Magnolia158 Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Hello all! I'm hoping someone can give me advice on what could be going on here. So a few weeks ago I asked a friend if she had any single guy friends (with specific traits - eg. vegetarian), so she thought of this guy and gave him my number. Since then we met up twice. The first time was for an hour and a half, and the second time was for 4.5 hours. We both have children. He is almost 39, and has a 13 year old daughter. His ex wife has a 17 year old (from a previous marriage) too that he helped raise, so he considers him his son. I'm almost 34 and have an 8 year old daughter. Now here are my issues. The first date (or meet up), at the coffee shop, he talked a lot about his ex wife. He said that his kids live with her, and that they have a good relationship because of them. He also gave other details about her. He explained that his "son" has autism and seizures, etc. He also brought up finances a little. He talked a LOT.. More than anyone I've ever known! The second date we walked around town for 4.5 hours straight. He revealed a lot more about his ex, telling me that she's a narcissist, and telling me things that she did. Because of his revelations, I opened up and told him about my daughter's father being a narcissist. He wanted me to open up. He also told me that his dad has narcissistic tendencies. He talked a lot more about finances (eg. His car is paid off, he rents his apartment, he has a good job, but doesn't make a lot of money, etc.) I didn't ask anything about money or finances, and am not looking for someone that makes tons of money, and I didn't even want to know any of this! It's not one of my priorities. He also told me that he's only been in three relationships, including his ex wife, and hasn't dated since they divorced, 5 years ago. He said he guesses he's inexperienced. I didn't ask any of these questions, he just volunteered. He talked a LOT, but still asked me questions. I don't know if he is just lonely and doesn't know anything about revealing too much too soon, or what. He said that we have a lot in common because we are both dealing with exes who are narcissists. And basically said that we both have children that are our number one priority. I've dated narcissists and sociopaths, so I know the red flags. He doesn't have any red flags for anything, except talking about his ex wife a lot, and finances.. which I don't think are really big red flags for anything, but I don't know. He's a really nice guy, he just talks a lot about topics that I thought were too soon to talk about. I do think it's important to bring up important things, like personal future plans regarding marriage and children, because if you want more kids and the other one doesn't, then things shouldn't continue. Anyways, does it sound like he has any kind of personality disorder? Our mutual friend has told me many times how sincere and kind he is. She has known him for 11 years, but not too well. They are mainly good work friends. I have been through so much in the past when it comes to relationships, so I'm extra careful about red flags. I want to catch them right away. After both dates, he texted me to tell me how good of a time he had. We are meeting again for an hour and a half (he has to go to another one of his daughter's school functions again, that's why it'll be so short) tomorrow night. Thanks in advance for any help!
Arieswoman Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 Magnolia158, So you're on a first date and he volunteers all this stuff about his past relationship and his ex? Run ! He sees you as a buckshee therapist not a date. Go find a single guy who doesn't have enough baggage to fill a jumbo jet I would cancel the date, stay in and send out for a pizza instead, it'll be more entertaining. 3
d0nnivain Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 No I don't think he has a personality disorder. The red flag he is waving says he's a heartbroken man who is still hung up on his EX. 9
mrldii Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 I agree with d0nnivan, though how hung up on his ex he might be is hard to tell. Based on everything you've written that he said, it reads to me like he's still processing the break-up and that he doesn't have many people to whom he can talk to about it. Throw in a little social anxiety / inexperience in dating after divorce, and your new guy becomes the movement's Poster Child. Red flags? Nah. So far, you like him. Pink flags? Sure. Just keep an eye on his behavior...if he settles down, then it was simply his unfamiliarity with how to do this. If he keeps it up, then - while he may not have a personality disorder - he's definitely not ready to be dating, yet. Good luck, OP! 2
preraph Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 I don't know if he's still hung up on his ex, but one thing is for sure: He is still fully involved with her one way or the other on a daily basis. And he needs a therapist or a good friend to talk to. Honestly, my biggest fear for you here isn't even that he's concealing anything or is mental. My biggest fear for you is how long can you go on with him blathering about every detail of his "other life" before you get sick and bored with it? And I have to say that as he is about talking about himself a lot reminds me of myself, and I do score high on the narcissism scale (though empathy saves me from being a bad sort). You need to see if he can give you equal attention to not only his ex but to himself and his issues or if he is just seeking a sounding board who cooks and cleans. 1
seamos Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 I've often considered myself socially dysfunctional, esp. around the opposite sex I'm really not understanding why his conversation and revelations seemed strange to people. What you described sounded to me like he was a little nervous, scared of long, uncomfortable silences, and trying (w/ only limited success) to be an interesting conversation partner. What things are you supposed to talk about on a first or second date when you don't really know each other? It sounds like you do have things in common and you weren't really put off by him, just a little overwhelmed at his willingness to be open w/ you. No, I don't see it as a red flag, just overcompensating for nervousness by blurting out whatever popped into his head. I can actually see myself acting the same way possibly... Or I could have a personality disorder too! LOL 2
smackie9 Posted May 15, 2016 Posted May 15, 2016 This guy is way too absorbed in his situation with his ex and his responsibility with the children. He is still working through it and like the other mentioned, using you as his therapist. He isn't ready to move on yet, or to have a normal healthy relationship with anyone at this time. You are best to bow out, and say no for now. 3
Author Magnolia158 Posted August 15, 2016 Author Posted August 15, 2016 Thank you all so much for your replies. I actually didn't see any of them until right now!
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