Guy intentionally calling me wrong name?

[mbee]

I met a guy earlier this week at a pub who seemed normal, nice and really friendly. No red flags and we chatted for much of the night and we were pretty sober. He asked me out on a date and I gave him my number.

 

We were texting a bit and then he asked me if he could call me by a common nickname. This isn't my name but let's say my name was Jessica and he asked if he could call me Jess.

 

I replied with a very friendly response saying that i'd prefer to be called by my proper name and not by Jess. He responds by saying, "Goodnight <nickname or Jess>" then one minute later says "I'm an idiot, goodnight <insert completely different but variation of my name>" For instance, if my name was Jessica, he used a similar but different name such as Jennifer.

 

I'm honestly really weirded out... and pretty annoyed by this. Even if he's trying to be funny, we don't know each other at all and I feel like I wasted my time with this dude. I didn't respond to his text and don't intend to. What should I do when he replies following up on a date? This comes off as a red flag to me.

[Arieswoman]

The guy is an immature idiot who is just fooling around.

 

Find a mature man to date.

[katiegrl]

mbee, what's the red flag?

 

I'm not seeing it.

 

What I do see is a woman (you), being turned off by something he said that was meant to be a joke.

 

It was a bad joke, and silly, and if it turns you off, that's fine, don't go out with him again .... you don't need to call every dumb thing a guy does a red flag to justify that.

 

It was just a stupid joke.

 

Another woman may have thought it was hilarious!

 

Now if you were in bed together and he called you a different woman's name, THAT is a red flag!

Edited May 15, 2016 by katiegrl

[mrldii]

mbee, what's the red flag?

 

I'm not seeing it.

 

What I do see is a woman (you), being turned off by something he said that was meant to be a joke.

 

It was a bad joke, and silly, and if it turns you off, that's fine, don't go out with him again .... you don't need to call every dumb thing a guy does a red flag to justify that.

 

It was just a stupid joke.

 

Another woman may have thought it was hilarious!

 

It's a stupid joke that he keeps repeating, after she's told him she doesn't like it.

 

A person who keeps doing something after another has asked them not to, is not joking; they're testing and establishing where boundaries will be based on their criteria.

 

 

Personally, I wouldn't see him again. He's already shown me who/how he is; I'd believe him.

[deadparrot]

I mean, it's possible that he genuinely misunderstood (some things get lost in translation in text and it's hard to communicate exactly what you mean). But if he is purposely calling you the wrong name after you've corrected him, that's annoying (at least, I'd be annoyed, too).

 

I'd just say something like "Hey, just wanted to reiterate. My name is Jessica, which is what I prefer to be called by. Thanks!"

 

If he keeps it up, yeah, that's pretty disrespectful--at the very least, your senses of humor aren't meshing, which doesn't bode well for a potential relationship.

[katiegrl]

It's a stupid joke that he keeps repeating, after she's told him she doesn't like it.

 

A person who keeps doing something after another has asked them not to, is not joking; they're testing and establishing where boundaries will be based on their criteria.

 

 

Personally, I wouldn't see him again. He's already shown me who/how he is; I'd believe him.

 

I agree but they had just met, one date, were texting afterwards when it happened.

 

So from what I read it was the *first* time.

 

Not a repeated behavior after she told him to stop .... unless I'm missing something.

 

But yeah if it happened again AFTER she told him she didn't like it, 100% agree with you, testing boundaries, red flag!

[Arieswoman]

I agree with mrldii post #4,

 

The OP was quite clear how she wanted to be addressed in her first post, here;.

 

I replied with a very friendly response saying that i'd prefer to be called by my proper name and not by Jess

 

This guy is just pushing boundaries before they have even got past first base - next !!

[katiegrl]

The testing boundaries thing, I can see that actually, disguised as a *joke*.

 

I can also see it as him attempting to banter with her a bit too.

 

Like trying to get her a bit fired up and playfight type of thing. Silly and immature yes, but not intentionally malicious.

 

Bantering can also be a way to test boundaries though too.

 

Just trying to see both sides, they had ONE date.

 

She doesn't know him and neither do we.

 

JMO.

[mrldii]

I agree but they had just met, one date, were texting afterwards when it happened.

 

So from what I read it was the *first* time.

 

Not a repeated behavior after she told him to stop .... unless I'm missing something.

 

But yeah if it happened again AFTER she told him she didn't like it, 100% agree with you, testing boundaries, red flag!

 

Either you're missing something or I read something that wasn't there; happens a LOT on LS - that I read a completely different OP than what others get to see.

 

 

The OP I read said (paraphrase) that he asked if he could call her "Jess" instead of "Jessica"; she said she preferred "Jessica". He then said, "OK, Jess...oooops, sorry...I meant to say, 'OK, Jennifer.'"

 

NOT funny; deliberate and obtuse...and signs of a control freak. And, according to the OP I read, this did NOT happen on a "first date", it happened after a "first meet".

 

 

People are typically on the best behavior we'll ever see from them, at a first encounter. They're typically on their 2nd-best behavior on a first date; they haven't even had their first date, yet.

 

 

THAT'S what I saw...and THAT'S what led to my assessment of the situation. In any event, I stand by my original post: personally, I wouldn't see him again.

[Haydn]

Sounds like a bloke attempting to be funny and failing quite miserably.

 

You can all call me Susan from now on.

[lilmissjava]

Hey, trust your instinct.

 

If the guy sounds like a cad, he probably is.

 

I would think the (lame) jokes come later and emphasis should be on politeness in the early stages with the establishment of likeable personality traits.

[katiegrl]

Either you're missing something or I read something that wasn't there; happens a LOT on LS - that I read a completely different OP than what others get to see.

 

 

The OP I read said (paraphrase) that he asked if he could call her "Jess" instead of "Jessica"; she said she preferred "Jessica". He then said, "OK, Jess...oooops, sorry...I meant to say, 'OK, Jennifer.'"

 

NOT funny; deliberate and obtuse...and signs of a control freak. And, according to the OP I read, this did NOT happen on a "first date", it happened after a "first meet".

 

 

People are typically on the best behavior we'll ever see from them, at a first encounter. They're typically on their 2nd-best behavior on a first date; they haven't even had their first date, yet.

 

 

THAT'S what I saw...and THAT'S what led to my assessment of the situation. In any event, I stand by my original post: personally, I wouldn't see him again.

 

I am not disagreeing with your interpretation/ assessment mrldii.... so no need to become defensive about it.

 

In fact, I said I understood it (your interpretation/assessment) and that he was, or could have been, testing boundaries disguised as a dumb joke.

 

That is how I see it.

 

I just hesitate to assign other negative qualities to him at this point, like he is controlling or whatevs.

 

I would need more info than this one incident after a first date, to determine that.

 

But the testing boundaries thing? Yeah I can see that.

Edited May 15, 2016 by katiegrl

[mrldii]

I am not disagreeing with your interpretation/ assessment mrldii.... so no need to become defensive about it.

 

In fact, I said I understood it (your interpretation/assessment) and that he was, or could have been, testing boundaries disguised as a dumb joke.

 

That is how I see it.

 

I just hesitate to assign other negative qualities to him at this point, like he is controlling or whatevs.

 

I would need more info than this one incident after a first date, to determine that.

 

But the testing boundaries thing? Yeah I can see that.

 

No need to do that...making it something it's not; I am not getting "defensive"...I am simply stating MY opinion - just like everyone else is - and just like the OP asked us to.

 

The only difference from my posts in which I've stated MY opinion and everyone else's where they've stated their opinions - is that I've provided the breakdown in how I arrived at MY opinion.

 

 

That is called "rationalization", NOT your preferred "defensive[ness]".

 

 

 

Oh, and again, because for some *odd* reason LS shows me different original posts than what other members see, in the OP I'm allowed to see, this was an exchange after a "random first meet in a bar where telephone numbers were exchanged"

 

NOT an exchange after the "first date" which occurred in the OP you're reading.

 

 

 

Again and still, OP, I would be very put off by his behavior, too, and would not give blocking him/deleting his number without an explanation to him or anyone else, a second thought.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[katiegrl]

No need to do that...making it something it's not; I am not getting "defensive"...I am simply stating MY opinion - just like everyone else is - and just like the OP asked us to.

 

The only difference from my posts in which I've stated MY opinion and everyone else's where they've stated their opinions - is that I've provided the breakdown in how I arrived at MY opinion.

 

 

That is called "rationalization", NOT your preferred "defensive[ness]".

 

 

 

Oh, and again, because for some *odd* reason LS shows me different original posts than what other members see, in the OP I'm allowed to see, this was an exchange after a "random first meet in a bar where telephone numbers were exchanged"

 

NOT an exchange after the "first date" which occurred in the OP you're reading.

 

 

 

Again and still, OP, I would be very put off by his behavior, too, and would not give blocking him/deleting his number without an explanation to him or anyone else, a second thought.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

 

Defensive = defending/rationalizing your opinion, against what you deem a *different* opinion. Or protecting your opinion from an accusation.

 

Nothing wrong with that at all, I work in law, that is our job, defending our clients' positions. We do it every day.

 

Problem here is I am NOT disagreeing with your opinion, we essentially agree!

 

At least with respect to testing boundaries.....

 

So it's all cool mrldii and for the record, I probably would not go out with him again either!

Edited May 15, 2016 by katiegrl

[elaine567]

I think there are a few ways of looking at it.

 

• Getting a person's name wrong can be an effective way of taking them down a peg, so it may indeed be a form of negging.
  
• It may just be a "joke", he maybe has a thing about calling people different names, people he knows may find it funny so he was just harmlessly trying to be amusing.
  
• He maybe thought he was being friendly ie using the shortened version as as a way of ingratiating himself and becoming more familiar, but when turned down, he was embarrassed and covered it up with the wrong name altogether as an attempt at humour.
  
• Or he was indeed just testing boundaries as to how far he could push it.
  

If we change gender and assume both are male, it doesn't really sound at all good, its cheeky and there is a lack of respect there, I guess that is how the OP felt - disrespected.

 

Hi James, can I call you Jimmy?

No, my name is James.

OK John...

[iphone_user1]

LOL I think he was trying to joke around, but it got backfired on him.

[jen1447]

It's a stupid joke that he keeps repeating, after she's told him she doesn't like it.

 

A person who keeps doing something after another has asked them not to, is not joking; they're testing and establishing where boundaries will be based on their criteria.

 

 

Personally, I wouldn't see him again. He's already shown me who/how he is; I'd believe him.

 

I agree but I'd give it another shot w/a no-nonsense warning like "quit with the nickname s**t" with no smiles attached, in person or text. If he pushes/neggs/boundary-tests/passively-aggressifies/whatever after that, done. If not, he either got the message or it was a mistake to begin with.

[mbee]

Thanks for everyone's response on this so far! Very helpful.

 

To clarify this happened at a first meeting. I never knew this guy before, we didn't meet online. We met randomly at a bar and talked for several hours. We both only had a couple of drinks hence why I mentioned we were both pretty sober.

 

I gave him my number and he texted me last night about how my weekend was going.

 

He politely asked me if he could call me "Jess." This wasn't a joke. He said. Hi Jessica (Jess?).

 

I respondend and said I'd prefer to be called Jessica as I don't like Jess.

 

He responded with, "You definitely don't like to be called Jess?"

 

And I said, "Yes, definitely not, )

 

After that text, he said, "Goodnight Jess." "I'm an idiot boy, goodnight Jennifer"

 

We have not even been on a real date yet so that kind of banter seems a bit too familiar. We did talk for a few hours so he said a couple of things that weren't red flags in my opinion but kind of weird which makes me think that either his sense of humor is totally off or he's kind of a jerk.

 

1. He knows I do comedy as a hobby and he asked if I was funny multiple times since he couldn't believe it. Since I do comedy, I didn't take offense by this or take this comment seriously but thinking about it retrospectively he could have been being a jerk about it.

 

2. I'm 1/4 black. I'm mixed with a whole bunch of stuff and this guy is White. He kept saying I was part African. I corrected him and he kept doing it and explaining why he preferred to call me 1/4 African than Black. I changed the subject as explaining why it isn't correct to do that was way outside the scope of a chat with a guy at a bar.

 

3. The whole time we were chatting, I didn't really think he was interested romantically. He kept doing stuff like saying "I'd ask her out but don't worry, not you." It came off as a joke so I wasn't taking that personally. But he did similar stuff like that all night which gave off the vibe that he wasn't interested, and then he asked me out.

 

I'm not planning to reply to his last text as it did rub me off the wrong way. If he's testing boundaries, he picked a bad one too test. My personal pet peeve is being called "Jess" so unless he follows up saying he's sorry and was just joking around, it's hard for me to give him the benefit of the doubt so early before we even went on a date.

[The_Dork_Lard]

I read about a recent dating phenomenon doing the rounds on pick up artists' sites called negging. It has parallels with what this guy is doing. It might be deliberate, and if it is, it's certainly got you second guessing and talking about it.

[mbee]

I think there are a few ways of looking at it.

 

• Getting a person's name wrong can be an effective way of taking them down a peg, so it may indeed be a form of negging.
  
• It may just be a "joke", he maybe has a thing about calling people different names, people he knows may find it funny so he was just harmlessly trying to be amusing.
  
• He maybe thought he was being friendly ie using the shortened version as as a way of ingratiating himself and becoming more familiar, but when turned down, he was embarrassed and covered it up with the wrong name altogether as an attempt at humour.
  
• Or he was indeed just testing boundaries as to how far he could push it.
  

If we change gender and assume both are male, it doesn't really sound at all good, its cheeky and there is a lack of respect there, I guess that is how the OP felt - disrespected.

 

Hi James, can I call you Jimmy?

No, my name is James.

OK John...

 

 

I would think he's doing the first 2. His humor when we met could be related to the first two. I don't know the guy at all so I have no idea if it's his humor or he's just being a jerk since I have no more context for his personality.

 

He was doing quite a bit of teasing when we met (similar to a big brother and little sister dynamic). I'm the type to stand my ground so teasing doesn't sway me or make me feel controlled. However, to someone a bit shy and insecure, the teasing could come across as controlling or negging.

 

I once dated a guy (who is now my friend) who loves to tease. He's the only person who calls Jess. Yet, the Jess thing evolved from an IN-PERSON light hearted teasing argument about why he was going to keep calling me Jess. It happened after the second date and was quite obviously teasing and meant to be light-hearted. From there, him calling me Jess seemed like a term of endearment rather than negging.

 

I barely know this guy which is why it is difficult for me to assume he's just being playful about it.

[basil67]

Thanks for everyone's response on this so far! Very helpful.

 

To clarify this happened at a first meeting. I never knew this guy before, we didn't meet online. We met randomly at a bar and talked for several hours. We both only had a couple of drinks hence why I mentioned we were both pretty sober.

 

I gave him my number and he texted me last night about how my weekend was going.

 

He politely asked me if he could call me "Jess." This wasn't a joke. He said. Hi Jessica (Jess?).

 

I respondend and said I'd prefer to be called Jessica as I don't like Jess.

 

He responded with, "You definitely don't like to be called Jess?"

 

And I said, "Yes, definitely not, )

 

After that text, he said, "Goodnight Jess." "I'm an idiot boy, goodnight Jennifer"

 

We have not even been on a real date yet so that kind of banter seems a bit too familiar. We did talk for a few hours so he said a couple of things that weren't red flags in my opinion but kind of weird which makes me think that either his sense of humor is totally off or he's kind of a jerk.

 

1. He knows I do comedy as a hobby and he asked if I was funny multiple times since he couldn't believe it. Since I do comedy, I didn't take offense by this or take this comment seriously but thinking about it retrospectively he could have been being a jerk about it.

 

2. I'm 1/4 black. I'm mixed with a whole bunch of stuff and this guy is White. He kept saying I was part African. I corrected him and he kept doing it and explaining why he preferred to call me 1/4 African than Black. I changed the subject as explaining why it isn't correct to do that was way outside the scope of a chat with a guy at a bar.

 

3. The whole time we were chatting, I didn't really think he was interested romantically. He kept doing stuff like saying "I'd ask her out but don't worry, not you." It came off as a joke so I wasn't taking that personally. But he did similar stuff like that all night which gave off the vibe that he wasn't interested, and then he asked me out.

 

I'm not planning to reply to his last text as it did rub me off the wrong way. If he's testing boundaries, he picked a bad one too test. My personal pet peeve is being called "Jess" so unless he follows up saying he's sorry and was just joking around, it's hard for me to give him the benefit of the doubt so early before we even went on a date.

 

All this on a first date? He wouldn't be getting a second date from me! I mean, who is he to tell you how to racially identify. Pfft. He's a wanker.

[mbee]

I read about a recent dating phenomenon doing the rounds on pick up artists' sites called negging. It has parallels with what this guy is doing. It might be deliberate, and if it is, it's certainly got you second guessing and talking about it.

 

Yes, although it backfired as I'm pretty turned off. I'm just on here wondering how to respond as I've never dealt with something like this before.

[MissBee]

mbee, what's the red flag?

 

I'm not seeing it.

 

What I do see is a woman (you), being turned off by something he said that was meant to be a joke.

 

It was a bad joke, and silly, and if it turns you off, that's fine, don't go out with him again .... you don't need to call every dumb thing a guy does a red flag to justify that.

 

It was just a stupid joke.

 

Another woman may have thought it was hilarious!

 

Now if you were in bed together and he called you a different woman's name, THAT is a red flag!

 

Red flags are seemingly small but noticeable things that signal personality or character traits or habits that may become big issues later.

 

Him doing this could be a signal that he is immature and juvenile in his jokes and he doesn't respect when people ask explicitly for him not to do something. The latter of which isn't cute or funny, and trust me, abusive guys for example, start by pushing your boundaries in small ways, like insisting on calling you a name you don't like or if you ask them not to do xyz thing they do it anyway, then make you think you're dramatic or bitchy for not being able to "take a joke" and they increasingly push it further and further and further.

 

Any person, especially one you don't know well, who has asked you if they can do something and you politely say no but they do it anyway and then say it's a joke, that is a perfectly fine red flag and you should feel free to read that as them potentially being someone who doesn't respect boundaries. When people say no, especially if you're just making their acquaintance, respect it, not doing so is a definite red flag.

Edited May 15, 2016 by MissBee

[katiegrl]

Red flags are seemingly small but noticeable things that signal personality or character traits or habits that may become big issues later.

 

Him doing this could be a signal that he is immature and juvenile in his jokes and he doesn't respect when people ask explicitly for him not to do something. The latter of which isn't cute or funny, and trust me, abusive guys for example, start by pushing your boundaries in small ways, like insisting on calling you a name you don't like or if you ask them not to do xyz thing they do it anyway, then make you think you're dramatic or bitchy for not being able to "take a joke" and they increasingly push it further and further and further.

 

Any person, especially ine you don't know, who has asked you if they can do something and you politely say no but they do it anyway and then say it's a joke, that is a perfectly fine red flag and you should feel free to read that as them potentially being someone who doesn't respect boundaries.

 

Fair enough, it's a red flag, you're turned off, don't go out with him..

 

I sure wouldn't!

 

As far as what to say, he asked you out, tell him no thanks then block and delete.

 

After only one meet you don't owe him much else.

 

JMO.

Edited May 15, 2016 by katiegrl

[preraph]

Well, I don't know about you, but I certainly was never looking for a guy who is gratuitously disrespectful and/or makes the worst jokes ever repeatedly, so . . .