating. This one is a loss IMHO. We've all had our fair share of buying into the online fantasy once or twice bro. It happens to everyone. It's a lesson most of us have to learn the hard way. Now you know what not to do next time.

Edited May 16, 2016 by TheFinalWord

[lakerman34]

Yeah, a big part of me thinks it's a loss.

 

I think her 19 year old mind is going to take this time of non-communicating to, essentially, search for my replacement. I'm sure in 2 or 3 days there will be another guy who messages her on OKC that she'll take a liking to.

 

I don't think I should expect for her to talk to me at all again. I think this "lets not communicate for a few days" will become "lets not communicate ever again."

 

Shame. It could have really been something, but she couldn't shut off the 19 year old part of her brain.

Edited May 16, 2016 by lakerman34

[Versacehottie]

BUT that's not the point. The point is, the way she spoke to me on the phone prior to the potential hookup, the way she was so nonchalant about me being honest about being uncomfortable about it, and the way she put her own physical pleasures in the moment BEFORE the potential relationship & trust we've built thus far which was really a turn off

 

Yes, I meant to say something about her being very nonchalant about the hookup to you. It's dismissive and a disregard of your feelings, anything you are in the process of building. Obviously, since she is out of state, you are not together and in fact haven't met, she is within her rights to do whatever she wants. But tell you, in advance? Unnecessary, dismissive, or drama due to immaturity. No one needs that much honesty in this context. So one would have to question her motives, short term--to elicit a reaction from you or appear a certain way OR to put you on notice that she does what she wants regardless and puts her whole character in question, in terms of selfishness and narcissism. That's how I see it. It's a turn off and at the bare minimum questionable judgement on her part that gives insight into what the entire relationship would be like. It's that major.

[lakerman34]

Yes, I meant to say something about her being very nonchalant about the hookup to you. It's dismissive and a disregard of your feelings, anything you are in the process of building. Obviously, since she is out of state, you are not together and in fact haven't met, she is within her rights to do whatever she wants. But tell you, in advance? Unnecessary, dismissive, or drama due to immaturity. No one needs that much honesty in this context. So one would have to question her motives, short term--to elicit a reaction from you or appear a certain way OR to put you on notice that she does what she wants regardless and puts her whole character in question, in terms of selfishness and narcissism. That's how I see it. It's a turn off and at the bare minimum questionable judgement on her part that gives insight into what the entire relationship would be like. It's that major.

 

If she and I speak about this again, I'm going to say that the fact that she felt the need to fulfill her physical desires and by that action decided her physical needs outweigh the trust that we've built up to this point makes me believe that if we DO end up in a serious relationship, she'll look elsewhere to fulfill her physical needs when I'm unavailable to fulfill them (i.e. during the week when I work long hours). On top of that, I can honestly see her being dishonest about it now.

 

When I was in college, I became pretty close with the school psychologist. I remember him telling me, though not the rule, ALWAYS assume a girl in her teens is going to cheat.

 

Last night REALLY didn't do her any favors.

Edited May 16, 2016 by lakerman34

[Versacehottie]

If she and I speak about this again, I'm going to say that the fact that she felt the need to fulfill her physical desires and by that action decided her physical needs outweigh the trust that we've built up to this point makes me believe that if we DO end up in a serious relationship if she'll look elsewhere to fulfill her physical needs when I'm unable to fulfill (i.e. during the week when I work long hours). On top of that, I can honestly see her being dishonest about it now.

 

Last night REALLY didn't do her any favors.

 

Well I agree with why it bothers you. What I'm curious about is really WHY would you invest much/any more into this when the handwriting is on the wall? Your investment toward a relationship should be really low. And based on what you've found out and how it doesn't do her any favors, why not just cut it off right now? Sounds like WAY more trouble than it's worth.

[lakerman34]

Well I agree with why it bothers you. What I'm curious about is really WHY would you invest much/any more into this when the handwriting is on the wall? Your investment toward a relationship should be really low. And based on what you've found out and how it doesn't do her any favors, why not just cut it off right now? Sounds like WAY more trouble than it's worth.

 

I mean, not making any excuses for her, but there were some SMALL silver linings. For example, she told me she'd Snapchat me throughout the night, which I think was her way of sort of "comforting" me through my discomfort (though, in reality, I kind of thought it was pretty ****ty). Also, she told me she didn't sleep with anyone (which tells me that she does, at least, somewhat care about my feelings--but doesn't understand that it wasn't the act itself that bothered me, but rather the consequences and ramifications).

 

I think I should give her a shot, press the reset button when we ACTUALLY meet, but when push comes to shove, there are a LOT of "tests" she is going to have to pass if we are going to be an item. I don't think your standard 19 year old can pass them, so she is REALLY going to have to prove to me that she isn't a typical, wrapped up in her physical desires 19 year old girl.

 

Also, worth noting, she did look at my Snapchat message an hour ago, hasn't (and probably won't) responded. Unless she's working (which I don't think she is), she's usually VERY quick with response turnaround time.

Edited May 16, 2016 by lakerman34

[Versacehottie]

I mean, not making any excuses for her, but there were some SMALL silver linings. For example, she told me she'd Snapchat me throughout the night, which I think was her way of sort of "comforting" me through my discomfort (though, in reality, I kind of thought it was pretty ****ty). Also, she told me she didn't sleep with anyone (which tells me that she does, at least, somewhat care about my feelings--but doesn't understand that it wasn't the act itself that bothered me, but rather the consequences and ramifications).

 

I think I should give her a shot, press the reset button when we ACTUALLY meet, but when push comes to shove, there are a LOT of "tests" she is going to have to pass if we are going to be an item. I don't think your standard 19 year old can pass them, so she is REALLY going to have to prove to me that she isn't a typical, wrapped up in her physical desires 19 year old girl.

 

Also, worth noting, she did look at my Snapchat message an hour ago, hasn't (and probably won't) responded. Unless she's working (which I don't think she is), she's usually VERY quick with response turnaround time.

 

That sounds like a power struggle and she is trying to assert hers. I'm not optimistic but yeah sometimes a person just needs to see what will happen for themselves. It's good that you let her know your feelings so maybe that will balance things out a bit more. Good luck

[CarrieT]

You are asking someone you have NEVER MET IN PERSON to be faithful until you do actually meet?

 

Silly....

[lakerman34]

You are asking someone you have NEVER MET IN PERSON to be faithful until you do actually meet?

 

Silly....

 

It was stupid, I do admit that.

 

BUT still, she could have handled it VERY, VERY differently.

 

1. She could have agreed, which is best case scenario. She would have won MEGA points from me.

2. She could have said, "look. We haven't even met yet. Lets not put any restrictions on each other right now, it's just not a good idea."

 

Both of those would have been acceptable answers. Instead, she went with:

 

3. I wanna **** this guy, then afterwards, yeah maybe.

[bathtub-row]

You don't even know this girl but you're trying to control her. If I were her, this would seriously annoy me. Aside from that, she is too young to get so seriously involved with anyone.

[lakerman34]

You don't even know this girl but you're trying to control her. If I were her, this would seriously annoy me. Aside from that, she is too young to get so seriously involved with anyone.

 

Like I told her, it doesn't bother me a whole lot that she had sex (i.e. not controlling her--also she didn't have sex), but rather the fact that she completely dismissed my feelings and didn't exactly handle herself well in this situation.

 

I was looking for her to respond to the situation like a woman, she responded like a girl.

 

She tells me that she is "much more mature than girls her age" and that she wants to date an older guy, and I keep telling her that her being 19 does make me nervous (which she seems to try and comfort me each time). This is the first time she acted 19. Is there any coming back from this blunder? I honestly don't know.

[BlueIris]

It was stupid, I do admit that.

 

BUT still, she could have handled it VERY, VERY differently.

 

1. She could have agreed, which is best case scenario. She would have won MEGA points from me.

2. She could have said, "look. We haven't even met yet. Lets not put any restrictions on each other right now, it's just not a good idea."

 

Both of those would have been acceptable answers. Instead, she went with:

 

3. I wanna **** this guy, then afterwards, yeah maybe.

 

You’ve been ****ing other women and you were sex-talking hot and heavy with her so don’t claim the moral high ground or superior values just because you want her to be exclusive on the eve of going out with someone she’d already accepted an invitation from.

 

She said no. Move on. And don’t try to make her beg and apologize. And don't put her down for being 19. She didn't cheat on you. She just hurt your feelings because she decided not to be exclusive with someone she's never mt.

 

When I was in college, I became pretty close with the school psychologist. I remember him telling me, though not the rule, ALWAYS assume a girl in her teens is going to cheat.

 

Please write to the school to inform them that their employee is telling boys that the girls are probably cheaters, liars. Please do that. He should not be working there.

[lakerman34]

You’ve been ****ing other women and you were sex-talking hot and heavy with her so don’t claim the moral high ground or superior values just because you want her to be exclusive on the eve of going out with someone she’d already accepted an invitation from.

 

She said no. Move on. And don’t try to make her beg and apologize. And don't put her down for being 19. She didn't cheat on you. She just hurt your feelings because she decided not to be exclusive with someone she's never mt.

 

 

 

Please write to the school to inform them that their employee is telling boys that the girls are probably cheaters, liars. Please do that. He should not be working there.

 

It was something I spoke about 2 weeks ago. She had this evening premeditated for 2 weeks.

 

Ummm......he's a psychologist. ??? Very confused by that last bit.

[VampireChester]

I think you're a little insane for asking a 19 year old whom you never met to vow being each others next in July. How controlling does that sound to you? The next time you decide to give a woman an ultimatum like that ask yourself this. Does this make me sound like an important guy with lots of options or a desperate frustrated individual? Jesus Christ.

[BlueIris]

It was something I spoke about 2 weeks ago. She had this evening premeditated for 2 weeks.

 

Ummm......he's a psychologist. ??? Very confused by that last bit.

 

"premeditated"? You mean she has plans with someone for 2 weeks? Horrible!!!

 

You said he was the "school psychologist." Therefore, he works for the school. I've paid tuition to 2 colleges and there is no way I'd want to be paying tuition to an organization that had employees telling boys that they should assume that girls- my daughters- are liars and cheaters.

[lakerman34]

I think you're a little insane for asking a 19 year old whom you never met to vow being each others next in July. How controlling does that sound to you? The next time you decide to give a woman an ultimatum like that ask yourself this. Does this make me sound like an important guy with lots of options or a desperate frustrated individual? Jesus Christ.

 

Here they come. The "judgmental, value-obsessed posters."

 

Look. It was a suggestion. The way she RESPONDED to it is why I am upset. I'm not some unreasonable, controlling, narcissistic guy that told her "you are NOT allowed to have sex again until you have sex with me." What I DID tell her was, "the sexual tension is very high between us, it'd be cool if we didn't sleep with anyone else" RIGHT AFTER her hookup buddy moved away.

 

There were many ways she could have responded better to this.

[lakerman34]

"premeditated"? You mean she has plans with someone for 2 weeks? Horrible!!!

 

You said he was the "school psychologist." Therefore, he works for the school. I've paid tuition to 2 colleges and there is no way I'd want to be paying tuition to an organization that had employees telling boys that they should assume that girls- my daughters- are liars and cheaters.

 

Then you should ask your schools for money back. It's kind of the job of a psychologist to discuss psychology -- not to mention it was a 1-on-1 session. I think he understands the human psyche better than you and I.

 

I went to see him after the relationship, which lasted a year, went to ****. I told him that I'm fairly certain she was cheating on me, his response was, "she just turned 19. If you feel she was cheating on you, she probably was. Most girls at that age are a mess developmentally."

[mrldii]

...I told him that I'm fairly certain she was cheating on me, his response was, "she just turned 19. If you feel she was cheating on you, she probably was. Most girls at that age are a mess developmentally."

 

 

And yet, any psychologist who's finished Psych 101 while getting their degree knows that it's universally accepted that females mature quicker than males...even their brains do.

 

"...scientists have discovered for the first time that their brains can develop up to ten years earlier than boys."

 

Girls really do mature quicker than boys, scientists find - Telegraph

 

 

 

I agree with blueiris' observation; it IS rather odd that a school psychiatrist would deliberately plant the seeds to grow a new generation of misandrists, especially at the secondary-education level...even if it was just one-on-one. More so since there's no academic basis for such a gender-specific pronouncement.

[lakerman34]

And yet, any psychologist who's finished Psych 101 while getting their degree knows that it's universally accepted that females mature quicker than males...even their brains do.

 

"...scientists have discovered for the first time that their brains can develop up to ten years earlier than boys."

 

Girls really do mature quicker than boys, scientists find - Telegraph

 

 

 

I agree with blueiris' observation; it IS rather odd that a school psychiatrist would deliberately plant the seeds to grow a new generation of misandrists, especially at the secondary-education level...even if it was just one-on-one. More so since there's no academic basis for such a gender-specific pronouncement.

 

He has his own private practice, his MD from UPenn. He wasn't your standard school counselor.

 

Women do mature quicker than men, that's common knowledge. But, at 19, they aren't all grown up yet.

 

Actually, he'd probably say these 19 year olds are looking at older men because guys between 18-22 aren't emotionally mature enough for them. Still, any college senior guy can tell you that a girl just entering college are usually "easier pickings."

 

Not to mention, he was comparing her at 19 to me at 22, and I was a VERY mature 22 (he told me that I'd be better off being with a 25 year old who was only 80% invested than 19 year old who was 100% invested -- something that stuck with me to this day).

 

Now, at 25, a 19 year old has to be an EXTREMELY mature 19 for me to consider. Up until last night, she was showing me she could possibly be that (she has very refined interests, we both want to open our own non-profit, she's full time student & worker, lives & pays rent on her own).

Edited May 16, 2016 by lakerman34

[mrldii]

...Still, any college senior guy can tell you that a girl just entering college are usually "easier pickings."

 

 

But you're NOT a "college senior guy". So why are you attracted to a 19-year-old girl (who hasn't even had her first legal alcoholic beverage...or been in a bar, yet) on one hand,

 

and then put her down [a lot] for being a 19-year-old girl on the other hand.

 

 

She has an excuse: she's young and trying things out. What's your excuse...especially since you've indicated to us (and her) that you are ready for a serious, settled-down relationship? If so, why'd you pick one who - according to someone whose opinion you respect - isn't all-the-way baked, yet?

 

It reads like you've got the heavy soul-searching to do...NOT her.

[BlueIris]

This

 

I went to see him after the relationship, which lasted a year, went to ****. I told him that I'm fairly certain she was cheating on me, his response was, "… If you feel she was cheating on you, she probably was…”

 

is a bit different from this, especially from a professional to a teenage boy about teenage girls:

 

she just turned 19. … Most girls at that age are a mess developmentally."

 

I remember him telling me, though not the rule, ALWAYS assume a girl in her teens is going to cheat.

 

I understand that you’re hurt and I’m sorry for that.

 

If you don't trust her and believe that 19 year olds are developmental messes that you should assume will cheat, be the mature one and let it go and go NC. Move on to more mature women.

 

Judging from your thread about the 27 year old, you've been jealous before when a woman that you're not exclusive with spends time with other men, even when you're having sex with other women. Maybe it isn't a trust issue but a communication issue and willingness to commit yourself.

Edited May 16, 2016 by BlueIris