I'm VERY Upset with Her, but She Has Done NOTHING Wrong ** Updated**

[lakerman34]

Now, before I share this story, I just want to say this:

 

In past threads I've created, I've received a lot of great help, but there are always a few posters that come in, pass judgments, spread their own personal values, and it's very unhelpful and rather annoying. I rather those posters move on and don't respond.

 

I've been seeing a few girls lately, some come in and out of my life, but 2 are pretty consistent. One's a 27 gorgeous mixed girl (I've written about her in previous threads), and the other is a 19 year old Mexican girl.

 

Now, the thing with the Mexican girl is this: we've been talking on the phone (many nights 3+ hours) and texting a LOT. We even sent "photos." HOWEVER, we met on OKC (92% compatibility), and haven't met officially (she's moving to my city in July).

 

There is a sort of attachment that is growing though. She CLEARLY likes me, and I like her.

 

Anyways, she was hooking up with a guy she referred to as "math guy." I was with my women. We knew about each other's other "people." Math guy graduated, moved away.

 

I proposed that she and I should vow that we would "be each other's next" and not sleep with anyone else.

 

Her response bothered me, a lot: "Well that's fine, but after next (which is now this) weekend. This guy I find attractive is inviting me to a party and I kind of want to do something with him. I don't know."

 

She immediately apologized for telling me. I told her "ugh. So I get one in the pocket, that's only fair."

 

She agreed.

 

Now, during the day yesterday I reiterated my disapproval, but she REALLY didn't care. She basically said, "I'm going to have fun tonight with this guy, and you are just going to have to deal with it." I actually know WHEN they were having sex because her friend started snapping me with her phone between 2:30 and 3:30 AM.

 

Annnnnyways, this whole situation rubs me the WRONG way. I understand, she technically hasn't done anything wrong, but I see it as her preferring to please her physical pleasures in the moment than keep a moment with a future long-term potential guy holy (i.e. I feel as if this action has REALLY moved us backwards in terms of trust).

 

As a result, I've made plans with the other girl next weekend. I like the other girl, and I didn't make plans "out of spite," but I was ready to drop her for 19 year old, who I feel EXTREMELY connected to until last night.

 

Am I wrong for thinking this?

Edited May 15, 2016 by lakerman34

[kidm]

You're a mid 20s guy wanting a teenager not be a teenager. Good luck with that.

Edited May 15, 2016 by kidm
typo

[lakerman34]

You're a mid 20s guy wanting a teenager not be a teenager. Good luck with that.

 

Up to this point, she hasn't really shown that she's "just a teenager," but yes, I've told her many times that her being 19 years old is my biggest fear.

 

She insists that she wants to, potentially, have something meaningful with me. I told her I'm looking for the girl I may potentially marry, and she said she could be that girl. She doesn't talk to me like a girl who "just wants to have fun." Everything was fine up until last night.

[mrldii]

You proposed an agreement; she did not agree to the agreement and told you so.

 

Ergo, there is no agreement.

 

 

You - and she - are not doing anything "wrong"; neither of you is in an exclusive arrangement at this time.

 

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP.

[lakerman34]

You proposed an agreement; she did not agree to the agreement and told you so.

 

Ergo, there is no agreement.

 

 

You - and she - are not doing anything "wrong"; neither of you is in an exclusive arrangement at this time.

 

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP.

 

I'm trying to convince myself of this SO badly, but call it my ego, down the line I fear I'm always going to remember, "there was a time that a one night stand mattered to you more than the potential of something deep and meaningful. That guy, knowingly or unknowingly, kind of always has that 'I've slept with your girl when you were trying to court her' thing over my head."

 

Maybe, it'll become irrelevant.

 

I don't know.

I don't like that.

[lilmissjava]

Who even tells a guy they are romantically interested in that she is going to sleep with some other guy she is interested in?

 

You don't even know how the both of you are in person. Why waste that kind of time?

 

Words are just words until you actually meet.

[hunk]

She's 19 years old. She is going to **** anyone she finds attractive - she does not care about nor want a serious long term relationship with you. She wants fun with attractive men who are immediately available to her. She will not "wait" for you, nor does she see your relationship as being something "holy". She is a child and she wants to have sex with people she is attracted to. She is not a potential LTR she is a young girl who will emotional sap you, cheat on you, and make your life miserable because all she cares about at this point in her life is sex with exciting detached men.

 

This isn't personal projection - it's reality. Hook up when she comes to your city, that's it. She's not good for anything else.

[Letmeknow]

You have to realize this girl is 19 and she has no idea what she wants yet and she's probably still trying to figure herself out. I'm sure y'all connect on a deep level which is great, but you're way more mature than her and you actually know what you want from this maybe "soon to be relationship."

 

It seems as if you're already frustrated with the situation and that spells future problems written all over it. She's gonna continue to do her, it's honestly up to you if you want to put up with it.

[lakerman34]

Who even tells a guy they are romantically interested in that she is going to sleep with some other guy she is interested in?

 

You don't even know how the both of you are in person. Why waste that kind of time?

 

Words are just words until you actually meet.

 

Yeah, she took it back and regretted it. Her regret was genuine.

 

She also essentially told me to go sleep with another girl, have fun.

 

I think my first action step is taking a step back. I'm going to go easy on the talking to her.

[lakerman34]

She's 19 years old. She is going to **** anyone she finds attractive - she does not care about nor want a serious long term relationship with you. She wants fun with attractive men who are immediately available to her. She will not "wait" for you, nor does she see your relationship as being something "holy". She is a child and she wants to have sex with people she is attracted to. She is not a potential LTR she is a young girl who will emotional sap you, cheat on you, and make your life miserable because all she cares about at this point in her life is sex with exciting detached men.

 

This isn't personal projection - it's reality. Hook up when she comes to your city, that's it. She's not good for anything else.

 

Based on our conversations, I DO think she likes having sex with attractive men, but I also DO think she'd be loyal in a relationship and does want one with me (she talks about our relationship A LOT, and about possibilities of what lies ahead for us -- something I find only SERIOUS girls talk about).

 

But at this point, my best friend tells me to see her only as a "potential long-term hookup." I think that's what I'm going to do.

[katiegrl]

Up to this point, she hasn't really shown that she's "just a teenager," but yes, I've told her many times that her being 19 years old is my biggest fear.

 

She insists that she wants to, potentially, have something meaningful with me. I told her I'm looking for the girl I may potentially marry, and she said she could be that girl. She doesn't talk to me like a girl who "just wants to have fun." Everything was fine up until last night.

 

All that is great, but until you actually meet in person and become exclusive, you are both free to date/have sex with whomever you want.

 

Proposing an agreement of sexual exclusivity *before* meeting in person, which will not be until July, was premature and a recipe for disaster IMO.

 

You sound possessive, and again jmo but if you don't lighten up a bit, you are gonna lose this girl.

 

Slow down, no exclusive agreement just yet, continue getting to know each other until you meet in person.

 

Decide after that what you both want.

 

Best of luck!

[lakerman34]

All that is great, but until you actually meet in person and become exclusive, you are both free to date/have sex with whomever you want.

 

Proposing an agreement of sexual exclusivity *before* meeting in person, which will not be until July, was premature and a recipe for disaster IMO.

 

You sound possessive, and again jmo but if you don't lighten up a bit, you are gonna lose this girl.

 

Slow down, no exclusive agreement just yet, continue getting to know each other until you meet in person.

 

Decide after that what you both want.

 

Best of luck!

 

You're right.

 

Still though, this sexual escapade is going to be in my thoughts when that time comes around to decide whether she's relationship-worthy or not. I just know it. I tend not to forget these things.

[lakerman34]

So, action steps:

1. Going to ease up on talking to her at all -- we talk A LOT, and I think that may be adding some pressure on to whatever it she and I might become

 

2. If she brings it up, I'm going to sweep it under the rug. "Ummm.......we aren't exclusive. You can do whatever the hell you want, whoever the hell you want. Yes, I have thoughts about it, but I'm also reasonable."

[katiegrl]

You're right.

 

Still though, this sexual escapade is going to be in my thoughts when that time comes around to decide whether she's relationship-worthy or not. I just know it. I tend not to forget these things.

 

I'm with ya there, and just me, but this entire situation sounds a bit off and would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

Exclusive or not, announcing you are gonna have sex with another guy, having sex with him, regretting, then telling you you can have sex with another girl, so you're even, WTF!

 

Huge red flag, dealbreaker!

 

Just me though.

[lakerman34]

I'm with ya there, and just me, but this entire situation sounds a bit off and would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

Exclusive or not, announcing you are gonna have sex with another guy, having sex with him, regretting, then telling you you can have sex with another girl, so you're even, WTF!

 

Huge red flag, dealbreaker!

 

Just me though.

 

We talk sexually. A lot.

 

She told me since her old guy left, she has been feeling extra horny. She called it "fulfilling her physical desire."

 

Part of the reason is thinking sex like water. You're thirsty, you HAVE to do something about it. I don't know if I like her mentality on sex, doesn't jive well with me.

 

I was the one that told her that it'd be unfair if we started the "no sex" deal AFTER she slept with this guy. I told her I would get to sleep with who I want. She didn't necessarily LIKE this, but she realized it was fair.

 

It was my own stupidity for bringing up this idea. Tension between us is SO high that I thought "hey, lets not relieve that tension until we meet." It was just overall a bad idea.

 

She regretted telling me about the guy, NOT the act itself.

 

Funny thing is, when she was hooking up with this guy she calls "math guy," it did bother me a LITTLE, but I do realize I was doing the same thing, so I wasn't NEARLY as upset as I am now.

 

But yes, I do see the whole thing as maturity. I'm LOOKING for a reason to point to that says, "yep. She's 19, and she acts it too." This is the first thing she has done thus far that shows her 19 year old immaturity.

Edited May 15, 2016 by lakerman34

[preraph]

Look, no 19 year old is about to shut it all down to be with you, who I assume is a bit older. A 19 year old is just now sprouting wings and they gotta fly.

[lakerman34]

Look, no 19 year old is about to shut it all down to be with you, who I assume is a bit older. A 19 year old is just now sprouting wings and they gotta fly.

 

I told her that too.

 

She insists that she's ready for 1 guy, and she's very fine with the idea that I want my next relationship to also be my last one.

 

She goes to school full-time AND manages to work full time on top of that. She's very responsible, it seems.

 

She told me she's looking for an older guy outside of college so that her life can be school, work, friends, her man.

 

Someone said "everything is words up until we meet." I like this. I'm taking everything with a grain of salt.

[lakerman34]

Considering she was up so late last night, she isn't awake yet. I'll keep this thread updated with our conversations in regards to last night.

 

I'm going to, ultimately, tell her that it's her life, she can do what she wants and who she wants, but I WILL tell her that last night definitely didn't win her any favors with me--may even go so far as tell her it was very unwise of her considering she's trying to EARN my trust, not LOSE it.

[Versacehottie]

Considering she was up so late last night, she isn't awake yet. I'll keep this thread updated with our conversations in regards to last night.

 

I'm going to, ultimately, tell her that it's her life, she can do what she wants and who she wants, but I WILL tell her that last night definitely didn't win her any favors with me--may even go so far as tell her it was very unwise of her considering she's trying to EARN my trust, not LOSE it.

 

Well, yeah sure nothing "wrong" has been done. Like mriii said you essentially don't have an agreed upon agreement, which I imagine you understand. I think you are upset because you realize your values don't jive with each others. And however, are torn between wanting to proceed with her from your previous built connection which is at odds with how you currently feel about her actions. Her current actions, honestly, would generate distrust--because when someone tells you to your face that any connection you guys have is outweighed by her needs, any "future" is on shaky grounds. The faux agreement is just need for reassurance, game-playing sooooooo it means next to nothing. Also there is the big red flag that you have never met in person. I think this one deserves a pass.

[dreamingoftigers]

You're right.

 

Still though, this sexual escapade is going to be in my thoughts when that time comes around to decide whether she's relationship-worthy or not. I just know it. I tend not to forget these things.

 

Then don't pursue.

 

People get tainted really easily to me too.

[katiegrl]

Then don't pursue.

 

People get tainted really easily to me too.

 

Agree, choose wisely from the get go avoid big problems later.

[ExpatInItaly]

Until you meet in person and date, don't place any restrictions on each other or yourselves. It's just not realistic, especially considering how young she is.

 

Wait and see how well you mesh together when you're in the same city.

[elaine567]

You have chosen to get emotionally involved with a 19 yo girl who has the same "liberal" attitude to relationships and sex that you do, only this time you want it all to be "exclusive" and above board, and for her to change her spots and act like a good little girl for you and only you...

No chance.

Sorry!

[Buddhist]

She's 19, you should take into account commitment isn't on her agenda at this stage. You feel how you feel, but you may be expecting something from her she's not prepared to give.

[lakerman34]

Well, yeah sure nothing "wrong" has been done. Like mriii said you essentially don't have an agreed upon agreement, which I imagine you understand. I think you are upset because you realize your values don't jive with each others. And however, are torn between wanting to proceed with her from your previous built connection which is at odds with how you currently feel about her actions. Her current actions, honestly, would generate distrust--because when someone tells you to your face that any connection you guys have is outweighed by her needs, any "future" is on shaky grounds. The faux agreement is just need for reassurance, game-playing sooooooo it means next to nothing. Also there is the big red flag that you have never met in person. I think this one deserves a pass.

 

This post shows a lot of understanding. I appreciate it. It's exactly how I feel about the situation.

 

Anyways, she woke up late (around 3PM), and messaged me a "Good morning!" Naturally, I wanted to respond, but I'm clearly not happy. I was pretty short with "sup" and other 1-word answers. Finally, she mentioned that she could tell I was annoyed.

 

I explained to her about last night. She assured me that she didn't sleep with anyone, which I believe, BUT that's not the point. The point is, the way she spoke to me on the phone prior to the potential hookup, the way she was so nonchalant about me being honest about being uncomfortable about it, and the way she put her own physical pleasures in the moment BEFORE the potential relationship & trust we've built thus far which was really a turn off (and I was VERY honest with her in the past with having issues with trust, and that I won't ever be "all in" until a girl SHOWS me that she is deserving of ALL my trust).

 

I was honest with her. I told her that I am 25 and know what I want. Up to this point, she has been great, but last night she acted like a 19 year old, which I could NEVER blame her for, but might not be what I'm looking for right now. I told her that our values are misaligned.

 

She seems to want to fix it up. "This may seem broken right now, but I think we can fix it."

 

She decided that we shouldn't speak for a couple of days because we are moving too quickly and we haven't really met.

 

I told her that might be a good idea. I told her she could text me when she was ready.

 

I deleted her number.

 

I sent her one last snap message after the fact. "When you are ready to text me, I think we REALLY need to talk about where we both are and what we both want, because I know what I want in a relationship. I need to know that you do too and we are on the same page. Again, I'm not mad at you, but I'm just disappointed in how last night unraveled." (heavily paraphrased)